The Stories of Childhood

“I can’t live like this anymore!” - said my two year old from her crib.

It was one of those moments when my eyes got wide and my mouth literally fell open like a cartoon. My mind raced back through the past three minutes. What had I done to make my toddler suddenly feel the emotions of a thirteen-year-old ready to run away from home? Then it clicked. She was smiling and looking at me like this was a game. She was pretending. . . and that was a line from Frozen.

Just how she remembered exact lines from a movie she had seen only once, maybe twice, at the time is beyond me. Today she is three and reenacts full scenes from her favorite movie with everything from plastic alligators to stuffed bears taking on the role of Elsa and frequently unclothed dolls playing the roll of Anna. Don’t get me wrong, she has a wild imagination and frequently creates her own stories as well, but from time to time she rehearses this familiar story.

Stories capture the imagination of even the youngest children. 
Some stories we make-up when we play together,
Some stories we read together,
Some stories we watch when we sit down together.

When my oldest son was around two, or sometime before his third birthday, we started a family tradition of Friday night movie night. As they get older we may change this tradition up, but for now it’s something we all look forward to. Dinner is simple. It’s easy. And honestly, the story we watch together becomes part of our conversations throughout the week.

“Mama, is Sara a bad dinosaur?” – Land Before Time
“Remember when Fred says . . .” – Big Hero Six
“When can we live in a tree house?” – Swiss Family Robinson

After our first year of movie nights, when we had watched Toy Story 1 roughly 50 times I decided we needed a selection system other than “what should we watch tonight?” So I made a list of all the movies we might watch with our toddlers, wrote the movies on slips of paper, and put them in a bowl. Honestly, the first week we implemented the bowl system my son drew Toy Story 1 from a pile of about 30 options – Murphy’s Law. Now, each week we rotate who draws from the bowl and there’s an added element of variety. This also allows me to be intentional about adding new movies to the bowl as the kids get older so there’s a balance of new stories and stories revisited.

Whether you are a Friday night movie night kind of family, or maybe just looking for some ideas on how to wind down after a day of sunshine and hard outdoor summer play, I thought I would share our movie lists.

PRESCHOOL

I chose the movies on our preschool list because they aren’t too intense or too scary. Even kid-movies with positive messages can sometimes be a little much for many preschoolers.

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ELEMENTARY

The movies in these lists have more intensity than the preschool movies and also tackle some more advanced themes. Some of them can really be great conversation starters.

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 HELLO

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Oh, and a few disclaimers, just in case you take lists a little more seriously than I do.

These lists are not . . .
an endorsement of every word spoken
support for every choice made
or an intentional stance against movies not mentioned

These lists are not . . .
a judgment on you if you have introduced some of these movies sooner
a manipulative agenda to corrupt the minds of children by introducing corrosive and offensive behavior before kids are ready.

I would recommend doing a couple minutes of research on a movie before showing it to your kids – that way you know what to expect and you can determine whether you feel like it will be a good fit for your child. Two of my favorite sites for parent movie reviews are “Kid’s in Mind” or “Common Sense Media“.

What are your favorite family movies? What age did you watch them with your kids? What would you add to this list?

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Kristen Ivy is the Executive Director of Messaging at Orange and co-author of Playing For Keeps, Creating a Lead Small Culture, and It’s Just a Phase. She combines her degree in secondary education with a Master of Divinity and lives out the full Orange spectrum as the wife of XP3 Students Orange Specialist, Matt Ivy, and the mother of two children, Sawyer and Hensley. Find Kristen on Twitter, @Kristen_Ivy, and follow her blog at www.justaphase.com.

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Sticks and Stones

I want you to hear from Sandra Stanley. She models what it means to be an incredible wife and Mom in VERY practical ways. You can check out more of her insights at http://ift.tt/1dzYfoH.  —Ted Lowe

 

Recently, Andy and I were having a conversation with a friend who is emerging from a difficult chapter in his marriage. Jay and Ellen (not their real names) have been married just under fifteen years. They have four amazing kids, a beautiful home, good jobs, and tons of friends.

While nothing was dramatically wrong in their relationship, they realized what had begun as humor and innocuous teasing had slowly become a bad habit. The bad habit grew into something more significant, eroding the once-healthy respect and affection that had characterized their early marriage years.

Thankfully, Jay and Ellen both realized it. They reached out for help from an older, been-around-the-block, wise couple. GREAT first move. After about a year of intentionally making some needed changes and establishing new habits, much healing has taken place.

A few thoughts to consider…

• It’s the little things that add up and become really big things. A marriage isn’t rocked to its core by affairs and addictions only.
• Even for couples with great senses of humor, making the person you love the brunt of the joke cuts more deeply than you think.
• Dishonoring your spouse, even in the smallest ways, quickly becomes a pattern and snowballs.
• Little cutting comments lodge in the heart and eventually drain affection.
• Little life-giving comments also lodge in the heart and enrich affection.
• The way you talk to your spouse is most likely the way your sons and daughters will talk to theirs.
• The way you talk to your spouse is most likely the way your sons and daughters will allow themselves to BE talked to by theirs.

So, how are you doing with your words? Are there some habits that have slowly developed and are beginning to erode your most important relationships? Please don’t turn a blind eye to it just because it seems small right now. Don’t let a bad habit continue because it brings laughs from people who ultimately don’t matter as much to you. Sticks and stones break our bones, AND words hurt.

 

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Raising Honest Kids

I’ve had many memorable parenting moments at Target, but this one trumps them all. My neck is getting red and splotchy just thinking of this day. This is the story our kids know and remember well—because it’s the day the virtue of Honesty came to life.

My girls were six and four. My oldest was in Kindergarten and she had two passions that day. First, she desperately wanted a new pack of Play-Doh. And, she had also been begging for new colorful tennis shoes for school for weeks. However, the rules at the school stated that colorful tennis shoes are not allowed. Only black, green, navy or white were approved at this time.

We had gathered everything from toilet paper to the Play-Doh, and were making one final sweep of the store. As we passed the shoe section, Ella gazed at the colorful shoes and said, “Mom, you know that Mrs. Dodgion said we are allowed to have colorful shoes now. I can get any of these.”

I knew in one flat second from her face that she was lying. And I was boiling.

I stopped the gigantic double-seater red cart. I got her attention with this statement: “Ella, we can totally come back another day and get those. I am just going to email Mrs. Dodgion tonight and be sure that is the new policy at the school.”

And by the size of her eyeballs and squirming in her pants, the big lie was confirmed.

There are a lot of things our kids will do wrong, but lying is at the top of the list of offenses in our home. I wanted my reaction to send a message to her. So, I got down on her level and said, “Ella, I know you have just lied about the shoes, and I’m so sad about this. Being honest is very important in our family. We always have to tell the truth to teach other. I am going to leave the Play-Doh right here as a reminder of this day. This is your consequence for choosing to be dishonest (I KNEW how badly she wanted the Play-Doh and it was going to leave a mark).”

As I suspected, this was going to upset the child. But I had no idea.

She was fuming and said through gritted teeth, “I am about to embarrass ME and YOU!” And then began to scream and cry like something I had hardly experienced with this kid. It took everything I had not to run to the car. I slowly walked to the checkout as she lost her mind. I got her sister some Play-Doh (which caused louder screaming from Ella) and whatever random stuff I tossed in for me.

Everyone in the store was staring at us and the checkout lady was glaring at me like I had just abused Ella in some way.

However, I knew that we needed a message about the importance of Honesty. It wasn’t just a virtue that’s nice or icing on the cake. Telling the truth is critical for trust in our relationship. It’s a virtue our kids will need from elementary years to college to the career world. Honest kids become trusted adults and loyal friends. They become men and women of solid character.

We don’t always go with this Play-Doh tactic, there are plenty of ways that you can instill a culture of Honesty in your home. Here are some other ways we do that in our home:

• Praise it. When we see them fess up to a mistake or a spill, we praise it like crazy.
• Open communication. We ask a lot of questions and hope to make it a safe place for them to share honest answers.
• Don’t freak out. I learned this from Sandra Stanley, but we try hard not to overreact when they share stories so they won’t feel the need to lie.
• Embrace mistakes. We place a higher value on honesty than perfection. We encourage messing up and model it frequently.
• Give Them a Minute. It’s hard to tell the truth on the spot. Give them time in their room to think on it and write a note or come back down.

