Great Expectations

by Monica Humpal

As a pastor, I have conducted quite a few pre-marital counseling sessions. In each of these sessions, we take the time to really dive into what that couple “expects” their married life to be like. I have them list out their hopes, dreams and expectations when it comes to marriage, sex, kids, finances, etc. As a person who’s been married 18 years and, dare I say, “been there and done that” when it comes to marriage issues, I chuckle inside when I hear these grandiose assumptions young couples make going into marriage. As we say in the south, “Bless their little hearts!”

We all come into marriage with a whole load of “expectations” of what we think our spouse will be like, what our marriage will be like, and what our life will be like in general. Why wouldn’t we? If this is our first marriage, the only thing we have to compare it to would be the marriages we’ve experienced or seen in our lives (parents, friends, TV & movie couples).

I asked my husband what expectation he brought into the marriage that quickly became something he realized was not going to be reality. Without missing a beat he looked me in the eye and said, “Sex.” Apparently he thought once we were married it would be “all sex all the time.” But not long after the wedding he had a rude awakening that this was not necessarily part of my expectations of marriage. We’ve argued over the frequency of sex often in our marriage and it wasn’t until just a few years ago that we finally came to a good place with all of that.

I, on the other hand, waltzed into marriage thinking my husband would treat me like a precious doll. He would open doors for me, insist on lifting heavy things, take care of all “guy” stuff like car maintenance and home repairs, etc. Being a southern girl this was what I was brought up with, so it was what I expected my marriage to be like. Needless to say, I open my own doors, take my own car in for an oil change, and I’m pretty handy around the house. Now, before you think my husband is a slouch, I assure you that if I asked him to do any of these things he would gladly do it. But, he doesn’t treat me like I “shouldn’t” do it because I’m his delicate flower. I guess he knows (and appreciates) that I am far from “delicate”!

The problem here isn’t necessarily the expectation—the problem is that when your spouse fails to meet that expectation. You immediately express anger or disappointment in them and/or view them as someone who has let you down in some way. Maybe you now think of him or her as “not the person you thought they were.” Then the disillusion begins and half the time your spouse is blindsided, never realizing that they were doing anything wrong or disappointing you in some way.

A good exercise for us married couples would be to consider what expectations we have of each other. Perhaps you have expectations that have never been met and you are still harboring resentment over it. (And maybe your spouse still has no clue you expect this of them!) Or, maybe you don’t think you have expectations of your spouse, but your spouse feels as though you expect the world of them.

What a great honest conversation this could be if you truly explore this subject! And, to help your conversation be less defensive, try to use “I need” or “I desire” language instead of “I expect” language. That way, your spouse knows that it’s their choice whether they give you what you’re asking of them and that you are not demanding this of them. It makes all the difference!

 

Rev. Monica Humpal is the Director of Grow Ministries at Williamson’s Chapel United Methodist Church in Mooresville, North Carolina. Follow her marriage blog at wcmarriedpeople.wordpress.com.

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