Kickstarting Your Relationship With Your Teenager

So, let’s just start by saying I’m not the most mechanically inclined person God ever created. But somehow that doesn’t exempt me from owning a garage filled with small engines: a snowblower, lawnmower, leaf blower, weed trimmer and the like. 

My technique for starting these machines is always the same: push the buttons, prime the engine, and pull hard on the pull-cord. Most of the time my equipment starts. 

When that fails, I pull the pull-cord harder and harder until I give up or call my friend John who fixes these kinds of thing to tell him they’re broken. 

But sometimes they don’t need repair at all. Sometimes I need to remember to adjust the choke, or try priming it again or even to leave it because I flooded it. And then . . . like magic, it starts. 

Teenagers are a bit like that. 

When they don’t respond at age 15 to the things they responded to at age 10, you just try harder. 

But saying the same things more loudly, or trying the same tactics, again and again, won’t always turn things around. 

After all, the teen years take away some of a parent’s favorite opportunities to connect, like bedtime stories and pick-ups from school. So what do you do?

You change strategies.

If you want to get through to your teenager, here are some ways to connect that are unique to the teen years:

Be Around

Sometimes parents are tempting to buy their kids affection or attention? Losing your 13-year-old? It’s easy to think you can win their heart with a new iPhone.

As a parent, never substitute a present for your presence. 

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In fact, one of the greatest gifts you can give your teenager is your presence—simply being around. 

It’s the unscripted moments that will often produce the greatest conversations. A parent who’s always in the kitchen or around the house is just far more likely to have meaningful interactions with their kids. 

Parenting a teenager may actually take more time than parenting a toddler. 

Even if your kids don’t feel like talking to you, they’re glad you’re around. So be around. 

Eat Together

As your kids get older, it’s easier to let them fend for themselves at supper. 

Don’t. 

Plan family meals. And eat them together.

Even though I led a busy church throughout my kids teen years, wrote, traveled and my wife worked, we almost always had supper together five nights a week when my kids were in high school. Why? Because we made it a priority. 

Sometimes the meals were 10 minutes long (I have sons, after all), they were an anchor point for our family. We prayed together. We talked. And still today at 24 and 20, my kids love to get together for family meals. 

Leverage Drive Time

Some of the very best conversations I’ve had (and still have) with my sons happen when we’re driving somewhere. 

Being beside each other in the car is a lot less intimidating than sitting down for a “talk.” It’s actually easier to be vulnerable and honest when you’ve got an hour on the road together with little more to do than chat than it is if you’re trying to make a conversation elsewhere. 

Whenever my kids needed a ride somewhere, I was anxious to take them. They probably never knew why, but I did. 

Take a Day with Them

Throughout high school, I’d invite my sons to take a day off school. I’d take a day off work and we’d spend the day together. 

What we did mattered way less than the fact that we just took some time to be together. 

I know it was a special time for them, but it was an equally special time for me. 

One day, all you’ll have left with your kids is a relationship. So build the relationship.

Those are some things that have helped me keep the relationship alive during the teen years.

What’s helping you? Leave a comment!

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Tangerine Day

Do you remember parachute pants?

If you do, sorry I brought it up.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s probably a good thing.

Parachute pants were slim fitting pants made of a similar material to that of a parachute. They made you hot in the spring and summer (imagine that material sticking to your sweaty, bare skin) and cold in the fall and winter (like a walking-around-without-wearing-pants kind of cold). I honestly have no idea what season was a good time to wear them, but they were the rage when I as in seventh grade, and I had to have them.  

Fast forward about thirty years and my seventeen-year-old son is standing in the kitchen presenting his case for why we should purchase him some Chubbies shorts—the latest and greatest in summer men’s wear. We looked at the website together and with great excitement he showed us all the different colors and designs.

“Son, you know our budget for your summer clothes. If you buy three pairs of these, you won’t be able to buy anything else.”

“I know. I don’t care. I really want them.”

“But what about shoes and shirts and a swimsuit and . . .”

“I’ll figure it out. I really want these shorts.”

“Ok, it’s your choice, bud.”

My son chose to order three pairs of Chubbies shorts that day.

A tan pair.
An American flag pair.
And a tangerine pair.

Do you know what happens when you have three pairs of shorts that are as memorable as the American flag or the color tangerine? A new day is created. I called it Tangerine Day. As the shorts rotated through the days of the week, sure enough, every third day was Tangerine Day.

Watching my son go through that summer with just three pairs of shorts, struggling to find shirts to match them, was so hard for me. Listening to him talk about having nothing to wear was frustrating. I’m sure I gave him the “I told you so” speech.

I was tempted, daily, to take him shopping for more clothes—so tempted! But I knew if he was going to learn anything about being smart about his purchases I had to let the situation run its course.

This past week, my son was home from college for spring break. I noticed he was wearing some new shoes.

“Love the new shoes, bud. Where’d you get them?”

“Oh, these? I got them on sale for eight bucks.”

“Nice.”

The moral of this story:  Tangerine Day will be just a phase.

It will pass.

But the lessons learned about being smart with your money, those will last a lifetime.