You will never regret placing a high priority on Honesty. Spend time focusing on it with your family. It will set the foundation and create a safe place for truthful and open communication for years to come.

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Courtney DeFeo is a popular blogger, the creator of ABC Scripture Cards, which are sold nationwide, and the author of “In This House We Will Giggle”. A graduate of Auburn University, she has a background in marketing and public relations and has worked for Ketchum Public Relations and Chick-fil-A. Courtney and her husband, Ron, currently live in Orlando, FL and are the parents of two young girls, Ella and Larson. You can read more from Courtney on her blog, Lil Light O’ Mine or connect with her on Twitter, @lillightomine.

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Getting Physical in Your Marriage

Okay, so I tricked you a little with the title. This isn’t a post about sex. But be patient, that post is coming soon. This post is about how our physical state impacts our marriage.

When it comes to marriage, people like me encourage people to be selfless. Why? Because selflessness is good, right? Yes and no. I see so many people give and give and give to their spouse and kids. They work hard to provide. They taxi kids around everywhere, every day. They take care of the home and everything in it. They get up early and go to bed late. They are selfless. But some of the people we consider to be the most selfless are actually . . . hold on . . . I don’t like this word either, but . . . selfish. Yes, they work hard and take care of everybody but themselves; that’s the selfish part.

When we leave no time for ourselves—specifically when we don’t eat right, exercise, or get enough sleep—we may look like heroes in the short term, but long term we’re being selfish. When we don’t take care of ourselves, we are potentially robbing those we love of years with us on this earth. But just as tragic, we are robbing them of the best version of ourselves in the present.

Now, here’s the real heavy hand, we are also robbing God of the best version of ourselves. He says He wants us to love Him with our heart, soul, BODY, and mind. Somehow as Christians, we have been made to think it’s okay to skip the BODY part. No, we can’t control everything about our health. Even with our best efforts, we can get sick. My aunt, who exercised her whole life died at 49 from an infection she got in the hospital. One day, we all will die. But we can control our eating, exercise and sleep.

While I’m not perfect in this area, I do pretty darn well. But that wasn’t always the case. I didn’t start taking care of myself until my last year of college. I needed an A in a class so I took a 1:00 p.m. aerobics class. The class met in the gym and was led by a 55-year-old man. He made Richard Simmons look lethargic. He immediately kicked my butt. Despite the fact I was clumsy and felt like a goof ball doing aerobics in a class attended mostly by girls, it wasn’t long before I felt better than I had ever felt in my life. I didn’t realize how bad I felt until I felt good.

While I haven’t been perfect, I’ve exercised consistently ever since. I graduated college in 1992, so you do the math. I’m not trying to say “Look at me.” In fact, I’m up about four pounds from my holiday eating. I’m also not trying to take you on a guilt trip. It’s just that I’m up for anything that helps your marriage, and there is perhaps nothing more important to your marriage than giving your spouse a healthy you. So, are you up for a challenge? If so, I want to challenge you to a 30-day challenge:

1)   Get 30 minutes of exercise 3 times a week.

2)   Change one meal of the day.

3)   Get 7-8 hours of sleep a night.

At the end of 30 days, I bet you will find both your mood and your energy level better and more consistent.

So are you with me? If so, comment below with, “Ted, I’m with you!”

 

 

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It's hard enough fixing me!

We all face pressures, be they of our own making or the result of events beyond our control, that show up our inability to overcome on our own. Often the way that we perceive life events will either help us or hinder us as we experience pressure points in life.


Galatians 6:5 says that "...each one shall bear his own load"( like an in sown knapsack). The word 'load' refers to the responsibility that we each have with regard to the values and beliefs that we each carry inside of us, by which we filter and process life events. For example, if I believe that God is not responsible for the choices that I make in life, I will not blame Him when things go wrong. The converse is also true. My reactions are my responsibility. I cannot, for example blame someone else for 'making me angry'.  Knowing what I am responsible for will help me draw boundaries in life. Healthy boundaries will also help me help others. Galatians 6:2 says "bear one another's burdens". These are the burdens (boulders that we cannot carry on our own) that need support from others.


The pressures of life events and troubled relationships can be a stimulus to checking out what is inside my knapsack. God has designed us to carry His 'joy, peace and righteousness'. We don't carry negativity or sadness well. These things eat at us from the inside out. But when we partake of His peace and joy, we are able to live and not just survive. When we know that God first loved us we are empowered to love others and ourselves. When we know that God has totally forgiven us and that He doesn't hold anything against us and that He chooses to remember no more what we did wrong, we will carry values in my knap sack that will help us grow through life situations.


Jesus invites us to be joined to Him so that He can carry us. Matthew 11:28-30 invites us to exchange yokes. The yoke of sin, guilt and shame which produces unbearable heaviness of heart can be exchanged for His yoke which is gentle and easy to wear. His grace will carry you whenever you are yoked to Him. Grief can be exchanged for joy. "Weeping may remain for a night but joy comes in the morning" (Ps 30:5). His Presence, "His anointing will bring comfort to all who mourn... give the oil of joy for mourning..." (Is.61:3,7)


The truth is you and I are not able to free ourselves. It's too hard trying to fix ourselves let alone helping others, unless His Presence does the work in us. When He does the work however, we will be empowered to live and to rejoice. His joy will empower you. "The joy of the lord is your strength (empowerment)" (Neh.8:10)


Our bodies and persons respond well to joy. The Presence of the Lord ushers in joy and fullness of life. Whenever we receive the Lord we are also receiving His joy. Whenever we receive His joy we will receive His empowerment. Then we are able to do life well with ourselves let alone with others.












This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine Church on 24th May 2015 entitled "It's hard enough fixing me...". The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

Home on The Range

My mom was mischievous. One of her go-to ways to pick at my brother and me was to start singing. Off-key. Loudly. This especially annoyed me because I loved to sing. Her warbling was violating something sacred to me—but it was always kind of funny too.

She always sang the same song, “Home on the Range.” Every note was broken and as far from one another on a musical scale as you could possibly get. She really liked to play up her inability to sing by making it sound as bad as possible and LOUD. It’s probably why the song is firmly planted in my head, even if most people have long since forgotten it.

And there’s one line in that song that I can’t seem to shake, and it has nothing to do with deer and antelope playing.
It’s “where seldom is heard, a discouraging word.”

While my mom’s singing was the vocal equivalent of nails on a chalkboard, there’s something about this home on the range that sure sounds appealing—especially as the parent of three teenagers.

I don’t get hugs as often any more.
I don’t get an “I love you, dad” every day, unless I just purchased a new pair of shoes.
I don’t get handwritten notes or drawings.

Instead I get hormones.
And eye rolls at my jokes.
I get embarrassed faces.
I get teens who seem more excited about the latest text from their friends than their conversations with me.
In other words, in the world of raising teens, this home on the range is where “seldom is heard an encouraging word.”

Now granted, I’m wired for encouragement. I love it. I need it.
Some people can get by with less, I need it about medium level—not so much that I don’t believe it when you say it because it’s too common, but every once in a while so that I’m energized by knowing what I’m doing well.

I’m talking about the kinds of words when spoken make you feel like someone has “seen” who you really are and recognized the heart of what you are trying to do.

I’m talking about the kind of words that recognize the things you do when no one is looking just because you know that’s what you’re supposed to do.

I’m talking about the kinds of words that make you feel like you are capable of hitting the mark, instead of always coming up short.

Sometimes, we, as parents, especially parents of teens, just need those encouraging words to realize that who we are, what we’re doing is good, on track, right?—instead of always feeling like we’re disappointing or falling short of expectations. We need truth. We need encouragement.

I know ultimately God defines who we are, but this verse also rings true: “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11 NIV).

Those life-giving words come directly from God to encourage our hearts, delivered by a faithful and thoughtful messenger.

But you’re not likely to get the encouragement you need from your kids…so make it a priority to widen the circle and connect with other parents—parents with kids who are older, parents with kids who are younger, parents who have been through it before, and parents who need to know how you got through it. Encourage one another. Build each other up. We need it, don’t we?

Parents of kids in every phase of life need a place where seldom is heard a discouraging word.

