4 Ways to Teach Your Kids Initiative

When you look around, do you notice what you need to notice? Have you ever wondered why there are some people who can see things that other people just don’t see? It seems like some people just have this knack for looking around and noticing things others don’t. Maybe they notice there are three crooked pictures on the wall or three people wearing orange shirts. Sometimes they might even notice a job to be done—like a spilled glass of soda or an overflowing trashcan.

Many kids are great at noticing what’s going on around them. Think about all the times this past week when you heard something like:

“Dad, the trash is overflowing… again. Someone should take it out.”

“Mom! My uniform is still in the wash. I need it for today’s game!”

“I’m BORED!”

“Ugh! The lawn is FILLED with DOG POO!”

They are quick to tell us something needs to be done, then go about doing something else—as if it were an expectation our job is to take care of the situation.

It’s not that our kids are ungrateful or lazy. It’s not even they don’t want to help. Maybe they’ve just never been invited to help or don’t understand they can take initiative and do it themselves.

What if our kids could grasp what my old pastor Jeff Manion used to say, “They is you”?

They is you.

On the surface, it might not make sense but here’s the gist: We see things that need to be done all the time… But often, we figure it’s someone else’s job and think, “they should really do something about that.”

Well, what if “they” should actually be “you”?

I wonder this is where we start when we teach our kids about initiative:

They = you
Someone = you

I’ll be honest, this is often easier said than done. Remember the time I let my son help take out the trash? Letting kids take initiative and do the work themselves takes time and effort. It’s easier to do the work ourselves and get on with our day, but that’s doesn’t help our kids in the long-term. If our goal is to raise adults, we need to put in the hard work now so our kids will thrive later.

But when you break it down, it doesn’t have to be so hard. Here are four ways to make “they is you” part of the way your kids see the world around them:

1. Model It

We probably don’t go around announcing that we see the trash overflowing then tell everyone we’re going to take it out to the trash bin. That might be ridiculous. But when it comes to kids, they often need help making connections between what they see and what they can do about it. When we talk about the ways we’re taking initiative, our kids see it in action and can learn how to take initiative in their own life.

2. Let Them Do It

Kids can do more than we expect. It’s often easier or faster to do the job ourselves, but why not give your kids a chance to put initiative into practice. If they come to you with a problem, help them think through how they could follow through and solve the problem. Then, let them do it. It might not be perfect, but at least they’re learning what it means to see something and do something about it. Empower your kids to know they have what it takes to get the job done. If they feel like they’re able to show initiative, chances are they will.

3. Be Prepared

My wife had the brilliant idea of setting up the house so our kids can do a job when they see it needs to be done. There are cleaning kits in each of the bathrooms in our house. The washers/driers are front-loaders and the laundry detergent is at kid level. Each of the kids has their own laundry basket. We put games and books for the kids on the bottom shelves. Chargers for technology are accessible. Everything in our house is thought through to give our kids a chance to help. They know if they need something they have access to what it takes to complete the job. Sure they might need help sometimes, but they’re empowered to begin the job on their own. They’re able to take part in making our home run smoothly.

4. Praise The Effort Not The Result

Just because they’re doing the job doesn’t mean they’re always going to get it perfect. If we get mad or frustrated at them for how they do the job, they may not want to risk taking initiative another time. Celebrate them for taking a moment to try and do something they saw needed to be done. When it comes to initiative, starting and finishing the job is what matters; their skills to accomplish the job with excellence will develop over as they continue to practice.

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When it comes to teaching kids initiative, starting & finishing the job is what matters.
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Research proves that kids who demonstrate initiative are more successful in the long run. They get better grades, find themselves in less trouble, and show increased resilience when faced with difficulty. The more we can help our kids learn the valuable lessons of initiative while they are young, the more prepared they’ll be to face the world when they grow up.

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How To Rebuild Trust

by Dave Willis

Trust is a tricky thing. It is the foundation of every healthy relationship. It is the security that makes intimacy possible. It can be simultaneously strong and yet very fragile. It takes great effort and time to build, but it can be broken quickly.

Almost every relationship has encountered difficulties over broken trust. I would even argue that most difficulties in relationships stem directly from a breach of trust. Strong relationships (especially marriages) require strong trust, so here are a few ways to to build it (or rebuild it).

1. Don’t keep secrets.

In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Your spouse should have a “master key” to every part of your life. Never have a conversation you wouldn’t want them to hear, view a website you wouldn’t want them to see or go someplace you wouldn’t want them to know about. Complete transparency is vital to building complete trust.

2. Recognize the difference between forgiveness and trust.

Forgiveness and trust are two different things. When you’ve been wronged, you should give forgiveness instantly (which is “Grace”), but you should give your trust slowly (which is “common sense!”). Forgiveness by it’s very nature cannot be earned; it can only be given. Trust by it’s very nature cannot be given; it can only be earned. Forgiveness has to come first and then grace can pave the way to restoration and renewed trust.

3. Don’t retaliate.

When we’ve been wronged, we usually have an urge to punish the person who wronged us. We want them to feel the pain that they have caused us, but this kind of thinking hurts everyone involved and damages trust even more. It’s been said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies!” When you’ve been wronged in a relationship, give clear and specific guidelines for how trust can be restored, but don’t punish the other person.

4. Be consistent.

When you are in a process of rebuilding trust, do your very best to be consistent in your words and your actions. Consistency brings security and security eventually brings trust.

5. Be willing to temporarily give up some freedoms.

When an arm is broken, it has to be put in a cast to restrict its motion so it can have time to heal. When you’ve broken trust, you must be willing to temporarily give up certain freedoms and accept certain restrictions to allow time for healing. This is usually the most uncomfortable part of the process, but it’s vital.

6. Keep the Love alive.

The Bible says that, “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” I love that picture of love being strong enough to cover our imperfections and fill in the cracks of our broken hearts. Keep loving each other and allow God to use the power of love and grace to bring wholeness and healing to your relationship.

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Brace Yourself, Social Media Is Headed Your Way

I used to think only parents of high school students had to focus on social media. I assumed that until my kids hit high school, it wasn’t a topic I’d have to think about often as a parent. I didn’t think I’d get a free pass until 9^th grade, but there was some naïve, optimistic belief inside me that assumed I wouldn’t have to deal with it in 6^th grade.

