Permission or Respect?

by Monica Humpal

I have a really awesome 16-year-old daughter. I’m blessed beyond measure that she and I have an open and honest relationship, which means she talks to me about pretty much everything. Earlier this year she broke up with her very first boyfriend and it was such a tough time. But, I was proud of her for her choice and was impressed with her maturity.

There were several reasons for the break-up, but one particular issue seemed to keep coming up. Her boyfriend would go over to other girls’ houses to “hang out” and would disregard Morgan’s feelings in the matter. He said these girls were just friends, but that really wasn’t the issue. It made my daughter uncomfortable that he and these girls were alone together and she shared her feelings about this with him on many occasions. He would ask why he needed “permission” from her to go places, and she’d respond that he didn’t need her permission, but he should want her to be comfortable with it. He simply disregarded her feelings over and over. So, that, combined with other issues, left her with the only conclusion—this was not a healthy relationship and she needed to end it.

This was a very grown-up situation for my daughter—a situation that many of us find ourselves in even after marriage. Do we need to ask permission from our spouse to do things away from them? Does that give our spouse control over our actions? Is it right to expect that type of conversation with our spouse before they go places? What is healthy in a marriage and what is unhealthy? Is that considered actually controlling the other person? So many things are rolled into this, but I’d like to address this issue based on my own experience.

I’d like to say, in full disclosure, that I do discuss my comings and goings with my husband. Do I have to? No. But I choose to. Here is why:

1. My decision making almost always affects my spouse. Considering my spouse’s feelings and concerns when deciding to do something or go somewhere shows that I respect how this may affect him. Example: I’ve been invited to go out for a “girls’ night,” which means that this event would (a) cost money, and (b) take me out of the house for the evening, probably pretty late. Both of these things involve my husband because (a) the money in your household belongs to both of us, and (b) especially since we have kids, both of us need to consider the other when choosing when to be gone and when to be home. So, yes, my spouse needs to be involved in conversations prior to my going “out” in many instances.
2. It’s not controlling—it’s honest conversation. Here is the bottom line—you are never in control of another person’s actions. This is where the “unhealthy” comes into play. There are many ways we try to manipulate certain behaviors from others, whether it be with guilt trips, threats, or ultimatums. This is NOT what I’m referring to at all by stating that I discuss my comings and goings with my husband. Take my example above: My husband would share his feelings about my going on a “girls’ night.” After that honest conversation, I am still free to make my own decision about whether to go or not. The key here is that he doesn’t guilt me into not going or threaten me with ultimatums if I do. That kind of response, my friends, would have been truly unhealthy. The bottom line is this—healthy conversation should lead to a healthy outcome for both parties.
3. It’s not permission, it’s RESPECT. Maybe it is the word “permission” that gets so many people riled up. I’m not sure “permission” is the right word when I discuss plans with my husband, but I am seeking his comfort and approval of it nonetheless—and that works both ways with his plans as well. Our phrase is typically, “Hey do we have anything going on Saturday?” That is usually a cue that one of us is thinking of doing something without the other and we are making sure what we’d like to do isn’t impeding on the family’s schedule or would be upsetting at all to the other. Beyond that question comes good conversation and, most of the time, a reasonable and acceptable outcome that makes us both happy.

My husband and I were not always at this point in our relationship. I can remember many tears shed on my part when he would just inform me of decisions to go do things without considering my feelings or any family plans we may have had. I can also remember countless times I would sign up for church events and activities (and sometimes sign HIM up to help!) without discussing things with him first. We had to get to this point together and realize that it’s not about permission—it’s about respect. I respect my husband and he respects me. This respect works both ways:

We respect each other enough to include them in the discussion before doing something without them, and
We respect each other enough to back away from something that makes the other uncomfortable or upset.

Bottom line—I believe marriage is a partnership where there is mutual respect. This means that decisions are made together, even about things we want to do without our spouse. For us, it’s not permission, it’s respect.

 

Rev. Monica Humpal is the Director of Grow Ministries at Williamson’s Chapel United Methodist Church in Mooresville, North Carolina. Follow her marriage blog at wcmarriedpeople.wordpress.com.

*Note: This article was inspired by an article by Ashley Willis.  

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Technology Tip : Ask “Which of Your Friends Have Devices?”

We are the first generation of parents in the history of mankind to raising kids in a technology connected culture. Jon Acuff continues his series of Technology Tips by reminding us our kids have the potential to be connected or access devices even when they’re not in at home. As you keep this in mind, here’s a question to ask to help continue the technology conversation with your kids.

Other Technology Tips:
You’re Not A Doctor
Ask Questions About Video Games
Don’t Miss the Moment
Be a Team Manager Not a Secret Agent

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Sometimes the Heart Needs to Hear What It’s Doing Right

“Well, I guess I can’t do anything right.”

I stopped loading the dishwasher and looked at my daughter when I heard her say that. I knew immediately I was the reason she had said it. I had been picking her apart since she got home from school. I had corrected her for at least five different things before we even had dinner.

Well, why didn’t you talk to your teacher about it? You have got to stop being so quiet and ask more questions.

You have got to start reading more if you are ever going to do better in that class.

That is not where your backpack goes.

The stack of clothes I put on your dresser is still sitting there. I told you to put them away this morning.

Please put your phone down. You are on that thing way too much!

Yes, kids need correcting. But on this day, God used what my daughter said to help me understand two things:

Sometimes the heart needs to hear what it’s doing right.

And, correcting is better received in small doses.

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“Sometimes the heart needs to hear what it’s doing right.” – @autumnrebekah
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Basically, I imagined God asking me this question:

How would you feel if I told you everything you did wrong today all at once?

Ouch.