So give your kids a budget, and let them make the choices on what they will buy. But be strong. Let them live with the consequences of their choices. I promise, having to wear tangerine shorts—or parachute pants—every third day is so much better than what could happen later on in life when the stakes are higher.

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5 Things Having a Daughter Has Taught Me About Loving My Wife

by Ryan Frederick

Having a daughter has taught me more about being a good husband than I ever thought possible. The idea is simple: what if I saw my wife through God’s eyes? How would I change how I treated her? Loved her? Cared for her? As you can imagine, seeing your spouse through God’s eyes changes everything. Everything.

This post will hopefully show you just a few of the ways having a daughter has taught me how to love my wife well.

5 Things Having a Daughter Has Taught Me About Loving My Wife

1: Speak to her kindly, patiently
Having a daughter: Dela is fierce but she’s also very tender. If I react impatiently toward her for accidentally knocking a cup off the table, she get’s her feelings hurt. It’s in those moments that I see just how soft her heart is, and it’s deeply convicting to me in how I talk to my wife – who is God’s little girl.

Being a husband: Most marital communication breaks down when one of us loses patience and speaks unkindly. I can get impatient with Selena. That’s not her fault, it’s mine. Even if it is her fault, I still need to be patient. That’s how I’d want a man to love my daughter, that’s how I should love my bride. That’s how Christ loves us.

2: Love her respectfully & purely
Having a daughter: One of the things I love about Dela is how innocent she is and how the whole world is new to her. She’s so bright-eyed about each little thing she sees. I never want her sense of innocence to be tarnished, nor her curiosity stifled. I want her to stay innocent and sweet, and I want people to treat her with similar innocence and sweetness. God wants that for us too, but we sin and things change. Innocence only happens as we’re redeemed and renewed in Christ, by his grace alone. I hope my daughter is loved by a man governed by grace, who acts in love that is motivated by Christ.

Being a husband: How can I keep my love pure? Many ways… but the topic that comes to mind regarding the “innocence” of my wife is sex. I must pursue my wife with integrity and fight to keep our marriage bed holy. This means that I not let popular culture (or pornography) dictate what sex is or what beauty looks like. It means I seek my wife’s soul first, not just her body. And it means I communicate with her to build a sex life that is uniquely ours, ultimately enjoyable, and pure.

3: Listen to her intently
Having a daughter: Dela has lots to say, most of it sounds like nonsense (for now). I’ve realized that most of what she says has meaning, it’s just that I haven’t discovered it yet. If I stop what I’m doing, kneel down, and listen intentionally, I hear what she’s saying with little confusion. Not only that, but we connect on a deeper level. That’s the kind of dialogue I want my daughter to have with her future husband: intentional and intimate.

Being a husband: I definitely don’t mean to compare my wife’s communication to that of a 2 year old; they’re obviously very different! What I do mean to say is that I don’t always listen well. I get distracted. I need to stop whatever I’m doing and listen intentionally to my wife’s words and her heart. Only then can I engage with her emotionally.

4: Engage with her emotionally
Having a daughter: When our little girl speaks, she wants my attention but she also wants my interest. She’s looking to engage with me emotionally – whether she’s talking about Minnie’s Bowtique or the “jeeefish” (jellyfish) she saw off the dock. Engaging with her means taking genuine interest in what she says. Love is not passive, love is active. And as a father, one of the best ways I can actively love my daughter is by purposefully engaging with her world. And I’d want her husband to love her the same way when she’s much (much) older.

Being a husband: Again . . . I’m not comparing Selena to our toddler, but my heart’s inclinations as a father and a husband. It sounds weird, but sometimes husbands (me included) can become passive about things that should really matter to them. God. Family. Where to live and why. What school to send the kids to. Family priorities (like dinner time, prayer, and devotions). As a husband, I must not be passive or indifferent about the important things; I must engage in my role as a husband and lead lovingly in the process.

5: Cherish her deeply
Having a daughter: Last night I sat and read Dela a book; she had her little head resting against my cheek. I could smell her hair and hear her voice as she described each page. I never wanted the moment to end. I cherish her. I cherish every moment with her. It’s because I value her so much that I want to see her deeply treasured by her future husband. Most importantly, God cherishes his daughter as well as my bride. He wants me to cherish her dearly as well.

Being a husband: In marriage it’s easy to grow too familiar with each other. This can lead to lazy communication and at worst, passive indifference. I must stir my affections for my wife and remind myself of the treasure she is. I must remember that she’s truly a gift from God, and that he’s entrusted me with her heart.

Having a daughter has shown me a microscopic glimpse of what God must feel toward his daughters – namely, my wife. I’m sure I’ve barely scratched the surface on what I have to learn.

I’ll gladly take the lessons as they come, and I’m thankful for the loving instruction of a Father who’s patient with me.

 

Ryan and Selena Frederick blog at fiercemarriage.com, a place to help couples process through marriage’s trials as well as celebrate its joys. You can follow them on Twitter at @FierceMarriage.

Reposted with permission. This blog post originally appeared here.