I was wrong.

My daughter started middle school a few weeks ago and I’ve had to let go of a lot of the misconceptions I had about technology and students. Case in point, the other day my daughter told me that students at her middle school started “couple accounts on Instagram.” For a few minutes I pretended I understood what that meant, but as she explained it, what she said caught me off guard.

Apparently, a couple account is when someone anonymously opens an Instagram account designed to propose couples who could date. The owners of the account grab photos from other students’ profiles and then slap them together on Instagram. People who follow the account then vote in the comments on whether the two people shown would make a good couple.

Can you guess what happens?

When you create something like this, it’s only a matter of time until someone says, “She’s too ugly for him” or “He’s a loser and she’s too popular for him. They’d make a bad couple.”

I’m 39 and sometimes when complete strangers on the Internet say mean things about me, it hurts my feelings. Now imagine you’re a 6^th grade girl, and a group of 8^th graders who go to your school say you’re ugly on Instagram.

Whenever you criticize social media, a segment of culture is quick to point out all the amazing things it offers. And I agree with that. I’m a huge fan of the many opportunities social media makes possible for all of us. I genuinely believe it can positively impact most aspects of our lives.

As a parent though, I’m starting to pay better attention. As a parent, I’m starting to realize a 6^th grader’s heart wasn’t built to be criticized publicly and instantly on social media platforms. As a parent, I’m starting to see both the good and the bad sides of technology.

If you’ve got kids, social media is coming for you. Meet it head on, with hope and caution, because you’re going to need both.

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Words of Wisdom

There I sat, probably with slumped shoulders at this point. Mind totally saturated with gallons of new information, dates, deadlines, fees, dos and don’ts. I had already made a dozen mental to-do lists for the coming weeks, all while still processing the fact that I had to check-in at the “parent” table when we arrived.

And then it happened.

In the final hours of a two-day college freshman orientation whirlwind, I was given a notecard and told to write a few words of wisdom to my son. The notecards would be delivered to the students—to my son—later in September as a surprise.

I thought of my son and felt a burst of renewed energy.

Aww… how sweet!

How thoughtful!

What a great idea!

But wait! What do I say?

This was kind of a big parent moment. I mean I’ve said lots of things over the years as he’s packed up and headed to sleepovers, a week of camp, a two week mission trip . . . But this was different. This time he’s packing up and beginning his adult journey. He wouldn’t be back after two weeks, or even two months.

All of a sudden, I felt like these were the most important words I would ever say to my son. Ahh . . . the pressure! My shoulders straightened and my focus narrowed. And then I thought, why not remind him of a few things I’ve been telling him all his life?

As I sat there and looked at the words on my card, I saw my son leaving for his first day of kindergarten and me telling him, “Work hard.” God made us to work. In fact, He has good works planned for us. Give everything your best effort just like you’re doing it for God.

I saw him sitting on the edge of his bed, feet dangling, arms crossed and me encouraging him, “Be kind.” Being kind is always the right choice. It’s how we make friends. It’s how we show people God loves them.

I saw him exhausted from not getting enough sleep and me reminding him, “Take care of your self.” God gave us this one body, this one life. It’s your choice to do things, like go to the dentist, eat your veggies, and get alone with God so you can be the best you God made you to be.

I saw him sitting at the kitchen table wrestling with hard choices and me advising him, “Remember who you are.“ Open the door for ladies. Look people in the eye and shake their hand. And above all else, never forget that God made you and He loves you, more than you will ever be able to fully understand. You are His.

Work hard.

Be kind.

Take care of yourself.

Remember who you are.

That’s what I wrote on my 3×5 notecard. That’s what my son will read in a few weeks.

Listen, I know my kids will never remember everything I say to them. Partly because I talk a lot! I’m sure a good portion has become white noise by now. But I do know there are a few things they will always remember because I have chosen to say them over and over and over again.

What few words do you want your kids to remember you saying? Think of your own words of wisdom and began saying them today and the next day and the next day. Your words will be a gift they will carry with them the rest of their lives. Even when they have packed up and moved away, your voice will still be there lovingly coaching them on.

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3 Small Group Options for Married Couples

by Ted Lowe

The great news is that most churches have small groups in one form or another. If that is true for your church, we suggest you integrate marriage curriculum in your existing small group structure. Whether you have an existing small group structure or not, here are a few relatively easy but effective ways to begin integrating small groups designed especially for married couples.

START ONE
Ask couples to give you five to eight weeks and you’ll provide them with the materials to help them focus on their marriage. Don’t be afraid to use the word experiment to calm their long-term commitment fears. These groups can meet anywhere: restaurants, on the church property, or in homes. The upside of meeting at the church is it relieves the discomfort of walking into a stranger’s house. However, meeting in homes has several distinct advantages. It’s more physically comfortable and inviting. It allows people to express their spiritual gift of hospitality. Plus, when people feel comfortable in a social setting, our experience has been that they tend to be more open relationally and theologically.

CHANGE ONE
At some point during the year, consider giving your existing small groups a break in their regular curriculum in order to focus on their marriage. You’re not requesting that these groups become a “marriage” small group forever; you’re simply encouraging them to change their focus for a short season. We realize some groups have been meeting so long they would rather die than change, and those groups may require a little special attention. (Or, you may choose to give those types no attention and spend your precious leadership time on those who are willing to change.)

HIGHLIGHT ONE
Every so often, there may be a prime small group experience that you want everyone to have. When that happens, you will need to draw people’s attention to it, highlight it in such a way that it really stands out. For instance, maybe you discover something designed not only for couples in crisis, but also for couples who want to make a good marriage great. (Who wouldn’t want that “universal” kind of experience for the married people in their church?) Well, we’ve found some relevant materials that do just that.

In an effort to help struggling couples, we consulted with three professionals who specialize in helping troubled marriages: Shawn Stoever, Ph.D.; Terry Hargrave, Ph.D.; and Sharon Hargrave, MAMFC. Together, they have created an incredible small group resource called 5 Days to a New Marriage . The title and content comes from their wildly successful four- to five-day marriage intensives. Many couples show up to these intensives legally separated or with divorce papers in hand; most leave totally changed. Two years after the intensive, four out of five participating couples are still together. However, this small group resource isn’t just for couples whose marriages are foundering; it’s for anyone who wants a stronger, healthier marriage.