If God told me everything I did wrong all at once, I would feel like a totally failure and probably want to give up on life.  If I thought people only saw the bad, I would feel completely defeated.

Is this how I was making my daughter feel?

Maybe that’s the reason God reveals things to us a little at a time. We would become quickly discouraged and overwhelmed if our eyes were opened to everything that is not right in our lives all at once.

I knew I needed a different plan for helping my daughter. After a brief moment alone seeking how God would want me to respond, this is what I came up with.  As always, His way is working much better than mine.

1. Encourage – Point out something specific that she is doing well before correcting her. I’m finding that encouragement opens my daughter’s heart and helps her be more accepting of correction.
2. Focus – Correct what’s most important in that moment, and let the other things go temporarily. Yes, I choose to ignore some behaviors or choices and focus on one thing. I may decide the backpack can wait until later and choose to address her phone usage now.
3. Ask -Turn statements into questions. Rather than saying, You have got to stop being so quiet and ask more questions, I am asking questions like, What do you think would happen if you asked your teacher about that?

After nineteen years of parenting, I’m still discovering the kind of parent I want to be to my kids and learning how I can do better.

At the end of the day, I want our home to be a place my children want to run to, not away from—a plac

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Listening For Life (Part Four)

What are we listening for when we commune with God? The Bible tells us that if we will lean into Him, we will "hear and we will live". We can live because He wants all who come to Him to receive covenant promises that are to be received, experienced and outworked through all generations. Paul reminded a young Timothy to remember the faith that was seen in his grandmother and then his mother. He urged Timothy to lay hold of the promises of God for himself.


Generational blessings are accompanied by the covenant promises of God. When God spoke the promise to Abraham in Gen. 12:2 that "you shall be a blessing...and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed", He also spoke the same promise to Isaac and then to Jacob. What is remarkable about generational blessing, is that the Abrahamic promises are not dependent upon human performance. They happen because God is ever faithful to His Word and moreover is fully satisfied with the performance of His own Son.


What is required of us, is not so much our performance but our faith. Abraham, "by faith dwelt in the land of promise as in a foreign country..." (Heb.11:9) The believer dwells in the finished work of Christ and can therefore receive by faith in His finished work even though he lives in a "foreign country", surrounded by challenge and even unbelief. We also need to be "fully convinced that what He has promised He will perform" (Rom.4:21) Our job is to confess what He has already performed through Christ. For example, I can confess that He is my peace because He has already brokered peace. My outside world maybe the antipathy of peace but my inside world is at peace because He dwells in me!!


The believer's job is to identify with the new covenant which is the "better covenant". It is better because its promises do not depend upon my performance . Under the terms of the old covenant, the law would measure my performance but it could never change me for good. "The promise that he (Abraham) would be heir of the world was not to Abraham or to his seed through the law but through the righteousness of faith. For if those who are of the law are heirs, faith is made void and the promise made of no effect..." (Rom.4;13-15) In fact the opposite to faith is the law! Are we listening by law or by faith?


Finally, Jesus said that "This cup is the new covenant in My blood which is shed for you" (Lk.22:20)
New covenant promises are sealed by the blood of Jesus. When we eat and drink, we are celebrating all that He has done. This is the worthy manner by which we are to eat and drink. We put faith in His body so that we experience healing and well being. Under the old covenant the believer was ever conscious of his shortfall but under the new covenant, the believer is to be ever conscious and thankful that he is now the beneficiary as well as the bearer of His finished work!


 "Incline your ear and come to Me. Hear and your soul will live and I will make an everlasting covenant with you..."














This blog is based on a message, called Listening For Life (Part Four), given by Ross Smith at The Vine Church, Logan City, Springwood, Queensland , Australia on 24th January 2016. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

Anchored In

When I was 18, I learned to scuba dive with my brother, uncle and two cousins. It was a surprisingly quick process, perhaps too quick. After a weekend of instruction in a pool and one dive in a quarry, our instructor, Arnie, said we were ready for our first ocean dive. So we took a trip to the Gulf of Mexico.

On our first trip out, Arnie said, “Once you are in the water, go down the anchor rope. Once you are at the bottom, wait there with the anchor until everyone is down.” Then he looked at me and said, “Ted, you’re not scared of anything, you go first.” At that moment, I wasn’t scared. I did exactly what he said, and my brother quickly joined me at the bottom. But the rest of my family and the instructor didn’t come down.

After about five minutes, I got distracted by all the sand dollars and quickly started to stuff them in my bag. My brother stayed closed to me. After just a few minutes of collecting sand dollars, I looked for the anchor rope, but it was nowhere in sight. I swam to try to find it. My brother followed. After several failed attempts, I decided we should go up to the surface to get our bearings. When we surfaced, the ocean was very rough and our boat was at least two football fields away. I was officially scared of something.

While we were far from our boat, fortunately we were close to another boat that took us back. Needless to say, our families were relieved/mad. While I didn’t give up diving—in fact we had a successful dive an hour later—I did develop a healthy fear of not letting the anchor rope out of sight.

After years of trying to follow Jesus, I’ve learned the same lesson. If I let Him too far out of my sight, by not spending time with Him, making choices that don’t honor Him, or simply getting distracted, I find myself fearful, confused and depressed. I love this verse:

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19 NIV).

I love the fact He wants me to swim close to Him. When I do, my soul truly is more firm and secure . . . in Him. God offers you and me anchors for our souls. I don’t know about you, but that truth settles my soul. It also makes me a better husband. Who am I kidding? It makes me a better everything.

What keeps you anchored in to God?

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

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Connecting with Your Kids: The Secret Sauce

In Georgia, we’re approaching the 100th day of school. This being the first year where we have a child in school, this is a big milestone. Not necessarily for our kindergartener, but for us, his parents. School, as turns out, is no joke. I am still waiting on my body to figure out how to be a morning person.

