3 Ways to Protect Your Marriage From Fatal Blows, Part 2

In 3 Ways to Protect Your Marriage From Fatal Blows, Part One, I talked about the hard truth that some married couples seek help too late. One or both of them have been delivering relational blows for so long, that it has fatally wounded their marriage. Here’s the sadder yet hopeful truth all wrapped into one: For most couples, it didn’t have to end like that. If they had focused on keeping their marriage healthy, before it got sick, they wouldn’t find themselves in so much pain.

So, now that we are all appropriately scared for our marriage, let’s talk about three ways to protect your marriage from fatal blows. Of course, there are more than three, and they may even be three better ones. But I’ve been working with married couples since 2001, I know for a fact that these three are great for all married couples.

1)    Be kind.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 

When things start getting hectic and hurtful for couples, they start thinking that their problems are complicated, therefore the solution to their problems are complicated. But oftentimes, all is required is kindness. In fact, my friend and marriage expert, Dr. Jeff Fray said to me, “We have convinced a generation that a bunch of Ph.Ds., like me, have the answers to marriage, and the average Joe and Sue have to somehow extract those answers from us. But here’s what I’m finding, couples are simply forgetting the basics, like being kind.” Don’t underestimate what kindness can do. Be kind by helping them with chores. Be kind by running errands you know they would rather not. Be kind, when they speak a harsh word to you, be kind and let it go. When they look tired, be kind and hug them without speaking a word. Kindness protects us from the fatal blows.

2)   Be available.
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10: 41-42

We are obviously surrounded with the stimuli of other people and other things. Doug Fields in his upcoming book, How To Be Her Hero, suggests that when our spouse speaks to us, we need to hit the pause button. Sometimes that is the actual pause button on the TV remote. Other times, it is the mental pause button where we stop what we are doing and focus on them. The next time your spouse calls you or speaks to you, mentally pause everything else to be available.

3)    Be fun.
Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. Ecclesiastes 9:9

Life can make us SO serious. We have serious responsibilities: jobs, mortgages, kids. We can have serious concerns: aging parents, health issues, and again, kids. It’s no wonder we get so serious. But we need to choose joy, we need to choose to laugh. We need to choose a fun tone in our relationship. One thing that keeps the laugher alive is dating. Make sure you date. We date once a week, on Friday mornings. This time is great for us to connect, but also laugh and have fun. In fact, I make a point to be a little extra silly during our date time, but also during the week. We also take boot camp classes together. I make a point to steal moments and make faces at her to demonstrate how brutal the exercises are. Culture paints marriage as the old ball and chain, we get to choose something different, we get to choose to be fun.

Be kind. Be available. Be fun. It’s not rocket science, and that’s the beauty of it. It simply protects your marriages from fatal blows. What practical ideas do you have when it comes to being kind, available, and fun?

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5 Ways to Help Your Kids Make Wise Choices

Any of these sound familiar?

Dad, can I ride my skateboard down the driveway and into the street?
Mom, can we jump off the roof into the pool?
Mom, can I slide down the banister?
Dad, can I jump on that beehive right there?

When you hear questions like that you want to scream, “NO!”
That, or run crying into your bedroom and hide under the sheets until your kids grow into adults.

Let’s face it, some decisions are easy to make. Clearly, the beehive should be left alone.

Others? Not so much. Sliding down the right banister can actually be pretty fun.

As parents, we’ve (hopefully) figured out how to make a wise choice over time. Our kids on the other hand are just starting their journey to discovering wisdom, and unfortunately, choices aren’t always cut and dry. As our kids grow up they’ll soon learn that the decisions they’ll have to make are not as black and white as we might wish.

Helping kids understand that is often easier said than done. How do we help our kids learn the importance of wisdom and making the wise choice?

1. Model your own decision-making process.

Kids are concrete thinkers, and often that means they need some connections made that are intuitive to you. As you walk through a decision such as what to eat for a healthy snack or how to respond to a neighbor’s barky dog, verbalize what’s normally just inside your head. Invite kids into the process and ask them their opinion. If it’s a big choice that you’re praying about (like buying a car or new home), pray with them about that decision as you ask God for wisdom. When your kids see you make wise choices, they’ll be more likely to make the wise choice themselves.

2. Tell stories.

The Bible is full of people who both succeeded and failed at wisdom. Read those stories together and talk about the consequences they experienced. And not only the Bible, as you’re reading (or watching) anything with your children, pause and talk through the decisions you’re seeing played out in the storyline. Use these as teachable moments to help kids discover more about wisdom.

3. Give them opportunities make the wise choice.

We often think it’s easier to make decisions for our kids. And let’s be honest—it usually is. But when we consider the end in mind for our kids, this isn’t the best thing for them. Rather than give them the answer to decision, we can guide them through the process making the wise choice. Ask questions that walk them through the sorts of ideas they should consider when making a decision. Eventually, they’ll start asking themselves those same types of questions. They may still not make the choice you wish they’d make, but at least they’re thinking through it. And who knows, they may surprise you and consider something that you hadn’t.

4. Let them mess up.

Like or not, we often don’t learn without messing up once or ten times along the way. As much as you’ll want to step in and fix it, resist the urge to rescue your kids from the consequences of their choices. It’s hard to watch of course, but sometimes we need to let our kids touch the proverbial stove in the short-term choices to help them gain wisdom that will help them win at the rest of their life. And if they do mess up (and they will), don’t take away their responsibility. Let them learn from their mistake and get back at it. Show them that you can still trust them even when they mess up. This will help give them confidence to get back at it and grow in wisdom.