We didn’t think we could re-create a better wheel, so we partnered with these incredible thinkers. Their work is now part of the MarriedPeople Strategy. We encourage churches to offer their small groups the 5 Days to a New Marriage material (which lasts 10 weeks). We continue to get positive feedback from users, including the fact that, once groups go through it, many couples get so much out of it that they want to step up and lead one the next time it’s offered.

(And if you are looking for additional Small Group studies, check out these.)

So there you have it, just a few ways to leverage small groups to pour into marriages. What ways have you seen small groups “work” at your church?

 

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

* This post is excerpted from Married People How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last by Ted Lowe and Doug Fields

 

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Practice Your Promise: Who Gets Your Best?

by Amanda Maguire

“I, Amanda, take you Jeff, to have and to hold from this day forward, for BETTER or for WORSE . . . ” What did I know about those two words then I was 22!

Jeff and I laugh. We are mostly amazed that many of us make the most life changing, single most important decision of all time when we are young and naive. At 22 when I said those vows, BETTER was beaches and sunshine and WORST was the common cold. 16 years later I know BETTER (and I know WORSE).

Some days the best I can be for my husband is a fake smile and maybe kiss on the cheek, because I’ve given my BETTER and best away to so many other people, place, and things that pull on me every second of every day.

At this season in our lives and marriage, with kids ages 6, 9 and 11, they are usually the #1 culprit of getting my best. By the time Jeff gets home from work, I have used up my patience and gentleness tank. My kind words are spent, and I have touched and pulled, held and picked up so many bodies, the last thing I need is more physical touch! My heart does desire time and talk and touch from my husband, it really does.

Some times I am BETTER than others. What I have noticed in those seasons and times that I am able to give my best, I have BETTER BOUNDARIES.

I’m connected to my Creator and I work backwards in my day. I try to think about how can I manage my day today so that I won’t be spent by the end of it. That might mean saying no to some play dates, a sporting event, even cooking dinner :).

I might not be able to stay after school to hang out with all my mom buddies, and I might just need to PLAN some down time for me and the kids on the couch watching a movie in the middle of the day so that I can be a nice human being for the one that I am suppose to love the most.

You probably have more energy than me, and can multi-task much better too. But my point is simple. So much of our day gets away from us and ends up getting the BEST of us. I pray for more BETTER days than WORSE for my marriage and yours. WORSE will happen, that’s a promise.

Be mindful of what’s stealing your BEST. Take it back! Fight for your BEST for your BETTER half!

 

 

Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor for 12 years and now the lead pastor of a church for the past 3 years. (It’s the same guy!) Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!

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Practice Your Promise: From This Day Forward

by Tim Walker

“to have and to hold”
“from this day forward”

what was your wedding day like?
was it Pinterest perfect, with . . .
personalized touches
candles
framed quotes lettered perfectly
burlap
and every petal perfectly in place?

or, if you’re like me, it was over 20 years ago when the church was decorated with flowers and rented candles.

whatever the setting, whether elegant or basic, there was one thing that you may not have noticed that was part of the setting.
something you may not have seen in the wedding photos.

a starting line.

on the day you stood beside your husband or wife, and said “I do,” many of us promised to have and to hold from when? from this day forward.

there’s more depth to those words than simply noting a point in time when you were agreeing to have and to hold. you were saying something significant, whether you realized it or not.

you were saying, “this is the line in the sand. this is the starting point.”
sure looking back is helpful at times.
our past relationships provide clues to how we’re wired, or wounded.

but you can’t walk with your head looking backward, and your body moving forward. okay, you can physically do it. but you’ll probably run into a wall, or a tree, or a manhole.

when you promised “from this day forward,” you were saying, “we are going in the same direction. my life is aligned with yours. when you stop, i’ll stop and wait. when you run, i’ll run with you. but from this point forward, we’ve moving forward.”

no rewind.
from this point on, our life begins.

sure, i know you have a past. so do i.
but the past is, well the past.
we are who we are, and we are moving forward.

we have history, but we’re building a new story.
from this day forward.

 

Tim Walker is a husband/dad/writer/blogger (timswords.com) and editor on the MarriedPeople team.

 

 

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Fight For Their Heart

Parents don’t usually post pictures of their kids on the second day of school.

That made me consider taking another set of pictures this year, one at about 6:30 PM every evening on that first week to show a side of our family that we may not be particularly excited to display.

Maybe it sends a more powerful message when we elevate those moments, too. We can show we are fond of them, fighting for them when we aren’t afraid to let the reality of the second day or the third or the twentieth day of school be truly known. I want my kids to know the messier things matter to me, and I’m not just proud of their good days, but proud of them on the days they struggle too.

Both of my kids came home after the first day of school completely happy, excited, and amped to do homework. Strange. But it’s true. It only took a few hours for the hangry-anxious-tension to surface.

Their first day of school photo says, “I’m happy, excited, and put together.”
We post it online like good parents and we affirm that we’re so proud of them for having it all right on the first day.

What they don’t see are the pictures of themselves and other kids with parents saying, “Look how messy life is now that school started and how much I love this kid who was courageous enough to face the things she feared.” I mean, why don’t we take a photo of the pile of papers on our counter and the lost shoe and the one piece of homework that no one in your family can understand, including the dog?

On the day after our successful first day of school, I saw an opportunity to tell my kids a different kind of story.

Our oldest lost her mind over her sister being in front of her on the bicycle during our evening bike ride. Our youngest flipped out because she doesn’t like the feeling of a shirt tucked in.

Here’s where I saw a chance to fight for their hearts, to exchange the “Everything is okay, you will be okay, you’re just tired, it’ll be better in the morning” conversation with another one:

“You know, I hear you. I love you. You’re mad, and your pain matters to me. You don’t have to be that smiling girl all of the time. I respect that, but let me help you work though it. Let me help you by showing you how fond I am of you even in the tougher moments.”

Kids need to know that fondness and admiration for them doesn’t diminish when the emotional wheels fall off. And they also need us to seek to know the real struggle that may be going on underneath.

