3 Ways to Surround Your Marriage With The Right People

I stumbled on a 2010 article from CNN entitled, “Could you be, ‘infected’ by a friend’s divorce?” Studies reveal the answer to that question is . . . ABSOLUTELY.

James H. Fowler, professor of political science at the University of California, San Diego, said: “Not only can the risk of divorce spread from one couple to their friends or family, it can also affect relationships at least two degrees of separation away from the original couple splitting up.” The article also stated: “People who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact.”

I’ve worked with married couples for 13 years, and I wasn’t surprised by these findings in the least. I’ve never met anyone who decided, in isolation, to get a divorce. They find people around them to agree with them that they somehow deserve or need or must get a divorce. While there are cases in which this may be true, for a large majority of couples, divorce is not the answer. Paul in Colossians 2:8 warns us this way: “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ.”

I don’t highlight this article and this passage to suggest you avoid family and friends who have gotten a divorce, although I do suggest you get marital advice from people whose marriages are winning. I highlight this article and this passage to encourage you to surround marriage with people who want your marriage to succeed. Here are three ways to surround your marriage with people who want your marriage to win:

• Get in a small group- Whether in a small group or Sunday school class, surround yourself with other couples who believe in having a growing marriage that lasts until death do you part.
• Find a married person who is “down the road.” Find someone whose marriage you respect and buy them food, coffee, or baseball tickets so you can pick their brain on what it takes to have a great marriage.
• Read some good stuff. There are many blogs and books that can empower and encourage your marriage. Read them on a regular basis.

Be careful who speaks into your marriage; be sure you are not taken “captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy” by even well meaning friends and family. Be captive and captivated by God’s way for marriage and people who believe marriage is supposed to be great and is designed to last a lifetime.

Who are the people in your life who want your marriage to win?

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Parenting Is Powerful

“I’m just texting to say ‘I quit’.”

This was the message I sent my husband a couple of weeks ago when I was home with the boys, ready to lose my mind. He called me a few minutes later, a smile in his voice, to find out what exactly I was quitting.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I whined. “Everything. Motherhood.”

It had been a rough day, although, I may have been exaggerating things slightly. My husband was working late, and that coupled with a high decibel level of noise from my boys and their selective hearing that conveniently excluded the sound of my voice. . . well, my nerves were shot.

But it was more than that. That day brought to my attention what was been becoming more obvious to me recently. Our kids are becoming people . . . with opinions, intuitions, and the ability to notice and call out inconsistencies.

For example:

The day where I was on the verge of handing in my two weeks notice on the parenting gig, I may have let my tone communicate frustration and my face show exasperation. Personally, I hadn’t really noticed. Don’t worry though, my five-year-old did.

“Mom,” he innocently began, “I feel like that tone you are using is a little mean.” He had a point. The rule of, how we say something mattering just as much as what we say, was coming back to bite me.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

As a president, Lincoln knew something about power. But as a parent, he did too. Because there may be no other role we’re given more power than as a parent—to shape hearts, to mold character, to lay a foundation for a life that will ultimately grow away from ours, but will always have its origin with us.

Parenting is powerful. Especially at the stage when our kids become mirrors of our own character, where they see the power we hold, and call us on it when we’re lazy with it or behave more like tyrants than moms and dads.

The older our kids get, the more we have to hone our skills and practice what we preach. When we don’t, they pick up on the disparities. They aren’t looking for us to fail, but they are watching to see if what we are so insistent in telling them matters, really matters—enough for us to act on and not just command.

That was why I texted my husband that day. Handling power is hard. And I was getting it wrong.

As parents, we are the most powerful people in our houses. We make the rules, we create the consequences, we enforce the discipline. And as master of our domain, we can exclude ourselves from the household standard of conduct.

When speaking to leaders, Andy Stanley will sometimes ask this question: “What do you do when you are the most powerful person in the room?”He goes on to tell the story of Jesus, the night of the Last Supper, getting down on the ground, filling a bowl of water, and using a thin rag, to wash the feet of those he loved.

Power can make us a bully, but love can make us a leader worth following—one who serves, lowers herself, and submits himself to the governing law of the land.

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Humbling yourself under the rules you make is hard. It means you aren’t the ultimate authority anymore. It means you elevate a law higher than yourself—a law of love. And it means you say, “I’m sorry” when you realized power trumped love and you fell short.

But power and love in equal measure, in harmony is an effective combination—the best combination when it comes to raising and influencing kids.

So yes, power will test character, but power used well, will grow character too.—the whole family’s. And in the end, it will lessen the number of days you want to throw in the towel. Now that’s a real win.

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Guarding Your Marriage

by Dena Yohe

Crisis of any kind can put a marriage at risk. It is a treasure that must be carefully guarded. Crisis comes to parents in many forms. Our biggest one was when our daughter began getting in trouble with alcohol and drugs in high school. Our painful journey continued for years. It would include self-injury, mental illness, sexual assault, suicide attempts and rehabs – the perfect storm for marriage trouble. In times like these disagreements and conflicts increase. Irritability, misunderstandings and blame occur frequently. Grief, confusion and helplessness consume. 

“Crisis of any kind can put a marriage at risk.”

My husband had heard these words of wisdom and warning in a college class, before he was ever married. He remembered them when we needed them most. We took them to heart.

What can you do to guard your marriage when you have a rebellious child?

We determined we would be more intentional about our relationship.