Let’s not make encouragement something that is elusive, but part of our culture. 

Who will you encourage this week?

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Tim Walker works at Orange and is a husband, father of three boys, editor, writer—well, you get the idea. More of Tim’s words can be found at www.timswords.com.

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36 Things I Know After 36 Years of Marriage

by Winifred M. Reilly

Recently, my husband and I will celebrate our 36th anniversary.

Some years we’ve gotten dressed-up and gone out to dinner. Other years we’ve simply marked the day with a kiss.

Once, we were both sick with the flu and I vaguely remember clinking our glasses of orange juice together and then sleeping right through the day.

Then there was the year when we were so embroiled in struggle that we let the day pass without even a word.

That’s what marriage is: richer, poorer, good times and bad. Each year with its surprises and challenges, its hard fought lessons, its moments of sweetness.

To honor our many years together, here are 36 lessons I’ve found most valuable:

1. If you think marriage would have been much easier with somebody else, you’re probably wrong.
2. Most marital problems are fixable. Really. Even the tough ones.
3. The D word (divorce) is a dangerous weapon. I suggest the F word instead: frustrated. Nobody’s heart will be broken if you say, “I’m so FRUSTRATED I could scream!”
4. The term wedded bliss should be stricken from every couple’s vocabulary. Marriage is wonderful in many ways, but expecting bliss makes the inevitable rough times seem like a problem when they’re simply part of the deal.
5. That bit about how your partner won’t change: Wrong. My husband and I met in our early 20s. If we’d both stayed just as we were, we’d still be two naïve kids, stubbornly insisting we have to have things our way, thinking marriage shouldn’t be as challenging as it is.
6. Marriage doesn’t get good or stay good all on its own.
7. Every one of us is, in our own way, difficult to live with. Beginning to work on even one of your own problem behaviors will make a big difference in the quality of your marriage. Added bonus: your spouse will greatly appreciate it!
8. People who are unhappily married sometimes think marriage is the problem — that marriage is unnatural or outdated or impossible to do well. There’s not a third entity called marriage. Everything that goes on between you is your creation. Each of you playing your part. Why not create something worthwhile?
9. Marriage is a “learn on the job” proposition. None of us comes into it with all the skills we need for success. When the going gets rough it’s most often a sign that we need some new skills — not a sign that we need a new spouse.
10. Struggle in marriage is not only inevitable, it’s necessary. None of us can grow a strong and healthy relationship without having to face and resolve difficult issues.
11. Even the best marriage can’t make up for the difficulties we faced growing up. We all come with childhood injuries. Thinking your spouse can make you feel safe and secure when you’re wobbly inside is too much to ask. The sooner (and more effectively) you deal with your “stuff,” the healthier and more satisfying your marriage will be.
12. Love grows as much from the challenges we face and surmount together as from the delights that we share.
13. Marriage is a long negotiation about how two people are going to run things. Money. Intimacy. Parenting. Chores. You can battle, or you can collaborate. Collaboration is a lot more rewarding.
14. Even the most stubborn among us can learn how to yield. Trust me on this one.
15. Most of your spouse’s upsets and frustrations aren’t about you — but some are. The sooner you figure out which is which, the better off you’ll be.
16. During hard times, commitment may be your saving grace. The fact that, way back when, you said “’till death do us part” may be the only reason you keep two feet in long enough to fix what’s not going well. And that’s reason enough.
17. Marriage can make you a better person or a worse person. It’s your choice.
18. Complaints and criticisms aren’t the same thing as requests for change.
19. Discouragement is one of the greatest threats to marriage. I’ve seen struggling couples give up on marriages that could quite likely be saved had they been given the proper guidance and encouragement to hang in there and fix things.
20. Thinking you have a 50-50 chance of ending up divorced makes it seem like a coin toss. It’s not. There are some behaviors that nearly guarantee failure. We all know what they are. It’s a good idea to not do them.
21. Being nice helps.
22. Saying thank-you does, too.
23. The happier I am about my own life, the less irritated I am about my husband’s irritating behaviors.
24. A good marriage will have its share of conflict, frustration, boredom, unresolvable arguments, slammed doors and nights where one person sleeps on the couch. The key is to have enough good things to balance them out.
25. It’s not always easy to keep your heart open.
26. Love matters. While love doesn’t heal all, even (especially) during hard times, love is a touchstone, a reminder of why you got together in the first place.
27. Marriage is not an antidote for loneliness. While marriage provides companionship, closeness and connection are not a constant. Sometimes we’re in sync. Sometimes we’re not. It’s important to be able to soothe and comfort yourself when need be.
28. It’s easy to get into a rut when you’re with the same person, year after year. Sex. Vacations. Dinner. How you spend Saturday night. Change things. Add some spice.
29. Most good marriages have one person who plays the role of the relationship “guardian”: The person who brings up difficult subjects. The person who stays hopeful in hard times. The person who acts as a steadying influence when one or both of you are getting worked-up. In an ideal world, that role would be shared. In the real world it only takes one.
30. One of the best things to do in the midst of a fight is to stop fighting. Take a break. Cool down. Come back to it later. Hotheads are terrible problem solvers.
31. Some conflicts cannot be resolved by compromise. (We can’t have half a child or buy half a vacation home). When there’s no such thing as “meeting halfway,” the solution becomes a matter of generosity, where one person says “yes” to their second choice and the other acknowledges that as a gift.
32. Fights are never about content. Where we store the dish soap, whether it’s quicker to take the frontage road or the freeway, whether it’s horribly rude not to answer a text — none of these are worth getting ourselves all in a twist. Our upsets are about the larger meaning we make of that unanswered text, that resistance to influence, that refusal to take seriously the things we request. It’s really helpful to accurately name what’s setting you off.
33. There’s a big difference between being happily married and living happily ever after. None of us are happy 24/7. Thank goodness we don’t need to be.
34. When you think to yourself, I really shouldn’t say this, you’re probably right.
35. Learning how to make up is essential since you’ll never, ever, get to a point where neither one of you screws up.
36. One of you has to go first. Apologize first. Be vulnerable first. Yield first. Forgive first. Why not let that person be you?

 

Winifred M. Reilly is a Marriage and Family Therapist and author. Please visit her site. Reposted with permission. 

 

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Honesty: A Big Thing That’s Built In Small Ways

Restaurants are one of the greatest places to teach your kids honesty.

Amusement parks are good, too.

A movie theater will work in a pinch as well.

How? What do those three things have in common? Age restrictions.

Restaurant menus, amusement parks, and movie theaters are all places that will give you a discount if your child is a certain age. The kid’s menu is always cheaper than the adult menu. A toddler price is usually cheaper than an adult ticket to a theme park, and movies are less expensive for kids, too.

What’s interesting about those restrictions is how easy it is as a parent to be tempted to break them.

Kids grow up quickly. One minute, your five-year-old is getting the cheap price at a restaurant and the next he’s six, and you should be paying the full rate.

You’d never do this, because you’re a morally upstanding member of your community much like me, but you’d be surprised at how many parents blur the lines on this moment.

As a dad, I admit it’s not always easy. Your kid is barely six, and now you have to pay double for a movie ticket? It’s not the money that’s the real issue in that moment though, it’s the honesty. At ReThink, we define honesty as “Choosing to be truthful in whatever you say and do.” That means in big things we’re honest, and in small things, too. The tricky part is that kids remember those moments. A strong foundation of honesty is built brick by brick. And when we as parents fudge the rules and order from a kid menu when our kids are too old, we send them a signal. Our actions tell them, “You should always be honest, unless you can save a few dollars.”

No one would ever say that out loud, but that’s what we do if we’re not careful when confronted with something as simple as an age restriction.

Practice honesty this summer with your kids. Practice at restaurants, amusement parks, and movie theaters. Honesty is a big thing that’s built in small ways.

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Jon Acuff is the New York Times Bestselling author of five books, including his latest, Do Over: Rescue Monday, Reinvent Your Work & Never Get Stuck. He’s worked with some of the world’s biggest brands including The Home Depot, Staples and Bose. Read his blog at Acuff.me and follow him on Twitter, @JonAcuff.