Once we started talking and listening to our kids, my husband and I began to see other things going on under the surface.

For my oldest, her emotion really wasn’t about being first in a road race. It was more about not getting the teacher she had wanted. It was a big deal to her and she was hurt. She wrote in her notebook “never in my entire life will I have the chance to have Ms. Solano again.”

For my youngest, the shirt probably was a little scratchy. It was new and so were the shorts and the whole belt situation. Then, we threw her into a brand new Kindergarten environment where managing all of the new things is up to her. We are learning when she’s mad about how something feels, it’s usually because she is afraid of something else. She was worried she may not be able to go potty with her shirt tucked in, so she didn’t go the whole day.

As dramatic as they may seem, the pain of a kid’s moment is worth the inconvenience we feel when we help them work through it. That willingness leads to feelings of safety, stability, and love.

As parents, we have the opportunity to encourage and embrace our children in the middle of their messes and show them the love of God

So, what can we do to fight for their hearts this year?

• Start by taking pictures of them during the messy moments. Even if they are simply mental snap shots of the moments when you were proud of them for persevering through something “awful” “stressful” or “painful”.
• Tell a story of resilience and bravery that you’ve observed about them while they are going through something stressful.
• Show how fond you are of them, regardless of the circumstances they are in, by telling them what you like about them often.
• Give positive feedback about the future. Even though something may have happened in the past, it doesn’t have the right to control their future. Help them tell a new story.
• Have a sense of humor as a family when the wheels fall off. Take a photo of the laundry pile. Laugh when the cereal box empties on the floor. Find grace in the imperfections and throw it around like confetti.
• Brag that you get to be their parent. Tell them it feels good to have a kid who trusts you with all of their life, not just the good parts but the more difficult parts too.

Fight for their hearts on special days, and every day in between. Their hearts will thank you. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but one day when they get through something tough and they remember how you showed them the way, they might look up and say “thank you, thank you for fighting for my kid heart because it’s helped my adult heart have a lot of hope.”

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MarriedPeople Spotlight: Lenexa Baptist Church in KS

At the Orange Conference in April, we re-confirmed an important truth that we already knew—we have some amazing MarriedPeople partner churches. These marriage champions are taking the MarriedPeople resources and doing things that are above and beyond anything we dreamed about.

We want you to meet them. So once a month, we’ll spotlight a different church that is impacting not only the marriages in their church, but in their community. We want you to meet people from churches of all sizes, large and small, in various types of communities, whether urban, rural or suburban, with budgets big and small and volunteers plenty or scarce. Regardless of how different these churches may be from yours, we think you’ll find some relevancy to where you are.

We gave them a list of questions to find out more about their church, their team and their ministry. This month, we would like to introduce you to Jodi Knappen at Lenexa Baptist Church in Kansas.

Church: Lenexa Baptist Church in Lenexa, KS 
MarriedPeople champion: Jodi Knappen

Size of church: over 5,000 members
Approximate number of married couples: Approximately 75% of church membership

Describe the area you are in: Our main campus location is in the suburbs. We have 4 other locations across the city.

Tell Us About . . . You and Your Team

I am part-time.  I support one of our full-time Family Pastors.

How did you get involved in marriage ministry? It is part of my job—which I love! There is such a need to assist, equip and come alongside married couples of the church

How many people are on your marriage ministry team (including you)? Two, although I have several volunteers that assist with special events.

How did you recruit your team? I think about those who share the same heart for this ministry and seek them out to serve.

What are the demographics of the couples in your church?
We are about even in all of the following categories:
• young marrieds
• retirees
• parents with kids
• couples without kids

Tell Us About . . . How You Use the MarriedPeople Resources and Strategy

What resources do you use from MarriedPeople? We use the Strategy Pack, Larger Group Experiences, Small Group Resources, Date Nights and the monthly MarriedPeople E-ZINEs.

How do you use them? In what settings? Events, Sunday school, small groups, date nights

How do you communicate with your couples? Bulletin, emails and our church website

Does your marriage ministry have a social media presence? We do, both on Facebook and Twitter. But is part of the whole church media presence.

Do you encourage/invite couples from the community to your marriage events? Yes

How do you reach couples outside your church? Social media and word of mouth. We also place info at local coffee shops, stores in area, etc.

Give us an example of how you took a MarriedPeople resource and “made it your own.”
At our last Night Out we had over 200 couples—ranging from those who have been married for 60 years to newly married of three weeks. We had a photo booth during the event which was a huge hit! Each couple got two copies and we gave the charge to each husband/wife to put it where each day you can see it to remember the evening.

What has been your biggest success so far? Large Group Married People Night Out. Core 4, Habits of a Great Marriage.  We’ve had so many couples say it was the best event they have attended. They had no idea what to expect since it was the first event like this that we have hosted. They can’t wait for the next one this Fall.  I loved that we had a wide range of ages/length of marriages and all loved it!  We made it a fun evening where they could relax, laugh, enjoy great food and prizes and free childcare! Many people invited their neighbors. We also had older parents bringing their married children to double date to the event!

What has been your biggest challenge? Getting events scheduled on an overloaded calendar.

What’s your dream to happen next? I want to establish a set calendar for future MarriedPeople events in the next 2 years at our church and do more long range planning.

Thanks Jodi and the awesome group of volunteers impacting marriages in Lenexa, Kansas!

Are you a MarriedPeople partner who would like to share with others the great things that are happening through your marriage ministry? If so, email us at info@marriedpeople.org for info on how to share your story.

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Capturing Teachable Moments

We recently purchased a new car. Previously, I drove a small sedan. Now, because we are adopting a fourth child, my husband and I decided it was time to bite the bullet and go for the gas chugging SUV. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Why is she telling me about her new car?” It’s an important detail only because it means that my family now sits higher on the road. It means we have a bird’s eye view of what is happening in the cars around us. It means when a teen couple is making out in the car beside ours, my 13-year-old son looks on wide eyed.

My first instinct was to shift to park and cover Micah’s eyes, to protect his purity. Then my son spoke, “Mom, why are they doing that? Don’t they know we can see them?” In that moment, I realized I could squander or seize the opportunity. I also understood the magnitude of my words. I could talk about God’s plan for intimacy and sex, how it should be reserved for marriage, a notion that is more than a decade away, or I could get real with my son about the temptations he will face in the near future.