5. Celebrate the wins.

When your kids make the wise choice, let them know you noticed. Celebrate them with a high-five, a hug, or slip a note into their lunch box. You don’t need to throw a party to celebrate they chose to finish their homework before playing video games all week, but showing appreciation will affirm those choices and reinforce to your kids that it was worth the effort to make the wise choice.

When it comes to wisdom—finding out what you should do and doing it—it’s important to remember that parenting is a marathon sport. Over time, the conversations that you have about making decisions will influence your children to consider the value of wisdom. Giving kids a strong foundation of wisdom is important. Let’s equip them to face down whatever choice they may face in the future

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3 Ways to Protect Your Marriage From Fatal Blows, Part 1

When it comes to marriage, you would be hard pressed to find someone more optimistic than me. But recently, I’ve come to a hard realization that may be robbing my optimism, but is also strengthening my resolve to help couples focus on their marriage WAY before they enter into crisis mode.

I’ve worked with married couples since 2001. Again, my heart and life is to help couples be proactive. But most of the people who contact me directly, do so because they are on the verge of divorce. As soon as they start talking, my heart and head start internally praying, “Oh God, please give me the words to help save this marriage.” One of the things I almost always suggest is a Marriage Intensive. If you aren’t familiar with Marriage Intensives, they are basically two to four days of in-depth counseling for couples in crisis. Most couples show up with divorce papers in hand, and three years later, 86 percent of the couples are together and healthier than ever. But here is the problem, while the intensives have a great success rate, for the last 10 years, I have a zero percent success rate of convincing anyone to go. I’m not the only one. One organization that provides Marriage Intensives, report they have an 80 percent hang-up rate when people call to inquire about what the Intensives involve. I understand why someone wouldn’t want to go, but really? Isn’t your life, your children’s lives worth a two- to four-day investment?

Now, here’s the hard realization I mentioned earlier: For some married couples, they seek help too late. One or both of them have been delivering relational blows for so long, that it has fatally wounded their marriage. What starts off as frustration, evolves into hurtful words and behavior that evolves into hatred and eventually into something worse, complete and utter apathy. The hurtful behavior can range from working too much to infidelity to simply being unavailable emotionally. I equate this to someone who neglects and abuses their body and, as a result, contracts a fatal, incurable disease. Does God still love them? Absolutely. Is it too late to save them? For many, yes. While I will always do everything possible to help a couple in crisis, the sad truth is that some are simply not going to make it.

Here’s the sadder yet hopeful truth all wrapped into one: For most couples, it doesn’t have to end like this. If they had focused on keeping their marriage healthy, before it got sick, they wouldn’t find themselves in so much pain. But most of us weren’t taught how to focus on our marriage. So in part two of this post, I’m going suggest three ways to protect our marriages from fatal blows, three things that EVERY couple needs to do. But until then, what do you think protects a marriage from being fatally wounded?

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5 Things You’ll Never Regret

Yes, it really was a bad idea to give your six-year-old access to the finger paints while you did the laundry. Or to let your fourteen-year-old son stay overnight at his friend’s place without triple checking to make sure his parents were home.

And maybe it wasn’t all that wise when you had that fight heated conversation in the kitchen when the kids were watching cartoons.

We all have regrets.
But the flip side is also true.

We all have things we’ll never regret doing as a parent. And if you think about doing things you’ll never regret, you can actually do them more often.

Here are 5 things I think you’ll never regret as a parent:

1 – Putting each other before the kids

You’ve probably heard it as much as I have: One of the greatest gifts any parent can give a child is a healthy marriage.
It’s as important for your child to know you love each other as it is for your child to know you love them.

So take a date night. Hire and sitter or enlist the grandparents and go on a weekend away. Your friends will be envious (we haven’t been away together without the kids in seven years!!!), and you’ll have so much fun you’ll think you’re dating again.

Here’s something else I’ve discovered. Eventually the kids move out (really…no lies!), and all you have left is each other. It works way better when you’ve built up your relationship to the point where you actually still like each other.

2 – Taking family vacations

It can be so hard to find both time and money to get away, but it’s been one of the best things we’ve done as a family over the years.

While staycations can be decent, a vacation moves everyone out of their native environment. There’s no grass to cut, no clutter to clean up every three hours, no video games to play for hours and hours and hours, or friends who want you to come over (again). All of you move into new experiences and new environments together. 

Even if you don’t have a ton of money, borrow someone’s house for the weekend (we’ve done that), and change up the scenery.  Moments away will become some of your kids’ fondest memories—and yours.

3 – Creating traditions

My wife is so good at this. She knew early on that family traditions are a great thing.

For example, on Christmas morning, we eat desserts like chocolate covered apples for breakfast. (No, Christmas and breakfast chocolate aren’t related, but don’t spoil things here). I don’t know how that tradition started, and I don’t even know that it’s a good idea, but we love it. And to this day, we can’t wait to dig into chocolate and stuff that really isn’t good for us in honor of Christmas.

We’re not big into baseball as a family (although I’ve always loved it), but every year I took my boys to a Blue Jays game. Now they insist on taking me. It’s a tradition.

We also go back to the same place every year for a week every year in the summer. That spot is now filled with two decades of family memories.

4 – Incorporating God into the rhythm of family life

Yep, life is busy. And talking about God can be . . . well, awkward.

But figuring out a way to make God a natural part of the conversation is a great practice to establish early. The baby and toddler years are perfect places to start with morning and bedtime stories and prayers.

In the elementary years, meal times are great places to talk about God and life.

And even in the teen years, driving around in the car or hanging out after dinner are great times to talk about faith.