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Technology Tips : Tie Technology to Maturity Not Grades or Money

In this Technology Tip, Jon Acuff challenges parents to think about technological responsibility when giving their kids access to technology, not their ability to afford it or get good grades. Instead, look for maturity in them and see if they are in a place to use it in a safe, healthy way.

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Choosing to forgive

At the heart of the Easter message is the reward that comes from choosing to receive total forgiveness for our wrongs but also the freedom that comes from being able to pass total forgiveness forward to others. Easy to say but hard to do!

Our tendency is to demand that we be compensated when wrongly treated but that we ourselves be 'let off the hook' by others when we are wrong. The cycle of self vindication whether we consider ourselves right or wrong, keeps pointing the finger of judgement back towards ourselves. This ugly cycle can be broken. This is what Christ did for all humanity at Calvary. He broke the cycle by becoming sin for us and at the same time forgiving all of humanity for its sin. He paid the penalty for our wrongs. but for us to be free we have to choose to receive total forgiveness for our sins.

The test as to whether we have received total forgiveness or not, is whether we are free to pass it forward to others. Joseph , over a twenty two year period learned to pass forward total forgiveness to his brothers who had plotted his demise. (Gen.37-50) Learning to practice forgiveness is not easy especially when you have been unfairly treated by others.It's one thing to acknowledge what we have done wrong but it is another thing to let go all judgement toward those who have wronged us. This is a vicious cycle to contend with. It is vicious because when you are wanting justice and vindication, while you are 'waiting', you are still a victim. You are paralysed from being able to move ahead in life.

The only way to ahead is know that Christ totally forgives us personally. I choose to forgive others, not because it is easy but because Christ has forgiven me. (Col.3:13) Forgiveness like love, is a choice, not a feeling. When you are hurting you never feel like forgiving the person that hurt you. But if you choose to forgive and keep repeating the process eventually the chains of hurt and offence will drop off. Then we will arrive at the place where we can even bless those that have hurt us. This is powerful! This is what Jesus did for us at Calvary. Only then do we begin to experience resurrection life for ourselves. Only then will we begin to grow forwards. Forgiveness will clear the way so that we can grow and not just go through daily life.

This is a bit like climbing a mountain. It is hard work and at times you seem to be descending  into valleys rather than climbing upward but if we persist we will reach the summit. I am convinced that the best view of life, of God, of other and of myself comes from the summit of forgiveness. The highest height that we can ever scale this side of heaven is to see God, ourselves and others through the lens of total forgiveness. Keep climbing! The view will be worth it!








This blog by Ross Smith is based on a series of messages on forgiveness during March 2016 at The Vine church, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland Australia. Full messages can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

Just Put Away the Stupid Blanket

Well, friends. I may have done something halfway decent as a mama today.

Hold your applause, because there’s ample time left for me to mess up my girls to the tune of thousands in therapy costs, but today…today, I actually paused before disciplining my seven-year-old, Lilah.

Now. If you’ve read any of my other posts, especially Just Wear The Stupid Gym Shorts post, you know that Lilah is not a typical kid.

(Which is what most moms would say about their kid, but I’m a mom. So…yeah.)

Lilah is sensitive. She gets very uncomfortable by serious conversations. She brings up things I’ve said years ago. Last year, her teacher told me Lilah is often afraid to try new things because she doesn’t want to fail.

(Sorry about that one, Lilah. You got the wrong end of the gene pool on that one­­…mine.)

When I discipline Lilah, I can’t raise my voice, ground her, spank her, take away her iPod. I mean, I can and do do those things, but they’re not effective. She just leaves her shoes in the dang doorway the next day anyway.

What effects Lilah most are conversations. She’s a words person. She won the Wonderful Writer Award in Kindergarten. She devours books like most kids devour chocolate.

But who has time to have a ten to fifteen-minute conversations with a child every time discipline is required? I mean, the laundry isn’t going to wash itself.

(Though I often pray it would.)

Okay, enough disclaimers. Let me get to the story.

Lilah has this hideous blanket that zips over her mattress. Last week, I decided to wash it. Before I could put it back on her bed, Lilah started carrying this thing around the house, leaving it everywhere. Seriously. Everywhere I looked, there it was. I felt like it was stalking me.

This morning, she brought it downstairs before school. I took one look at it and said, “Lilah, take that thing back up to your room. I’m tired of folding it and putting it away. If you don’t, I’m going to throw it in the trashcan.”

The next few hours passed in a blur of emails, writing, diet soda, and meetings. When I finally sat down at my desk after lunch, I glanced across the foyer into the dining room.

Guess what I saw.

Yup. The blanket.

Lilah had hidden it beneath the dining room table. (The picture below post is 100% real. And, yes, I am disappointed by her lack of sneakiness, too.)

With a few hours left before school got out, I plotted her punishment. I was going to make her throw it away. I was going to make her refold every blanket in the house just to see how “fun” it is.

Then I sat down to work on the children’s devotional book I’m writing, and the topic is grace.

While researching how to explain grace to a kid, I came across a story that made me think.

See, Lilah has been asking questions about salvation. I know she’s trying to work out how she fits in with the story of Jesus, and I also know Lilah does not understand the concept of grace. Heck, most days, I’m not even sure I do.

So I decided to do something different.