With every bone in my body screaming out to shield my son’s innocence, I took a breath, said a popcorn prayer, and carefully led into a conversation about the challenges of dating.

It wasn’t a perfect conversation. I’m sure I could have phrased things better, but there was no BETTER TIME to talk about sex, dating, and rock n’ roll. Well…rock n’ roll was on the radio, but the discussion was surprisingly easy and straightforward. I realized, more than anything, my son needed the reassurance he had a safe place to bring his questions.

If you’re reading this looking for five easy steps to initiate a conversation with your child about the tough stuff he or she will face, you should know, there’s no full-proof formula. However, I’ve learned there are a few ways to capture the teachable moments and make the most of them.

Seize the Opportunity

Teachable moments don’t always occur at convenient times. With only 10 minutes until we reached our destination, it wasn’t an opportune moment to discuss my son’s budding sexuality, but it was the RIGHT moment.

God has already placed everything within you that you will need to parent your child in the current season. Even if you don’t feel like it, you are equipped for any exchange and all circumstances. Leave yourself open to seize conversational opportunities as they arise with your child.

Identify the Underlying Issues

When Micah asked why the couple in the car next to ours was kissing, he wasn’t asking about the changes he’s experiencing as a result of puberty. He didn’t necessarily want to talk about what it means to be a virgin or how far is too far to go with his girlfriend. He just wanted to know why they were kissing in plain sight.

I could have avoided the underlying issue and shelved the conversation for another time. It’s what I would have preferred, but that small and seemingly insignificant question opened the door for a conversation I had been expecting for some time. Your impact as a parent is determined by your ability to anticipate your child’s emotional needs. Be ready to go where the conversation leads and willing to push through to the underlying issues.

Speak from a Place of Experience and Sincerity

Every parent wishes the best for his or her child. We don’t want our children to make the same mistakes we made. We want to spare them pain and consequence. Often times we approach our kids from a place of superiority and spirituality, but those methods rarely make a lasting impression. Kids love stories. They want to hear how you’ve faced something similar. They need to know you too have made mistakes.

When you approach your child from a place of experience and sincerity, it makes it easier to relate to you. Children are vulnerable. It’s why we protect them at all costs. It’s the reason we have car seat laws and a minimum drinking age. Vulnerabilities create unity when shared. I challenge you to offer up your own experience as an example for your child.

I find myself repeating phrases my mom and dad said to me as a child. I don’t remember the time, place, or circumstance in which they were spoken, but I know my parents never shied away from tough conversations. As a result, I’ve carried these significant life lessons into adulthood and parenthood.

The weight of parenting is never more apparent than when you are faced with an unexplainable situation or an unanswerable question. It’s also never more crucial. When teachable moments arise, push aside your parenting insecurities and step into the opportunity God has provided you.

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7 Rules to Prevent Infidelity

* by Dave Willis

I’ve lived through the tragedy of seeing loved ones, respected leaders and close friends wreck their marriages through a single act of infidelity. Whenever I hear the tragically familiar story of another couple caught in the aftermath of adultery, it’s a wakeup call for me. I want to do everything in my power to prevent infidelity, because I’m convinced that without the proper safeguards, it could happen to anybody.

I know that my marriage, my family, my ministry and my credibility as a advocate for stronger marriages could be instantly shot with one single act of infidelity. I refuse to allow that to happen, and I know I can’t rely solely on my willpower or good intentions to affair-proof my marriage and YOU shouldn’t either!

Below are 7 Laws of Fidelity I’ve adopted to safeguard my marriage. These might seem drastic to you, but I don’t think there can be any lengths too great when it comes to protecting a marriage. If you’ll commit to these in your own marriage, you’ll be instantly protecting your marriage, your reputation and your legacy from the scars adultery can cause.

These “Rules” are NOT motivated by a lack of trust in my marriage; they’re motivated by a deep respect for my wife and for the sacredness of marriage.

1.  I never meet alone with a woman other than my wife. I never meet up for coffee or lunch with any woman other than my wife (or my mom) unless it’s a group setting. I’m never in public or in private alone with a woman. This policy protect me from temptation, it honors my wife, Ashley, AND it protects my reputation. Even in a counseling situation with a woman (which I try to avoid), I make sure to keep my door open. I don’t want to create a scenario where whispers of improper conduct could even be entertained.
2. Whenever I send a text message to a woman, I copy my wife. There have been some work-related texts where I’ve overlooked this rule, but nearly every time I send a text message to a female other than my wife or my mom, I copy my wife on the message. This simultaneously keeps Ashley in the loop about everything I’m doing and it also sends the clear message to Ashley and everyone else in my life that we have a marriage with no secrets.
3. I share ALL my passwords. I don’t have a password or a PIN that Ashley doesn’t know. There are no hidden accounts, hidden emails, burner cell phones or anything else that would be off limits to my wife. Other than a few surprise birthday parties and gifts, we have a “Secret Free Guarantee.” In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies.
4. I don’t watch porn or sexually-explicit content. Porn is an act of mental infidelity. I share my personal story (I used to be hooked on porn) and some compelling stats on pornography in my popular post on “The Truth about Porn” which you can read by clicking here. Even in R-rated movies or shows where there’s a scene of gratuitous nudity or strong sexual content, I’ll look away out of respect for my wife. I want to remain constantly vigilant of the fact that infidelity never starts in a bedroom; it always starts in the mind.
5. I give “side hugs.” This might seem cheesy, but it’s also very important. Some people hug members of the opposite sex with full frontal assault that can border on an act of illegal groping. I never want physical touch to be misconstrued in any way, so even with close female friends, I try to stick with the side hug.
6. I don’t engage in ongoing dialogues with women on social media. With the nature of what I do, I get hundreds of emails and Facebook messages per week. I do my best to respond, but whenever a female seems to want to engage in an ongoing dialogue, I cut it off out of respect for my wife. Many affairs start by crossing lines on social media. You and your spouse may need to create a social media set of “rules” and boundaries to protect each other and your marriage.
7. I make time together with my wife a priority. Affair-proofing your marriage isn’t just about “defense” (eliminating unhealthy behaviors). It’s also about being proactive when it comes to investing in your marriage. Ashley and I are always looking for ways to spend time together and invest in our relationship and creating resources to help other couples do the same. Don’t let your marriage get stuck on autopilot, or else there’s a good chance it will crash someday! Keep investing into your relationship with each other!