If you do this well, having conversations with your kids into their college and adult years won’t be that difficult.

5 – Setting boundaries

So much of the conflict that happens between parents and kids, and between parents, happens because boundaries aren’t clear.

Boundaries and limits are something we both crave and resist. We think freedom resides in having no boundaries and limits, until we have none. Then we crave them.

Kids are masters at pushing the boundaries.

If you can set and agree on boundaries ahead of time, life becomes so much simpler. Then you have a solution to a problem (like curfew) before it arises.

Sure, if you have healthy limits for your kids as they move into their pre-teen and teen years, you too will be inducted into the Worst Parent Ever In The History Of Parenting category by your darling child, which is exactly where every parent enforcing a boundary will find themselves at some point.

But secretly your kids crave boundaries. And one day, they’ll thank you for setting them. Okay, I said one day . . .

So those are five things I’ve never regretted doing as a parent.

The list could be so much longer. What would you add to it? Leave a comment!

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Replenishing Romance with A.W.E.*

by Jim Burns, PhD.

*Affection, Warmth and Encouragement

I have an extremely yellowed post it note on my desk at home that simply reminds me to treat my wife, Cathy, with A.W.E. It’s a simple concept that can be transforming for a marriage, but simple isn’t always easy. A.W.E. stands for affection, warmth and encouragement. Several years ago I began to ask myself “Am I only giving Cathy my emotional scraps?” It seemed like I was giving my best to others and not having much energy remaining for Cathy. So one day I wrote A.W.E. by the phone on my desk and decided that to the best of my ability I would try to offer A.W.E. to Cathy daily. My work and even the children were getting my best energy and Cathy was getting the leftovers.

I began to wonder what was it that Cathy needed. So I asked her. She wasn’t shy to tell me. She wanted more affection that focused on non-sexual touch, loving words and acts of kindness. I put an A by those needs for affection. Then she said she needed the positive attention I give to others to be given to her. At the time we had three teenagers living in our chaotic home and she wanted me to bring warmth and positive atmosphere to the home. I wrote the letter W. Lastly, she said, “I just need you to understand my stressful world right now. I know “your job is about changing the world” and my world tends to be more mundane but it’s still tough. I need a little affirmation now and then.” I wrote a big E down for encouragement. The letters, which stood for affection, warmth and encouragement, were all actions that I knew I could give her. Funny how three little words have made a difference in our marriage.

 

Affection: UCLA came out with a new report that it takes 8 to 10 meaningful touches a day for a couple to thrive. Along with proactively offering loving words and actions, you can transform a marriage that is stuck. Warmth: You can set the thermostat in your relationship to warmth simply by being intentional about creating a better atmosphere. Sometimes it means not reacting to an issue and simply filtering your thoughts and words. Encouragement: Mark Twain once said, “I can live two months on one good compliment.” I realized I had been taking Cathy’s constant sacrifice for granted. Now I try to encourage her daily. As I mentioned, this concept is so simple but not always easy to do. It takes discipline and intentionality to show A.W.E., but it’s always worth it.

 

Jim Burns is the president of HomeWord. He has written many books including Creating an Intimate Marriage, Closer: 52 Devotions to Draw Couples Together and a brand new book co-written with Doug Fields, Getting Ready for Marriage.

 

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Welcome to the Next Phase

A few weeks ago, I went with my oldest son to his freshman orientation at a local university. We started out the day in two separate check-in lines—one for parents, the other for students. Then we sat in a large auditorium together, getting some basic information for two hours. After that, my son split off into a group, and I didn’t see him again until the end of the day.

As I went through the day, I was able to get the answers to some basic questions I needed—primarily financial. I got a free t-shirt. Lots of information. Some random giveaway items. But there was something that grew increasingly obvious to me—this wasn’t about me.

I didn’t need to talk to the various academic representatives—I’m not going to school there. My son is. I’m not planning his classes, he is.

I didn’t need to investigate all the potential academic helps. If my son needs help, it’s there for him to utilize . . . or not.

This is his thing to sort out. Not mine. And that is the new theme for my wife and me. We’re moving from parent to coach.

High school graduation wasn’t the finish line. It was a shift in relationship. And this might be one of the most difficult transitions.

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High school graduation wasn’t the finish line. It was a shift in relationship.
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I’m now becoming a coach. A sideline fan. Many choices and decisions will be ultimately up to him.

I’m not always going to like the decisions.
I’m going to want to protect him. Shelter him.
But I can’t always protect him.
I can help him.
Advise him when asked, or figure out a way to offer advice in a non-invasive way.
But this is part of the process of raising an adult.

I have friends who have adult children. And while they enjoy their freedom from the busyness and chaos of raising kids, they’ve had to come to a point of surrender that they are no longer setting the course.

I’m probably not going to do this well. There are going to be times when I do too much for him. And other times when I probably should step in more.

But here we go.
Welcome to the next phase.
Let’s stumble our way through it.

This post originally appeared here, and is used with permission.

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Starting Off Right: Your First Few Years in Marriage Ministry (Part 3)

by Ted Lowe and Doug Fields

(If this is the first MarriedPeople blog post you’ve read in awhile, you might be feeling like you walked into the middle of a conversation. So to get you up to speed, make sure you check out Part 1 and Part 2 of this series about Starting Off Right: Your First Few Years In Marriage Ministry.)

You’ve got buy-in from senior leadership. You’ve identified the point person. You’ve cast vision with a core team. You’ve paused to pray.

You’ve re-gathered for an “all in” planning session. You’ve determined a “Phase 1” Strategy for starting out. And you’ve determined your core content.