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4 Essentials Tools to Help Struggling Couples

by Kirk Stewart

When Tonya and I were engaged, we had a couple’s wedding shower. We opened toasters, potholders and a vase. I was grateful, but none of that really captured my attention. But, then, we were handed a heavy box. My memories of Christmas always told me that the best dude-gifts were heavy!

We opened the box with great anticipation. IT WAS A TOOL SET! Oh, wow! I’d never owned my own tools. I was pretty amped up. Included in that tool set was a steel-shafted hammer! Twenty-three years later we still have that hammer and we still use it weekly. The toaster burned up, the potholders went out of style. But the hammer? It still works. It’s hard to break a hammer.

As a church leader, staff member or volunteer leader, there are some essentials we can use to fill our pastoral tool boxes, tools that will last. The following are 4 great tools to keep handy when we talk with couples who are stuck or struggling.

1. Listen. Ask the simple question, “What brought you here?”
2. Remind them, “It’s not you it’s me.” Most marital issues are actually issues of the heart. James 4:1 reminds us that fights come because we many times we just want our own way. Point couples to Ephesians 5:33 and help them understand that our focus has to go off of what we want and on to what the other person needs.
3. Lead them to date again. After helping a couple refocus (see point 2), encourage them to rekindle their dating relationship. Have them alternate who plans the date. When he plans, he sets up a date that would focus on her likes—and vice-versa. The spouse that is recipient of the date must not complain if the planner doesn’t get it quite right! It may take some trial-and-error, but TRY is the key.
4. Above all: Offer hope! They are there because they have lost hope of a great marriage. God wants the best for their marriage. That’s amazing hope!

Counseling can be intimidating sometimes. Remember that God has given you what you need to offer life and help (2 Peter 1:3), so let Him stretch you as you pour into couples.

But you may find that sometimes the deeper you dig, the more you’ll realize this situation may take more experience or time than you currently have. If you begin to realize you need a tool that is not in your toolbox, seek help with a local licensed counselor who will dispense God’s Word along with psychological help. Or seek an organization like Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. There is likely a counselor in your area or many of them provide Facetime or Skype counseling as well.

What about that vase we got at the couple’s shower, you may ask? Well, let’s just say one hammer + one vase . . . well, you do the math.

Kirk Stewart is the Discipleship Pastor at First Southern Baptist Church in Bryant, AR. He’s passionate about building spiritual depth in people, marriages and families and is a speaker and Biblical counselor. You can reach him on Twitter @kirklstewart or check out his blog kirkthoughts.tumblr.com.

 

Note: For an additional resource to help couples in crisis, check out (then link them to the store)

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Stop Freaking Out, Mom and Dad!

I don’t gamble, but if I did, I’m confident I would lose the house, the car, and maybe the kids in about 32 seconds.

Why?

As my friends and family have told me all my life, I have a terrible poker face. I just don’t hide my emotions well.

It’s not that I’m an emotional person…it’s just that people can tell what I’m thinking. Instantly. My face tells far too much of a story. And when I try to hide it, I apparently look either frustrated or constipated. At least this is what people tell me.

Which has given me a distinct parenting disadvantage.

How about you? Do you hide your emotions well as a parent?

It may be more important than you think.

This isn’t about lying or even being something you’re not. Not at all.

But as Shaunti Feldhahn has so aptly put it, how you react to what your kids tells you matters a lot, especially as they get become teens.

Shaunti references a national survey showed that 75% of all teens agree with this statement “If I knew my parents wouldn’t freak out, I would really like to share certain things with them.” 

Did you hear that?

Your kids would tell you things if they could be sure that you wouldn’t freak out.

And you know what my challenge is as a parent? I freak out when my kids tell me things.

I think it’s because I live in a hypocritical universe.

I may have done some things when I was a kid/teen/young adult that would cause the current me to freak out, but one of the main goals of parenting is to ensure my kids made none of the mistakes I made.

Wait, we can do better, can’t we? Isn’t the purpose of parenting that your kids make no mistakes?

Okay maybe not.

But parents, freaking out shuts down the dialogue.

You know it. I know it.

I mean even as adults, we withhold information from people in our family or even at work when we suspect they’re going to lose it on us. It may not be right, but it’s true. We’re human.

And so are your kids.

So what’s the best way to respond?

Listen. Don’t judge. As Shaunti says, if you’re going to freak out, freak out on the inside.

Meanwhile, on the outside, just listen…and pretend it’s perfectly normal. Which it probably is, even if it is disappointing.

The goal, of course, is not to condone what just happened, but to create a relationship of trust. Not to mention open and honest communication.

Kara Powell has also done a national study of teenagers and discovered that the reason kids who grew up believing in Jesus walk away from their faith as young adults is not because they have doubts, but because they have unexpressed doubts.

What teens need is a safe place to ask the big questions. When your 16-year-old daughter comes home and says she is not sure she trusts the Bible as an authority, freaking out on her only makes it worse, not better.

She’s really just looking for a place to question, to probe, to be honest. And if she can’t have that conversation with you or other Christian adults who don’t freak out, who will she have it with?

If you have a wider circle of adults your child trusts who have also learned not to freak out, you’re in great shape.

But if you—and all your friends—shut down discussion as soon as it starts, you know what’s going to happen, right?

Your kids are going to talk to someone about it at some point. And it will likely be with someone who doesn’t share your faith convictions or value system.

So this week, stop freaking out. As hard as it may be. Just stop.

And maybe…just maybe…you’ll have more influence in your child’s life as a result.

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Carey Nieuwhof is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multi-campus church near Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Ministries. Prior to starting Connexus in 2007, Carey served for 12 years in a mainline church, transitioning three congregations into a single, rapidly growing congregation. Carey writes one of the most widely read Christian leadership blogs today. He is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-author of “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner. He and his family live in Ontario, Canada. Find Carey on his blog or follow him on Twitter, @Cnieuwhof.

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Principles of Recovery

Perhaps the best 'missions statement' that expresses God's heart toward broken people (that's all of us) is seen in Luke 4:18-19. The Spirit of the Lord empowers us to see what heaven sees for broken people - healing, liberty and recovery.


One of the things that I have learned regarding recovery is that people are not projects to be worked on. People are valued in God because of their inherent worth in Him. The anointing of God doesn't work on what is missing; it works on what Jesus has already accomplished for us. I remember trying to win my dad to Christ. My zeal wasn't always helpful. There is a fine line between helping and hindering. That line gets crossed for example, when we don't respect a person's free will. But when we trust God's Spirit to do the work, He will do a work that will far exceed our abilities and efforts. "We are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." (Eph.2:10)


Another thing that I have learned is that God motivated recovery will not trade on symptoms but will focus upon the cause of Christ. Put another way the cause of Christ is bigger than our condition. Often our efforts are about trying to make pain go away. We can medicate, lubricate, vindicate, activate and even demonstrate but the pain is still there. Recovery is more than just dealing with 'fig leaves' or false coverings. It is all about receiving what heaven declares through the finished work of His Son. For example, when I know that I am totally forgiven of my all my sins, I will be empowered to forgive both myself and others. (Col.3:13) Recovery of broken relationships will happen when I realise that the cause of Christ is bigger than anything else.


When we see the power of the cross we will also get heavens perspective upon life situations. Grace based principles will always triumph over human preferences. There is the story of the two women who disputed over who was the real mother of a baby (1 Kings 3:23-28) The real mother was prepared to give up 'ownership' of her child so that the child could live. The principle of respect for a life was bigger than even her own preference. I may feel justified about my angry at another person or upset at the way I have been treated but is it life giving for me or anyone else? I may want to straighten someone else out but in the process am I being bent out of shape? Spirit led recovery begins in me. His anointing will always bear witness to truth. Principles will empower us to even let go our preferences as uncomfortable as this may be at times.










This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith entitled Principles of Recovery at The Vine Church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 17/05/15. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

How to Invite Others to Invest in the Lives of Your Kids

“Mom, did you know that one time Ms. Sandra had a real live moose in her house?”

 “Hey mom, Miss Amy and Mr. Adam told me we are going to make snow globes when they come over next! Real snow globes!”  

“Mom, isn’t it so funny when Miss Jenilee always shouts ‘Holla!’ when she is excited? What does that even mean?”

These are some of the conversations I have with my children about their friendships with adults outside of our family. They are fun little stories and tid-bits that reflect real relationship and investment into their lives.