* Dave Willis is the Founder of the facebook Marriage Page (http://ift.tt/1n16dFL) and the Co-Founder of OneBigChurch.com which is a global, collaborative network of churches and ministry leaders.

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The Magic Glue of Marriage

by Casey and Meygan Caston,  founders of Marriage 365

The best thing about being married is that I get to do life with my best friend!

We talk late into the night, play card games, retell stories of life when we were first married, and talk about our highs and lows from the day. We love trying new places to eat, taking fitness classes and working out together, dreaming about our future.  We talk about how cute our kids are, share how we feel about, well, just about everything, and try to put in a good word about something that we love about each other.  We are best friends and this relationship is our place of safety in a chaotic world, a place to find rest and security and comfort.

At the heart of every great marriage is friendship.

John Gottman did a seminal research project on marriage in the Marriage Lab at the University of Washington.  His team spent over 30 years studying marriages with a scientific approach.  His key discovery was that the core ingredient of a successful marriage is… friendship!

These are people that not only love each other… they like each other!

How would you rate your friendship with your spouse at this time?  If you feel like your spouse is more of a roommate, then its time to start dating your mate again.  Start with retelling how you first met.  What was it that turned you on, what attracted you to each other.  Did you journal about this, read it… read it to your spouse. What are your shared dreams and visions for the future?

Here’s some ideas to get you started:

Play a game– cards games and board games can bring needed laughter to your relationship… winner gets a foot massage!

Take up a new hobby– do something new that you’re both excited about.

Try working out together– those that sweat together stay together.

Take our Marriage365 walk challenge— go on a walkie-talkie!

Play hooky– call in sick and make plans to escape for the day together

 Find practical ways to cultivate that friendship you once had!

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The Secret to Managing Your Emotions

* by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

Scientists call it “metamood.” It’s the ability to pull back and recognize that “what I’m feeling is anger,” or sorrow, shame or whatever. It’s a difficult skill because our emotions so often appear in disguise. A person in mourning may know she is sad, but she may not recognize that she is also angry at the person for dying – because this seems somehow inappropriate.

A parent who yells at the child who ran into the street is expressing anger at disobedience, but the degree of anger may owe more to the fear the parent feels at what could have happened.

The boss who feels attacked by an employee’s question about a new policy may be completely unaware that the innocent question seems aggressive to him only because his father used to ask the same kinds of things to point out his shortcomings.

You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings. –Pearl S. Buck

Not recognizing how we really feel is one of the most common and troubling blind spots we have as human beings.

When we don’t see how we really feel, our emotions start to manage us rather than the other way around. We begin to mask our emotions, literally.

We may be ticked off at our spouse who’s late in meeting us at an appointed time, but if anger is too threatening, we simply smile and ignore our churning stomach. Later that evening, we find ourselves snapping at our spouse for no good reason at all. And only later wondering: Where did that come from?

When we don’t acknowledge our true emotions we give up our ability to control them. They bleed into other areas of our life where they have no right to be.

Reflect and Respond: What emotion do you need to acknowledge you’re feeling – an emotion you may not want to admit is there?

 

*Les and Leslie. A husband-and-wife team who not only share the same name, but the same passion for helping others build healthy relationships. In 1991, the Parrotts founded the Center for Relationship Development on the campus of Seattle Pacific University – a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships.

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Practice Your Promise: To Have and To Hold

When babies and toddlers, and even younger kids are unsure, tired, scared, hurt, upset, even scared, they will say to those they trust, “Hold me,” or as my daughter use to say to me, “Hold you.”

When a little one says, “Hold me,” they don’t care what time it is, where it is or who’s watching—they just want to be held.

Now that my kids are older, I miss the simplicity of having moments when I can comfort them in one moment by simply picking them up and holding them.
There seems to be something hardwired into our relational DNA to want to be held when we are young. But we grow out of it . . . or do we?

At the beginning of most of our wedding vows, most of us promised “to have and to hold.” While that vow seems to be a small one to get the ball rolling for the biggie vows, I think it is a biggie itself.

In those moments when our spouse is unsure, tired, hurt, upset or even scared, they need us to hold them. Hold them physically? Sometimes yes. Hold them by being *slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to become angry? Always yes. But like a child, our spouse will only come to us to be held, if they trust us; if they have the experience that we are safe . . . no matter what.

Our vow to have and to hold is contingent on nothing. It is no matter what I will have and hold you. It’s beautiful when you see it in other marriages and even more beautiful when you experience in your own.

• Your spouse loses a loved one, and they have that fall apart moment. All you do is hold them and let them cry. No words, no fixing it. Just to have and to hold.
• Your spouse is furious with people from work. They come through the door telling the world about it, telling no one about it. You sit near the rant and you listen. They know you are listening. No “my day was tougher than yours.” Just to have and to hold.
• Your spouse looks in the mirror and they are frustrated with what they see. Their body is different from your wedding day, but is almost as familiar as your own. That makes her beautiful. That makes him handsome. And you tell them so. No mush. No lie. Just to have and to hold.

When an otherwise independent toddler gets hurt, they seek out and find their parent in a split second. When your spouse needs to be held, is it you that they automatically look for? If so, beautiful. If not, don’t beat yourself up. Marriage can be tough and we can get tougher.

It’s not too late. Try a hold even when they may not “need” one. Be kind. Be gentle. Be patience. Be solid. Be safe. Be the one they want to have and to hold.
(* James 1:19)

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

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Technology Tip : You’re Not A Doctor

Today, we’re introducing a new series of technology tips. Short clips that give you a little insight into how you, as a parent, can navigate this new world of technology.

Technology Tip : You’re Not A Doctor

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Impact Marriages, Impact Families

by Adam Roberson

Do you ever look at your spouse and remember what it felt like to fall in love with them? Remember what it was like to feel your whole world light up when they called and to feel those little butterflies swooping through your stomach at just the thought of them walking through the door? It’s an amazing feeling. The question is, what happened to it?