Wake up time aside, the adjustment to having a child in school is a big one. We’ve entered a realm of parenting that has taken, well, 100 days to get used to.

But the biggest change in our family has been our need to be more intentional.

Before school, connecting with our boys was a breeze. They were with us all the time, and when something came up that needed to be addressed, it could be done immediately. If we felt like one of our boys was out of sorts, we figured out a way to connect quickly. But these days, quick and immediate don’t seem to happen. Now, planning and purpose are necessary.

Just a couple of weeks into school, we got in the habit of taking Asher to a coffee shop once in a while for this very reason. We thought, “What better way to connect with our boy, than over a latte (for me) and some hot chocolate (for him)?!?” Seemed like a great idea. That’s how I like to catch up with people and where my best conversations happen. Wouldn’t it be the same for a six-year-old?

Wrong. After school, my son was not in the mood to spend more time sitting, in a chair, at a table, talking. He’d much rather prefer “having time to be silly” as he told me.

Fair enough.

But that left my husband and me with some roadblocks because Asher is a kid who processes internally and who has a lot going on beneath the surface. So, in order to really get to the heart of him, we had to get creative. A coffee shop wasn’t cutting it.

Then last week, after another failed after school trip for a peach smoothie, my husband spent some time in Asher’s room building Legos with him. They tackled Star Wars figures, dragons, and snakes and, in the process, something happened.

Asher began talking. As he intently focused on finding the right pieces and following the numbered instructions, he opened up. He volunteered insight into his day, into frustrations he was feeling, but also things that were making him happy.

It was an “aha” moment for us. Legos, or playing with him, was the secret sauce.

Consequently, here’s what we’re figuring out: As life changes, our kids change. What can feel like them pulling away from us can actually just be them maturing and growing up. They aren’t looking to shut us down necessarily; they are inviting us to try harder. To find the way to connect with them in a new way, when the old way isn’t working anymore.

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What feels like our kids pulling away from us can actually just be them maturing and growing up.
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We would be foolish to take every failed attempt to connect as a rejection. We would be wise to use it as a springboard to encourage us to try something new. To get creative. To figure out a different way to reach the heart of our kids.

They aren’t shutting us out, they’re creating new pathways for others to know them. And we get to be the trailblazers.

Maybe a new season of life has left you scrambling, feeling like you don’t know your child anymore. Don’t give up on them. And don’t give up on yourself. To figure out what the secret sauce is for you and your child, ask yourself some questions:

• When/where was the last time/place you really felt connected? (Not the time or place where you felt good about your effort, but where your child was responsive.)

• What was happening? (Try to remember context: physical surroundings, emotional temperatures etc.)

• How can you make it happen again?

Parenting is going to keep us on our toes. And it should. If we feel like we are always playing catch up with our kids, it’s okay. Because it means we’re in it, we’re still going after them. It’s worth the effort to pursue the hearts of your kids—for lots of reasons, but for us that includes the money we’re saving on lattes.

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7 Things We Learned from Leaders in 2015

by Ted Lowe

We started MarriedPeople in 2010. Our goal then was the same as it is now—to help churches help marriages. It’s a goal that we know we can’t reach solely on on our own, and why we have always talked to and learned from church leaders.

But the conversations we are having now are much different from the ones we had in the beginning . . . in a really good way.

In the beginning, leaders began conversations with us with comments like:
“I’m really passionate about helping married couples, but I have no idea where to start.”
“Married couples need help, but I’m not sure I’m the right person to lead them.”

Fast forward to now, and leaders are still passionate about helping couples, but they begin conversations excited about how they have customized the MarriedPeople strategy to fit their context.

My prayer for MarriedPeople church leaders in 2016 is for leaders to trust themselves, and that is exactly what they are doing. Here are 7 things we have learned from so many amazing, creative leaders.

1. Leadership REALLY matters.
   Meeting individually with a core group of couples, casting vision, getting “buy-in” from them, asking them to attend and inviting others to events goes a long way in making your marriage strategy successful. Leaders have taught us that not every couple has to do everything. For example, advocate couples are not necessarily “on the team” as far as planning and set-up, but they play an important role in inviting and drawing people to events.
2. Childcare needs to be addressed.
   For many married couples, lack of childcare is a deal killer. Childcare keeps many couples from attending your marriage events, small groups or going out on date nights. Leaders have taught us to think outside the box. One church encourages couples in small groups to trade off being baby sitters for date nights. Another church provides childcare at the church, where the majority of their volunteers are student leaders from the high school ministry.
3. Multi-generational events work.
   Many couples are put into church environments with people in their same life stage. While this can be helpful, leaders have shared with us time and time again that younger and older couples love spending time with and learning from each other.
4. Social media is key to promoting your marriage strategy.
   Some people love social media, i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. Some people hate social media, but make no mistake about it, many people use it and depend on it. People are online and on their phones. It is important married people find you and hear from you online and through social media. Social media is not only a great place to provide details about your marriage strategy; it gives individual couples a place to share their questions and success stories. Social media makes it personal.
5. Couples love a photo booth.
   Photo booths can be elaborate or simple. One MarriedPeople church had a fishing theme. For their photo booth they brought in a rowboat for couples to sit in to get their pictures made. But photo booths can be as simple as taking pictures in front of an attractive area of your church. Or you can do what so many churches are doing by simply handing couples a large frame and goofy props like big glasses, hats and boas to use in their photo.
6. MarriedPeople resources are different. 
   At the risk of sounding self-promoting, we have worked really hard from a strategic, creative and even technical standpoint to make our resources customizable to the individual needs of your church. This year leaders have let us know emphatically that is what they want. So that is what we will keep doing.
7. Church leaders are lonely.
   So often church leaders feel like they are the only ones who care for the marriages in their churches. While this is obviously not true, people’s actions often communicate otherwise. For instance, we talked to one leader who said her event went great, but no other leadership members attended. Even in really large churches, marriage ministry can be minimized leaving leaders feeling alone. That is why we created the MarriedPeople Leaders Facebook group. There you can connect with the MarriedPeople team, but even more importantly, other church leaders who believe that one of the most important things a church can do for kids and teenagers is to help marriages that impact their lives.