Here are eight things we did that helped:

1. Make time for fun. Plan a weekly date. Declare it a “no prodigal zone” not talking about your child.
2. Take turns being the bad guy. Don’t let one parent always give the discipline or have the hard conversations.
3. Put your marriage first, not you child. One day they will move on and you will be left with each another.
4. Memorize and practice these statements. “You may be right.” “What do you need from me right now?”  “I’m not the enemy.”
5. Divorce is not an option. Remove the word from your vocabulary. Agree to never threaten it in the heat of the moment. This gives security.
6. Forgive each other for mistakes and failures. No one is perfect. Give grace. We both need it – a lot.
7. Be a united front. Don’t disagree in your child’s presence. Work out differences privately, ahead of time, so your child can’t drive a wedge between you or play you against each other.
8. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to “fix” each other. When sharing feelings, offer a listening ear and an understanding heart.

 

Which one of these will you to start doing? What would you add to this list?

These Scriptures encouraged us:

“Two are better than one . . . If either of them falls down, one can help the other up”  (Ecclesiastes 4:9).

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails”  (I Corinthians 13:4-8).

 

Dena Yohe began Hope for Hurting Parents with her husband in 2011 where their mission is to encourage hurting parents in their journey from pain to peace. Dena and her husband Tom have been married over 36 years. They have three adult children and two grandchildren.

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Let Him Think

by Shaunti Feldhahn

 

Wives, let your husband think things through before pressing to talk.

Recently at an event, a woman told me, “I’m so frustrated at my husband. He’s a great guy, but I feel like he’s an avoider. The minute I bring up something hard, he refuses to talk about it. Like this morning. He wouldn’t agree to challenge the kids’ teacher about something she is doing, and I was telling him all the reasons I think we should, but then he wouldn’t even talk about it to explain his reasoning!”

Most of us women can empathize, right? When you are upset and need to process something, including something going on with your husband, your gut reaction is to pour out the streams of thoughts and all the pros and cons, and the many conversations that are playing in your head, and get feedback from your man as you go.

But in all my research, what I’ve learned that is true for most men is this: Don’t be surprised if you are met by glazed eyes instead. Or even a look that says, “I’m about to run for the hills. Or at least the TV room.”

It can be terribly frustrating when you want to talk things out and he seems to be avoiding it. It can feel like resistance to your view or, worse, like laziness. Or even a complete disinterest in your concerns.

But before you assume that, consider whether it might be something else entirely. Something that is very, very common to men (though it certainly does not apply to all).

If you are like most women, you think things through by talking them through. All the connections between the left and right hemispheres of your brain probably make that your default way of processing something. And you can talk and think about many thoughts and feelings at the same time.

But the brains of most men (perhaps including yours!) are wired very differently. Although some men can jump right in there and “think out loud” with you, that is challenging for most men. In most cases, it is actively difficult for a guy to think something through by talking it through. And that includes thinking about what he is thinking. Yes, you read that right! In a difficult conversation, when he’s challenged to explain what he’s thinking, he may not know what he’s thinking yet. His brain needs to process it internally, first.

Even worse, if his wife presses him to talk before he’s had a chance to process it, or if there is a lot of emotion swirling, it becomes even more difficult for him to think things through. So he automatically feels a need to get even more distance.

In other words, in many cases, when he “escapes” to the TV room or goes for a drive, it isn’t to ignore or avoid the situation but to get space to process.

In emotional or challenging situations, it is easy to believe that your husband is an “avoider,” or just doesn’t care. But for many men, a delay in response comes because he does care. In order to give a good response – rather than a throwaway one — they want and need to process all aspects of the situation first. Including your feelings.
I shared this with the lady at the event that day, and said, “Do you think maybe he just needed to think about what to do first – and how to talk to you about it – before agreeing to a course of action?” She thought about it for a second, and then slowly nodded. “That could be it. I need to ask him.”

The best way to learn your man’s wiring is just to ask. But do it at some non-emotional time! For example some morning over coffee ask, “When we are in the middle of a conflict and you need time to process it, when do you usually feel able to talk about it? Does that mean a few hours later? The next day…?”

This also has the benefit of validating him. That he’s wired differently–and that’s ok.

Find out how your husband likes to communicate best, and you’ll be so much better prepared to work with his wiring rather than against it. And you’ll also find that a good resolution –and eventual conversation! — is much more likely.

 

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, and The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more information. 

Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.

 

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How Bad Moms Can Get a Win

Now, we all know we aren’t bad moms. Like, we’re not withholding meals as a form of punishment or locking our kids in closets for a week (not that we haven’t briefly contemplated that). But what I mean is, there are some of us who aren’t a mom’s mom.

In the American Literature classic, The Awakening, Adele Ratignolle is described as a “mother-woman.” A mother-woman is the mom who patiently sits in the floor and watches as their child tries to fit the square block through the square hole seventy-three times until they find success. A mother-woman gets out finger paint on the regular and doesn’t have an anxiety attack when it spills on clothes, counters, and floors. A mother-woman thrives solely off of caring, nurturing, and engaging with her children.

A mother-woman is who I’ve always wanted to be as a mom, but I am not mother-woman. I am not a mom’s mom.

Here are some confessions:

- I get bored during one-on-one play with my daughters. (Why can’t they just FOLLOW THE RULES OF A BOARD GAME, FOR THE LOVE?)

- I have to be intentional about leaving messes in my house long enough for my girls to actually play (“Mom, where’s the dollhouse toys I just got out?” Cue: Me, shrugging guiltily.)