What happened to the light headed happiness that only comes from spending time with your best friend in the entire world?
Life happened!

Bills happened. Jobs happened. Kids happened. Responsibility happened. And all those necessary, and even wonderful, things pulled just a little bit more of your attention towards their call and away from the love and bond you share with your spouse. What was once new and novel became habit and you began to take the one you love most for granted.

Chances are, this is the real lives of many of your parents and volunteers who walk through the doors of your church every week. The best thing you can do for your family ministry environments is to focus your time and energy on the marriages involved. When you have healthy marriages, you have healthy family ministry environments.

We, at Rock Point in Chattanooga, are constantly trying to find way to build healthy marriages. We do this in two major ways:

1. We have a quarterly Married Life Date Night. We provide free childcare at the church to allow the couple to have a three-hour date.
2. We provide Access Groups (short-term small groups) for couples focusing on their marriage. We provide a mentor couple that will take 6-8 couples through a topical marriage study.

We value marriage and believe it provides us will not only healthy environments, but healthy couples who lead in those environments week by week.

The best thing you can do for your family ministry environments is to figure how you can incorporate healthy marriages in your environments.

What are some things your church is doing to impact the marriages of the families involved in your ministries?

 

Adam Roberson is the Director of Family Ministry and Married Life at Rock Point Church in Chattanooga, Tennessee. He loves creating irresistible environments for families to connect with their heavenly Father. Adam and his wife Monica were married in 2006 and have three children, Jackson, Beckham and Evelyn. 

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How to Be Okay When “Baby” Goes to Kindergarten

Last week, my oldest child started kindergarten.

I’ve never had my whole life flash before my eyes, but that morning, when we pulled up to the school for the first time, his whole life flashed before my eyes.

His baby fuzz and wrist rolls suddenly gave way to little boy knobs and angles. Just like that.

In the days and weeks leading up to the big day, I had been repeatedly asked, “How are you doing?” As often as I’d been asked, I’d come to actually believe the answer I was giving. “As long as he’s okay, I’m okay,” I recited.

But then I watched him walk confidently and assuredly up the sidewalk and towards his classroom. I wrapped him up in a hug and got my kiss, I observed him turn to face this new frontier and it hit me.

He was okay. More than okay.

And I, well, I wasn’t.

Luckily, I dropped him off and got back to my car without melting into a puddle of tears. Part of that was due to the excess of tears already cried in expectation of this moment. But it was also because that day I started to realize how I handled this milestone didn’t just matter for me. It mattered for him. I started to see how I behave communicates what I believe is true about the world he’s heading into.

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How we behave communicates what we believe is true about the world our kids are heading into.
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In 2013, I watched Stephen Colbert—who lost his dad and two older brothers closest in age to him in a tragic plane crash when he was ten—win an Emmy. His acceptance speech has stuck with me all this time. “I want to thank my mom,” he began, “for not worrying about me and believing I’d be okay.”

If ever a mom had reason to worry and earned the right to be fearful, anxious and nervous, it was her. In one day she lost her husband two of her boys. But under the most challenging circumstances, she made a choice. She decided her worry wouldn’t set the tone. Her fear wouldn’t drive her decisions. Her anxiety wouldn’t rule her behavior.

Her son had learned, along with her, terrible things happen in the world and life is hard. It’s full of challenges that seem insurmountable and weightier than we feel equipped to handle. But by watching his mom, he learned what to do, how to behave, and who to believe in light of it.

For me, as a mom sending my firstborn into kindergarten, the world out there seems big and scary and full of anxiety producing scenarios. And since worry is a mother’s native tongue, defaulting to what comes easiest, and talking and behaving with worry setting the course feels like second nature.

But if I did that, I would be missing out, and I would be selling Asher short. Because I would never hear my boy grow up to say, “Thanks. . . For not worrying about me. For believing I’d be okay. For showing me, not there’s nothing to worry about, but that worry doesn’t have to get the final say. And as scary as the world may be, I don’t have to be afraid.”

In light of my fears and Asher’s impending independence, it’s important I learn my lesson now. My son is watching and observing to see what my beliefs and my behavior say about the world. I want him to know I believe in a God bigger than the world’s scariness and sturdier than our well-constructed worries.

Our kids will be fine. Not because of anything we did. But because every day, as they move farther from our reach, we are reminded of Whose they are and how impossibly much they are loved by the One who gave them to us in the first place.

It’s a learning process, I think. Two weeks in, I still tear up a bit dropping my little buddy off at school. I’m sure I’ll always have my moments. But as long as I keep it together enough to see him walk confidently and assuredly into a future for his taking, I think we’ll be just fine.

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Practice Your Promise

by Ted Lowe

This spring I was going for a run on a popular trail in our area, I saw custom made signs every 20-30 yards from a boy to a girl asking her to the prom. It was obvious these signs took this guy some effort. As I’m running, I’m thinking, I sure hope for this guy’s sake this girls says, yes. If not, he’s going to need to process this with a professional.

I mentioned what I had seen to a few friends and they informed me that prom proposals were now a huge deal, so I googled around a bit . . . they were right! Who knew? I bet these guys grow up to put great effort into their marriage proposals.

I get that, because I went to pretty crazy lengths to ask Nancie to marry me. (That’s a story for another day.) Then comes the actual wedding. It wasn’t so long ago that everyone’s wedding looked the same with the exceptions of slight tweaks of style to wedding attire. Not now. Couples are freed up to get married wherever they choose like barns, hot-air balloons, underwater . . . all carefully crafted with what my wife calls “Pinterest” pressure.

Oh and what about the receptions? No more is a first dance as husband and wife or a father/daughter dance enough, now they are more carefully choreographed than a Super Bowl half time show.

While all these relational launches can seem a bit much, there is something great about them. People are symbolically shouting in a jaded culture, “We have mammoth hope for our marriage!” Through these giant spectacles they are in essence saying, “We don’t care about the stats and the world-weary view of marriage. We believe that our relationship will be great and will last a lifetime. So take your ball and chain, serial marriage rhetoric and go far, far away!”