Let’s keep learning together people. What have you learned this year? Go to MarriedPeople Leaders Facebook group and let us know.

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

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Listening For Life (Part Three)

The Bible promises that if we listen for God's voice our souls will live and we will encounter the unfailing love of God. It is His unfailing love (Is.55:3 NLT) that undergirds His covenant promises to us. His promises are derived from His character. He is love and therefore His covenant promises are everlasting because His love is everlasting.


Abraham received a promise that he would "go to the land that (He) would show him... all the people of the earth will be blessed through you." (Gen.12:1-3) Abraham then began the journey of life that was promised for him and his descendants. He travelled upward of 800 kms to the land that God would show him. The geographic journey however was not as challenging as the journey from his head to his heart. The most challenging journey that we will travel in 2016 is not the geographic journey but is the faith journey. Abraham did not "waver at the promise of God through unbelief but was strengthened in faith ...and being fully convinced that what He had promised he was able to perform. And therefore it was accounted to him for righteousness". (Rom.4:20-22) When we exercise faith in the promises of God, He will perform the very things that we cannot do nor are supposed to do.


There is a journey that God the Holy Spirit wants to lead us on so that we both hear and act upon His promises to us. Holy Spirit, will unpack the new covenant promises. He will direct us toward Jesus. Whenever we position ourselves to hear from Him, veils are removed. Under the terms of the old covenant, there were obstacles of condemnation, guilt and shame. But under the terms of the new covenant, these obstacles have been removed because the believer is now the beneficiary of total cleansing given or imputed through the finished work of the Son. How well will you grow when you know that you are totally forgiven? How well will your soul - that is your mind and emotions - thrive when you know that whenever you turn to the Lord, "there is liberty". (2 Cor.3:17) How well will you be when you look into the mirror of His Presence and glory, that you receive nothing less than His perfect love, acceptability and grace. How well will you be when you know that He will never leave you or forsake you because He is the covenant keeping God. This is the stuff that will cause us to thrive in 2016.


When we journey the covenant promises of God we will experience renewed minds. We will be protected from the need to be "squeezed into the world's mould" (Rom.12:2 J.B.Phillips) Instead we will be conformed to the promises of God. Circumstances - good, bad and downright ugly - will give way to the covenant promises of God. This is His best for you and I in 2016.
"Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health just as your soul prospers." (3John 2)












This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine church, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 17th Jan. 2016 called "Listening For Life" (Part Three). The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

How to Change Your Spouse

by Casey and Meygan Caston

Have you ever tried to change your spouse?  How’s that working for you?

We get asked this a lot.  Couples want to see that the other person in the relationship change in a way they prefer.  Something about the way they drive, how long they take to get ready, how affectionate they should be, or how much football they watch.  They don’t do it like we do it, and it frustrates the heck out of us.  We’ll try anything to get them to change.

The most common tactic used here is to nag.  Every time the issue happens, we bombard our spouse with criticism or sarcasm.  We will go to great lengths to explain the proper way to fold the towels or pack the lunches for the kids.  Our hope is that with enough detailed, step-by-step instruction, our spouse will be reprogramed correctly.  The result– one of us exhausted by passionately campaigning our cause and the other putting in the emotional ear plugs of defensiveness.

The other go-to strategy is manipulation.  The one spouse will not talk about the issue or concern directly for fear of causing disruption in the relationship, and yet will be behind the scenes putting incredible effort to create change in the other spouse.  It’s amazing how much gamesmanship goes on in this tactic that could have been avoided with a direct dialogue about what the other person needs.  A perfect example was when we were first married and Casey wanted Meygan to enjoy cooking because he loves to eat.  He bought her new kitchen gadgets, fancy cookbooks, made subtle comments, and even brought friends over who loved to cook, with the hopes of getting Meygan to fall in love with cooking.

Guess who does all the cooking now?  Let me answer that with this.  On our wedding, my dad passed on to me one of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve used in my marriage.  He said, “Son, if you want to make a better marriage, you have to make a better you.” It was about an attitude adjustment.  If I focused on making a better wife of Meygan, I would miss out on all the growth I needed in my own life.  I needed to see her strengths and NOT her flaws.  I needed to see what I was contributing, NOT becoming an emotional accountant.  I needed to find ways that I could serve my wife, NOT find ways my wife could serve me.

We are all born with a set of glasses that help us see the world around us.  Based on our personal experience, family of origin, values, and needs, we pick up these preferences.  Those that are different receive our judgement and criticism and often the worst of us comes out.  It’s time to get a different perspective.

It was an aha moment for me.  About 18 months back, doctor after doctor would evaluate our son, looking for what was wrong with him.  They called it Autism.  They put a label on him and prescribed a therapy schedule to manage it.  What was so hard for me is that I would look at my son and I only saw what was right about him.  He’s full of happiness and innocence.  He loves to laugh and get chased by daddy.  He has these piercing blue eyes and an incredible amount of strength.  He is my son and I choose not to focus on the symptoms, but rather what I loved about him.