- I have all these ideas I want to do for my girls, but rarely follow through on their execution. (I want to scrapbook, be room-mom, go to Mommy and Me Dance class, and keep elaborate potty charts, but who is going to clean the kitchen?)

Don’t get me wrong—I adore my girls. I find boundless joy in being their mom. I don’t take my role for granted, especially after dealing with fertility issues. My two girls hold my heart in the palm of their tiny, grubby hands. But the truth is, they didn’t get a mother-woman. They got me. Me, who loves writing. Who loves friendships. Who loves exercising. Who loves date nights. Me, who must intentionally slow down and engage with my children, lest I become a tornado of cleaning products, meetings, and take-out.

I am not a mother-woman, but I am who God chose. And I have to believe that being the best version of me—of the mom I am—is what He intended when He gave me Lilah and Ezzy.

So when looking for ways to serve my children, I looked at my skillset. What am I great at? What do I enjoy? Luckily for me, that’s a short list! Writing. I can write. I can serve my children through writing.

You want to know where I excel? Where I think I could truly reach Olympic levels of achievement? Texting. That’s right. (Please, hold your applause until the end of this blog, because I know you are writhing with admiration.) I have taken what many consider to be the armpit of this generation’s form of communication and gone pro in it.

So, I decided to take a shot at leveraging this affinity for my girls. I created Gmail accounts for both of them, and I entered them into my contacts list. Now, whenever they say something funny, or something awful that I think will be funny in a few years, or when I take a particularly cute video or picture, I simply text it to their email address.

I praise them in these messages. I try and speak life into their future lives. One day, I wrote out this whole conflict I had with a coworker and sent it to Lilah, because I can see we have similar people-pleasing tendencies. Essentially, I want these words over time to show my girls that my heart is for them. That they are loved immensely. Not just by me, but by their heavenly Father, too.

I want them to grow up and be whatever kind of mom God wants them to be. And I want the same for you and for me, too.

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Learning from Married People with Children with Special Needs

by Ted Lowe

Four times a year, I have the privilege of sharing at a marriage retreat for an organization called Myles Apart. Myles Apart was started by my dear friends, Tina and Sam Dula, after their son Myles was diagnosed with autism. Each quarter, this marriage retreat ministers to six couples who have children with autism and other special needs. These couples do indeed need a retreat.

While everyone’s story is unique, these couples always have similar struggles: the financial burden of expensive therapies, the lack of time as a couple and guilty feelings that they aren’t or can’t do enough to help their children. While they have similar struggles, the way they cope can be very different. In fact, for some, autism has been the thing that has made them closer than ever before. For others, it’s the thing that has pushed them further apart. So, what’s the difference in these two types of couples? The answers are relevant to ALL married couples.

INTENTIONAL PERSPECTIVE
The couples that are thriving have a different perspective than the couples that are struggling. This perspective didn’t just happen, almost all of them had a defining moment when one or both of them decided to change their perspective. One lady said, “One day, I decided I was going to stop using my husband as a punching bag and start using him for a soft place to land.” Couples who are thriving see each other as a team who work together instead of two opponents who compare whose life is harder.

INTENTIONAL HELP
Couples that are thriving accomplish what can seem like the impossible task of finding outside help they can actually afford. They make the hard ask of their family and friends to help them love this child with some very special needs. They realize that they have to have time to recharge their batteries if they are going to give their child the love and care they need.
You don’t have to have a child with special needs to take a cue from these couples. Just like them, it’s easy to play the “My life is harder than yours” game with our spouse. The next time you catch yourself playing that game, stop and thank your spouse for what they do for the family. It will not only make them want to work harder, but they will appreciate what you do more as well.

Secondly, find some help. So many times we take everything on by ourselves, leaving no space for our marriage. Send the kids to grandmas, or ask a friend to take a kid to practice so you can have a weekly or bi-monthly date night. Feel guilty? Then trade favors. Chances are other parents need some time together too.

While not every couple has a child with special needs, every marriage has special needs. What are you doing to meet the special needs of your marriage?

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

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Living Today For Tomorrow (Part Two)

Every person is equipped with a sense that life is more than just 'flesh and blood'. We are more than even body and soul. We are in fact wired to enquire beyond even the physical realm because God has 'put eternity into the heart of man'. The sense of eternity is enlivened when we acknowledge the 'God' part of our being. Jesus said "unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God...That which is born of the flesh is flesh and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit" (John 3:3,6) People are designed to have one death (physical) and two births, one of the flesh and the other of the spirit.


Jesus death at Calvary is the only means of escape from a second death, not physical but spiritual. If we put aside physical death which is the "body without the spirit" (James 2:26), the second death  (Rev.20:14) is actually eternal separation from Jesus. Human beings were never designed to be separated from God through Jesus Christ. In God's sight, this separation from Himself is as foreign as a fish trying to live outside of water. We are made to live, to be and to have relationship with Him. The first Adam forfeited that relationship while knowingly rebelling against God. By the way God is entirely fair when he warns people of the consequences of choosing to do their own thing. Free will pre dated salvation. The last Adam, Jesus Christ, offered Himself as the "perfect sacrifice that would take away the sin of the world". It is still our call however as to whether we want to receive Him. All Godly judgement for our sins was put on Jesus Christ. Jesus said "He who believes in the Son has everlasting life and he who does not believe the Son shall not see life but the wrath of God abides on him." (John 3:36) If God is fully satisfied with His Son meeting His requirements for judgement of sin why on earth would you not want the benefits of His payment? Why would you want to represent yourself when you can have the Advocate of heaven represent you?


