The Secret to Managing Your Emotions

* by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

Scientists call it “metamood.” It’s the ability to pull back and recognize that “what I’m feeling is anger,” or sorrow, shame or whatever. It’s a difficult skill because our emotions so often appear in disguise. A person in mourning may know she is sad, but she may not recognize that she is also angry at the person for dying – because this seems somehow inappropriate.

A parent who yells at the child who ran into the street is expressing anger at disobedience, but the degree of anger may owe more to the fear the parent feels at what could have happened.

The boss who feels attacked by an employee’s question about a new policy may be completely unaware that the innocent question seems aggressive to him only because his father used to ask the same kinds of things to point out his shortcomings.

You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings. –Pearl S. Buck

Not recognizing how we really feel is one of the most common and troubling blind spots we have as human beings.

When we don’t see how we really feel, our emotions start to manage us rather than the other way around. We begin to mask our emotions, literally.

We may be ticked off at our spouse who’s late in meeting us at an appointed time, but if anger is too threatening, we simply smile and ignore our churning stomach. Later that evening, we find ourselves snapping at our spouse for no good reason at all. And only later wondering: Where did that come from?

When we don’t acknowledge our true emotions we give up our ability to control them. They bleed into other areas of our life where they have no right to be.

Reflect and Respond: What emotion do you need to acknowledge you’re feeling – an emotion you may not want to admit is there?

 

*Les and Leslie. A husband-and-wife team who not only share the same name, but the same passion for helping others build healthy relationships. In 1991, the Parrotts founded the Center for Relationship Development on the campus of Seattle Pacific University – a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships.

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