When Lilah got off the bus, I walked her home and into the dining room. Here’s what happened next.

Me: Lilah, what’s under the table?
Lilah: (Giggles)
Me: Hey, look in my eyes. I’m not laughing about this. What is under the table?
Lilah: (Unsure) My blanket?
Me: What did I tell you to do with your blanket?
Lilah: I don’t know.
Me: Lilah, I told you to take this up to your room.
Lilah: I thought you meant later today!
Me: Then why did you hide it? That tells me that you knew you were supposed to take it to your room, but you didn’t want to.
Lilah: I’m sorry, Mama.
Me: Saying you’re sorry doesn’t change the fact that you were disobedient. AND that you tried to lie about it.
Lilah: Are you going to throw it away?
Me, to myself: AH HA! Proof she was listening!
Me: Lilah, you lied to me. And you disobeyed me. Do you understand that both of those things are sins?
Lilah: (Bursts into tears)
Me: I want you to tell me what you think you deserve for disobeying and for lying?
Lilah: (Crying) For you to throw it away. And for you to spank my bottom.
Me: You know what? You’re right. That’s exactly what you deserve. But that’s not what I’m going to do.
Lilah: (Crying) What? What are you doing to do?
Me: (Crying) I’m going to show you grace. I’m going to take your blanket upstairs and put it back on your bed like you want it. I’m also going to forgive you for lying. And on top of all that, I’m going to make you a bowl of ice cream that you can eat right now—before dinner.

Lilah buried her face in my neck and sobbed. “I’m so sorry, Mama,” she sobbed. “I should have obeyed you. I shouldn’t have lied. Please forgive me. Will you forgive me?”

GOOD GRACIOUS, NO ONE TOLD ME PARENTING WOULD RIP MY HEART OUT LIKE THIS!

Lilah responded to grace so much better than she would have responded to thoughtless discipline.

And more importantly, I had the opportunity to tell her that when we put our faith in Jesus, He offers us grace just like that every single day.

DISCLAIMER: Duh, you can’t offer your kid grace every time they mess up. But we also can’t let our discipline become so rote that we forget the point of it: to teach a lesson, to make our kids better. Not as an expression of our anger—which I am so guilty of doing.

I read a quote today by Paul Zahl that said this:

“Grace is love that has nothing to do with you…Grace is irrational in the sense that it has nothing to do with weights and measures…[Grace] has nothing to do with my intrinsic qualities or so-called ‘gifts.’…Grace is one-way love.” (Emphasis mine).

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Grace is one-way love.
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One-way love.
Love that has nothing to do with us.
We can’t behave our way in or out.

I pray that sinks into your skin and bone and marrow. I pray it sinks into Lilah’s, too.

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What Your Spouse Isn’t Impressed With

by Carey Nieuwhof

I was hanging out with a friend recently working on what he and I believe is a really important ministry initiative. We both believe it could change lives in powerful ways.

But as our meeting moved on he got a text from his wife. Then another. He stepped out to take a call from her. He came back to our meeting and announced to me and the other leader that he needed to go home.

Naturally, we said that was great and he went home to simply be a husband and a dad for a few hours before coming back to the project we were working on a few hours later.

Then it hit me: our work doesn’t really impress our wives.

Don’t get me wrong. His wife (and mine) love the ministries we’re involved in. They pray, support, give and care passionately about it.

But there’s something deeper at work here. I have spent too many years coming home hoping to impress my wife with what I have accomplished. She’s always excited to hear about it. She’s genuinely excited for it.

But as a guy, I’m tempted to settle for her just being proud of me, as though that was the purpose of our marriage. There needs to come a point for those of us who love what we do and think about it 24/7 to put it all aside and do what God has called us to do: be there, love her, love the kids and be available.

For a guy, there isn’t the immediate reward in those things that we might find in an increase in ministry, in solving a personnel issue or preaching a message that people can’t stop talking about. It’s more difficult to sit on the couch and be fully present. But in the long run, it’s so much more rewarding. To miss at home while hitting home runs at work is to ultimately miss what matters most.

As a husband, I have to remind myself that my wife isn’t nearly as impressed with my work as I might be.

And that’s actually a good thing.

 

Carey Nieuwhof is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multicampus church north of Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Community Church. Prior to starting Connexus in 2007, Carey served for 12 years in a mainline church, transitioning three small congregations into a single, rapidly growing church.

He speaks to North American and global church leaders about leadership, change and personal growth.  Carey is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-authored “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner.  He and his wife Toni live near Barrie, Ontario and have two sons, Jordan and Sam.  He blogs at http://ift.tt/1bdw8GN and hosts the top-rated Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast every week.

Reposted with permission.

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Husband and Wife Bucket List

When first in love, life is simple and sweet. You and your spouse stay up late dreaming dreams and making plans for how things will go. Everything seems promising and exciting.

But then life happens. Those dreams you dreamed are pushed aside and saved for later. But why can’t later be today? I’d like to encourage you and your spouse to write a bucket list together. It can be composed of small dreams or big dreams. Whatever you plan to do, plan to do it together.