There is a view that says that because God is a loving God He will not exclude anyone from heaven. That is false. The truth is that we are given a free will and there are both consequences and responsibilities associated with our choices. We understand the laws of gravity and the consequences of defying those laws. God has made known the way of salvation through His Son. If you received news that a million dollars was in your bank account and that you had to personally access it at an ATM, you would do what you had to do to access your account. Until you access it however, that money lies dormant. In a similar manner,the love of God needs to be accessed by believing upon the Son and receiving Him is a personal way.


If you receive the Son today you are entitled to download every blessing in Christ. Faith in His finished work will also cover you for eternity. You were made to die once not twice!












This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine Church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on Sunday 19th July 2015. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

Great Expectations

by Monica Humpal

As a pastor, I have conducted quite a few pre-marital counseling sessions. In each of these sessions, we take the time to really dive into what that couple “expects” their married life to be like. I have them list out their hopes, dreams and expectations when it comes to marriage, sex, kids, finances, etc. As a person who’s been married 18 years and, dare I say, “been there and done that” when it comes to marriage issues, I chuckle inside when I hear these grandiose assumptions young couples make going into marriage. As we say in the south, “Bless their little hearts!”

We all come into marriage with a whole load of “expectations” of what we think our spouse will be like, what our marriage will be like, and what our life will be like in general. Why wouldn’t we? If this is our first marriage, the only thing we have to compare it to would be the marriages we’ve experienced or seen in our lives (parents, friends, TV & movie couples).

I asked my husband what expectation he brought into the marriage that quickly became something he realized was not going to be reality. Without missing a beat he looked me in the eye and said, “Sex.” Apparently he thought once we were married it would be “all sex all the time.” But not long after the wedding he had a rude awakening that this was not necessarily part of my expectations of marriage. We’ve argued over the frequency of sex often in our marriage and it wasn’t until just a few years ago that we finally came to a good place with all of that.

I, on the other hand, waltzed into marriage thinking my husband would treat me like a precious doll. He would open doors for me, insist on lifting heavy things, take care of all “guy” stuff like car maintenance and home repairs, etc. Being a southern girl this was what I was brought up with, so it was what I expected my marriage to be like. Needless to say, I open my own doors, take my own car in for an oil change, and I’m pretty handy around the house. Now, before you think my husband is a slouch, I assure you that if I asked him to do any of these things he would gladly do it. But, he doesn’t treat me like I “shouldn’t” do it because I’m his delicate flower. I guess he knows (and appreciates) that I am far from “delicate”!

The problem here isn’t necessarily the expectation—the problem is that when your spouse fails to meet that expectation. You immediately express anger or disappointment in them and/or view them as someone who has let you down in some way. Maybe you now think of him or her as “not the person you thought they were.” Then the disillusion begins and half the time your spouse is blindsided, never realizing that they were doing anything wrong or disappointing you in some way.

A good exercise for us married couples would be to consider what expectations we have of each other. Perhaps you have expectations that have never been met and you are still harboring resentment over it. (And maybe your spouse still has no clue you expect this of them!) Or, maybe you don’t think you have expectations of your spouse, but your spouse feels as though you expect the world of them.

What a great honest conversation this could be if you truly explore this subject! And, to help your conversation be less defensive, try to use “I need” or “I desire” language instead of “I expect” language. That way, your spouse knows that it’s their choice whether they give you what you’re asking of them and that you are not demanding this of them. It makes all the difference!

 

Rev. Monica Humpal is the Director of Grow Ministries at Williamson’s Chapel United Methodist Church in Mooresville, North Carolina. Follow her marriage blog at wcmarriedpeople.wordpress.com.

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Creating Moments on Purpose

I’ve heard it said that life is sprinting past us.

And I used to believe that.  Until one day I stopped to look at a rollie pollie on the ground with my 4-year-old son.
He was absolutely mesmerized by this thing.
And I was mesmerized by his mesmerization.

I remember almost walking right by him to continue with some important grown up task.
“DAD! LOOK! YOU HAVE TO LOOK!”
So I got down on my belly, eye level with that tiny crustacean.

I was suddenly floored.

Every single time he touched that thing, it would roll into the most perfect circle I had ever seen. We laid on our bellies for almost 25 minutes playing with that thing. When I got up, I was all but ready to become president of the world rollie pollie association. It was that amazing.

A ROLLIE POLLIE.

It was then that I realized the statement my generation loved to spit out, “Life is sprinting past us…” was wrong.
We were actually sprinting past life. And that was the day I decided to stop.

There was more than a decision.
There was a plan.
The plan was three-fold.

Every day as a family we were going to experience three types of moments:
A created moment.
A received moment.
A rescued moment.

I thought if we began experiencing these moments, on purpose, then we would find ourselves with a much more fulfilling life.
And since that decision, I’m glad to say, I could not have been more right.

From winning a Peoples Choice Award AS A FAMILY, to everyday, small moments we experience together, my children will reach adulthood not wondering if they had an experience filled childhood.

Their experience filled childhood will set them up to have an epic, adventure filled adulthood.

The great thing about being a Moment Maker is that it doesn’t take large amounts of cash, epic trips around the world, or anything more than intentionality.

Lets look at created moments.

These are the ones that we are in charge of. The problem with most moments we run across as a family is that they are accidental moments. Epic things may happen to us, but they happen on accident.

What if we did them on purpose?