You’ve been busy. Take a minute to breathe. Great job so far. Ready for the last four steps? Then let’s dive in.

Step Eight: Create the Calendar
Securing dates in advance is a must for an effective marriage strategy. People are so busy that if they haven’t blocked events on their calendars in advance, your efforts will result in an empty room. Be advised: there are no perfect days. There is always going to be something that’s competing for your suggested event. Be wise, but at the end of the day, make sure your leaders will all be there, and put it on the calendar.

Step Nine: Get the word out
Marketing and messaging are crucial to the ministry’s attendance and success. Perhaps that is even truer for marriage ministry because most couples are so busy they have to be picky and selective about how they spend their time just for survival. The church is a noisy place with many different ministries trying to make themselves heard.

Step Ten: Be on the look out for leaders
From day one, you’ll need to be on the lookout for other leaders to come alongside you and develop your team. Here’s some leadership 101 stuff that we think is important enough to be reminded of—this ministry is bigger than you.
Everything rises and falls on the health of leadership. Surround yourself with the strengths of others. Look for people who will make your weaknesses seem irrelevant.

Step Eleven: Get feedback
Don’t take criticism too personally or praise too seriously. One person will say the music was awesome and someone else will complain that it was too loud and secular. As a leader, you’re going to have to be discerning when it comes to people’s input and seek Jesus for wisdom to make the right changes. Gather feedback to inform and help guide you; don’t let it defeat you. Prepare feedback cards or use easy online survey tools such as SurveyMonkey.com. Good leaders debrief and evaluate to see what’s working and what’s not.

There you go. Our prayer is that these steps are helpful to you. You should have some ideas of how to begin doing some amazing things in the lives of the couples in and around your church. The

MarriedPeople team would love to hear your stories and help in any way we can. Please let us know via email at info@marriedpeople.org.

 

This series of blog posts is excerpted from the book, Married People, How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. For more helpful tips on starting a marriage ministry, click here.

 

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How a Pet Can Build Faith This School Year

To help you hit a home run with your parent training this year, the Fuller Youth Institute is debuting the DVD release of the new Sticky Faith Family Training five-session video curriculum. To celebrate this new resource, we’ve asked Kara Powell to share research-based ideas to help your family build lasting faith as you head into the school year.

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There’s a sixth member of the Powell family now: Samoa.

She is a hamster. And our first pet. Her nickname is “Hammy.” Our 14 year-old son sometimes refers to her as “Dinner.”

Our oldest two children have asked for a pet periodically, but have never been that serious. Jessica, our nine-year-old, went hard to the hoop.

On her own initiative, she made two PowerPoint presentations about hamsters.

After her slide shows, we gave her additional questions she needed to answer, such as the cost of food and the cage. She did her homework and came back to us with figures.

She saved up money to buy this hamster, forgoing gum and candy.

We told her she needed to figure out what would happen to the hamster when we traveled, so she roped in some neighbors and my mom as “hamster sitters” when needed.

She did an oral report for Dave and me about hamsters.

She printed out directions from our house to the nearest pet store.

Clearly, she wanted a hamster.

Because of our Sticky Faith research, Dave and I agreed she could have one. We decided that while it means extra work and hassle for our family, having a pet is one of Jessica’s sparks, meaning it’s one of her passions, interests, or abilities. As we researched families who are amazing at building long-term faith for our new book, The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family, I was struck by how these parents leaned into their kids’ interests. Moms played video games with their sons. Dads learned about gymnastics. Grandparents studied up on dinosaurs.

Supporting Jessica’s sparks meant getting a hamster.

When we told her she could get a hamster, she checked out some books from the library to learn how to care for her future pet.

She even picked out the outfit she wanted to wear for when we went to the pet store and she “met” her hamster.

I like the hamster. But I don’t love her. However, I sure love my daughter. So I’m going to be enthusiastic about Samoa around Jessica.

In the spirit of long term faith, if you want to support your child in their spark, ask yourself these 4 key questions:

1. What is your kid passionate about?
2. How can you support your child in that interest?
3. What would you lose by doing so?
4. What would you gain?

You may not end up with a furry pet. But hopefully you’ll end up with a closer relationship with your child.

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Here are a few other recent posts you might enjoy!

• Practical Ideas for Relating to Your Graduating Senior
• Three Key Words Your Kids Are Longing to Hear
• Two Words Sticky Faith Taught Me To Say

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What drives us?

Have you ever been stirred to prove someone else wrong? Often we are motivated to do something because we are very conscious of our shortfall. Many successful people have been driven by the need to overcome a painful memory, a 'put down' or some other provocation. Sometimes we will make a vow to not be like someone else. Often however we find that the very thing or image that we want to avoid, we actually become like. This reminds me of the apostle Paul who said, "for what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do". (Rom.7:15)


We can be motivated by guilt. Cain killed his brother and God said to him "you will be a restless wanderer on the earth." He became a prisoner of his past. Guilt imprisons people. Restlessness enslaves people. Fear and anxiety can also imprison people. It cripples the release of creativity. It robs people of vitality. Countless millions are shackled by fear. The Bible antidote to fear is love. "Perfect love casts out fear". "God doesn't give us a spirit of fear but a love, power and a sound mind" (2 Tim.1:7) Another driver that adversely affects people is anger and resentment. Anger denies the beholder peace. It erodes grace. Resentment hurts the person who holds it more than the person to whom resentment is directed at.


The only healthy, life giving driver is God's love. The only healthy driver is the need to receive love and the need to give it away. God is love. We are wired to get love from Him so that we can in turn be filled as well as give away His love to others. His love is never in deficit or somehow flawed. We are wired to need approval, affirmation and significance. But when we realise that God alone is One who is the source of our approval, we will be empowered to have Godly confidence and Godly hope that will never disappoint.