Here is an idea of a marriage bucket list to get you started:

Go back to the place you shared your first date.
Take a day off work, send the kids to school, and enjoy the empty house together.
Slow dance to your wedding song.
Go for a picnic on a hill.
Visit the spot you had your first kiss.
Travel to another country.
See your favorite band in concert.
Learn a new skill—take an art/pottery class or learn to ski or scuba dive.
Get in shape together—run a 5k for fun or a good cause.
Read a marriage book together.
Find a DIY project around the house and learn how to do it.
Serve on a mission trip together.
Watch the stars and point out the constellations.
Do something extreme—like skydive or bungee jump.
Go on a hike and then cozy up by the fire that night.
Reach out to your neighbors—host a block party or a dinner.
Have an all-day movie marathon in bed.
Start a journal of letters to each other.
Pick local fruit/vegetables and cook together.
Kidnap your spouse at a random time and take them on a local adventure.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to start chasing dreams with your spouse because we are only promised today.  Enjoy all that life has to offer, together.

 

Reposted with permission from iMom. This post originally appeared here.

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7 Ways I Protect My Sabbath

by Ron Edmondson

This is a hard word for some pastors, but after a recent post I was asked about how I protect my Sabbath. That’s a great question, because many pastors struggle in this area. In fact, many pastors I know who would teach their church to observe the Sabbath, seldom do so personally. This fact alone is one of the leading causes of pastoral burnout, in my opinion.

Protecting my Sabbath has proven to be crucial in protecting my ministry. I observe my Sabbath day on Saturday most weeks. It’s my day with Cheryl. It’s not a day where I do nothing. That’s not how I rest. It’s a day where I do what I want to do. On my Sabbath, I don’t work. I play. I rest. I recharge. I clear my head and prepare for the week ahead.

Here are 7 ways I protect my Sabbath:

• Recognize the value – I have to realize there is a reason to observe a Sabbath. It’s almost like God knew what He was doing. If I value it enough, I’ll make it a priority. The value of a Sabbath is not only for myself, but it aligns me with God’s design for mankind. “On the 7th day He rested”. Have you read that somewhere? We were created with a need for the Sabbath. That makes it valuable.
• Make it a priority – Not only do I value the importance, but I make it a priority in my week. As important as any other day, my Sabbath is a must do part of my week. A Sabbath is good for the pastor, the pastor’s family and the church. That’s worth prioritizing.
• Place it on the calendar – The Sabbath needs to be planned in advance. If you think it’s going to happen when you “catch up”, you’ll never take a Sabbath. Depending on the size of your staff or the demands of your church, your day may not be the same as mine, but you choose a day that works best and calendar it regularly.
• Trust others – One of the leading reasons I hear for pastors not taking a day off is that they don’t have anyone who can handle their responsibilities. This is especially true in churches where the pastor is the only staff member. Regardless of staff size, pastors need to surround themselves with some healthy people and take a risk on them. I delegate well so that when I’m gone I know things will continue to operate efficiently. Ultimately, however, when I honor my Sabbath I’m demonstrating that I trust God. After all, the plan was His idea.
• Discipline myself – I just do it. I make myself take a day off. (You should consider this discipline!) Now, here’s the hard part of that. In addition to saying “Yes” to yourself, you have to discipline yourself to say “No” to others. Without a doubt, if you try to protect a day there will be multiple invitations, seemingly good opportunities, and non-emergency interruptions. It will happen. You’ll have to continually help others (and yourself) understand the value in this discipline. It’s part of being a healthy pastor. And, I assume, most churches want that. Frankly some will never understand the value in your Sabbath (even if they see the value for themselves), but they will also be the first one to complain if you aren’t performing at your best in other areas of your ministry.
• Prepare for it – I have to work hard prior to a Sabbath so I can comfortably take it without reservation. That means I handle any details I can in advance. Whether a pastor works five or six days a week, (I personally work 6) it is important to work hard and smart enough where there is no guilt in taking your deserved and commanded sabbath. Not trying to be cruel here, but if you are not finding time to take a Sabbath, it could be a planning and organizational problem as much as it is a demand of your time problem.
• Learn to enjoy -Some pastors, like me, are not wired for a Sabbath. I realize some people have no problem taking a day off, but I honestly would work seven days straight if no one stopped me. There’s always plenty to do. I’ve learned, however, that I function better the other 6 days if I have one day that I’m not working. It’s been a challenge to maintain it, but I now truly look forward to the rest. It’s proven to be as important for my wife as it is for me and when she’s happy, I’m happy.

Now, please understand, there are no perfect plans. This works most of the time for me, but not all of the time. There are, of course, exceptions, interruptions, and Kingdom opportunities, which cause me to not be able to protect every Sabbath day. (Jesus had those too.) As much as is possible, however, I stick with this plan, and when it is interrupted, especially if it happens several weeks in a row, I will make up the time with some extra time away. I try to get my downtime back at some point. It’s that important to me now.

Pastor, are you protecting your Sabbath? Be honest.
The strength and success of your ministry may depend on it.

 

Ron Edmondson is a husband, dad, pastor, church planter and church growth/organizational leadership consultant in Lexington, KY. Check out Ron’s blog for great leadership advice.