One of the rhythms I use and have helped many parents begin to use is what I like to call the “Exploration Phase” of moment making. This is an intentional way to explore our world for moments TO USE LATER.

Everyday I have an alarm that goes off on my phone. The alarm says, “EXPLORE.” And so right there, in that moment, I try and find an idea that I can use with my family. I now have thousands of ideas in my folders just waiting for me to unveil them. All because I was getting ready for the moment BEFORE the moment presented itself.

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All it takes is a little bit of intentionality and our lives suddenly get a little more epic.
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An example of this happened just a few months ago. My alarm went off on my phone that said, “EXPLORE” while I was walking downtown Nashville.

There was some parade going down.
Somebody was celebrating somebody being awesome.
Confetti was flying all over the place and people were SO HAPPY.
I took a picture of a kid with his arms reaching up towards the confetti and filed it for a rainy day.

A few months later one of my girls came sprinting into the house screaming…”DAD! DAD! YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS! I LANDED MY BACK HAND SPRING!”

And then it hit me.

“HOLD ON BABY!” I yelled, and I went into my office, shredded ten sheets of paper, followed her outside, watched her do her back handspring, and then threw confetti as high in the air as possible, cheering as loud as I could.

She DIED laughing.
And guess what?
WE NOW ALL CARRY AROUND SMALL BAGS OF CONFETTI.
And when any of our friends has great news . . .

Confetti time.

So all of this to say, whatever stage of parenting you are at, whatever season you find yourself in,
be intentional about creating moments.

Create them on purpose, and you will soon find yourself living your life as opposed to your life living you.

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Waking a Sleeping Giant

by Roy Jacques

“Marriage is the foundation of a successful society.”

Few church leaders would disagree with that statement. In fact, most church leaders have probably thought or said that very thing. If we’re so convinced that it’s foundational to our society, and certainly to the family unit, then why is the story of marriage so grim within the walls of our churches? The truth is, while most church leaders talk a lot about marriage, very few of them are doing anything about it. Yes, we preach about it from the stage occasionally, but does the role of marriage ministry in our churches show that we really care about the marriages in our churches and communities.

When I first took over my current role at Seacoast Church, I was primarily hired to help married couples get connected to small groups. I’ve always been passionate about small groups, and I believe every married couple needs to be a part of a life giving small group. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that small groups by themselves still aren’t enough. Our small groups are filled with people whose marriages are falling apart. And God bless our small group leaders, but most of them aren’t equipped to handle the needs of struggling marriages within their group.

So, God began to birth in me a deep desire to create something within our church that would really help marriages, not just in our church, but in our community. I became convinced that marriage really was the church’s issue, and it was time we did something about it. But what to do? I believe that’s the question most church leaders are asking. It’s not that they/we don’t care about marriages, most of us just don’t have an answer.

It was during that time that I crossed paths with Ted Lowe and MarriedPeople. I was familiar with Ted’s work from his time at North Point Community Church and was intrigued by his new mission to help churches help marriages. So, I reached out to Ted and began to discover how MarriedPeople could help us do what we wanted to do—build a sustainable marriage strategy that would show “we’re serious about helping marriages.”

At Seacoast Church, we kicked things off initially with our first Night Out event. To be honest, I didn’t know if anyone would attend. To my surprise, we had over 400 at our first event, and by and large the feedback we received was “we wouldn’t miss this!” Our small group numbers are through the roof as married couples are coming out of the woodwork to get connected. It’s caused me to realize that we’ve awakened a sleeping giant! The couples in our church, and in yours, are starving for something that will help their marriages. The question is, are we going to do something about it?

I want to encourage you, if you haven’t already, make this year the year that you do something about the state of marriages in your church. The great news is, you can quit asking, “What do I do?” MarriedPeople can help you with a very easy, reproducible strategy that will transform the marriages in your church. And I see a day when we as the Church begin to turn the tide of marriages as we stand up and say, “This is worth our time and attention!” So, what are you waiting on? Awaken the giant within your church!

Roy Jacques, Pastor of Marriage Ministry at Seacoast Church

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Live Today Like It's Tomorrow

It's easy to live for today for ourselves in survival mode. Sometimes we just want to 'head for the back of the cave'. This is called surviving but it isn't living. The spirit of a person is designed to motivate us to live - not just for ourselves but for others and for the God in whose image we are made. When the spirit is enlivened through re birth (being born again - John 3:3), we begin a journey of inward renewal that affects our thinking, our core values, our behaviours and our relationships. Beyond this progressive renewal however there is another transformation that will impact all Christians, including those who have died! The Bible speaks of a hope that is expressed through the expectation of "redemption through our body" (Rom.8:23-25)


The apostle Paul encouraged the church in Thessalonica to keep on loving one another and to go harder in their community even in the face of persecution and trouble. He encouraged them to remind one another that Jesus Himself would return for them and that they would be "caught up together with them (the dead in Christ) in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. and thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words." (1Thess.4:17-18).That which had perished (the dead in Christ) will suddenly become imperishable. "And as we have borne the earthly man, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly man." (1Cor. 15:49). Even the physical body will be regenerated for eternity!This is commonly called the rapture or the "blessed hope". It is the "blessed hope" because the church of Jesus Christ will be with the Lord forever.


Our present times are to be encased with eternity. Struggles and even persecution  can be viewed in the light of His return for His church. There will be a future time when He will return with His church to reign with Him on earth.