An interesting statistic from the Gottman Institute, “69% of all conflict in a relationship is unresolvable, due to lasting personality differences.”  Based off their extensive research, it’s not about resolving conflict, but rather managing those differences.

Meygan and I are two very different people, who are madly in love.  Maybe that’s the paradox of intimacy.  We love this person, would take a bullet for them, but God forbid that they would leave their clothes on the floor one more time.  We’ve changed each other over the years, but our change has come from a place of serving each other, serving something larger than ourselves- our family, a solid legacy, Marriage365, and you.

Want to change your spouse… it’s time to change your perspective.

Oh, and by the way, it’s my apron that gets washed more than Meygan’s.

** Casey and Meygan Caston are the founders of Marriage 365

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The Holy House We Live in as Sexual Beings

by Shannon Ethridge, M.A. Author, Speaker, Life/Relationship Coach

I’d like you to consider for a moment how I believe God really feels about the topic of our bodies and sexuality, so join me for a little visualization exercise. Let’s pretend that an incredibly wealthy king gives each of his grown children their own house to live in. Not just any house, but each dwelling has been custom tailored to each child’s personality and tastes. He has a beautiful English cottage built for his daughter, landscaped with trumpet vines, lavender bushes, and all sorts of other flowering plants and trees, and a cobblestone path meanders through an orchard of succulent fruit trees. For his son, he has a grand log cabin built on the side of a mountain with a large deck overlooking a pristine fishing pond. Both son and daughter are set to enjoy a lifetime in these luxurious surroundings.

But one day the king is strolling through the city streets, and stumbles unexpectedly upon his son and daughter dressed in rags and crouching inside a cardboard box.  Bewildered, the king inquires, “What are you doing here in the streets like homeless people?  Why aren’t you enjoying the houses I had built for you?”

The son and daughter reply, “Well, those houses are indeed amazing, but we were afraid that if we enjoyed them too much that you might, uh, judge us.”

Can you imagine the king’s shock? His dismay? His utter disbelief? Why in the world would these adult children presume that their father would judge them for enjoying something that he fully intended for their pleasure? Why would they choose to limit their existence to a cardboard box when so many delights are awaiting them in their own extravagant homes?

Do you make the connection between this scenario and the sexual bodies God has given us to live in? He’s gone to such great lengths, designing us such that we can experience incredible physical pleasures throughout life! Why would we choose not to enjoy them?

So perhaps instead of fearing God’s judgment if we enjoy these sexual bodies too much, we should fear His disappointment if we don’t.

 

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5 Things God Wants You To Do Today

by Dave Willis 

As a pastor, one of the questions I hear most often is, “What is God’s will for my life?”

When we ask that question, what we usually want to know is the “Master Plan” of what our careers, relationships, finances and major life decisions should be. God certainly cares about those details of your life and mine. In fact, He cares about the details of your life even more than YOU do! His will for your life includes those “big” decisions, but He’s also concerned with what you’re doing every day. As we follow His plan in our daily choices, those bigger decisions seem to come into a clearer focus.

So, for starters, let’s commit do doing what we know God wants us to do TODAY and everyday. Your daily to-do list (and mine) includes . . .

1. Be thankful. It’s nearly impossible to be thankful and stressed at the same time. The Bible has so much to say about choosing an attitude of gratitude even in life’s toughest circumstances. We ALWAYS have reasons to be thankful, so instead of just telling God all that you need, start by thanking Him for all He’s already done.

“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus” ( 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

2. Do something to help somebody else. We live in a selfish world and we all wrestle against our own selfish human nature, but God calls us to serve others as a way to help others and also break the grip of selfishness in our own lives. God’s will becomes clearer when we’re serving like Jesus did. “Greatness” in God’s eyes isn’t about how many people serve you; it’s about how you’re serving other people.

“But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:25-29).

3. Do the right thing; not the easy thing. Each day, you’ll be presented with opportunities that tempt you to compromise your character, but don’t do it. Make EVERY decision based on what’s right; not on what’s easy. When you strive to honor God brings big blessings when we honor Him even in small choices. God is working through your struggles to develop strength within you.

“No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8).

4. Stop worrying.
When we worry, we create the illusion that our problems are bigger than our God. When we choose to trust God, even in the midst of challenging circumstances, God’s peace rushes in and chases away the worry and anxiety.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

5. Be yourself. You don’t need to get caught in the “comparison trap.” You can learn from other people, but you don’t need to compare your life to anyone else’s. Be the unique masterpiece God created you to be and allow His love and grace to transform you into the best version of yourself.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10).

 

Dave Willis is the founder of the Facebook Marriage Page, http://ift.tt/1n16dFL.

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How Your Church Can Still Make Valentine’s Day Great for Married Couples

by Ted Lowe

I think the phenomenon of Valentine’s Day is fascinating. For Valentine’s Day 2015, in this country, we spent $18.9 million on jewelry, an evening out, flowers, clothing, candy, gift cards/certificates and greeting cards. The great news is that married people still feel the positive pressure to celebrate their relationship on Valentine’s Day. That is why I’m all for it. That is why I jump up and down with church leaders shouting, “This year if you are doing anything for married couples at your church, jump start it on or right before Valentine’s Day.”

The problem with Valentine’s Day for couples and for churches is finding an answer to the question:
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you want to do?

Couples want to do something for Valentine’s Day, but many aren’t sure what that is, so they buy something or go out for dinner. Which can be great . . . for some. But many couples feel so disconnected the rest of year, Valentine’s Day can be just an expensive lesson in frustration.

As the church, it is a great idea to leverage Valentine’s Day to empower marriages. But you may find yourselves asking, how, with such limit time, resources and staff.