Reposted with permission. This blog originally appeared here.

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Just Because You Can Is The Very Reason You Shouldn’t

by Ted Lowe

“He always takes it out on me.”
“She always takes it out on me.”
“I always take it out on her.”
“I always take it out on him.”

As someone who has worked with married couples for years, I have heard those phrases many, many times. So often, married people, me included, take out our frustrations, hurts, uncertainties and anxieties on a spouse. For some of us, that means getting angry and loud. For others it means the silent treatment. And for some it means being passive aggressive.

But why in the world do we do it?
Why would we treat the person we are supposed to be closest with, the worst?

• Because we can. They will take it. They might get mad. They might get frustrated, but they will take it. They take it for many reasons—maybe they don’t want to fight. Maybe they are use to it or because they feel that it’s the way they deserved to be treated. They take it.
• Because it feels good. Releasing the pressure value of all the “junk” feels good. Studies show that when we are angry, our bodies are flooded with energy inducing chemicals. In other words, nobody is yawning when they are mad.
• Because we want people to respect and like us. So many of us are so civil, so polite, so considerate, so patient, so concerned, so controlled with co-workers, employers, employees, store clerks, school teachers, kid’s coaches, even perfect strangers. Why? Because we want to be liked and admired.

The problem is that when one or both spouses take it out on each other, it robs their marriage of intimacy, safety and laughter. It’s also a terrible example for our kids.

It can even cause marriages to end when one or both spouses can no longer handle how easy and frequent taking it out on each other has become.

But then there are those couples that get it, really get it. Sure they have their quiet days, their sad days, their frustrated moments, but their spouse is never their verbal punching bag, their person to hurt, their person to shut out.

They know that one day they will become irrelevant at work, but their spouse is there until death does them part. They treat each other the way they want to be treated. They treat them like they are best friends forever. They treat their spouse better than any person on the planet.

They choose to be nice. Sound too simple? Too easy?
Exactly. In fact, I’m convinced that if most of us treated our spouse with the same amount of respect, consideration and kindness that we give our coworkers, friends and extended family, our marriages would be great.

Yes, there is something beautiful about the fact that we can be ourselves with our spouses, but let’s not take advantage of that privilege.

Just because we can take it out on our spouse is the very reason we shouldn’t.

 

 

Ted Lowe is the director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

 

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How to Raise a Good Employee, I Mean Kid

One of the worst people to work with is the guy who says, “That’s not my job.”

This sentence is universally hated in every country in the world. I’ve never been to Mongolia, but I guarantee there’s a guy who was supposed to help set up a Yurt that said, “That’s not my job.”

Employers can’t stand this attitude and in my work with companies, it comes up often.

It’s a sign that someone isn’t a team player. It’s a sign that someone isn’t going above and beyond. It’s a sign of selfishness and laziness.

You’ve worked with someone like that before, and they’re incredibly annoying. They only do the bare minimum and never help anyone else.

The funny thing is, this problem starts in childhood or more specifically it starts on the stairs.

One night, I asked one of my daughters to pick up something that was on the stairs leading up to her bedroom. (As I’ve mentioned before, my kids have stair blindness. They are incapable of seeing things that need to be picked up on the stairs.)

In response to my request she said, “That’s not mine.” The toy in question was indeed her sister’s. She was technically right, but gaze upon this moment with me Internet readers for we have just stumbled upon the origin of “That’s not my job.”

The reason the employee you don’t like won’t help out is that when she was six, she didn’t have to pick up a Barbie that wasn’t hers. The reason that frustrating employee refuses to jump in when there’s an emergency at work is because he didn’t have to help out a sibling in need.

We tend to continue what we’re taught. Habits we learn are often difficult to break.

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We tend to continue what we’re taught. Habits we learn are often difficult to break.
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Granted, the toy on the stairs doesn’t really matter much.

It was one toy on one set of stairs.

But someday, I want my daughter to have a fighting chance at her job. I want her to be the kind of team member people love to work with. I want her to be kind and generous and selfless. So I’m giving her 20 years to practice, starting at the age of 9 when it would be easy to blame that misplaced toy on someone else instead of picking it up.

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Your husband wants sex? 3 things he’s not saying out loud

*  by Shaunti Feldhahn

Your husband wants sex? 3 things he’s not saying out loud

1. “I need to feel desirable.”  We women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but that’s not most of what is going on. When his wife responds to him – or initiates it herself! – it meets a deep emotional need to feel that his wife desires him.

2. “I love you and want to be closer to you.”  We women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom.  But for many men, when they feel tension in the air, when there’s distance, when they know something’s just not right… they miss their wife.  For a man’s biological chemistry, in fact, sex is one of the only times that his brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone.  When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re at odds / fighting /distant. But instead, realize: he’s reaching for you in order to get back that feeling of closeness with you that he is longing for.

3. “I’m really vulnerable right now.”  Because sex is more of an emotional need than a physical one for him, many men in my research told me there is no time more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they approach their wives in that way.  They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart out in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?”  Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush him off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply.  Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have a say in the matter!  Of course, there will be times we simply aren’t able to respond.  But when that happens, it is even more critical that we show him how much we care, how much we love him, and (with a saucy wink) that we need to make a date for another night!