The impending rapture is motivation to live in the present for Him. After the rapture there will also be a time when believers will experience a reward ceremony at the Judgement Seat of Christ. This judgement seat for believers is not about the judgement of sin. Jesus has already paid the penalty for the sins of the world, though this is only activated when an individual both believes and receives the offer of total forgiveness of sins. Every person who believes on Him will receive everlasting life with Him! This judgement for believers is about what we did with the grace of God this side of heaven. Paul spoke of his hunger to receive 'crowns'. His goal was to attain the 'prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus' (Phil.3:14). Paul encouraged believers to run life this side of heaven  in a way that would leave a heavenly mark. For example, every time a Christian obeys the promptings of the Holy Spirit, he is 'running the race'. The issue is not about the size of tasks that we do so much as it is about our obedience given the opportunities that we before us everyday. Jesus said "whoever gives one of these little ones a cup of cold water in the name of a disciple, assuredly, I say to you, he shall by no means lose his reward." (Mat.10:42) At the Judgement Seat of Christ, every work that we ever did will be tested by fire (1Cor.3:11-15) This is not a reference to salvation per se but it is a reference  to the endurance of  a work that is derived by "faith which works by love" (Gal.5:6)


The apostle Paul was stirred by two eternal facts. Firstly the fact that Jesus would return for His church and secondly by the fact that Jesus wants to present a full reward to those who seek after Him and who are stirred to live as unto Him this side of heaven. Our obedience this side of heaven affects the nature of the rewards that will be given on that day. Why settle for anything less when we have the whole of eternity with Him ahead as our motivation today!












This blog is based on a message given by both Diane & Ross Smith at The Vine Church, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 12'07/15 called "Live Today Like Its Tomorrow". The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

Why I Might Get My Daughter A Phone Earlier Than I Planned

In my work with Orange, I often advise parents on all the awesomeness and awkwardness that comes with raising kids in a technology connected culture.

As a parent myself, I am keenly aware that we are the first generation of parents in the history of mankind to deal with this unique opportunity.

My parents didn’t have to navigate the troubled waters of sexting when I was a teenager.

Your parents didn’t have to give you tips about properly using Snapchat.

No one’s parents had to sit down with their kids to talk about the dangers of texting and driving.

We’re the first generation that has to do that. There are no precedents. We’re the pioneers!

That’s exciting and a little terrifying, but until recently I thought I had one part of the conversation covered. In my head, I was adamant that my oldest daughter would not get a phone until she was at least thirteen. I say “at least” because in some particularly prideful parent moments I would declare, “No child of mine will have a phone until she’s in high school!”

Statements like that were very easy to make when my oldest daughter was in the second grade. (Is there anything more annoying than a parent with elementary school kids trying to give you advice about teenagers. My apologies.)

My views on the phone took a significant hit a few weeks ago. I might be getting my daughter a phone a lot sooner than I expected. Why?

Small group.

My oldest daughter is in an amazing small group connected to our church. She is learning how to be in community with ten other girls her age. She’s learning about the Bible and life and hope in a really fun way. One night, as we discussed this awesome small group, my wife said to me, “I wish L.E. could get the group text.”

I asked her what she meant and she said, “Well, most of the girls in the group have phones. During the week they have a group text to encourage each other. They send Bible verses, silly jokes, photos, etc. And L.E. misses out on all of that.”

Dagger in my heart.

As a parent, you tend to get obsessed about how horrible phones and social media are for kids. You tend to buy the hype that the Internet is just one big porn machine hell-bent on destroying our children. Then you realize it’s also a place of community and connection. It’s also an encouragement for pre-teens in a small group.

The second thing that changed my view of the cell phone for my daughter was the death of the home phone. I used to say, “She can just call people on the home phone like I did! They can call her on our home phone.” There’s only two problems with that:

1. No one has a home phone anymore.
2. Kids don’t call your home phone even if you have one.

To prove my first point, just go look for one in your own house. Chances are it’s gone. To prove the second point, just wait until your kids hit middle school. When I was a teenager, I called Dave Bruce on his home phone because that was the only option I have. Now, most kids won’t even call a cell phone. They’d rather text, so if you don’t have a cell phone, they don’t think to call you on a home phone. The idea of calling a home phone is so quaint this entire paragraph is feeling like an antique.

We might be getting my daughter a phone when she enters the 6^th grade this fall. We’re not sure yet, there are a still a lot of questions to answer first. I can’t tell you exactly when you should get your kid a phone, I think each kid is different. I do know this though: You’re going to have this discussion earlier than you thought. Make sure you don’t only consider the bad things that come with a phone, consider the good too!

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Open Your Home

I love beautifully decorated homes with every little thing in place.

A candle quietly burning, fresh flowers in a vase, soft music playing, the floors and bathrooms are spotless and the furniture is freshly polished – and vacuum lines on carpet – ahh they make me feel happy.

As much as I would love to say this describes my home, it does not. I mean I still try. I haven’t totally given up on the dream, but I learned a long time ago that hosting kids in my home does not, in any way, help my dream become a reality.

The sleepovers.
The football team hanging out.
The basketball team hanging out.
The soccer team hanging out.
(We’ve had a lot of teams over the years!)
The gang dropping by for a snack.
The impromptu bonfires.
The small group Bible studies.
The mission team meetings.
The school study groups.

They all have left their mark on my home, literally.

The basement walls we finally got around to painting got a layer of Dr. Pepper sprayed on them 3 weeks later. (Although I didn’t discover the sticky residue – or hear the story – until months later.)