Yes, couples STILL long for a lifetime of love like the one in the movie, Up. That’s right, couples still have gargantuan hope for their marriage. And personally, I think that is great, great news. I also believe more than ever that they can have what they hoped for on their big days. We can too. We just have to practice in the every day what we promised on the big day.

You have to practice your promise. Whether you wrote your own vows or used the traditional vows, you, I, promised some pretty amazing things. And every day, we are given the opportunity to bring laughter, respect and love into our spouse’s lives. (PAUSE. Think about this.) We have to be so intentional with how we treat our spouse because they trusted us with much of the happiness of their lives. Not that we replace God in any way, but God certainly wants to use us most to show how He loves them. Again, if our spouse is going to experience what it is like to be really loved, in large part, it is going to be because we choose to love them in a big way. What an honor. What a responsibility. And while on our wedding days, we may have been naive about how easy it was going to be to have a great lifetime together, we were spot on when we empathically knew we could have a great lifetime together.

So for the remainder of 2015, every Friday, we are going to take a look at what it means to practice what we promised, turning our big day into the days we hoped they would be. And you if you do anything stellar, make sure you post it on social media with #mpdates. (After all it doesn’t really happen unless it gets posted, right?)

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

 

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Finding a Kid’s Spark

Kara Powell, Executive director of Fuller Youth Institute and author of Sticky Faith, talks with Kristen Ivy and Reggie Joiner in this episode of Parent Cue Live about how to support kids in what lights them up and helping them develop their unique skills and abilities.

Listen to Parent Cue Live

The Parent Cue Live podcast is available on iTunes! Click here to subscribe and get each episode automatically!

To listen to this episode, click the player below (If you’re reading this via email or RSS, please click here).

Highlights

In this episode, Reggie, Kristen, and Kara discussed:

• understanding how to see a kid’s potential
• sparks: a kid’s passions, abilities, or interests
• the importance of letting a kid explore a variety of things when they are younger
• developing a wide base of experiences without overloading your family’s schedule
• helping kids discover what they’re good at
• ways to battle the perception of favoritism – listen, validate, clarify, & shift interaction

Quotes

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Only 55% of kids feel like they have an adult who takes an interest in what is important to them.
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We have a tendency to see our kids do something wrong instead of seeing them do what is right.
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In parenting, the days are long, but the years are short.
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Resources

• Sticky Faith
• Fuller Youth Institute
• Phase Project
• Experiment in public schools – Catch Them Doing It Right
• Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family

Links

• Kara on Twitter: @KPowellFYI
• Reggie on Twitter: @ReggieJoiner
• Kristen on Twitter: @Kristen_Ivy

Parent Cue

• Twitter: @theparentcue
• Instagram: @parentcue
• Facebook: fb.com/parentcue

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The best way to do that is to rate the podcast in iTunes and leave us a review! Your rating and review helps gets the podcast in front of new parents and listeners.

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5 Tips When Communicating with Men

by Ron Edmondson

In my position, I hear from men and women continually. In most relationships — communication appears to be the biggest struggle. It’s a constant work in progress in my own marriage. The difficulty is in the way men and women communicate.

My counseling background and years of experience working with couples has given me insight into some of the barriers men and women face when communicating. I realize not all men are alike — and these are generalities. I can’t emphasize that enough — so if you comment that these aren’t true for everyone — I am with you! (Please re-read this statement.) The only way to know is to talk with the men with whom you are trying to communicate to see if these are true for them. My hope is that these — as general as they may be — may help some women better understand a man and improve communication.

Here are 5 tips to communicating with a man:

1) We meant what we said. Often not what you heard. – That is true 99% of the time. (Statistically verifiable. ) Men are usually more literal, and frankly simple-minded. Women may have multiple meanings with a statement. That’s less likely with men. So, when a man says something, try to hear only what was said — without attaching extra thoughts triggered by emotions. If in doubt, ask if his statement had a deeper meaning before making assumptions. Most likely he meant only nothing more than what was said. (I can’t tell you how many classic examples of marriage problems I’ve seen develop with just this one tip.)

2) We don’t often like to give details. – If we said where we were going, who we had a discussion with or what we had for lunch, that’s usually enough for us. End of discussion. (At least in our minds.) We may not like going into detail beyond those simple facts. I understand you may need and even deserve more information. That’s especially true when a man has given reason to disprove his trustworthiness. In learning how to communicate, however, it’s important to know details may be out of his realm of comfort to provide. When it’s not a matter of trust, the less you pump for details the more likely he will be to share facts, and even occasionally, details. (For Cheryl and me, she has learned that if she gives me time, and especially if we are doing something together — like walking — that I’m more likely to share the details she wants without having to ask for them.)

3) Our range of emotions are limited. – Most men don’t feel as deeply or multi-faceted as a woman feels about an issue. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s just that we are wired differently. Because of this, men tend to communicate more factually and less emotionally. If you ask us how we feel “happy” or “sad” may be as descriptive as we can get for you. That may be it. I’ve heard so many wives who want to know their husbands “deeper” emotions. She may not understand that he’s shared the depth as well as he knows how to share them.

4) When you may tend to cry we may tend to get angry. – I get criticized for this point sometimes, but it’s a difference in wiring. Please understand, there is never an excuse to misuse anger and abuse of any kind should not be tolerated. But anger in itself is not a sin. The Bible says “in your anger do not sin”, but it seems to assume we will have moments of anger. The same things that may cause female’s emotions to produce tears, often cause a man to develop anger. A godly man learns to handle that anger responsibly, but it doesn’t eliminate the response. When an issue riles a man emotionally, it helps if you understand his emotions may be normal and you may even be able to help him channel his response to that emotion. Cheryl does this for me continually.

5) Sometimes we have a hard time communicating what’s on our heart. Often, we never fully do. – This is sad and we may even know it. Here’s a tip. When you make us feel we will be respected regardless of the emotions we display, the more likely you’ll see our true emotions.

Please understand. I’m not making excuses for men. The basic premise of all of these is to remember that men and women are different. I’m simply trying to help you communicate with a man.

Men, what did I miss?

 

Ron Edmondson is a husband, dad, pastor, church planter and church growth/organizational leadership consultant in Lexington, KY. Check out Ron’s blog for great leadership advice. 

This article is reposted with permission, and originally appeared here.

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