 

 * Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can reach out to Naomi for more information at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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The Safety Dance

by Amanda Maguire

I believe the hardest thing about being a leader in the church is the island I am put on by the people of our church as a ministry family, and as a ministry married couple. There are not very many people I can be brutally honest with and unapologetic about the hard stuff I deal with.

It’s hard to find someone that can really relate to the spiritual weight Jeff and I carry, or what it’s like to lead in the church. It is an honorable calling from God that can leave me feeling lonely real quick! As I have talked to many couples and wives about leadership in the church, this issue seems to hit the hardest and it’s the sneakiest.

I am surrounded by people all day long! Talking and praying, planning and caring for, meeting and greeting, hugging and mentoring each and every day. People are our “business.” How in the world can I feel alone when it’s hard to even find a place daily to be alone?

It’s why I so strongly believe that as leaders in the church we need to be seriously intentional about finding safe people in our lives that we can be honest with about ministry and the craziness of our calling.

Jeff and I have been married for 16 years and both of us have been serving in ministry for even more years than that. This wonderful ideal of having safe people in our lives did not happen overnight. It has been years of trial and error. Many friendships over the years have evolved into beautiful wonderful people in our lives, but still they cannot provide the “safety” I am talking about. And some friendships when testing these waters of safety fall right off a cliff or send people running for the mountains—and right out of our lives and out of our church. It’s painful to say the least.

We have been so bold to even tell people, “Being friends with us is dangerous. You will see how your pastor really lives and acts. Church will become messy for you and probably not picture perfect (if it ever was). Can you handle that?”

It’s been prayerful years, begging God for safe people whom I can be real with, cry with, yell with, and belly laugh with. I need friendships that will call me out, and keep me accountable, push back at me when I’m off my rocker, speak into my marriage when it’s heading the wrong direction, help me with parenting my non-perfect-pastor-kids. Friends who can see the mess of the church and love it even more! Friends like this are a diamond in the dessert.

I am blessed with many wonderful friends, but just a small few who can walk with me through the landmine fields of ministry, who are brave enough and strong enough to see and accept my imperfections as a pastor’s wife and the imperfect church we work in. Someone who will keep trudging and celebrating with us day after day. I have a friend like this, and keeps me alive and able to love ministry. God has sent me this gem of a human and her husband and family to love us unconditionally in ministry.

Not only do these safe people need to be amazing and accepting, I have to be willing to be vulnerable, real and authentic. Can I do that? As a pastor’s wife, it’s easy to believe I am pretty awesome because other people seem to naturally think that about me and our family just because of our role in the church. It’s a trap!

To begin to act or believe that I may be even one degree more “together” than the people who attend my church, is a lie! God did not choose my husband and our family to lead His church because we are smarter, braver, more spiritual, more Bible thumping, more patient, more graceful, more loving, more prayerful, etc. than anyone else!

I DO NOT KNOW WHY HE CHOSES TO USE US! More realistic, He probably roped us in because we didn’t know what we were in for! Many days if I knew what I was in for being a pastor’s wife, I would have jumped off a cliff myself rather than say yes to this calling!! It’s hard. Period.

Safe friends are essential. We were not meant to live alone and especially not meant to lead alone.

 

Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor for 12 years and now the lead pastor of a church for the past 3 years. (It’s the same guy!) They are raising a family with kids 11, 9, and 6. Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!

 

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Using Technology to Connect with Your Spouse

by Matt McKee

Strong communication is the secret potion for having a healthy, happy and loving relationship with your spouse. Not only should your other half confidently believe that you will be there to listen to their rants and emotional bursts, but more importantly, you need to make sure you are there when they simply want to talk. So, to maintain a strong communication, you need to make your spouse feel welcomed, wanted and cared for.

In today’s world of technology this doesn’t mean you have to be in the same room all the time. I am not saying that face to face conversation is not best but I am saying that unexpected and unwarranted communication is now available. This will only boost the face to face communication.

When it comes to communication, technology and social media industry has undergone some revolutionary innovations and developments that serve to make sure that you are always connected with your loved ones, anywhere and anytime you want to. There are several different ways you can use technology to strengthen your bond with your better half, and make sure they know you are thinking about them.

Tiny gestures such as sending a cute I love you text message while they are at work, or sending them your heartbeat through the latest Apple watch, they don’t take much of your time and effort and bring a smile to the face of your spouse which is absolutely priceless!