But you really can make some great things happen for Valentine’s Day. Just grab a volunteer couple and empower them with some great ideas. Here are a couple of suggestions:

• Provide childcare and provide a step-by-step date. Some MarriedPeople churches print off a MarriedPeople date PDF, put it in a gift bag with candies, coupons to local businesses, candles, etc. Then have couples pick up the bags at church when they drop off their kids at childcare.
• The greatest way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is to stretch it out. You can do this by doing the suggestion above 2-3 more times during the year.
• You can also send married people the MarriedPeople E-ZINE, a monthly emailed magazine filled with a lot of great, fun ways for couples to connect. Or create your own version.
• If you still have time, create a one-night event for married couples. These nights help couples to connect with each other and other couples all while they laugh, celebrate and hear one piece of wisdom to make their marriage great… all year long. If you can’t pull off an event in time for Valentine’s Day, plan it for later in the year.

Couples want to do something for Valentine’s Day, and they are obviously willing to spend time and money to celebrate it. So this year, help them do something better for Valentine’s Day by not only helping them celebrate it, but by giving them tools for their relationship all year long.

 

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

 

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The Simplest Way to Teach Your Kids Self Control

The virtue of the month at Parent Cue is “Self Control.” When I found that out I tried to skip this month. I asked Reggie if I could sit this one out because I’m so terrible at that particular virtue. He beat me in a game of basketball though, did not see that dunk coming, so here I am.

At Orange we define self control as “Choosing to do what you should do, not what you want to do.” Today, I’m going to teach you a really simple way to teach your kids about self control.

Are you ready? Here are the steps.

1. Tell your kids that it’s dangerous to use your phone in the car.
2. Don’t use your phone in the car.
3. Repeat as necessary.

Was that too quick? Let’s jump into a little more detail.

Eventually, your kids are going to drive, and when they do, you are going to give them an impassioned lecture about phone safety. But, if for the previous 16 years they’ve watched you use your phone in the car, they’re going to completely ignore you.

If your actions scream one thing and your words another, kids don’t listen.

So, one of the best ways to teach self control is to have self control.

If you’re already a perfect parent who locks their phone in the trunk of the car and never, never, never, never sends a text while driving, that’s great. Maybe instead you should practice not bringing your phone to the dinner table or not being on it when you’re helping your kids with homework. I promise there’s at least one area of your life where you need more self control with the phone.

The best way to teach a lesson is often to live a lesson first.

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“The best way to teach a lesson is often to live a lesson first.” – @jonacuff
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Try it with your phone in 2016.

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Listening for Life (Part Two)

Throughout 2016 we can experience growth if we elevate the covenant promises of God above the circumstances of life. Is 55:3 says "Incline your ear and come to Me. Hear and your soul will live and I will make an everlasting covenant with you - the sure mercies of David." David wrote "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." (Ps.23:6) David trusted in the mercy of God more than he trusted in his own circumstances. His soul was strengthened because he knew the character of God.


The covenant of God tell us a lot about the character of God. In fact the promises of God reflect His character.David knew that God was merciful as seen in Psalm 51:1-2. He also saw himself in the light of God's character. David didn't exploit the mercy of God. In fact he took responsibility for what he had done wrong. When we know the God of mercy we can afford to be completely transparent with God, with ourselves and with other people. This is real freedom. This is what will feed your soul and will cause you to prosper from the inside out.


The covenants of God also affirm our real belonging. The New Living Translation says "I will give you the unfailing love I promised to David." At the heart of His covenant promises, is the God whose love is unfailing. He says "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Heb.13:5) David's promise from God was that God would never stop loving on him. The greatest affirmation that you can ever hear is the promise that God treats you as His son/daughter and that He affirms your being. During 2016 listen for His voice that affirms your being even above your doing. Perhaps the priority for 2016 is not what you ought be doing but is to know that your being is established in Him. By the way when we know our 'being', our 'doing' is more effective. When we know our being our soul will become prosperous.


The covenants of God also undergird your purpose for 2016. Jesus promised that we would receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon us and "you shall be witnesses to Me..." Everything that He promises He also empowers and enables. He will take the very ordinary (you and I) and will open doors that no man can close. His Spirit will shape you and I this year to become the "best fit" for His promises. Again, however, the dynamic of transformation is not about what we must do but is about who we are in Him.


"I will make an everlasting covenant with you. I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David." (Is 55:3 NLT)
















This blog by Ross Smith of The Vine church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia, is based on a message given on 10th Jan 2016. The full message called "Listening For Life - Part Two"can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

Four IKEA Hacks for Your Marriage

by Crystal Chiang

The audience was on their feet. There was celebration. Trumpets. Confetti. The crowd went wild.

Okay, none of that happened. But that’s how it felt the first time my husband and I stepped out of an IKEA store and realized that we had made it through without arguing.

I don’t know what it is about furniture stores, and particularly IKEA, that brings out the worst in couples. Maybe it’s the way our personal style makes everything . . . personal . Maybe it’s the fact that it’s rare for both people to want to be there in the first place. Or maybe it’s just that everything in the store costs money.

Whatever the reason, the struggle is real. Real enough that science has confirmed 17% of couples fight every single time they walk in the doors*.

That’s why, while we can’t promise a perfect IKEA experience, we do want to share a few tricks that have worked for us and helped us keep peace in the store and still speak to each other on the way home.