We are one of the few families in our area that is blessed to have extended family living nearby. It is a rarity in Washington DC where most people are transplants. Our kids have aunties and uncles and teenage cousins that treat them like royalty and slip them candy whenever we aren’t looking. But we also have this rich community of non-family members that have made connections with our kids. My husband and I often comment at the depth of our gratitude for the adults that have taken an interest in our kids. It is a great source of encouragement, as a parent, to have other people come to know and love our children and speak life into them. We value the investment and look for opportunities to cultivate it.

We have Mr. Adam and Ms. Amy, a sweet married couple excited to start a family of their own. In the meantime, they pour all sorts of love onto our kids, taking them on adventures to the zoo and the park and out to pizza. We had Ms. Sandra who moved to DC on temporary assignment with her husband and was missing her grandkids so badly that she adopted ours as her own. Many of the Bible stories that our kids know come from the skits she created with them or the pop-up art projects they did together. The younger staff and volunteers that we work with at our church ask our kids to jump in and serve alongside them on Sundays, invite themselves over to play Legos or Barbies, and show up at their school performances. They are like big sisters and brothers, and their biggest fans.

A couple of years ago, we hosted Chap Clark, co-author of the book Sticky Faith, to speak to parents at our church. As a long-time researcher of youth and family ministry, Chap shared that for years, youth ministers have used the 5:1 ratio as a goal in youth ministry—one adult for every five kids. But, he proposed, what if we flipped that and aimed to have five adults for every one child? He explained that 40-50% of church-going young people are stepping away from their faith because they haven’t had the opportunity to see an authentic faith lived out in the life of adults they trust and admire.

So, Chap encouraged parents to invite adults with shared values to invest in the lives of their kids. I am often asked by other parents how to do this. Parents are eager to encourage these relationships but don’t know how to begin. Here are my best recommendations for how to get started.

Make an invitation already! Just start somewhere! Invite a college student to dinner. Share with that grandma from church that your daughter has been wanting to learn to sew, and ask if she might come over and teach her a few things. When you plan your son’s birthday party, ask a couple of teens or singles if they would come and help run games. Ask a newly married couple to take your kids to the movies, offering to cover the cost of tickets. Just start somewhere and see what happens!

Recognize it is not luck. My husband and I often hear that we are “lucky” to have these folks in our lives. We would never disregard that all of our rich relationships are a gift. But we were purposeful in allowing these friends to have space in our lives. It takes effort and intentionality to invite others into the life of your family. Make a plan and take intentional steps to help your kids make a connection.

Say yes when others take a step to engage. You might not realize it, but you may have passed up opportunities for relationship without intending to. When someone offers to babysit so you can get a night out, don’t hesitate to take them up on the offer.  If someone expresses an interest in something that interests your child, consider that a clue to an area in which they could connect. Remember that some people might have an interest in connecting with your family and might be dropping hints because they don’t know where to begin either.

Embrace the awkward. Yes, it will feel a bit funny at first. You are likely at different life stages than this person you are inviting in, so hunt a little for ways to connect. I sometimes feel lame inviting a young person over for movie night because surely they have better things to do on a Friday night. It can also be awkward or embarrassing to allow someone into your home and see the dirty dishes and the laundry piling up. Commit to pushing through the awkward stage to get to the fruit of real relationship.

Realize that relationship is a two way street. Parents have this bad habit of feeling sheepish if anyone extends help in our parenting journey. But, remember, you have something to share too. Family life offers a great comfort to someone who is single or an empty nester. Invite someone to share in your home-cooked meal. Be available to lend a listening ear about a job change or hurdles in a young marriage. Remember that you have something to give as well.

Be an investor yourself. Just because you are a parent yourself does not mean you are off the hook to be an influencer in the life of young people outside of your family. I attend plenty of musicals and sporting events to be a “super fan” for some young people in my life. Though it can feel like my hands are full with my own kids, I don’t want to miss the opportunity to make a connection with a young person who might share my interest in playing water sports, making silly videos, or decorating cookies.

Taking steps to invite healthy influencers into the lives of your children will ensure support and investment you trust.  You will give them an opportunity to see an authentic faith lived out in the lives of someone their admire. And, as a bonus, you will show your kids that you believe they are worth knowing.

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Nina serves as Director of Family Ministry at National Community Church in Washington DC. Nina originally moved from California to the nation’s capital to work for the United States Congress, serving as a Legislative Director in the House of Representatives. Writing and directing education and family policy, Nina realized her deep passion for strengthening the family and the home. She has overseen the family ministry department at NCC since 2001, growing the children’s programs to seven locations. Nina and her husband, Joel, live on Capitol Hill with their three young kids:  Eloise, Ezekiel, and Lorenza.

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Hard Words, not Harsh Words

by Kevin A. Thompson

Love demands difficult conversations. Issues must be confronted. Feelings must be communicated. Frustrations must be expressed.

For any improvement, difficult conversations must take place.

Marriages, families, teams, or workplaces which are healthy approach difficult conversations in a drastically different way than those which are unhealthy.

The biggest difference between healthy cultures and unhealthy cultures is the difference between hard words and harsh words.

Healthy people and organizations use hard words.
They aren’t afraid to say what needs to be said.
They don’t hesitate to communicate.
They put the welfare of others above personal comfort.
They say hard things.

It’s not easy for most people to look another person in the eye and say:

• I’m not happy.
• I didn’t like that decision.
• I disagree.
• I was wrong.
• Will you forgive me?

These are hard things to say, so most people avoid them.
They avoid the words, but the issues remain.

As the issues remain, negative consequences fester, frustrations grow, and tensions mount.
Eventually, conflict erupts and the feelings which have been hidden explode to the surface.
However, in the forced confrontation, hard words often give way to harsh words.
Instead of discussing the issues, we attack the people.
We blame.
We injure.
We find the weakest spot and launch an all-out assault.
We seek to win the argument at all cost.
While hard words provide an opportunity to expose a problem and fix it, harsh words distract from the issue.
They put a person on the defensive and never result in conflict resolution.

The hardest word to say is “I.” It is hard because it requires us to reveal our true thoughts and feelings. It demands something from us to say:

• “I feel ____.”
• “I think _____.”
• “I believe _____.”
• “I want _____.”
• “I will _____.”

The harshest word to say is “you.” It stops communication. It defines the other person without allowing them to define themselves. It injures others when we say:

• “You think _____.”
• “You feel _____.”
• “You always _____.”
• “You never _____.”
• “You are a _____.”

Hard words are full of potential; we should have the courage to use them.
Harsh words are full of destruction; we should have the wisdom to avoid them.

Few things can change the culture of a family, workplace, or team like replacing harsh words with hard words.

 

Kevin A. Thompson is the Lead Pastor of Community Bible Church, a multi-site church in the Greater Fort Smith Region. He met his wife, Jenny, while in college and they have been married since 2000. 

This post originally appeared on Kevin’s blog. Reposted with permission. 

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Celebrate the Last Day of School

Freedom.
Staying up late and sleeping in.
The smell of chlorine in my hair.
Sunshine.
Oatmeal cream pies.
Weeks spent at my Grandmother’s.
Summer.

Maybe your summer memories are different than mine, but I bet we can all agree that summertime is certainly a memorable season.

For our children, it’s a breather from the relentless (and often rigorous!) schedule that school brings. For us, it’s a juggling act of childcare, managing boredom, and trying to squeeze in a few moments in the sun for ourselves.

You have a lot going on, so we wanted to provide you with a few ideas on how to start your summer on a high note!

Last Day of School Ideas

Preschool

For your preschooler, the last day of school may not actually be the last day of school. Maybe they’re in Pre-K. Maybe they’re in a Mother’s Morning Out program. Or maybe they stay home with you. But you can still mark the beginning of summer in a fun way!

Create a “Countdown to Summer” paper chain by linking together slivers of colored construction paper. Hang a paper sunshine high on a wall, and let the rainbow-colored chain hand down from it. Every day that goes by, have your preschooler remove a piece of the chain. Talk about the colors of the papers, the shape of the sun, and what your plans are for the summer. Count the remaining links before bed every night.

Elementary School

This age is fun because they’re still young enough to really excited about things—without being “too cool” for it!