Here are some easy and simple ways you can use technology to strengthen your bond and improve communication with your spouse:

• Stay connected with them throughout the day.
  Using some of the latest applications such as Whatsapp, iMessage, the good Text Message and many others, you can send an emoji that simply says I am thinking about you or that I love you. To up your game in this area try to come up with different meanings for the standard emojis. It will be like your own little secret that even yourk kids and coworkers will have a hard time decoding. All you need is a little imagination, and you can make a short smiley face mean something different to your spouse and make their day. The key here is to talk ahead of time and to make sure that you don’t send the wrong signals.
• Turn your memories into photographs.
  By taking cute and funny photographs, you can capture your memories, and each time you both will look it at them, you will think about how happy you are to have each other and how much you both need to cherish your unique bond. You can also post these pictures on the social media and tag your spouse to let them know that you are proud of them, and enjoy showing them off to the world. Don’t get carried away here though. The key here is not to take yourself to seriously. You could even have a private folder on Dropbox where you put pictures of other couples that you don’t want to become. You know, kind of a “So we don’t look stupid let’s don’t do this” folder. You will be amazed by how fun this is to do as a couple.
• Share their Technology Love Language.
  My wife is a big Facebook fan and doesn’t use Twitter much at all. I am a Twitter fan and don’t spend much time on Facebook. Believe it or not but one way that I show my wife that I love her and that I am thinking about her is to share her posts or by commenting on her posts. By randomly doing this, you can surprise your spouse and let them know that what they share with the world is also important to you. You can even go crazy and tag them in a picture of whatever you are having for lunch on their favorite social network and say that next time you are buying their lunch. I know, seems really basic but isn’t communicating well getting back to the basics?
• Pick a NetFlix series and Don’t Skip Ahead.
  If you pick up a TV show or a NetFlix series that you are about binge watch that you both enjoy, not only will you both get a chance to share similar interests. Also, you will discover that because of following the same TV show you are developing more material to communicate around during the week. The key to this though is not to skip ahead of your spouse. If you do the you will only frustrate them and the communication that follows after that will not be what you were hoping for.

Enjoy your spouse and get creative in your use of technology. I think you will be surprised by how the little things make a big difference.

 

 

Matt McKee is a husband, dad, speaker, writer, entrepreneur, and pastor. You can find his blog at http://mattmckee.me or follow him on Twitter, or Facebook. 

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Things I Learned the Hard Way in Marriage Ministry

by Scott Kedersha

In a few months, I will celebrate a decade in full-time marriage ministry in the local church. In my role, I have the privilege of helping to prepare couples for marriage, to help establish them as newlyweds and to enrich and help restore married couples. No one grows up thinking they want to be a marriage pastor, yet, most days I wake up believing I’m living the dream.

However, let’s be real. Like most jobs and ministry opportunities, some days the dream is more like a nightmare. I want to share three things about marriage ministry I learned the hard way, in hopes that you won’t have to learn these lessons in a similar fashion.

1. I care a whole lot about what people think of me. When you work with couples, you will quickly learn that God’s way is not always the popular way. I can choose to fear man and tell a couple they can live together or have sex before marriage, or I can graciously share truth with them and challenge them to rethink their decisions and take some action. Galatians 1:10 is a verse I have had to cling to over the years in marriage ministry: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (NIV). The easier choice is to let people do what they want to do and have them like me. But, it’s become clear to me that pleasing man is not always (rarely!) compatible with pleasing God.
2. If you’re gonna teach it, you better live it! James 3:1 says: “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly” (NIV). Sometimes I think I can be a great marriage pastor without being great at marriage. Yes, there are times when I will fail as a husband, dad, friend and pastor and none of us can be perfect. But, if I am going to lead people with integrity in marriage ministry, then I better practice what I preach. This is often a whole lot easier said than done.
3. People’s lives are messy. I sat down with a very close friend a few days ago as he confessed to one sin after another in his marriage. I mentored this man. I watched him grow into a godly man. I officiated his wedding. Yet, on this day, he sat on my couch and cried and confessed. I wasn’t mad at him. I wasn’t disappointed in him. I was just sad. I cried with him. The greatest blessing in marriage ministry is also the hardest thing about marriage ministry. The number one thing I have learned the hard way in marriage ministry is how hard it is to watch people you love make destructive decisions.

In spite of the hard lessons, serving in marriage ministry has allowed me to better understand how to be a servant of Christ. It has also forced me to up my game at home as a husband and dad, and helped me to gain greater empathy for people.

 

Scott Kedersha is the Marriage Ministry Director at Watermark Community Church in Dallas, TX.

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Sex Conversations through the Phases [Podcast]

Dr. Jim Burns talks to Kristen Ivy about how you as a parent can help your kids grow up with sexual integrity by having healthy conversations from preschool to high school.

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Highlights

In this episode Jim and Kristen discussed:

• how the conversation should change from phase to phase
• using the rhythm of your day to start conversations about sex
• the importance of starting while your kids are young
• practical tips for parents at every phase (preschool, elementary, middle school, & high school)
• whey you should make these conversations a dialogue and not a lecture or a one-time talk

Quotes

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We can’t protect our kids and we can’t stop them from making bad choices, but we can help them…
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Today, the average age kids are exposed to pornography is 11 years old.
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“Listening is the language of love.” @drjimburns
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Episode Links

• Jim on Twitter: @drjimburns
• Kristen on Twitter: @Kristen_Ivy
• The Phase Project
• Pure Foundations Book (Age 3-5)
• Pure Foundations Book (Age 6 – 9)
• Pure Foundations Book (Age 10 – 14)
• Accept Nothing Less 
• homeword.com
• xxxchurch.com (accountability website)

Parent Cue

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• Instagram: @parentcue
• Facebook: fb.com/parentcue
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