One of the benefits of receiving His love is that we become less conscious of ourselves. When this happens we begin to live for Him and others. We will be less obsessed with the need to get approval from others. We will be more productive with what we have. I believe that life goes better when we know that we are loved.










This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on Sunday 16th August 2015. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

How To Have More Energy For Your Marriage And Family

by Gary Thomas

Marriage and family life—if done well, and if our relationships are increasing in intimacy and spiritual fruitfulness—take so much thought and concentration that we need to keep our minds fresh and focused. If we don’t preserve our emotional and mental energy for our marriage and family, we can be distracted from what is truly important to us. It is shockingly easy to miss a child’s growing coldness toward God, a spouse’s discouragement, or just let ourselves go into general drift, slowly falling away from each other if we let unhealthy people dictate how we spend our emotional and mental energy.

Don’t let Jerks determine your focus

Since we have only a limited amount of focus and energy to spend, we simply don’t have time to nurse grudges, especially with people outside our immediate family (even if it’s certain extended family members).  We certainly don’t have time to let a jerk at work or a disturbed person at our church keep robbing us of thought and energy that could be invested in our marriages.  Why spill one ounce of energy or one gram of thought on an unhealthy individual or dysfunctional situation that we’re never going to fix?

Don’t sabotage your chance to build a functional new family by wasting time trying to “repair” a dysfunctional old one.  We can’t choose what others do to us but we can choose what we let ourselves focus on.  We don’t have to let an unhealthy person invade our home—mentally or physically.

Deciding what to focus on for yourself

In his wonderful book The Blessing Life, Gerrit Dawson warns that “The worst power most of our enemies have over us is mental.  We nurse our hurts and replay the terrible words over and over.  We get shocked and outraged all over again every day.  We compose replies.  We fantasize victories.  We plead our cause before a judge and win again and again.  We refuse to forgive and thereby keep the sin alive and kicking in our souls.  The other person may never even give us another thought.  We are punishing and torturing only ourselves.”

When this process unfolds, we let an enemy attack us twice—once to our faces and then again, as we keep the fight going mentally. Dawson again: “That’s where the wisdom of Jesus comes in.  I hate to pray for enemies.  But Jesus knew what he was talking about.  It’s the path to freedom.  It stops the pain.  It ends the war.  It takes power away from the enemy.  It brings God and his healing presence to bear.  It invites the heavenly sheriff to come into your house and evict the squatters.”

Use prayer to regain your focus:

Since praying for our enemies can feel impossibly difficult, I love Dawson’s suggested, model prayer:

“Father, I know you do not repay me according to what I deserve but according to your grace in Jesus Christ.  So act toward this enemy in the same grace.  I don’t know how to pray for him.  I can’t really wish him well.  But I can pray that your will would be done in his life.  I pray you would be at work in his heart.  I will not try to prescribe to you what that work is, even though if you want my advice, I have some great ideas.  Rather, I will just say, Father, complete the good work you began in him.  Bring your truth to bear.  Bring your Word to fulfillment.  Be God in his life.  Be the triune God of grace toward him, according to your plan.”

And then, let it go.  Refocus on your family.  Do something special for your spouse.  Plan something wonderful for your kids.  Don’t let an outside feud take one more second of your time or one more thought from your concentration. Your marriage and family deserve your full attention.

Focus on what really matters

Every minute we spend rehashing an old wound or convicting an enemy in a fantasy trial is a minute we’re not praying for and serving our families.  It’s a minute we’re not worshipping.  It’s a minute we’re not dreaming about where God wants to take us and our loved ones.  It’s a minute we’re not being thankful.  It’s a minute we’re stealing from our home-life.

We can’t stop evil or unhealthy people from hurting us or attacking us, but we can stop them from taking over our minds.  Find release by giving the matter over to God in prayer, re-focus on your family, and let your enemies go.

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Starting Off Right: Your First Few Years in Marriage Ministry (Part 2)

by Ted Lowe and Doug Fields

If you want to help the married couples in your church but don’t know where to start, you are not alone. While marriage ministry is not new, churches having a holistic approach for marriages is. Before you read on, we suggest you read Part 1 of Starting Off Right. Once you have completed steps one through four, it is time to move on to steps five through seven.

Step Five: Re-Gather for the “all-in” planning session
We suggest you plan some extended time to reconnect with the key leaders on your marriage team and “stack hands” on moving forward. Affirm those who return to this all-in meeting and thank God for the team that is going to serve marriages in and outside of your church. Then take these leaders through the remaining steps in this blog post and the ones in Part 3 of this series.

Step Six: Determine “Phase 1” Strategy
If you’re planning on using the MarriedPeople Strategy, you can check it out at http://ift.tt/1cHTchG. This will help you determine the environments you want to create and the pace at which you may wish to implement them. If you are not using the MarriedPeople Strategy, obviously you’ll have to determine your next steps. Whichever direction you choose, please know that we will be cheering you on, and that we’re happy to help you as well as to learn from you. Your approach may be just as good or better than ours.

Step Seven: Determine Core Content
What are the few, most important principles or teachings you want your church to embrace about marriage? There are many ways to say the same thing; our content, the Core 4 Habits (link to homepage), aren’t your only option. Remember an important principle: if you teach less, people may actually learn more.

Here are some questions that may serve as warning signs. As you look at content, ask yourself:

• Does the material contain too much for people to absorb?
• Is it male friendly? 
Will it require a dictionary to get through it—too clinical or complicated?
• 
Is it too churchy—filled with words and terms that non-church people won’t recognize?