Talk to some of the other parents in your neighborhood, and organize an end-of-the-year water toys war. One fun idea is to be waiting with water toys when your child gets off the bus. Make sure the children exit the bus and are in a safe location, then fire away. Be sure to have extra water toys for them, too. A“Parents versus Kids” water war makes it extra fun.

Middle School

Middle school students are funny. They love their friends, can’t drive, and get bored easily. For them, summer might come with mixed emotions. (As do most things when you’re in middle school.)

Help set the tone for an exciting break by having a basket of goodies ready for them when they get home from school. You can even make a banner for them outside of your house (depending on how embarrassed you want to make them), or decorate their bedroom door with streamers and balloons.

The contents of the basket can all correspond to fun things they can do in the summer (and can be found at a Discount/Dollar store):

• Sunscreen (for the pool/lake/beach)
• Popcorn (for a movie night)
• Bubbles (no one is ever too old for bubbles)
• Their favorite candy (for late night snacking)
• Marshmallows (for a bonfire roasting)
• Book/magazine (to read on a long drive somewhere fun)
• Flashlight (for camping)

You get the idea.

High School

Your high school student will most definitely appreciate summer break—especially after they can drive. They’ll probably have jobs, plans with friends, internships, summer reading, etc. Before you lose them for the summer, create a moment on the last day of school.

Teenagers crave one thing: independence. On the last day of school, give your child a new freedom or responsibility. Extend their curfew. Increase their allowance. Give them a cell phone. Grant that one desire they’ve been begging you for (within reason). Extending trust to your high school student is a good way to pave the road for your future relationship with them. They won’t always live in your home forever. Easing up on the control is healthy for them—and for you, too.

PS – You can do all the other suggestions with your high schooler, too. I bet they’ll like the summer countdown chain more than you might think!

Why don’t you add to the list? How do you celebrate the last day of school with your kids?

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Holly Crawshaw is a wife, mother, and writer who eats sour candy and laughs at her own jokes. She served on staff with North Point Ministries for six years, the latter of which was spent as Preschool Director. She and her husband, Ben, are raising their two daughters, Lilah and Esmae, in their hometown of Cumming, GA. Connect with Holly on Twitter.

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How to Stop Working 7 Days a Week

by Carey Nieuwhof

I was reading feedback recently from some church leaders who attended a conference I spoke at, and one comment I saw stopped me in my tracks. We asked the question: What is the one problem that—if you could solve it— could revolutionize your ministry?

His response: To stop working 7 days a week.
My heart went out to him.

I don’t think I know a single ministry leader (or business leader for that matter) who hasn’t struggled with working too many hours. And I know far too many who never take a full day off.

While I think overwork will always be a struggle for most driven people (it has been for me), I think it’s almost an epidemic among many ministry leaders.

So how do you recover from it? I’ll share some insights from my journey and would love to hear yours.

[Two Truths No One Can Really Argue With]
First, two things that are simply true in leadership:

You will never be done. This may not be the case when you start. I remember beginning in ministry in some very small churches and thinking “how on earth am I going to fill 40 hours?” I actually called people to see if there was more I could do.

As we grew I never suffered from the problem of boredom again.

In fact, a church of 100 can place just as many demands on ministry leaders as a church of 1000.  Sometimes more, because in a church of 100 people assume you have all the time in the world for them.

You think you will make up for the demand by working more hours, or by working smarter, but that’s a dead end street.

So just admit it. Say it out loud. No matter how many hours I work, I will never be done.

The problem with needs based ministry is there are always more needs. You probably got into ministry because you care about God and about people. And you want to help meet people’s needs.

I’ll never forget what my friend Reggie Joiner told me when I first met him. The problem with needs based ministry is there are always more needs.

If your goal is to respond to every human need out there, you will never sleep. Just know that. You are fighting a battle you will lose every time.
And the biggest losers will be your family, whose needs will be ignored in the process.

[ 7 Practical Tips to Help Your Stop Working 7 Days a Week]
So how do you de-escalate your hours, not make people angry and actually have time to refuel? Well, this journey has taken me years, but here it is in seven bullet points:

1. Preplan your calendar with ‘slots’ for everything you need to do
About five years ago I moved to a fixed calendar. It’s the only reason I’m still sane today and can do what I’ve been called to do. By a fixed calendar I mean I pre-plan what I’m going to do and not going to in advance.

I book no meetings as a rule on Mondays and Wednesdays. Those are message writing/series planning days. I also do much of the administration I need to do.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are meeting days. I meet with our staff and if anyone else is going to meet with me, it will be in the slots available on those days.

The power of this system is that when someone asks if you’re free to meet with them, you can honestly tell them you are not. Your message prep is extremely important, and if it’s in your calendar, you can tell them that unfortunately you’re not free Monday. If all you have is nothing booked it, you will almost always tell them you’ve got nothing going on and you’ll meet them.

And you’ll do your sermon prep on Saturday when you should be home with your family. And, by the way, your congregation will suffer because you didn’t spend the time you needed to on your message.

2. Book down time in your calendar
Slot in family time, personal time, devotional time, exercise time and time to just be. Write your day off in your calendar.

Then when someone asks you if you are free, you say “Unfortunately, I’m not.” Again, if you think rest isn’t important, ask the question again once you’re in full fledged burnout (here are 9 signs you’re getting there).

And if you have pre-determined slots available for meeting people in the weeks ahead, you can offer them one of those.

3. Learn to ask yourself, “Is it truly an emergency and can only I help?”
If you lead in a larger church, this isn’t the issue it used to be. But when our church was smaller, people always looked to me for pastoral care (we’ve switched most of our care to groups and outside counselling, a move I can’t recommend highly enough).

The challenge is everyone who asks you to meet with them wants to meet with you now because it’s so important and they’re in crisis and only you can help.

In those moments, remind yourself that what feels like an emergency to them might not actually be an emergency.  Their marriage didn’t get terrible overnight, it’s been sliding for years. Ask one more question, and you might discover that X has been in the hospital for a week and will be there for another week.

Too many church leaders give up their personal time and family time for crises that aren’t really crises.

And then ask yourself (especially if you want your church to grow), am I the only person who can really help? Truth is I am sometimes the person who can least help. They need a counsellor. Or a doctor. Or someone from their community group to visit.

If you are the only person who can help, try this: “I’m sorry to hear that. I have some time available Monday, can we meet then?” You’ll be shocked at how many times the person immediately says “Sure, no problem.”

4. Power down
The problem is just as much you as it is them, isn’t it. You’re addicted to your phone. I am.
So power down. When I’m truly off, I sometimes move my mailbox app to a third screen on my phone so I don’t look at it.

Be unavailable. People expect you to be off. So be off when you’re off.

5. Tell people the truth…they’ll be happy for you
Maybe this is just me, but for years I felt guilty about telling people I was taking a day off. I know, only crazy people think like that, but I’m a crazy person.
Sometimes I would say things like “I’ve been working for a month without a day off so I really need to take it.”

Seriously. What is wrong with me that I need to justify time off?

So next time you’re off or need to be off, just tell them…”Oh you know, that’s my day off…Can we do it another time?”

You know what? They’ll be thrilled for you. At least normal people will.

6. Create categories of things you will no longer do
As your ministry or organization grows and you have more responsibility, you need to regularly decide what you are simply no longer going to do.

The best way I know how to do this is to think in categories.

I schedule lots of time for my direct reports and elders.
I schedule less time for everyone else.
I leave time open for unchurched people.
I have limited time for outside church leaders, but make a few slots available every month.
I don’t do counselling.
I don’t as a rule do pastoral care except for our staff and elders.
I don’t do many weddings or funerals.
I don’t attend local ministerials but will meet with other local pastors of like minded churches.

I realize many people will disagree with these choices, but they have helped me lead a larger church that’s generally very healthy. And I have time for myself and my family and time to pursue hobbies like writing. Plus it allows me to spend the majority of my working time doing what I’m best at and what adds the most value to our church.

7. Learn to Say “No” Nicely
I hate saying no. I’d love to say yes to everyone. But I would be dead and they would not be helped.

I wrote this post outlining a six step strategy on how to say no nicely.