The ceiling fan light fixture got shattered by a body pillow being waved in the air by one young man who was trying to fan away body odors. (I could have told him that pillow had zero chance against those odors!)

The recliner no longer leans back all the way and kind of tilts to one side after a group of guys decided to see how many would fit in it. (The answer is five, in case you’re wondering.)

The money I could have spent on new curtains or bookshelves for the study went towards meals, late night snacks and keeping the basement fridge stocked with drinks

Oh and the handprints. The walls of the staircase going down to my basement have the handprints of just about every teen we know. And all those sports bags and backpacks scuffing the walls as they made their way down the stairs – yep, those marks are still there too.

Recently, after my son’s high school graduation, I found myself staring at all those scuff marks and handprints. As I ran my hand across what would be ugly to most, I uttered a “thank you” to God. I thanked Him for helping me open my home, because when I open my home, I open my heart. And in exchange, I received so much more than a beautifully decorated, clean house.

The sound of teens worshiping in my basement.
The laughter of boys being boys.
The excitement of girls talking over one another.
The huddle around the oven waiting for food.
The hugs from kids I barely knew.
The title of “Mom” from kids who aren’t mine.
And the “thanks Mom” from the kids who are.

Parents, open your home. Let your house be the hangout, the host home, the place where teens can be. Don’t wait until you think your house is good enough. All kids want is a place to be, with the friends they want to be with.

Yes, it’s exhausting and will cost you.

But I promise you.

It will be worth it.

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Made For Eternity

Every culture, past and present expresses an awareness of eternity. From times before the ancient Egyptians to the  sci-fi devotees of today, an awareness of eternity has both fascinated and captivated communities and cultures. The truth is that God has placed an awareness of eternity inside of people no matter who they are or what culture they are part of.


If humanity is made in the image of God (Gen.1:26) then there is an inescapable part of humanity that will be attracted by eternity because the 'likeness' of His nature includes His eternal nature. The first Adam was created to have communion with God but sin destroyed that communion. Sin breaks fellowship between God and people. Yet there is still a part of fallen humanity that wrestles with the eternal part of our makeup. "He has put eternity in their hearts..." (Ecc.3:11) Perhaps a definition of torment this side of heaven is trying to deny the eternal part of us with our minds while still wrestling with the intuitive and ever present awareness of eternity in our hearts. This reminds me of the bumper sticker "No God, no peace; know God ,know peace".


During the 2000 Sydney Olympic Games, over 4 billion people saw the iconic, copper plated writing of the word Eternity emblazoned across the Sydney harbour bridge. Arthur Stace, a relatively unknown man wrote the word Eternity on the pavements of Sydney's streets between 1935 and 1965. The Sydney Olympics have gone but Eternity is still behind us and before us. This was the same as advertising God Himself. "From eternity to eternity, I am God." (Is 43:13) Jesus said this, "And this is eternal life - that they may know You, the only true God and Jesus whom You have sent" (John 17:3-4). In other words, the manifestation of eternity is more than a dimension beyond time and space. It is in fact the expression of the person of the Son, Jesus Christ "who is the same yesterday, today and forever"(Heb.13:8)


It is interesting that even in our so called secular society in Australia that people often declare a phrase that belies secular values. When people are surprised or shocked often their first utterance is "Oh my God!" I have never heard people say "Oh my house" or "Oh my fishing rod"! Where does this cry come from? Secondly, I would think that the most common prayer statement, again said intuitively, is "God help me!" I simply make the point that there is an intuitive cry inside every heart that comes because God has planted the awareness of eternity inside of us. When a person is born again by the Spirit of God that person's spirit will be enlivened to the existence of eternity which will also stir us to want to live with purpose this side of heaven.












This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith on 05/07/15 at The Vine Church, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland, Australia. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

How Sex, Love Are A Lot Like Leadership

by Carey Nieuwhof

I spent a day recently with a group of ministry friends and mentors, all of whom have been leading their organizations for a long time. In some cases over 20 years.

We had a heartfelt, gut-wrenching conversation about the challenges of leading in the same organization for most of our adult lives.

As I processed our day together, I realized there are more than a few common denominators between leadership and sex, love and marriage.

After all…most of us are trying to make our relationships work out, both personally and organizationally. And it’s not easy.

Just like it’s easier to be unhealthy than healthy, at some points it’s harder to make the magic happen year after year than it is to keep starting over again.

Now as you read this, please know this post comes out of my experience. I realize many marriages don’t make it and I realize that I will have a hard time understanding those dynamics.

I’ve been married to my wife Toni for 23 years. We have not always had an easy marriage, but we are both so thankful that we decided to work through the issues. (Toni and I talked openly about the struggles in our marriage here.)

Similarly, I’ve been in leadership with many of the same people for 18 years in the same community. It hasn’t always been easy, but there we’ve seen some incredible things together.

While these reflections come out of my personal experience, I offer them in the hopes that they help us all filter through the challenges of life and leadership.

So whether you’re
a young leader just starting out
thinking about quitting
are happily engaged in long term leadership,

. . . Here are 6 things sex love and marriage can teach you about leadership:

 1. There is no such thing as casual leadership.
As much as we live in a culture where casual sex has become normal for many people, it doesn’t produce strong or healthy relationships. Similarly, there is nothing casual about leadership.

Like a healthy relationship, it takes work, effort and commitment over the long haul. As much as we try to make things easier and easier in our culture, leadership will remain challenging by its very nature. Just like great relationships—it will always take work, effort and commitment.