1. Don’t talk about your family—seriously. Family is great. And talking about how you were raised, is important. Just not at IKEA. Standing in front of a box with only cartoon pictures and instructions in Swedish isn’t the time to bring up “My dad could build anything.” Staring at 144 fabric choices isn’t the time to mention how much you love your mom’s decorating taste. And if it isn’t the best time to bring up your family . . . it probably isn’t the best time to bring up flaws you see in your in-laws either. This is about you and your spouse. If you can get through this together, you can figure out the family stuff later.
2. Say what you mean. You rarely see a couple have an all-out screaming match about couch designs. (I mean, I have . . . but it’s rare). But, what you do see is tense conversations that begin when someone was misunderstood. It can feel awkward to say “I don’t think we have the money for this” or “I don’t want to put this together.” But when both partners clearly communicate, it’s easier to let go of confusion and solve the problem together.
3. Know whose house you’re shopping for. If you’re married, then you live in your house (and the your is plural). So the décor won’t exclusively match the style she developed in a single-girl apartment or the items he collected in the bachelor pad. When you blend two colors together (around here, we say red and yellow make orange) then you almost always get a completely different third color. Your married house is like that—blended. And it’s helpful to remember that the third style is the one you’re shopping for.
4. Eat something. There has to be a reason they put food by both the entrance and the exit at IKEA. Don’t get hijacked by hangry. If you’re frustrated, go have a cinnamon roll. They’re delicious . . . and they’re a good excuse to keep your mouth shut.

 

Crystal currently leads the XP3 High School initiative at Orange. Before that, she spent 10 years as a high school teacher and student ministry leader, doing everything from leading small groups to speaking to curriculum design. Crystal and her husband, Tom, live in Alpharetta, GA with an ill-tempered chihuahua named Javier.

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If Not You, Then Who? [Podcast]

Frank Bealer (family pastor at Elevation Church in Charlotte, NC), Reggie Joiner, and Kristen Ivy talk about the critical role of every parent to do what no one else can do in the life of their kids. Even when it feels feel like a hopeless cause, every baby, kid, and teenager needs you more than you think. Just remember, it will look different at every phase, in every family, and with every child.

Listen to Parent Cue Live

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To listen to this episode, click the player below. If you’re reading this via email or RSS, please click here.

Highlights

In this episode, Frank, Kristen, and Reggie discussed:

• your unique role as a parent and your ability to do what no one else can do
• your kids really do need you more than you think
• kids communicate (and don’t communicate) their need for their parents changes at every phase
• parents have something no one else has with their child – history

Quotes

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As much as our children need us, we are not sufficiently everything they need.
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On the days you feel like you can’t do or be enough, know you are God’s first plan for your child.
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Parents have something no one else has with their kid – history
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Episode Links

• Frank on Twitter: @fbealer
• Reggie on Twitter: @ReggieJoiner
• Kristen on Twitter: @Kristen_Ivy
• Elevation Church
• The Phase Project

Parent Cue

• Twitter: @theparentcue
• Instagram: @parentcue
• Facebook: fb.com/parentcue
• Pinterest: Parent Cue

Did you find this helpful? Help us spread the word!

Hopefully this episode has helped you find a few practical ways to “do family better.” If you appreciated it, we would love if you would rate the podcast in iTunes and leave us a review!.Your rating and review helps gets the podcast in front of new parents and listeners. You can also click the buttons below to share this episode on your own social media channels. Thank you for listening!

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A Year of New Days

We spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up. We rode four-wheelers through the woods, cooked biscuits from scratch, and watched the same movies over and over again.

One of those movies featured a favorite character of mine, Anne (with an ‘e’) Shirley.  There’s a quote by Anne that has always stuck with me:

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”

I’m going to level with you – 2015 was not my best showing. I fell short…a lot.

I lacked consistent quiet times,
I was lazy in many of my relationships,
I managed my time poorly (Instagram, texting, worrying),
I overspent,
My work ethic wasn’t my best effort…

Now that I am listing these out, I am straight up embarrassed with how I chose to live my life last year. Truth be told, I spent the vast majority of 2015 feeling like a failure.

But it’s not 2015 anymore. It’s 2016. I (we) have an entire year of new days that have no mistakes in them–yet.

I want to let 2015 go. Actually, I want to set 2015 on fire and send the ashes into outer space. But seriously, if 2016 is going to be different, if it’s going to be better, we have to give ourselves a second (or third, tenth, fiftieth, whatever) chance. 2016 is a clean slate. It’s a blank page. It’s year of new days.

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2016 is a clean slate. It’s a blank page. It’s year of new days.
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My husband’s mom, Rachel, has a tradition for the beginning of each New Year. First, Rachel has a simple notebook. The only thing she uses the notebook for is this tradition. In it, she writes down the following categories for everyone participating:

Looking Back:

• 1 thing I learned in 2015
• 1 thing I did well in 2015
• 1 thing I struggled with in 2015 (I would need at least 4 pages on this one)

Looking Forward:

• 1 spiritual goal for 2016
• 1 relationship goal for 2016
• 1 professional/personal goal for 2016

Each year, my husband and I sit down with my in-laws and share our responses for each category. It’s amazing to look at Rachel’s notebook and see how far we’ve all come–even if it doesn’t necessarily feel like it in the moment.  

Now, you can definitely do this on your own. But there’s something so powerful about sharing our failures and hopes out loud that I’m not sure I would want to.

After giving our responses, we all light a candle in front of us. We then each spend a few minutes praying for the person to our left–aloud, I know, terrifying. When the person praying for us is finished, we each blow out our candle, and with it, the previous year’s trials and failures.

What will you do with your entire year of new days?
There are no mistakes.
Yet.

Do you have any New Year traditions like Rachel’s? I’d love to hear them. Leave a comment down below!

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Listen For Life

New Year resolutions or promises more often than not fail. They fail because we are very conscious of old patterns of human effort that limit and ensnare us. We hear the echoes of past failures and  what we hear gets our attention. Isaiah 55:3 says "Incline your ear and come to Me. Hear and your soul will live and I will make an everlasting covenant with you - the sure mercies of David." The covenant promise from God is that if we listen to Him, we will live.