Seven done, four more steps to go. How are you doing so far? Got any questions we can help you with? If so, email us at info@marriedpeople.org.

And make sure you join us next Tuesday for the final post in this series.

 

This series of blog posts is excerpted from the book, Married People, How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. For more helpful tips on starting a marriage ministry, click here.

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I Feel Like a Failure

I just got off the phone with my best friend since 7th grade. Her name is Megan*, and she is one of my favorite people on Earth. First, she makes a mean grilled cheese, and second, she is one of the most loyal people I know.

Now, between Megan and I, there are five kids. We’re lucky to get a few texts out to each other a day. They usually look like this:

Me: Ezzy peed on the white rug. I need a new one.
Megan: I could use a few throw pillows.
Me: Home Goods?
Megan: Tuesday?
Me: Are we bringing the kids?
Megan: Do we have a choice?
Me: A girl can dream, right?

Ezzy is my two-year-old, by the way. And she’s a human. Not a dog.
And this is a real conversation Megan and I would have.

So when Megan called me—an actual phone call—at ten o’clock in the morning on a summer day, I knew something was wrong.

“Hey?” I answered. “What’s up?”
“I just need someone to talk to,” she said. “I feel so defeated. I feel like a failure.”

I listened with my heart aching as Megan talked about how tired she was. How empty and depleted she felt.

Her baby is teething and still nursing. She’s trying to get her older kids ready to go back to school. She’s carpooling them to practice, doctor’s appointments, and friend’s houses. Not to mention the laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, baths, meal preparation, and the cleaning. Oh, yeah, Megan wants to connect with her husband, too.

No one loves being a mom more than Megan. And I don’t know anyone who is better at it. But today she felt like a failure because she was giving everyone every ounce of herself, and it still didn’t feel like enough. She didn’t feel like she was enough.

I look at all she does for her family and I want to (and do, actually) say, “Hey, you’re better than I am. I quit nursing about fifteen minutes into this whole parenting thing. The laundry piles in my house are massive safety hazards, and the last home-cooked meal I made for my kids was a cereal and milk buffet.” **

And then suddenly, I don’t feel like enough.
I feel defeated.
I feel like a failure.

Have you ever felt like that? Like Megan and me? Like, no matter how hard you try, something is always left undone? Like your best is never sufficient? Like you don’t measure up to the standard? Have you ever felt like a failure?

Having these types of thoughts in moments of weakness is one thing, but letting them take root in our hearts is another. If we truly start believing we aren’t enough, we will push ourselves beyond healthy boundaries to compensate for what we perceive to be areas of deficiency. And there is no joy there. There is no hope in that way of thinking or living. Because it leaves no room for grace. No room for Jesus.

I have a crazy idea. What if we believed what the Bible says about us is true? What if that defined us, nothing else and no one else?

We’d believe we are . . .

• Justified and redeemed (Romans 3:24)
• Accepted by Christ (Romans 15:7)
• Chosen, holy, and blameless before God (Ephesians 1:4)
• Forgiven (Ephesians 1:7)
• Righteous and holy (Ephesians 4:24)
• Made complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10)

I suck. Like, no, really. I am selfish and insecure and flakey and needy and my two-year-old pees on things.

But my fleshly weaknesses do not define me. My worth was eternally forged on the cross when Jesus exchanged His perfection for my filth.

On days when I feel like I’m doing a good job at life, and on days that I feel like I’m totally screwing everything up, my worth is the same. It never changes, and it never will.

*This is not accurate
**This is 100% accurate

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You Are Not An Accident

Every birth is a wanted birth. There is no such thing as an illegitimate birth from God's perspective. Every person has legitimacy because every birth has purpose. No one is random - the result of thoughtless events or careless circumstances. Psalm 139:13-16 says "For You formed my inward parts...My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret and skilfully wrought in the lowest part of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance being yet unformed and in Your book they were all written, the days fashioned for me when as yet there were none of them." God formed you before you were conceived! You were God designed. The Designer made you in His image, never to be repeated is all of creation past, present or future. His design pre dates your physical arrival declaring  intentionality and purpose.


When we come to terms with the eternal fact that our existence is pre planned we will be at peace about our lives. Instead of being ruled by a sense of shortfall or grievance we will be able to thrive and not just survive. Behind your existence is a loving Heavenly Father who always upholds your value because He loves you. Distortion happens when we fail or refuse to see how much God loves us. The story of the prodigal son and his older brother illustrates this distortion. Neither son understood how much they were both loved and therefore accepted by their father. The father told the older son, "Son you are always with me and all that I have is yours" (Luke 15:31)When we fail to see how much we are loved by God we will be telling ourselves lesser than we ought as well as seeing others lesser than we ought. But when we receive His love we will also see that we are not 'accidents'.


We have purpose because of His love. When you know someone believes in you, you will aspire to greater heights and will achieve more than you can ever imagine. Most 'successful' people are driven by a strong sense of injustice or unfairness in life. But this motivation still leaves an internal gap because deficit is a driver that doesn't produce wholeness. The prodigal son and his brother could not get wholeness until they both saw how much their father loved them.












This blog is based on a message given at The Vine Church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 9th August 2015. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

The “15 Second Kiss” Experiment

By Ryan Frederick, Co-Founder of Fierce Marriage

A few weeks back, I met a gentleman at church named Tim. Tim and his wife had been married many years (I can’t remember exactly, but it was at least 30) and weathered many trials through their marriage (cancer included).