2. At some point you need to choose between serial commitment and long term commitment.
Someone once told me that commitment in our culture has shifted from life-time monogamy to serial monogamy; you’re with someone exclusively for a few years until you move on.

Take a look around you. Many leaders approach leadership the same way. They’re with an organization for 3-5 years and then they move on.

I’m not saying that’s always a bad idea, but most of the people who make significant impact in an organization stay at least a decade. If you think about most ministry leaders you admire and who have transformed their organizations and communities, most have been there their entire lives.

I blogged in more detail about why most leaders leave their organizations too soon in this post.  Regardless, at some point, every leader needs to choose between serial commitment and long term commitment.

3. It’s easier to leave or have an affair than it is to work through your issues.
This is the gut wrenching part. Every leader I know who has been in leadership for a long time has been tempted to leave, tempted to pursue other interest and hit cruise control…in other words, been tempted to have an affair on what might be their real calling.

Very few couples who make it over the long haul do so because they have “no issues”. They stay when it’s easier to leave. (By the way, this New York Times piece by Wendy Plump is an the most haunting article I have ever read on having an affair.)

4. There will be some joyless seasons.
It’s not all dancing and singing all the time. Every leader I know who is in long term leadership has either had to scale significant organization issues or even personal crises. God uses dark nights of the soul to grow us and shape us. (If you’re interested, I blogged about how I got through burnout to recovery here.)

But here’s the promise. If you’re being faithful, your emotions eventually catch up to your obedience.

5. As hard as it is to admit, wise people realize that they are the problem.
So many relationships fail because one partner says the other partner is the problem. I lived like that in my marriage and in my leadership for a season until I realized, gulp, that I’m the problem. In fact, the longer you stay in a relationship or leadership the more you will have to come to terms with the grinding truth that you are the cap on progress.

That’s why serial relationships and serial leadership is so wide-spread. Leave soon enough and you never have to look in the mirror. It’s always someone else’s fault.

Wise people understand that embrace that they are the problem. I tell myself almost daily that I am the problem in leadership where I serve, and that potentially God might work a solution through me.

Wise people also seek help in identifying their blind spots and problems by gather mentors, counselors and friends around them to help them spot their issues. They are also wide open to hearing about problems from the people they work with.

6. There is a certain joy that can only happen after years of being together.
When you are able to work through your issues in a marriage, everything gets better. There’s a certain joy that comes in being with the same person for 23 years. We know things about each other that no one else can know. We can read each other better than anyone else can read us. And the deep pleasure in simply being together grows every year.  There’s an intimacy that only time can deliver that is almost hard to put into words.

That’s one of the things I love about working with some of the same people for years and years. There are stories whose mere mention brings a smile to everyone’s face. The trust runs so deep. And there’s a joy in just knowing that you’ve been in this together for so long and it’s making a difference.

Let me guess your next question: am I saying you should never leave?

No. Not at all. I wrote here about 5 signs that will tell you it’s time to move on and Ron Edmondson offers some great thoughts on the subject. But I do think many leaders leave too soon.

So what’s your experience? Do you see parallels between sex love and marriage and leadership?  What are you learning?

 

Carey Nieuwhof is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multicampus church north of Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Community Church. Prior to starting Connexus in 2007, Carey served for 12 years in a mainline church, transitioning three small congregations into a single, rapidly growing church.

He speaks to North American and global church leaders about leadership, change and personal growth.  Carey is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-authored “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner.  He and his wife Toni live near Barrie, Ontario and have two sons, Jordan and Sam.  He blogs at http://ift.tt/1bdw8GN and hosts the top-rated Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast every week.

Reposted with permission. Originally posted here.

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A Different Type of Vacation

by Ted Lowe

Whether it’s finances, parenting, in-laws , sex or a million other things, so many married people get stuck on an issue. They find themselves having the same fight over and over. When this is the case, it doesn’t take long before the issue becomes more important than the relationship. When this is the case, when a married person thinks about their spouse, they think about the issue. When they look at their spouse, they see the issue. When their spouse speaks, they hear the issue. So, what’s the answer? Many people feel they can’t move forward in their marriage until the issue is resolved. Sometimes this may be the case, such as with infidelity. But I have found more times than not, that it is helpful for couples to take a vacation from their issues.

Some dear friends of ours were stuck on the issue of whether they should move to a bigger house or stay in their current house. While that is definitely a “rich people problem,” it was a problem all the same, causing great tension in their marriage. They were at our house the night before they were leaving for vacation and they were afraid they were going to fight the entire trip. I encouraged them to take a vacation from talking about moving or staying. They were surprised by my suggestion, after all, isn’t the answer to every struggling marriage to resolve your issues? Shouldn’t couples really get in there and figure it out? Shouldn’t they see a counselor to help them fix it? Again, sometimes the answer is yes, but oftentimes the answer is simpler. As in our friends’ case, where the answer was to take a vacation from the issue. When they returned from their vacation, they said they really enjoyed being together. They needed a vacation from their issue. Since then, they have decided to stay in their current home. They decided that no home was more important than their relationship. But they needed a break from the issue to see it more clearly. They needed a break from the issue to make their marriage the priority again.

What about you? What issue does your marriage need a vacation from? Obviously, you don’t actually have to go on vacation to take a vacation from your issues. You can stay home, and it just might be the best trip you take all year.

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Making Moments

Carlos Whittaker, author of Moment Maker, talks with Reggie Joiner and Kristen Ivy talk about how to create, receive, and rescue moments so you can have a better life and become a better parent.

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