I also need to confess that I have a secret weapon. I have a great assistant, Sarah. Sometimes I joke I pay her to say no all day long. She’s so good and it and so nice that when she says no on my behalf people feel like she said yes. I’m not kidding.

The transferable principle is that if you’re in a larger organization and can support an assistant, find one who excels at saying no and setting boundaries, nicely.  It’s an amazing gift…not just to you but to the entire organization. And if you don’t have a budget for that, my guess is you can even find a volunteer who will help you by handling your calendar.

And again, if you have no staff, follow this procedure.

A final word: this needs constant revisiting. I’m about to review all my outside and inside commitments again next month and start cutting again. You are never done. As more opportunities arise, you need to be relentless in what you say no to…even if you say it nicely.

I hope this helps.

What has helped you stop working 7 days a week?
Leave a comment!

 

Carey Nieuwhof is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multicampus church north of Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Community Church. Prior to starting Connexus in 2007, Carey served for 12 years in a mainline church, transitioning three small congregations into a single, rapidly growing church.

He speaks to North American and global church leaders about leadership, change and personal growth.  Carey is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-authored “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner.  He and his wife Toni live near Barrie, Ontario and have two sons, Jordan and Sam.

He blogs at http://ift.tt/1bdw8GN and hosts the top-rated Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast every week. This blog reposted with permission. Originally posted here. 

 

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Practical Ideas for Relating to Your Graduating Senior

This post is adapted from The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family by Kara Powell. To find out more about Sticky Faith or order this book bursting with practical ideas for parents of all ages, visit stickyfaith.org. 

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The two credit card applications, I expected. The handwritten letter was a surprise.

It was my first day on campus as a college freshman, and I decided to check my PO box. I immediately discarded the two credit card brochures. My mom had warned me about those.

While I chucked the applications, I was surprised to also find a handwritten note. It was from Pamela, one of the high school small group leaders in my home church. The week before I headed to college, Pamela asked my mom for the address to my PO box. She wasn’t even my small group leader, but she knew enough about life at college that she wanted a cheerful greeting from home to be waiting for me.

I walked back to my dorm room and taped that note from Pamela to the right of my mirror. Her note stayed there until Christmas, a daily reminder that my home church was thinking about me and praying for me. I had not been forgotten.

In the twenty-five years since I opened my PO box, technology has expanded the quantity and quality of pipes we can use to shower high school graduates with our care and concern. Our team at the Fuller Youth Institute recently heard from Sheila, a mom who asked a number of her church friends to write her son as he headed to a college fifteen hundred miles from home. A week later, her son Matthew posted on Facebook:

“I’ve only been at college for a week, and I have already received countless letters, texts, and posts from my home church. Thank you all so much! Every letter has encouraged me to keep my faith strong. With all the ‘options’ out there at college, it’s comforting to know that I have a church family back home supporting me and my beliefs. If you haven’t written to a college student yet, I encourage you to do so. It will make their day! “

Pamela’s note to me and Sheila’s mail bombardment for her son are more than just fun ideas; they are actually faith-building. Some parents—so wary of being helicopter parents and hovering over their maturing child—tend to go to the other extreme and go “radio silent.” According to our Sticky Faith research, that’s a mistake. Our study of over 500 youth group graduates indicates that contact from at least one adult from the congregation outside of the youth ministry during the first semester of college is linked to graduates’ faith maturity. Whether it’s newer technology like texting or something you’ve perhaps heard of called “the US Postal Service,” parents and other adults who keep in touch with your emerging adult child send faith-building messages that can still reverberate three years later.

If you want some creative ways to show your child you are still thinking of them after they graduate, consider…

• Following Sheila’s example and asking 3-10 friends to write your graduate a letter. Texting is a decent “plan B” but it’s not nearly as meaningful or lasting.
• Sending them a handwritten note on any type of paper you can find – tissues (unused please), toilet seat covers, airplane vomit bags – the more creative and outlandish, the more memorable it will be for your graduate.
• Mailing them a favorite food item every week for a month, or even a semester.
• Texting them pictures of items, scenes, or experiences that remind you of them. You can sprinkle photos already on your phone that feature your graduate into the mix.
• Sending them an item from home that’s meaningful to them—like a blanket they love, or a sweatshirt of yours that they used to borrow all the time.

How else have you stayed in touch with your graduating children? Or what ideas have you thought about that you’d like to try?

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Kara Powell, PhD, is the Executive Director of the Fuller Youth Institute (FYI) and a faculty member atFuller Theological Seminary. Named by Christianity Today as one of “50 Women to Watch”, Kara serves as an Advisor to Youth Specialties and also speaks regularly at parenting and leadership conferences. Kara is the author or co-author of a number of books including The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family, Sticky Faith Curriculum, Can I Ask That?, Deep Justice Journeys, Essential Leadership, Deep Justice in a Broken World, Deep Ministry in a Shallow World, and the Good Sex Youth Ministry Curriculum.

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Homes of Favour

What are homes of favour? Homes of favour are not perfect but they are right. What do we mean by 'right'? A home that is 'right' isn't right because our effort has made it right. It is right because its members have been made right. Being made right is about receiving what the Holy Spirit declares about us and over us. He, the Holy Spirit, tells the believer that he is highly favoured, totally accepted and fully forgiven. When a household believes this it will become a home of favour. You may well ask, what's our part in all of this?


There is a powerful account in Acts 12, that demonstrates what our part is in receiving favour for our households. Peter was imprisoned and heavily guarded. The early church was experiencing powerful demonstrations of the Holy Spirit but it was also experiencing persecution from the authorities under Herod. Crisis can stimulate the church to pray. "Peter was therefore kept in prison but constant prayer was offered to God for him by the church." (12:5) Not only was there prayer, but the Lord also despatched an angel to deliver Peter from prison chains. Peter was freed. He left the prison and headed toward the house of Mary, John Mark's mothers' home. These events were remarkable enough but when a little girl called Rhoda answered the door, she had a job convincing her household that their prayer had been answered. Peter continued knocking until they opened the door. The unexpected had happened. Their prayers had been answered. The miracle had happened. All the household had to do was to open the door. Our part in receiving all that God has for our families, is to open the door.


When we 'open the door', we are effectively inviting the Holy Spirit to grow us from the inside out. Crises can become the stimulus to pray but we need to 'open the door' to let God the Holy Spirit work His work in us. If your crisis point is a troubled marriage or a broken parent-child relationship, keep on praying and keep the door open. He, God, is our Helper in times of trouble. He will surround you and your loved ones with angels (Ps 34:7). God will act when you are helpless. He will intervene when you are desperate. Perfection is not about what we need to do ; it is about trusting Him to work in scenarios that are beyond our effort to fix or to control.  He knows how to release your loved ones from the prisons that are on the inside. Our responsibility is to behold the empty cross, to believe and to keep the door open.






This blog is based on a message given by Diane Smith. called Homes of Favour at The Vine Church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 10/05/15. The full message can be downloaded by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

Mothers With No Babies to Hold

This past January I grieved along-side my sister the loss of my niece, our desperately wanted and deeply loved little girl who was put into a body not meant for this world. Losing a child isn’t something that we talk about often because, really, what is there to say?

When you lose a baby before they ever really come into your home, you don’t have a memory to go back to. You can’t talk about their life well lived. You can’t share stories about who they were.

It’s a different kind of loss. And so often it becomes a silent loss. One that we feel only on the inside, but never know how to share openly.

There are many stories that make Mother’s Day a mixed bag. As a mother of two, going on three children, I admit I want to be celebrated. I want to have a day to sleep in and get cards and to remember that all the snack making, laundry folding, and sibling mediating is really worth it and is really making a difference.

I want Mother’s Day.

But I also want Mother’s Day for a lot of other mothers.
I want Mother’s Day for all the mothers who never held their living babies.
I want Mother’s Day for all the mothers who are still hoping for a child.
I want Mother’s Day for all the mothers who said goodbye to a child much too soon.
And I want Mother’s Day for those who no longer have a mother to send a card to.

This isn’t a new thing. It’s as old as . . . Mother’s Day. But I feel it in a new way this year personally, because I miss the little girl who should have been “signing” a card for my sister this weekend.

When I think about this Mother’s Day in light of that loss, I want to find a way to redeem the day for every mother like my sister. When I think about how to make Sunday special, here’s what I want to do.