Naturally I asked him what the secret was – as I usually do when I meet someone with an epic marriage. “How have they stuck together through everything?” - I asked him this knowing that we shared our faith and reliance on Jesus Christ.

He simply replied, “The 15 second kiss.”

Intrigued, I asked, “What do you mean?“… though I suppose I could have figured it out.

He responded, “Every day, my wife and I always give each other a 15 second kiss. It’s long enough that you can’t fake it – it forces us to connect.”

I had never heard of purposefully timing a kiss. It was a novel idea I was anxious to try!

Our “15 Second Kiss” Trial”

Selena and I kiss plenty, but we realized that we don’t often kiss for more than a few seconds. I’m not exactly sure why, but I do know it wasn’t like that when we were dating. We made out way too much and for too long when we were dating…

After my “sales pitch”, Selena and I agreed to try a few days with the “15 second kiss” rule. Here’s what we learned (or were reminded of)…

1) 15 seconds isn’t that long… except when you’re kissing

We burn 15 seconds all the time without thinking about it. We sit on our phones, daydream, work around the house, you name it – 15 seconds is a short amount of time for most tasks. However, when you’re kissing and consciously timing it, 15 seconds seems to be longer. And that’s a good thing!

At first we were both aware of the time because of the novelty of the exercise. It didn’t take long for us to simply get lost in the kiss. If other couples are like us, we get too busy to “get lost” doing anything. The 15 second kiss was a refreshing reminder that we can truly get lost in our affection for one another.

2) It’s nearly impossible to kiss for an extended period of time and not feel closer

Kissing is intimate. We found that as we “got lost” in the kiss, we were getting lost together. And when we were lost together we truly found each other. (Oh that sounds poetic…)

Kissing makes us feel closer; and since we always want to feel closer it makes sense to make purposed kissing a daily part of our lives.

3) It refocused us on “who” we are to each other

When you’re “kissably-close” to your spouse, smelling their breath, feeling their skin, you remember who they are as a person. It’s easy to begin seeing your spouse as a roommate or casual partner, but kissing reminds us of the distinctly human qualities (good and bad) that we fell in love with in the first place.

Kissing forces us to drown out distractions around us. We had to consciously tune everything else out and focus solely on each other – something we can all agree we need more of.

4) Kissing is a gateway drug

Kissing contributes to overall friskiness. We are both… ahem… more “intimacy minded” after the 15 second kisses than we are before.

5) Kissing refreshes and energizes us

Perhaps it’s just the friskiness, or maybe something else, but kissing is like an adrenaline shot.  We both feel excited and energized after a 15 second kiss.

Try for yourselves!

Whether you and your spouse are constant kissers or even if you’ve forgotten what a french kiss is, I highly recommend giving this exercise a shot. Feel free to go longer than 15 seconds, but certainly don’t go shorter – at least not after you try it a few times.

I’m confident it will have a positive impact on your relationship with your spouse. Give it a try and report back with your findings.

 

Question: Have you tried the 15 second kiss? If so, tell us about your experience in the comments.

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4 Ways to Connect with Your Kid’s Teacher

Do you remember your first grade teacher? I loved mine. I remember how Ms. Parker erased the board from left to right every day and then wrote the new date in the top right hand corner. I also remember how she showed me how to use a ruler because I was sick on the day she taught everyone else. She knelt near my desk and she helped me measure my arm and my folder and my snack.

Now that our oldest is in school, I’m beginning to understand the crazy reality of widening his circle. I know his teachers will spend many of the quality hours of his week guiding and molding him, so I want our partnership with those teachers to be strong.

And because I’ve been a teacher longer than I’ve been a parent, I’m clinging to a few things I hope to remember now that I’m on the other side of the playground fence.

1 – Make It Personal

I know the hardest time to get to know a teacher is when my kid needs help or is in trouble. I want to make it a point to befriend his teachers as soon as possible. Ask them questions about their classroom and their life. Connect with them however I can and as early as I can. Show them that I am interested in them and what they do to love and serve my child every day. That way, when there’s a bump in the road, my relationship is strong enough for honesty and compassion on both sides.

2 – Model Respect

As our kids grow in their understanding of authority, I know they’ll look to us to learn how to respond when they’re faced with conflict. I feel our disrespect of our child’s teachers will breed their future disrespect of us and other authorities in their life. I want to encourage and model respect, and help them learn from the decisions their teachers make, good and bad.

3 – Give

I remember being so touched that a mom randomly brought me new Expo markers that I called her at home to thank her. I want to give my time. My enthusiasm. My old magazines. It doesn’t matter. I know I want to show up and show my kid’s teachers I’m willing to support their every-day, super-tough work.

4 – Pray

I think I realized how much I like praying on the first day I watched that school bus drive away from our street. Talking to God about my kids’ day is a great way to relieve a lot of anxiety about the things I can’t control . . . and a great way to thank Him for the inevitable and wonderful ways their circles are widening.

What other ways would you add to our list? Let us know in the comments below!

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Starting Off Right: Your First Few Years in Marriage Ministry (Part 1)

by Ted Lowe and Doug Fields

When I (Ted) started marriage ministry in the local church in 2001, I felt alone. As I looked across the country, I saw very few churches that had a holistic approach to marriage, or any approach for that matter.

Today, Doug and I are both very encouraged with the number of churches leaders who are going after it. Some have a plan, others are asking, “How do I get started?” For the latter group, this post and the next two (to be posted the next two Tuesdays) is for you.