God communicates with the content of a covenant. That is, He makes promises that are not affected by circumstances or even human failings. A covenant is not a contract. A covenant is initiated and performed by God. A contract depends upon agreement between different parties. When He spoke a covenant promise to David, it was not dependant upon David or his descendants to perform to make it happen. In fact David's earthly kingdom decayed within decades. Yet Isaiah prophesied that "He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom establishing it...from that time on and forever." (Is. 9:7) The covenant promises are dependant upon God's Son - His performance alone. The believer is simply asked to believe and receive the covenant promises by faith. When Abraham believed the promise that he would have children and descendants (against all of the odds), it was credited to him as righteousness. "By faith, Noah when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear, he built an ark to save his family". (Heb. 11:6) Interestingly the heroes of faith listed in Hebrews 11 were commended for their faith in covenant promises irrespective of their human failings.


When we can attune our ear to the covenant promises of God, we will never be disappointed, frustrated or disillusioned. We will find life. Our souls will thrive. When we feast on His finished work as represented by communion, we will receive His life. We will hear His voice. The Holy Spirit will never whisper condemnation or shame. He will never put you down. He will only ever lift you up. During 2016, listen to His voice. His voice builds. The second voice is the voice of doubt. It is the voice that says, "did God really say that...?" The Holy Spirit will always have you behold the glory of the Lord. His mirror reveals His glory. Covenant promises are never broken promises. Broken mirrors distort who we are but His mirror only reveals His fullness and His life.


Covenant promises are received by faith in His finished work. When we hear and receive His promises will find that our soul prospers. A prosperous soul is a soul that trusts in the promises of God. a prosperous soul will "magnify the Lord" (Luke 1:46) A prosperous soul will be settled and content.


"Beloved I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health just as your soul prospers" (3 John 2).














This blog is based on a message by Ross Smith called "Listen For Life" at The Vine Church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 3rd January 2016. The full message can be accessed by pod cast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

5 New Years Resolutions Every Parent Can Keep

If you’re like many parents, you’re busy making resolutions this week. I think that’s a great idea.

But have you any made any resolutions related to your family?

I’m a big fan of goals.

Michael Hyatt outlines a number of compelling reasons you should actually write down your resolutions. The most persuasive for me is that you are 42% more likely to reach your goals if you write them down.

I was reminded of that this past week. When cleaning out a my office, I came across a list of written goals from 4 years ago.  There were over a dozen. I was both surprised and grateful to see I achieved 80% of them, and am on track to complete them all within the next two years (some were BIG goals).

Interestingly enough, one of my goals marriage related: to try to develop a few new shared interests with my wife now that our kids were getting older. That year, we bought snow shoes and started snow shoeing together. I don’t like snow shoeing, but I like her and we have lots of great memories.

A year later she bought a road bike and now we ride together. She kind of likes it, and I love cycling.

I’m so glad we wrote that goal down.

You will have some resolutions that are specific and personal to you—which is great.

But there are some goals that every parent could benefit from accomplishing.

In fact, here are 5 goals that not only every parent can make, but that, with even a tiny bit of effort, every parent can keep.

You don’t have to make all 5, but my guess is if you pick even 2, you’ll have a much better year.

1 – Start each day with God

I think one of the reasons parents end up skipping time with God is we make it into a big seminary-type thing where we have to have 30 undistracted minutes and 6 versions of the Bible handy to make it pay.

Wrong.

Some mornings starting with God might mean praying “Today, God, I’m going to need some strength” as you jump out of bed to see if your emerging toddler has once again escaped his crib.

See what you did there?

You started the day with God.

Even if it wasn’t a full on You Version bible study.

Most days, you’ll even be able to catch 5 minutes, if you try.

2 – Date your spouse

If you’re married, it’s so important to prioritize your marriage even over your parenting.

A healthy marriage produces a healthier home.

Dating your spouse can of course be a full on night out, but the sitters aren’t always free and you don’t always have the funds for a crazy night out.

Guess what we’ve done over the years? Put the kids to bed and then sat down for our dinner after…with real grown up conversation and candles and all that. It cost zero extra dollars (except for the candles maybe), and it beat watching TV.

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A healthy marriage produces a healthier home.
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3 – Make the conversation more than transactional

A surprising amount of household conversation is what I call ‘transactional’, as in
“Did you make your bed?”
“When are you home from school?”
“Hey, don’t paint your brother’s hair green again!”
“Is your homework done?”
“Didn’t you already watch your hour of TV?”

Each day, try to get past the who/what/where/when of family life and have a real conversation. Even if all you get is grunts from your teenager, he’ll know you tried.

4 – Eat more meals together

Whenever I try to get together with Dave, one of my good friends, and I ask him about when’s a good time, he always says “I eat three times a day. Pick one.”

Dave’s so right.

We all eat three time a day, but many families have drifted away from eating together.

Reclaim some meal times together. You’ll not only enjoy your meals more, you’ll enjoy each other.

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Reclaim some meal times together. You’ll not only enjoy your meals more, you’ll enjoy each other.
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5 – Get some sleep

So this might not work if you have three kids under three, but try to get more sleep. Even thirty minutes more each night. Or an hour.

The real reason we don’t sleep enough is not our kids—it’s us.

And personally, I know nothing good happens when I’m tired. I get cranky. I make mistakes. I drag myself through the day. I get irritated more easily. All recipes for domestic disaster.

Go to be those few minutes early whenever you can.
When you wake up rested, you won’t just feel better–your kids and spouse will thank you.
You’re at your most kind when you’re the most rested.

What resolution might you add to this list? We’d love to hear. Scroll down and leave a comment!

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