1. Not fix anything.

I can’t anyway. My sister doesn’t need to be fixed, and it’s well beyond my abilities to go snatch my niece out of heaven and bring her back to this world. So there’s nothing for me to fix.

2. Acknowledge it.

If you remember someone else’s loss, chances are they remember too. They haven’t forgotten the child or parent they miss this Mother’s Day. So it’s actually more helpful to remember with them. Grief is never bearable, but it’s more bearable when we are not grieving alone. 

3. Give a gift.

When someone is grieving a loss there may not be a card that says the right thing or a box of chocolates that feels appropriate. But, there’s something about tangible things to hold onto. So it’s okay to send a well-selected picture, a hand written card, a teddy bear, a necklace, a song. When you give a gift that means something—it means something.

4. Say a prayer.

I’m not sure God can give me a reason to help me make sense of all the grief that happens in this life. I’m not sure when or how He will heal the hurt that my sister feels with the loss of a child, but I do see how He has given her happy moments in spite of an ever-present sadness. I see how He has given her friends even when she feels alone. And I will say a prayer that somehow little by little the anger will melt into something new, so that someday when she meets her daughter in heaven, my sister will have lived a better life on this earth because of the daughter she never knew.

I pray that we all will. I pray that every mother—
the mothers who hold their children,
the mothers who hope for children,
the mothers who have said goodbye to a child too soon—
will all feel seen, and remembered, and loved this Mother’s Day. And that we can all live a better life in the present because of the children we love so much.

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Kristen Ivy is the Executive Director of Messaging at Orange and co-author of Playing For Keeps, Creating a Lead Small Culture, and It’s Just a Phase. She combines her degree in secondary education with a Master of Divinity and lives out the full Orange spectrum as the wife of XP3 Students Orange Specialist, Matt Ivy, and the mother of two children, Sawyer and Hensley. Find Kristen on Twitter, @Kristen_Ivy and follow her blog at www.justaphase.com.

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One Marble At A Time

So I’ve started this blog post like 14 different ways (not exaggerating). It just might be the most challenging one yet. Once you know what it’s about maybe you’ll understand why.

I’ve been told there are 936 weeks in the life of a child from birth to 18. We have a visual for those weeks here at Orange in the form of a jar filled with 936 marbles. The idea is that when you count the weeks you have left with a kid, you stand a better chance of making your weeks count.  As you take one marble out of the jar each week, the marbles begin going down, you see what you have left… you get the idea.

I have 3 kids and the jar of my first-born has 4 marbles in it.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Four marbles.

A cap and gown.
A prom tux.
Graduation announcements.

…all reminders that there’s not much time left before the infant that entered my home 18 years ago will soon be leaving as a man.

It’s not that I’m sad really. I imagine I’m feeling close to what a person feels like when . . .
a great life work is coming to a close.
the company that was once a dream is now making a profit.
the book has been written and the first copy is in-hand.
a doctorate is framed and hung on the wall.

These are dreams placed in someone’s heart that they . . .
acted on,
poured their life into,
made their biggest investments in
waited years for a return that was never guaranteed.

Dreams this big leave you totally depleted and yet full in the most satisfying way.

It’s your passion.
It’s what you sacrifice for.
It’s what keeps you up at night.
It’s what drives you in every decision you make.
It’s what will take you to the edge of sanity and make you question why God ever thought you could do this.

It will expose every flaw you possess and bring out heroic qualities you never imagined lived within you.

That’s what parenting—and my family—has been for me. It will forever be my greatest life work.

It makes me want to cry and cheer all at the same time when I look at my son. Being his mom and getting to be a part of him becoming who he is today has been the most amazing experience. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I want to shout, “I did it! I did it! Look what God used me to do! Look at my son! He’s amazing!” (cue the band, parade and confetti)

Looking back, I can’t even begin to tell you where all of my 936 marbles went.

Some were spent sitting in a rocking chair just staring at his infant face.
Others looking for Blue’s Clues,
putting Transformers together,
listening to him read his first book to me,
eating lunch with him at school,
going on all those field trips,
shopping for cool shirts.
talking about girls,
talking about God,
helping him recover from his first broken heart,
letting him chauffeur me around,
taking selfies together,
getting ready for prom…

It’s worth pointing out that when I look back, it’s not the “big” moments that I remember most. It’s the smaller everyday moments that stand out. I truly believe the best way to spend your marbles is by simply making yourself available.

It’s making the most of the drive to practice. Eating dinner together with no electronic devices. Helping with homework. Playing in the yard. Hosting sleepovers and listening to their stories.

We will always be our children’s parents. But things change when they move away. My son will be going away to college soon, He’ll be out on his own, putting to use the years he has spent under our influence. We had our eighteen years, and now it’s time for him to go and be all that God made him to be. After all, that was the plan all along.

God used us to help an infant become a man. And not just any man. An amazing man who loves God and loves people. This was the hope—our end in mind—that guided our choices as we spent our marbles. It’s what helped us stay focused.

Listen, parenting is hard. It is a culmination of your worst and best moments. One day you’re speaking wisdom in love and the next you’re yelling in anger. Some of your marbles will be spent restoring a relationship while others will be simply playing in a sandbox. Both are needed.

The point is to imagine the end, and make the 936 weeks you have with your child count. Because I’m telling you, it will feel like there’s a hole in the bottom of your jar, but there’s not. Time just really does go by that fast, and before you know it you’ll look over and see 4 marbles sitting there.

Now, go be an amazing parent. You got this! One marble at a time.

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Autumn Ward has been a writer for The reThink Group’s First Look preschool curriculum for the past 10 years and is the Creative Director for Parent Cue Initiatives. She believes every parent can be a spiritual hero in their child’s life and it’s never too soon to begin sharing God’s story of love with them. Autumn and her husband, Chad, live in Cumming, GA with their three teenage children Joseph, Sarah, and Anna.

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How to Give Your Wife the Perfect Mother’s Day in 3 Simple Steps

by Amanda Maguire
Mother’s Day is coming. You can’t stop it and I am here to tell you that you CANNOT forget about it. Guys, this day is a toughie if you have any amount of children at any age. Not only do you need to remember to honor your own mother, you must make your wife feel remembered, loved and special on this very important day. It’s a double whammy!

I’m here to break it down for you fellas in 3 simple steps . . .

Step #1. Know her love language. For example, I personally love gifts. Tell me all the sweet nothings and affirmations you want, but I want to open a gift. It doesn’t matter what it is, I want to rip the paper off of something. It tells me that you took time to remember me, shop for me and spend money on me. Gifts communicate to me a sacrifice and a thoughtfulness that speaks to my heart. But YOUR wife may be very different! She may love hugs and cuddles more than gifts. She may light up when words of affirmation are poured upon her. If you don’t know or aren’t sure . . . ASK HER.

That leads me to Step #2. Ask her. Ask her what she would like or how she would feel honored this Mother’s Day. It may change season to season. When I had small kids, I felt the most honored by being ALONE. Give me a gift to the spa! But now that my kids are older, it’s fun to be with them on Mother’s Day. And if your wife sweetly says, “Oh, nothing,” or “I don’t care, anything you decide,” that is NOT your free ticket to actually do nothing! I know money can be tight— but most women do not need expensive gift or dinners out at places with tablecloths to feel valued (not that it wouldn’t be nice from time to time, hint, hint). So get creative, google “great free gifts for my wife” or “fun free outings” in your area, look on her Pinterest account. I have a heading in my Pinterest account that says “gifts to give or get” that could be easy shopping for my husband.

Step #3. By celebrating Mother’s Day you are honoring more than mom—you are setting a standard for your kids. You are teaching them and showing by example how to honor their mother and their future wife. If you have a daughter, you are modeling how her husband and children should treat her. Include your kids! If your kids can’t talk yet, be their voice. If your kids can’t drive to the store, take them. If your kids have no money to spend on mom, give them some, or help them make her something. Let your kids in on the fun of celebrating the special lady who loves them so dearly!

What a gift that you even have a wife and she is a mom! What a treasure that SHE is the one to nurture and care for your children. Rise up and call her Blessed!

 

Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor for 12 years and now the lead pastor of a church for the past 3 years. (It’s the same guy!) They are raising a family with kids 11, 9, and 6 . Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!

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