Step One: Get buy-in from senior leadership
Let’s start with the obvious. You need to recognize where the power for change (or at least powerful influence) lies—senior leadership. Depending on your church structure, this could be anyone from the senior pastor, the executive pastor, the person overseeing family ministry or the head of elders to the janitor. The senior pastor may not supervise you directly, but we encourage you to make sure you’ve got buy-in from the ministry leader before beginning this ministry. If the senior pastor isn’t supportive of it, you will really struggle to implement a marriage strategy.

Step Two: Identify the point person
This person needs to be a self-starter who can take an idea and run with it. He or she needs to be comfortable working with other leaders and have the ability to recruit others for help. There’s no one type of personality that fits for all situations—we’ve seen both extroverts and introverts win in this role—but the common characteristic of a good leader is one who has the ability to make things happen on his or her own. If he or she has to wait for you before making decisions and moving forward, this process will stall out and drive you crazy.

Step Three: Cast Vision with A Core Team of Leaders
Here’s a leadership truth you can bank on: Everyone wants to be invited to something. Invite people to join you in leadership. What’s better than helping marriages? Invite people onto this roller coaster called marriage ministry—it’s guaranteed to be a wild ride. One suggestion is to choose heart over skills, always. We’d much rather teach a good-hearted person the needed skills than try to teach a skilled person to have a heart.

Step Four: Pause to Pray
We assume you’ve been praying during this entire process, but we also know it’s easy for ambitious leaders (that would describe both of us) to move too fast. We like ideas and movement and want to see both appear quickly. We get it and appreciate your enthusiasm. But, slow down. Breathe. Take time to pray and talk to Jesus about your ambitious dreams and desires. We suggest talking to God before, during, and after, and always seek the wisdom that He promises to provide. Jesus was (is) God, and even He waited 30 years before starting His ministry. And what was one of His first leadership decisions? He went into the wilderness to fast and pray.

We will be back next week with Part 2 of Starting off right: Your First Few Years in Marriage Ministry.

 

This series of blog posts is excerpted from the book, Married People, How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. For more helpful tips on starting a marriage ministry, click here.

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The Power of a Warm Home

Kara Powell, Executive director of Fuller Youth Institute and author of Sticky Faith, talks with Kristen Ivy and Reggie Joiner in this episode of Parent Cue Live, about the power of warmth in your home and how it deepens the connection parents have with their kids.

Listen to Parent Cue Live

The Parent Cue Live podcast is now available on iTunes! Click here to subscribe and get each episode automatically!

To listen to this episode, click the player below (If you’re reading this via email or RSS, please click here).

Highlights

In this episode, Reggie, Kristen, and Kara discussed:

• new insights and what Kara has learned from the 5 years of research and work with Sticky Faith
• connection before correction
• how to guard the warmth culture of your home
• the importance of play
• learning how to discipline while keeping the warmth in your home

Quotes

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Joy & Forgiveness are the most telling characteristics of a warm home.
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If you don’t play w/a kid after you discipline, they may never feel you’ve really forgiven them.
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“As long as I have relationship with my kids, I have influence.” – @KPowellFYI 
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Resources

• Sticky Faith
• Fuller Youth Institute

Links

• Kara on Twitter: @KPowellFYI
• Reggie on Twitter: @ReggieJoiner
• Kristen on Twitter: @Kristen_Ivy

Parent Cue

• Twitter: @theparentcue
• Instagram: @parentcue
• Facebook: fb.com/parentcue

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Hopefully this episode has helped you “do family better.” That’s our goal. If you appreciated it, could you share the love?

The best way to do that is to rate the podcast in iTunes and leave us a review! Your rating and review helps gets the podcast in front of new parents and listeners.

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It All Starts With God

The whole of life this side of death is about realising what our purpose on earth is really about. Every one discovers that life is, shock of shocks, not about themselves. The whole of life is about transitioning from 'me to God and from mine to yours'. The apostle Paul said "my life is no longer my own. it belongs to another." Jesus said "if you want to gain your life you need to lose it". In one sense all of humanity starts out on the wrong foot. But God specialises in new starts. He never 'wrong foots' us. He, however will invite us to review and to re boot our lives with a new start.


Getting a new start is about discovering His purpose for my life. His start pre dates my birth. Eph. 1:4 says "...He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love..." In other words our intended purpose is wrapped up in God's love which is demonstrated for us through Christ. Our new start is actually heavenly in origin. This contrasts with our earthly status. Our earthly status is measured in terms of earning approval from others. This is tantamount to the donkey trying hard to get the carrot that is set before it, constantly elusive and always frustrating.


Jesus heard and received the words of His heavenly Father "This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased" (Mt 3:17) Our new start begins when we too hear the same words "You are My beloved child in whom I am well pleased." The new start in God begins with His evaluation of us. This is foreign to our cultures and our belief systems because these are built upon flawed human assessments that measure our need to find acceptance from others and to earn approval through our efforts. How freeing it is to know that your Heavenly Father measures our value in terms of all that His Son has done. This is the substance of the new start that is offered us.


Realising that we are made for God, gives us a new perspective about who we are and what our real life purpose is all about. We will discover the bigness and the awesome nature of God Himself. We will also marvel at how He is mindful of us. William Anders, an astronaut commented that "we came all the way to explore the moon and the most important thing was that we discovered the earth." When we discover and receive the love of God we will also discover His purpose for our lives and we will be changed forever. When we see that He first loved us, we will be changed. When we see that He first laid hold of us, we will be empowered to lay hold of Him. When we see "the upward call of God in Christ Jesus",  we will be able to move past our past. In fact we will live today for tomorrow. It all starts with God!












This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia, on 2nd Aug 2015  entitled "It All Starts With God". The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching