Marriage Ministry

by Amanda Maguire

In the US the divorce rate is staggering, ranging anywhere between 25-50%, depending on what study you read. Where I live the divorce rate is 70% and climbing.

As you read this post, more than 33 couples will file for divorce in Orange County today. I’m not sure if these statistics ignite a fire burning in my heart because of the Holy Spirit, or my obnoxious competitive nature (maybe both). But my desire is that our church in Orange County would be known as the church that gives a voice to what marriage really is, and a hope for couples to not give up and to fight for this sacred union. My heart breaks for the 70%, and it is skeptical that the remaining 30% are actually in healthy and happy marriages.

We need to learn how to be married.

My husband recently became the lead pastor of our church 2 years ago. So many ministries are just starting from the ground level. And just because I may “be the neck that turns the pastor’s head,” the marriage ministry has been no different. So not knowing where to start, I got a hold of MarriedPeople’s website and started implementing what I could where I could whenever I could.

We started 18 months ago with date nights, following the curriculum verbatim. We pulled 4 off last year and are aiming for about the same this year. As we did each date night we listened to the needs of those who were attending.

Some where super fired up about helping marriages and wanted to play a part in our marriage ministry, and some were coming as a last ditch effort to hear just about anything that could help their miserable marriage.

I had friends who were “mentoring” a newly married couple from our church. So I began to ask a few other couples that I knew had healthy and loving marriages if they would want to take on a mentor/mentee relationship with another couple.

We are so lucky at our church to have a few wonderful and qualified Marriage and Family Counselors who have been willing to come along side our ministry to train couples who may want to become mentors and then to go through a screening process for hurting couples who may want to be paired up as a mentee couple.

We want to make very certain that both couples know that this is not a marriage counseling session. And if the hurting couple is at a place where professional help is needed they are directed to do so and we have so many great professionals to recommend.

They will also know that another couple is praying for them and willing to walk through their professional counseling as a support if they so desire.

I love how God is using the Marriage Ministry to give opportunities for the people of our church to minister to the people in our church and our community. With great expectation and anticipation I know this ministry will continue to grow and God will continue to use us to be the change in the horrific statistic about Orange County.

 

Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor for 12 years and now the lead pastor of a church for the past 3 years. (It’s the same guy!) They are raising a family with kids 11, 9, and 6 . Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!

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Passing Down Faith-Filled Life, Not Trial-Free Life

Do you remember the first time your child was in harm’s way? I remember the time my oldest kicked a bright bouncy ball and landed on her head on the concrete. I remember when my youngest got her feelings hurt by a friend and cried real tears, not whiny tears.

I’ve watched my kids hurt many times, and it stinks.

My knee-jerk reaction is to protect, hover, block, or tattle. Basically do anything to prevent my children from feeling pain.

The same goes with their faith. I want them to fall in love with Jesus and frankly never walk away, while at the same time never experiencing hardship. And then I realize I love them too much to desire a trial-free life. I remember my biggest moments of personal and spiritual growth were during my trials.

Bringing faith to life in our home is a great privilege. I’m encouraged that we don’t have to have a perfect life to pass down a faith-filled life. He has got this. Our role is to simply teach them what we already know and to continue learning and sharing more day by day as we grow.

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You don’t have to have a perfect life to pass down a faith-filled life to your kids.
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You can make a difference even if you’re only one second ahead of your children in your own journey to know Jesus Christ better.

Your fear and your uncertainty can show them God’s grace and mercy.
Your mistakes can teach them forgiveness.
Your strengths can shine a spotlight on God’s blessings and gifts.
Your daily ordinary tasks can become extraordinary opportunities to reach the hearts of your children.

Is anyone with me? Let’s slowly unpeel our grips and give God the chance to show up in the midst of trials. It’s hard to imagine, but He loves our kids even more than we do.

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Honouring the church

God honours His church. Jesus gave Himself for her. His prayer in John 17:22-23 was that the church (His bride) and Himself (the bridegroom) would "be one just as We (Father & Son) are one". There is a unity that is spiritual in nature. Like community, unity cannot be created. It can only be entered into. Love which comes from God cannot be created but we can 'fall into love'. Similarly, the church cannot create unity but it can be received and adopted by believers.


Believers are charged with protecting unity. Unity between believers is a strong theme in the New Testament. All of Paul's letters to the churches exhort believers to receive one another in the spirit of unity. "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." (Eph.4:3) How do we do this? How do we preserve the unity of the Spirit? One thing we can do is not let personal preferences rise above the things that we have in common in Christ. For example, we can learn to honour one another as Christ honours or values the worth of one another, never letting our differences and personalities, distract us from receiving one another as family. We also need to be realistic about our expectations of one another. We need to be passionate about the church and at the same time embrace one another with all of our imperfections. If you are expecting others to be perfect, make sure that when you find the perfect church, you don't join it because you'll ruin it!! Perhaps you are struggling with another believer right now. Apply grace to yourself and to the other person. Let His Spirit work good for you and the other party. Don't bale out.


Another thing that shows that we honour the church is when we refuse to feed offence. Somebody wrote that "the church thrives under persecution but crumbles under offence." We can all be guilty of causing offence as well as being on the end of offence. Offence has a way of eroding grace. Remember that we all have a common enemy who is called the accuser of the brethren. Don't give him any ammunition to use because we allow offence to rob our peace. If someone wants to dump on you about someone else ask them if they have talked to the person directly. By the way people who gossip to you will also gossip about you.


You can express honour by praying for your church leadership team. Bless them . Your leadership team is charged with "watching over your souls as those who must give account" but you are also charged with not causing leadership unnecessary grief because that would be "unprofitable for you". (Heb.13:17) Essentially we are called to honour, that is value one another because that is what Jesus does for His church. "He loved His church and gave Himself for her." How much ought that stir us to also honour one another. When this is seen and tasted, others will also be attracted by the power of the Spirit of unity.












This blog is based on a message called "Honouring the Church" by Ross Smith at The Vine Church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 28/06/15. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

How to NOT Become the Distant Dad

So what do you do when your pre teen or teen doesn’t want to hang out with you as a parent anymore?

That can be a hard question to answer.

In fact, while there’s a mountain of advice for parents of infants, often parents of pre-teens and teens can end up feeling more than isolated.

When my friend Reggie Joiner and I were writing Parenting Beyond Your Capacity a few years ago, we went to a bookstore to check out the parenting section.

What we found surprised us. We noticed there was a sea of books for parents (particularly moms) who were expecting a child, with detailed instructions outlining every stage of the pregnancy and how to prepare to be parents.

There were also a ton of books for parents of newborns and for parents of kids under the age of two.

After that, it was like authors ran out of ideas, or publishing contracts.

Things got a little thinner in pre-school and lighter still for parents of elementary kids.

And by the time you got to middle school and the high school years, it was crickets, except for a few books about how to fix your juvenile delinquent and bail your kids out of jail.

The irony of course, is that parents THINK they’re at their most stressed when their kids are infants and toddlers. Not even close.

Fast-forward a decade and suddenly parents realize the teen years are their most stressful years. What’s cruel is that the years that end up being the most stressful for parents are also the years parents feel most isolated, alone, and under resourced.

The biggest surprise happened for me as a dad when my kids passed their 10^th birthday.

They withdrew.

They didn’t want to play Legos anymore. Nor did they want to throw a football as much. And at the ski hill, they slowly drifted from wanting to ski with mom and dad to wanting us to drop them off so they could ski with their friends.

That can be pretty devastating to you as a parent. You immediately start thinking things like, “What did I do wrong?” and, “Should I switch deodorants?”

It would take me a while to figure it out, but I eventually came to see that their pull away from my wife and I as parents was actually God-given.

Here’s why.

Every child is on a journey from complete dependence on a parent to independence as an adult. God did not design us to live in our parents’ basement playing video games at thirty-five.

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Every child is on a journey from complete dependence on a parent to independence as an adult.
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Kids start to pull away before they leave home so that one day they’re ready to leave home. And that’s okay. God designed it that way.

But the hardest part for me as a dad was to figure out what to do with that dynamic. Honestly, it hurt a bit.

It’s quite natural for me to pull back from any relationship that seems to be going south. You don’t want to be my friend anymore? Fine . . . I guess I don’t need to be your friend either. Reject me . . . and I’ll probably just walk away.

While that’s not very mature, it is very natural.

And that probably explains why many dads become distant as their kids grow older.

So what do you do about that?

Well, I think you do this:

When your kids pull away, lean in.

When they say they don’t like you, love them anyway.

When they have no time for you, make time for them.

Because they still need you. You may not be their best friend right now —and arguably you shouldn’t be—but you are their parent. You are their dad. Their one and only.

They need you. They want you. They’re just not sure about it all right now. And you need to be okay with that.

So dad, fight for the relationship with your kids.

When they withdraw, don’t you withdraw. Be the steady presence in their lives they need.

That’s kind of what God does for you when you pull away from him. He’ll give you the strength to stay engaged with your kids when they disengage from you.

If you can do this, a strange thing happens.

They eventually stop being teenagers and start being young adults. And they realize they need a parent. They realize you’re not nearly as dumb, irrelevant, or outdated as they thought you were just a few years ago. And you end up with something every father and child needs—a relationship.

In the adult years, maybe you even end up with a friendship.

So hang in there. And when your kids pull away, lean in.

One day, they’ll thank you for it. And you’ll be so glad you did.

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What Lurks Behind Your Anger

by Doug Fields

 

“In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.
—Psalm 4:4

Recently, I had lunch with a buddy who admitted that his anger is impacting his marriage. He was searching for a Band-Aid idea that would slow him down and help with his anger (kind of like the good old “count to 10” technique.)

My friend is not alone. From time-to-time, we all get angry. Some of us are really good at hiding expressions of anger. Others, aren’t so good at it. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, anger lurks.

There are no easy answers to anger, but there is an easy question to ask.

The default question most people ask is “What?” What triggered my anger? But, that’s not a good question. It’s too easy! It’s too general! It’s not all that helpful.

What triggered my anger? Music, a dirty room, traffic, rudeness, not flushing the toilet, deleted a recorded TV show, etc. Who cares?

Instead of asking “What?” I would encourage you to ask “Why?”

The why question forces you to peel back a layer from the surface and look inside your heart. Instead of asking what triggered my anger (that’s too easy) . . . ask, why did that trigger my anger?

When you ask what, you’ll continue to blame the triggers and that won’t help you stop the pain.

When you ask why, chances are you’ll discover one of two primary emotions hiding beneath the surface. You might imagine these two emotions hiding in the corner of your soul—one in the fetal position, and one in the attack position.

All curled up in the fetal position will be fear. Every time I try to learn form my anger, I meet fear. I encounter fearful Doug. Fearful Doug who expressed his anger because he was afraid he wouldn’t be a good dad or husband, afraid of failure or rejection, afraid that he can’t control others to compliance, and so on.

The second emotion is hurt. Hurt hides right next to fear, but like a wounded animal, hurt is very dangerous because all it knows how to do is attack others. If I hurt you with my anger, I don’t have to focus on the hurt I feel or reopen the hurtful wounds I’ve never dealt with.

If we don’t learn where anger is coming from, it keeps coming back out, over and over. Perhaps this is why in today’s Scripture, we’re told to “search our hearts.”

If you want to slay the dragon of anger, search your heart. Ask the right question. Learn from your emotions. Change your behavior. Improve your relationships. Easy? No. Doable? Yes.

GOING DEEPER:
1. When you experience anger, are you more likely to ask “Why?” or “What?”

2. When you are angry, how can you benefit from asking “What?” rather than “Why?”

FURTHER READING:
Ephesians 4:31; James 1:20

 

Doug Fields is a youth ministry veteran and a leader in the marriage world. Doug is the co-author of MarriedPeople: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. You can follow Doug on Twitter @DougFields.

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Making The Most of Your Family’s Daily Rhythm (Part 4)

(This is part 4 in our 4 part series, Making The Most Of Your Family’s Daily Rhythm. Click to read about making the most of Morning Time, Drive Time, and Meal Time.)

Peter Pan said, “ Little boys should never be sent to bed. They always wake up a day older.” The first time I read that quote, my boys were already asleep in their rooms for the night, and the sentiments behind the line seemed sweet and nostalgic. The next morning when the day was in full swing and the volume in their voices was up too loud and every room in the house already bore a mark of their destruction, I started to think Peter Pan didn’t know what he was talking about.

There are days, a lot of days, when bedtime is a finish line that can’t be reached fast enough. When you are sprinting through the bath and the stories and the praying and stuffed animal retrieval and the song singing and the tucking in just so you can close the door and wrap up the Netflix series you have been binging on.

I’ve been there. I happen to think the reason bedtime is so hard is because it happens at bedtime. You’re spent by the time it arrives. Everyone is on their last leg. No one is operating at full capacity, which makes this time of the day hard to maximize the meaning of, and hard to get the most out of.

That being said, not every night will be magical. But when we become intentional and make an effort with what we have, we may be surprised at what we get.

Bedtime

Role: Counselor
Communication: Intimate conversation
Goal: Build intimacy

As an adult, I find that bedtime is the time when all the things that have happened that day come flooding into my mind. Kids are the same way. Bedtime is a naturally reflective time. So use it to your advantage! Ask your kids what’s going on in their heart. Did anything make them sad today? Anything make them happy? Anything that is bothering them or isn’t sitting right?

This is one of the best parts of my day. I lie next to my five-year-old, scratch his back and I get to hear the good stuff. About how much he loved having pizza, how he didn’t understand why he lost something because of his attitude. This is the time where everyone gets closure on the day, and when you help offer it as the adult, you communicate to your kids that you are safe and trustworthy.

Because of the ages of my boys this is also when I hear about fears of what might be lurking in the closets, under the bed or in the corner. It’s when I get to assure them of the timeless truths that mean the most to them right now:
“God is with you.”
“You are braver than you think you are.”

It’s also a great time to draw attention to the things we see God doing in our kids as individuals.
“I saw the way you helped your brother day, and I am so proud of you.”
“I loved how you ate all of your broccoli without complaining, even though you don’t love it.”
“I noticed how you put your clothes away and I didn’t even have to ask! Thank you.”

Let your kids know, no matter how old they are, you notice them. You see potential in them. And you’re for them.

Bedtime is definitely something we get to utilize the most when our kids are young. But we shouldn’t be quick to eliminate it the possibility of it as our kids get older—though obviously it will look different.

I remember as a teenager, every night I went out, my dad waited up for me. He would be sitting in his chair watching TV, or dozing off. And it wasn’t just that he would stay awake for me, it’s that he would stay awake after I got home. Because as a dad to a teenage daughter he knew that if the stars aligned, I just might start talking about something meaningful. I might. He knew, you can’t plan for those times, but you can be available for when they do happen. This is the stage where your teenagers set the tone more than you for what’s to happen—so be prepared and be willing when they make the time to talk.

Not every day is a win. Not every time with our kids is purposeful. But when we look for the chance to impart meaning and purpose, we may find opportunities we never knew we had, and the chance to relate to our kids in ways we never imagined possible.

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Marriage Math

by Kevin A. Thompson

In a good marriage, the two become one. Yet they also remain two.

They don’t become one at the expense of the two. They become one in addition to the two.

When marriage works, 1+1=3.

There are two ways to miss the equation to success.

Some miss it because the two never become one. Each partner remains their own identity, but they never become a true couple. Each lives their own lives and they never experience the power of togetherness. By themselves they can accomplish much, but they have not learned to accomplish more than what they can do on their own. In this relationship 1+1=2. They are good, but they are only as good as two, no different than when they were married.

Some miss it because the two become one, but they lose all sense of individual identity. This type of relationship is tricky because they couple might believe they have a healthy marriage. They do everything together and appear very much in love. However, they have lost their individual selves. They are unable to accomplishing anything without the other. In this relationship, 1+1=1. They are good, but they are only as good as one. (See: My Best Friend, But Not My Only Friend)

In a healthy marriage, each spouse keeps their individual identity, enjoys themselves, accomplishes things without their partner, while also merging into a powerful partnership. They are both individuals and a couple.

This is how I want my marriage to be—me, her, and us. (See: Wake Up Every Day and Consider How to Make Her Dreams Come True)

I am me. I exist beyond my spouse. She doesn’t define me. She doesn’t complete me. She doesn’t dictate who I am as an individual. Even without her, I’m still me. I am responsible for myself, my own happiness, my own identity, my own relationship with God and others.

She is her. She has a life beyond me. I don’t define her. I don’t complete her. I don’t dictate who she is as an individual. Even without me, she is still her. She is responsible for herself, her own happiness, her own identity, and her relationship with God and others.

Yet we are also us. We define who we are as a couple. There are things which only we do together. There are aspects of our lives which are a joint venture. Without her, I don’t act. Without me, she doesn’t act. We have our individual things, but we also have our couple things.

This is marriage at its best. It harnesses both the strength of two individuals and the power of a united couple. When any of these three aspects is not fully functioning, they all suffer.

A marriage can only thrive when each spouse maintains their individual identity. Individuals can best thrive when their marriage is strong.

In a good marriage, 1+1=3. (See: Stop Spending Your Spouse’s Dreams)

Does your marriage equal three?
If no, why not?
What is suffering?

Are you failing as a couple? Is your relationship a complete partnership or has it become lopsided? Do you spend a proper amount of time together? Are their activities which you only do as a couple? Are you striving together toward a common goal?

Are you failing as an individual? Have you lost your identity? Do you spend a proper amount of time alone? Are you working diligently? Are you nourishing your soul? (See: No Wonder You Don’t Love Each Other)

Is your spouse failing as an individual? Are you allowing them to spend ample time to themselves? Are you encouraging their individual achievement? Are you supporting them in their dreams and aspirations?

Because the math of a good marriage is 1+1=3, I have two responsibilities in marriage–me and us. I am not in charge of my wife. I am in charge of myself and I can greatly influence the relationship.

At its best, there are few things better than marriage. It makes me better as an individual and makes me part of something I could never be on my own.

 

 

Kevin A. Thompson is the Lead Pastor of Community Bible Church, a multi-site church in the Greater Fort Smith Region. He met his wife, Jenny, while in college and they have been married since 2000. 

This post originally appeared on Kevin’s blog. Reposted with permission. 

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Conviction & The Cool Table

The cool table officially begins in the third grade. I don’t have scientific evidence to support that claim because cool table research studies are very, very expensive. Instead, what I have is a daughter who bumped into the cool table in the third grade.

I think as a parent I hoped to avoid this annoying item of furniture until middle school or high school. Perhaps that was naïve, but that was my hope. Unfortunately, the cool table, an inner circle of popularity, started gelling earlier than I anticipated.

Teachers often try to get ahead of this problem by forbidding groups or clubs out on the playground. They know the trouble that comes when kids start excluding each other based on seemingly random sets of criteria. But save for cockroaches, cliques might be the only thing that would ever survive a nuclear explosion. Survivors would crawl out of shelters and immediately say to each other, “The people who have crazy hair need to stand over there. You other people with smoky clothes need to move over there.”

What’s interesting is that when your kids bump into the cool table is that you have a perfect moment to teach them about conviction. At Orange we define conviction as “Standing for what is right even when others don’t.” When the cool table excludes a kid who just moved to town, your kid can include him. When the cool table makes fun of a girl for not owning the “right” shirt, your kid can defend her. When the cool table responds negatively to an activity the teacher has suggested, your kid can jump into the project with both feet.

At every turn, there’s a chance to do what’s popular or what’s right. It’s not easy. Kids are like adults. If we were honest we’d admit we want to sit at the cool table sometimes, too. But no one ever said doing what is right was easy. If it were, it’d be called “eating queso.” That’s not an official Orange definition. That’s my personal definition, but if you ever go to a Mexican restaurant with me you’ll see that I have a strong conviction about the necessity of queso regardless of which table I’m sitting at.

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Doing Life Together (Part Two)

The only source of love that will always lift you and build you , is God's love. Sin removes people from the source of love. Brokenness is perpetuated whenever we look to one another to be the source of well being. Connection with Father God lies at the heart of restoration wherever and however brokenness manifests. When fellowship with Him is restored through receiving Jesus Christ, we can experience sweet fellowship with one another. When we receive Christ's grace we are also empowered to receive one another. In fact a grace based culture will permit people to grow even through mistakes because if there is no judgement, we can dare to receive one another without fear of rejection or condemnation.


The account of Joseph and his brothers in Genesis, is an account of restoration of a family for which  God had great plans. The high point of the account was not Joseph's abilities to interpret dreams but  his determination and passion to be restored with his brothers. Over some 22 years, Joseph was actually being prepared to receive his brothers without any sense of vindication, revenge or anger toward them. Joseph was able to totally forgive his brothers and to declare that "what you intended for evil, God meant for good, for the saving of many lives." (Gen.50:20) The high point for Joseph, as for us, is to see what God sees. His brothers at first feared the worst when they met Joseph after their father's death. We struggle to connect with one another because we can be fearful of rejection and fearful of not having the approval of others but if we see that God will never forsake or reject us, we can overcome these common fears.


Grace will do the work of restoration if we will receive it and then expend it. I have a friend who says "you have not because you spend not!" We are made to receive grace so that we can be big spenders of grace. It is not 'my grace' to hold on to. It is His grace given to us so that it can go through us to others. It is designed to be passed forward. If, for example, I know that I am totally forgiven of my sins, I am empowered to pass forgiveness forward to others. When this happens we begin to experience authentic fellowship one with another. We will begin to experience both giving and receiving like breathing in and out. We will begin to be edified as well edify others. We will experience fellowship at its highest levels. We will be able to share at a basic level (e.g. hospitality) but we will also be able to share at a higher level of fellowship (e.g. bearing burdens of grief and suffering). In essence security comes from knowing that God will never cut off fellowship with the believer. When we get this we will be free to receive one another.












This blog is based on a message called 'Doing Life Together' by Ross Smith on 21/06/15 at The Vine church, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland, Australia. The full message can be accessed by podcast on www.thevine.org.au/teaching

What Your Husband Really Wants For Father’s Day . . . But Can’t Tell You

by Ted Lowe

As most dads do, I adore my three kids. But as most dads do, I second-guess how well I’m doing. From tidbits to full-blown philosophies, advice for dads is everywhere:

• “Don’t be your child’s friend, be their dad.”
• “Time is flying by, enjoy every moment with your kids.”
• “Nothing is more important than your child’s education, make sure you save enough for college.”
• “Be firm.”
• “Spark their imagination.”
• “Teach them independence.”
• “Teach them to be team players.”

So which of the above or thousands of other pieces of advice are the most important? I can feel the anxiety rising up in me as I type. After all, other than being a husband, being a Dad is the most important earthly relationship of my life. I would say that most guys feel the same way.

Ladies, in case you didn’t know, we guys can be a little insecure, especially when it comes to our performance as dads. So, while your husband loves ties and homemade cards for Father’s Day, the greater gift is the assurance you notice the things he is doing right.

For Father’s Day this year, compose a letter by filling in the following blanks in the letter below. Despite the fact that he probably won’t respond to you with tears in his eyes and a, “Thank you sweetheart for shoring up my anxious soul,” your words matter to him even more than you probably know. You may be thinking, but there are a lot of things he isn’t doing right as a dad. Don’t worry about that, chances are he already knows. Trust me, affirming him for what he is doing right almost always has the pleasant side effect of lessening and/or improving the things he is doing wrong. So, go ahead, this Father’s Day love away by giving your stressed out husband a little verbal love. You’ll be glad you did. Then let us know how it went.

Dear_____________________________

I want to thank you for the way you love ______________________________.

I admire the way you always ________________________________________.

It makes me laugh, the way you________________________________.

Thank you for providing by________________________________.

My favorite memory of you as a dad this year was when_________________.

Thanks for being such a _________________, _________________, and ________________ dad.

Love

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Making The Most of Your Family’s Daily Rhythm (Part 3)

(This is part 3 in our 4 part series, Making The Most Of Your Family’s Daily Rhythm. Click to read part 1, Morning Time, and part 2, Drive Time.)

I hit the jackpot when I got married. My husband can cook—not only is he able, he’s good. On our first anniversary, he recreated the coconut French toast we had on our honeymoon. He makes a mean blackberry reduction with a pecan crusted chicken, and don’t get me started on his Coca-Cola cake. Oh man.

But there’s a problem. With the exception of the cake, these aren’t exactly kid friendly recipes. Instead, meal time is less about our discerning palate and more about survival. About trying to anticipate the needs of our children before we settle in to the table so we aren’t running a virtual relay race between the kitchen table, the refrigerator, the sink, the paper towels, and sometimes even the laundry room. Meal time at our house can quickly revert to just getting a basic need met, as opposed to a time that has any real sense of purpose.

The truth is, meal time will always be a challenge. During the younger years it’s a circus. As kids get older it becomes a scheduling feat to get everyone around the table. With little to no effort meal time can lose any potency it has fairly easily. And that means we have to fight for it.

So how do we make meal time matter?

Meal Time

Your Role: Teacher
Communication: Formal Discussion
Goal: Establish values

Meal time can often feel chaotic, but what if it was within our power to make it less that way? To start, get around the table. Turn off the TV. Leave your phones on the counter. Seriously. And start talking. Talk to your toddlers and your preschoolers, talk to your spouse, talk to your teenagers even if all you get are grunts and one word answers.

The goal of this time to establish your family values, so how do you do that? Begin by deciding (with your spouse if you’re married) what you want those values to be. Pick three things you want to represent your family. Maybe your kids developing a faith of their own is a given, so think of three other character based things to complement their faith. Do you want to be a family that celebrates respect? Honesty? Fun? Connection? Communication? Sports? Intelligence? Picking your top three doesn’t mean you don’t see the importance of other values, it just means you are going to work to elevate these three things.

Then use your time at the table to celebrate these things.

For example, let’s say you decided honesty was something your family was going to hold in high esteem. Instead of just telling your kids how important it is for them to be honest, try sharing some stories of your own. Maybe you learned something the hard way about being honest as a kid. Maybe you were challenged just this week in a situation where it would have been easier to be dishonest, but you took the high road, and can share with your kids the benefits and the challenges. Telling stories on yourself gives your kids insight into who you are, not just as a parent, but as a person, and gives them clues into why your family values what it does.

Younger kids love the chance to hear stories portraying their parents as kids once themselves. But teenagers need the chance to hear stories of their parents that make them more human and relatable—instead of just a distant authority figure.

But it does more than that too. Elevating values through your own experience allows your kids to see that the things you want so much for your kids to model in their lives are the things you are working hard to model in your own.

Ultimately, meal time is a win when it’s used to center your family. It can help you regroup, re-gather, and be reminded of your connection with each other and the things that make your family unique. As chaotic as things can sometimes feel, as maddening as your family can sometimes be, you are in it together. So make the time you have together strengthen your family, and become closer and more resilient than ever before.

Next Post: Bed Time (coming soon!)

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Surviving Ezzy

I was the perfect mother. I mean, anyone could be—if they just read the books like I did and maintained a schedule like I did. If they had boundaries with their children. If they stood their ground . . . If they would just work the system, they could be perfect like me, too.

I had the parenting thing all figured out.

That’s what I thought after I had my first child, Lilah. She was, by all accounts, perfection. She slept through the night at six weeks. She took several long naps throughout the day. She would smile at strangers. Use her manners. Perform on cue.

I was the perfect mother.

Until I had my second child, Ezzy.

Ezzy has lived most of her life in a state of constant need.
Ezzy was never full.
Ezzy loathed sleep.
Ezzy shoved her face in my neck if anyone tried to talk to her.
Ezzy would permanently affix herself to my hip, if possible.
Ezzy was the complete opposite of her sister.

Ezzy made a liar out of me. The truth was out: I was a terrible mother.

When Ezzy turned two, she started crawling out of her crib and running around our house in the middle of the night. We spanked. We redirected. We locked doors. We cried. We begged. We pleaded.

But nothing worked. She didn’t sleep and we didn’t sleep. And it made everyone miserable.

I remember one night about three months into Ezzy’s sleepless season, I had just put her back to bed for the third or fourth time that night, and I was at a breaking point. I felt raw and empty. I had read about a hundred blogs, consulted books, called and texted friends, but no one had the magic password that would make my child SLEEP.

As I listened to my baby cry for me in her room, tears slipped down my face. Why won’t she sleep? I screamed internally. What am I doing wrong, here? Why can’t I get this right?

And somewhere in between sobs as I paced in front of her door, it hit me.

I was going about this all wrong. Not just the sleeping issue, but parenting in general. Because the truth is, parenting isn’t something you get right or wrong. Parenting isn’t a math problem or an English essay. Parenting isn’t a popularity contest or a war of wills.

Parenting is a relationship.

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Parenting isn’t something you get right or wrong… Parenting is a relationship.
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As I sat in the dark hallway crying, all the wonderful things about our Ezzy flooded my mind.

Ezzy has an incredible sense of humor.
Ezzy is truly brilliant.
Ezzy’s voice is so precious and sweet—it melts everyone who hears it.
Ezzy has charm for days and days and days.
Ezzy is passionate.
Ezzy is loving, tucking in her babies every night, and kissing them on the cheek.
And, after a painful miscarriage, Ezzy is the baby I had prayed and prayed for.

It’s easy to get on Instagram and Facebook, and start handing out grades.

Another vacation without kids? F.
Dressing your kids in matching Easter dresses? B+.
An elaborate Pinterest project? A.
Dinner out again? C.

And, in turn, we grade ourselves, too—each challenge we face with our kids deducting points from some cosmic parenting score.

This way of thinking is so destructive. We are not any other parent. If our child needed another parent more than they needed us, God would have given our children that parent.

You are uniquely wired to meet your child’s needs. And those needs you can’t meet? Those needs are reserved for their heavenly Father.

Does Ezzy sleep? Some nights. Some nights she doesn’t. But it doesn’t feel like failure anymore—it feels like a phase. A phase in the most important relationship your child will ever have.

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Doing Life Together

The first revelation that Saul who became Paul, had, was of the church. Jesus revealed to him the indivisibility between Himself and the church (Acts 9:4) Jesus gave Himself for her. He is returning for her. The redeemed of the Lord are to "receive one another because Christ received us" (Rom.15:7) Believers are exhorted to "bear with one another...forgive one another... put on love...let the peace of God rule in your hearts to which you were called in one body..." (Col.3:13-15)


Having fellowship with one another is more than finding agreement or even displaying our human preferences. The body of Christ is every member submitting to the Head and thereby being motivated and empowered to submit to its many parts. Personal preferences are trumped by honour of one another as sons and daughters and as brothers and sisters in Christ. We often say that 'blood is thicker than water'. In the body of Christ, His blood has bought reconciliation and wholeness. All that remains is for believers to receive it and to walk in it. Fellowship like community cannot be created. It can only be entered into. Like falling into love, believers are made to 'fall into fellowship'. When believers fellowship there will be expression for mutual growth, the basis of which is total forgiveness of sins.


Healthy (spiritually healthy) groups will have as their foundation the truth of total forgiveness. This is the only basis upon which we can do life together so that we all grow in Christ. Interestingly one of the core elements of Wesley's classes (small groups) was that its members knew 'forgiveness of sins'. From that foundation its members were able 'to speak in order, freely and plainly, the true state of our souls...' Jesus had the twelve with Him during the course of His ministry on earth. Because He is the essence of community (Father, Son and Holy Spirit), He initiated community with the twelve. Growth is never to be done alone. It is designed to happen in the context of community. Doing life together is the way we best grow in spite of individual tendencies. Healings, restorations and reconciliations are maximised in a relational context.


Fellowship happens well when it is received rather than when it is contrived or enforced. Like receiving salvation, it cannot be earned. When two or more believers meet in His name, fellowship is already established. It just needs to be realised. It is realised when we show humility toward one another and are at least courteous toward one another. We can be respectful of one another even if we don't agree with one another. The basis of health is not what I think or want but is the worth that we place upon the value of a person. This surely trumps all our so called differences!












This blog is based upon a message by Ross Smith, entitled "Doing Life Together" at The Vine church, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland, Australia, on 14th June 2015. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

Making The Most of Your Family’s Daily Rhythm (Part 2)

(This is part 2 in our 4 part series, Making The Most Of Your Family’s Daily Rhythm. Click here to read part 1 – Morning Time)

My parents live in northern Virginia. We live in Georgia. So when it comes to visiting my family, we’ve spent a lot of time in the car. Two years ago, I remember just having left our neighborhood embarking on what would be a twelve hour drive—if we were lucky and did not die a slow death in Washington DC’s rush hour. We were three minutes into the trip when my then three-year-old asked, “How much longer ’til we get there?”

For a lot of parents, and for a lot of kids, drive time is something to get through,a necessary evil we have to endure before arriving at our final destination: the grandparents house, the soccer game, the car pool line, the grocery store, church, or wherever else.

But drive time is another opportunity when we can infuse meaning into the every day moments with our kids.

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Drive time is an opportunity when we can infuse meaning into the every day moments with our kids.
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Drive Time

Your Role: Friend
Communication: Informal Dialogue
Goal: Interpret Life 

When you think about it, time in the car is packed full of potential. You are literally stuck in the same space with your kids as you drive from point A to point B. But this doesn’t have to be a death sentence. In fact, if you turn down the radio, turn off the DVD player, and use it as a time to connect with your kids, you may find yourself wishing for more (maybe not a twelve-hour drive, but you get the idea).

Drive time is the most laid back and non-threatening of the four times. You can avoid eye contact—which eliminates a lot of pressure—and use distractions to your advantage, allowing you to interact with your kids in a really casual way. Some of the best conversations can happen The goal here is to enter their world, talk about the stuff they love, the songs on the radio, the movies they want to see, the things that pique their interest. In that way it puts your kids in the driver’s seat, in the figurative sense, because they set the agenda for conversation.

The point isn’t to prove you’re cool because you’re up on the latest trends, bands and pop culture. Instead, it sends a message to your child that you ask the questions you do, you show interest in the things they like, because you actually like them. You aren’t stuck with them until the you get where you’re going, but you get these extra minutes as a gift, so why not make that time count by getting in their world?

To make the most of this time, learn to ask good questions:

What movies do you want to see?
What’s your favorite song right now?
What was the best part of your day? The worst?
What are you most looking forward to about where we are headed? What are you dreading?
Did anything funny happen today?
Did anything surprising happen?

As important as your initial question is to get them talking, your follow up one is even more important because it shows you’re listening. Remember, this is a time to connect, not work through a checklist.

For preschoolers, keep it simple. I love asking my boys their favorite color, truck, animal (you get the idea) on a regular basis because they are constantly changing. Make a game out of looking for cars the color they love, spying fire trucks, and other fun sightings.

For some of us, a win is just turning off the DVD player, and turning town the sports radio. Even if magic doesn’t happen in drive time, at least give it the space for it happen. And you’ll likely find that some of your best conversations with your kids, and most revealing, will happen in the car.

What are some of the best ways you’ve used the time in the car to connect with your child and not just pass the time?

Next Post: Meal Time (coming soon)

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Parenthood: The Marriage Fight

by Casey Darnell

My wife and I are fascinated by the show Parenthood and the characters. I could go on and on about various parallels or funny moments that hit home, but this moment in the video below, shut me down.

The show centers around the Braverman family.
In this particular season of the series, Joel and Julia are separated and their marriage is in a mess.
Joel isn’t fighting for them and seems to be giving up, leaving Julia and their 2 children broken-hearted.

This clip happens after a big family dinner where Zeek (Julia’s father) learns that Joel is opting out of his role as a godfather to their new baby niece.
Julia is noticeably broken and we know up till now she’s been doing everything she can to win her husband back.
As the family is fighting at the dinner table, Zeek quietly leaves and heads to Joel’s apartment.

The clip picks up with the conversation between Zeek and Joel.

Warning:
Before you watch it, be aware there is mild use of the words “hell” and “pissed” in their conversation.
I wrestled with sharing this and don’t want you to be caught off guard, but in light of the message of this clip,
I also don’t want you to miss it. Don’t let the words distract ya.  ;)

http://youtu.be/7eOrntbuSss

“When I walked Julia down the aisle, I gave her TO YOU!!!”
“I made a vow to support you and her in that marriage and I took you on as a son.”

How powerful is that?

You can draw your own conclusion from this, but here’s mine…
All of us at some point will experience times when we need someone to fight for us in the confusion of what we may be going through.
Not just quietly consoling, but boldy confronting.
Not just a pat on the back and a “I’ll pray for you” – but actually speaking up and saying the hard things.
Seeing an opportunity to intervene and taking it.
Maybe even helping defend someone from themselves when they are giving up and don’t have the strength.

This conversation stood out to me as inspiration for someone who may need to step in like Zeek did.
The situation may be different or it could be the same and you need to uphold the vow you took and help your kids fight FOR their marriage.
What he says in this is true… you don’t stop fighting for your kids when you give them away.

Imagine if more dads did this!
What do you think?

 

Casey Darnell is a husband, dad and musician. You can discover Casey’s music on iTunes or Google Play, and you can read his blog at http://ift.tt/1e7JPMV

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Through the Tough Decisions

During my first year of youth ministry, my husband and I had siblings that were also teenagers. My youngest sister would tell you that my role in her life was more similar to one of a parent than it was a sister.

Sometimes, my sister felt like my own child, someone I did my best to look after. So, when she made a choice that would drastically change the landscape of her future, I felt responsible. I felt like I hadn’t done enough to help her navigate toward making a better choice. I felt guilty for pouring my life into a youth group, while she was struggling through adolescent decisions.

She also felt guilty. I’m not sharing anything she wouldn’t share with you herself. She would tell you that she felt guilty and very much alone. In the tension of those two feelings she made decisions that she may not have made under different circumstances. But she made them.

During her sophomore year of high school she made a choice that changed everything. There was nothing I, nor anyone else, could do. (Or, so I initially thought.)

Months later, after my little sister gave birth to pre-mature twins, we saw her brokenness unraveled. But even more than that, we saw the power of loving someone as they are learning a life lesson. We saw the difference it can make in a person when you choose to remain deeply involved even after a choice changes everything.

Helpless sadness is a normal parental feeling I’ve observed while spending time with hundreds of parents who’ve shared their stories with me. They begin to feel hopeless and afraid when they realize their teenage children are becoming more autonomous.

So now, as a youth leader, my desire is to empower parents to know how they can help their kids when they start making difficult life choices.

Because it’s during those times, while feeling helpless, that we have a divine opportunity to teach and to love compassionately.

How do you teach good decision making while simultaneously loving them through decisions they wish they wouldn’t have made?

Courtney may have made a decision that led her down a tough path. But loving her through  it and riding out the consequences with her says more than an “I told you so” ever will.

Here are a few things that I recommend parents do to help their kids make decisions, deal with guilt, and move on toward healing when a decision hurts and has difficult consequences.

1. Give them a truth.

The kids in your life should know that they are created in God’s image, loved, always. If you get to choose when the song of your life get’s stuck on repeat, choose this verse:

You are loved. Valuable. Created in God’s image.

This means they are precious, regardless the circumstance, worth the investment of God’s love and ours.

2. Give them a way out.

Give your kids a plan before they need a plan. Imagine getting dropped off at a movie theater, and the friends you thought were coming aren’t coming and you’re stuck in a situation that makes you feel like it could be compromising or unsafe. Give them a plan before that happens by talking about “what would you do” scenarios on the car or at home. One parent I know has a “no questions asked” promise in place with their eighth grader. If they feel unsafe or need to get out of a situation that seems like it could be leading down a path they don’t want to go, they can text “I need a ride home” to their mom or dad—knowing that they don’t have to tell on their friends or talk about what happened right away. They can rest in the knowledge that there’s someone safe who will help them regardless.

3. Give them a tool.

Some decisions happen quickly, and there isn’t time to feel guilty or to realize something is wrong until after it’s already happened. But most of the time, we have time on our side. Teach kids to wait out a decision, to give it a day or two. Try it with small purchasing decisions first. Waiting to buy something is a good way to help kids think about what they really want and why they want it. It’s the same with other decisions. Encourage your kids to not make a decision with friends in the moment. They can say things like “that sounds really fun. I’m going to think about it and get back to you.” Having a night to think about the decision, it’s consequences ,and benefits teaches kids that they’re opinions and values matter in the process. And it also helps relieve anxiety around issues that they feel pressured on.

4. Give them a promise.

Keep this always on your lips: “No matter what happens, we love you.” Make a promise that your house is the safest place to mess up. Messing up is something all of us do, and when you mess up, we are here for you. The hope in this sort of love is that messing up becomes a less shameful learning process. Kids learn that guilt can be a good thing, it can reveal our values and hopes, and can steer us to a better decision.

I love my sister. Nothing can change that.
You love the kids in your house, nothing can change that.
And God loves you. Nothing can change that.

Have you ever tried to comprehend the way the love of God remains with us? It makes no sense that God would love us so much or that Jesus would be the friend of sinners. It makes no sense, but it is grace that God gives to those God created, grace God gives to you and to your kids, too.

May we all be a bit more brave as we teach kids how to make a choice, recover from a choice, and keep going in the unchanging presence of grace.

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Brooklyn Lindsey has been a youth pastor since 2001. She has authored numerous books and projects, and is a youth pastor at Highland Park Church of the Nazarene, her first priority. Second she is a speaker who loves teaching from the Bible, and leading people to live in response to God’s love. Brooklyn, while named after a city in New York, lives in the sunshine state with her husband, Coy, and their sweet girls, Kirra and Mya. Read more from Brooklyn at brooklynlindsey.com.

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Help Couples Get Their “WITH” Back

Sometimes you can be with someone, but not really WITH them.
Do you know what we mean? It happens all the time in marriage.
In fact it’s a natural occurrence. Couples drift. Get distracted. Disconnect happens.

Daily life pushes, pulls at couples.
The demands of work, kids, household repairs, retirement, kids, finances, health . . . did we mention kids?
It’s the one tension in everyday life that every couple, regardless of age or economic status faces.
Couples in the suburbs, in the city, in rural areas all deal with it.

The majority of the couples in your church aren’t in a crisis situation, no, the majority of couples in your church are disconnected.
Their WITH is broken.
Do you want to help couples get their WITH back? We know you do and we are here to help!

The 2015/16 MarriedPeople Strategy Pack, WITH, is now available. In it, you will find 25 do-able touchpoints to help couples connect. Every resource is intended to build a memory, or spark a discussion or encourage couples.

The WITH Strategy Pack includes:

4 Larger Group Experiences.
We’ve made it super easy to host four one-night events that connect couples with one another and with your church. Each Larger Group Experience is extremely flexible and customizable and contains videos, promotional material, and programming suggestions. We even include communicator videos featuring speakers like Andy Stanley, Ted Cunningham and Ted Lowe. Or you can choose to communicate on your own by taking our scripts and customizing them for your audience. In the WITH Strategy Pack, we’ll look at four different aspects of with: Fun With (Have Serious Fun), Switch With (Love God First), Not With (Practice Your Promise) and Feel With (Respect & Love).

5 Weeks of Small Group Material
Each year you get five small group sessions that work great for new small groups, existing small groups, or Sunday school classes. These resources bring married couples together with others who are for their marriage. It includes a Leader’s Guide and videos featuring real couples. (Participant’s guides are sold separately.)

4 Date Nights and 12 monthly E-ZINEs to Help Individual Couples
One of the most powerful things you can do for married couples is to give them simple tools and resources they can use on their own. They need to laugh, talk, affirm and connect. We provide four Date Nights and 12 monthly E-ZINEs to make that happen.

And MarriedPeople partners, we’ve listened to your feedback and this year we’ve included some NEW things you’ll be excited about:

• a Social Media Plan and tiles for each of the 4 Larger Group Experiences
• themed art for each Larger Group Experience and Date Night

Also, our five-week small group study focuses on helping couples with their WITH, while weaving the core 4 Habits (Love God first; Practice Your Promise; Have Serious Fun; Respect and Love) throughout each session. In other words, a single small group session will not focus on just one habit, as in previous year’s small groups. Why? Because rarely does daily life give us the opportunity to focus on just one core habit, but rather most of us deal with a blend of these habits.

For samples and more information about WITH, visit http://ift.tt/1KmaOAi.

 

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A Faith of Their Own

I was the mom with the schedule. Feeding schedule. Sleeping schedule. Reading and playtime schedule. I even had a written schedule on my refrigerator that I followed so I wouldn’t forget anything. I’m telling you, I was the schedule queen. (I’m shaking my head laughing just thinking about it.)

Why the scheduling? I simply wanted what was best for my kids. I wanted to make sure they got what they needed. Somehow I got it in my head that if I did everything perfectly things would be, well, perfect.

Yes. Perfect.

The perfect playgroup.
The perfect meal.
The perfect bath time.
The perfect toys.
The perfect preschool.
The perfect life.

We all know perfect is not possible.

No person . . .
No day. . .
No circumstance . . .
No life . . .
is perfect.

And yet we “good” parents try. I tried. (And then felt defeated when it wasn’t.)

At some point along the way, during those early preschool years, I began to see that no amount of micromanaging will ever prevent my children from disappointment and hurt.

We live in a fallen world.

Pain and disappointment are inevitable.

I came to the conclusion that rather than drive myself crazy trying to do the impossible, my time would best be best spent training my children to trust God no matter what and how they can respond to pain and disappointment in ways that honor Him.

I began focusing more on the heart, not the circumstance.

Rather than write letters requesting certain teachers for my kids at their public school, we prayed that God would give them who He wanted and help them honor Him in that classroom. Yes, a few times we got “that” teacher, and looking back, I wouldn’t trade the spiritual growth in my kids for anything.

When my kids get their feelings hurt by a peer, I don’t call the other mom. I encourage my children to have the hard conversation so they can learn how to become peacemakers, forgive, and love like Jesus.

When my son didn’t make the basketball team in middle school I could have had “the talk” with the coach or complained to fellow parents, but instead I encouraged my son to trust God, be the best water boy he could be, and cheer for his friends. He did. And I guarantee I was the proudest mom in the stands.

Do you see where I’m going with this? When we focus on trying to control the circumstances in our kid’s life, all in the name of “wanting what’s best,” we put ourselves where only God should be—in control.

Without meaning to, we teach our kids to look to us rather than to God. We teach our children to depend on us to fix every thing, rather than trusting that God will allow, do, fix whatever is best.

We teach our children that nothing bad should ever happen to them. And if that’s not a set-up for disappointment down the road, I don’t know what is!

I can honestly say, after 18 years of parenting and three teenagers later, I experience more joy watching my children respond to trials with wisdom and faith than watching them live life trouble free.

So, keep the sleeping schedule, and make sure you provide lots of great books to read and healthy things to eat, but when it comes to circumstances that God allows in our lives—into your kid’s life—don’t ask, “How can I change what is happening?” Train yourself and your kids to ask, “How can I respond to this in a way that will make God smile?”

Nothing is more important than helping your children develop a faith of their own, for the day will come too soon when mom and dad can’t fix it.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28, NIV

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Autumn Ward writes for the First Look preschool curriculum and is the Creative Director for Parent Cue Initiatives at Orange. She is the author of “The Christmas Story“, a preschool rhyming board book. Autumn believes every parent can be a spiritual hero in their child’s life and it’s never too soon to begin sharing God’s story of love with them. She and her husband, Chad, live in Cumming, GA with their two teenage daughters, Sarah and Anna. Their son, Joseph, has left the nest and is a student at the University of Georgia. You can find Autumn on Twitter, @autumnrebekah.

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Belonging Is Forever

One of the basic needs that we all have is the need to belong. In fact, we are designed in God to have that need fulfilled through meaningful relationship with Him and with one another. Without Him we will look for fulfilment from one another. The problem with that however, is that no person can ever be the source of our belonging. Not even the most 'functional' of families can be that source because to some extent we are all flawed human beings and we have a habit of passing forward our flaws.


Every person however is offered the opportunity to receive a different family connection through the a local church that has Christ as its cornerstone or foundation. The church is made up of people who have received Jesus. "...as many as received Him (Jesus) He gave the right to become children of God to those who believe in  His name." (John 1:12) The church, His spiritual family will outlast our natural families. Belonging in Christ is in fact forever!


Belonging in Christ entitles the believer to an inheritance that includes total forgiveness of sins, no condemnation and the riches of His grace. It will also give a new identification as a member of His family. It will also provide a sense of inclusion. These are characteristics of new belonging. This new belonging is designed to be nurtured through local church connection. Believers are urged to "receive one another just as Christ received us..." (Rom.15:7) We learn to 'receive' one another in a relational context through a local church. We learn to grow together, not alone. We are exhorted to be 'joined together', 'built together', 'held together', 'heirs together' and even 'caught up together'. We are urged to honour the body of Christ.


The believer cannot say 'I want Jesus but I don't want His body' That's the same as saying 'I like the bridegroom but I have no time for the bride!' Jesus gave Himself for His bride. The church of Jesus Christ and Jesus Himself is inseparable. They are indivisible. New belonging happens when we see what Jesus sees about His church. The first revelation that Saul (later called Paul) had, was of the church. Jesus spoke to Him saying "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?" Paul would become the greatest advocate of the church urging its members "to receive one another just as Christ received them" I pray that we will see the church of Jesus Christ the way heaven sees it and that we will among its greatest advocates.










This blog is based upon a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine church on 7th June 2015. The full message can be downloaded by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

Making The Most of Your Family’s Daily Rhythm (Part 1)

Time is a tricky thing. As kids, we have more than we know what to do with. But as adults—especially once we have kids of our own, it never feels like we have enough. So when it comes to utilizing the time we have with our kids, learning to handle it well is essential.

In Deuteronomy 6, Moses has received the Ten Commandments and is telling the Israelites what to do with what they just heard. He mentions four specific times in the day when the families are to recall the law God has given them: sitting at home, walking along the road, lying down, and getting up. Moses points out these times of day to make a point to the people he is leading. Make the time you have count by building into the quantity of your everyday moments, the space to create quality moments to talk about the things that are important.

Interestingly, what he says translates well into our world today. While it may look differently as our kids grow up, we must take advantage of the time we already have within the rhythm of our day to talk about what matters most with them.

So, over the next few weeks we are going to break down four specific times that happen naturally during the day. And for intentionality’s sake, we’ve assigned some very specific goals to them. We’ve generally called these Morning Time, Drive Time, Meal Time, and Bed Time.

We’ll start with Morning Time.

Role: Coach
Communication: Encouraging Words
Goal: Instill purpose

Mornings can be rough. With babies, it generally starts earlier than any parent wants. With kids, getting the school projects, show and tell, lunches, and child itself out the door is a task of epic proportions. With teenagers, the actual waking them up part is enough to rob you of joy for the rest of the day.

But maybe part of what makes mornings hard is we try to get through them more than we try to use them. If we had a goal—like instilling purpose, and a mode of accomplishing it, like encouraging words, we could change the look and feel of our day.

My husband literally treats morning like a coach with his team—giving our two boys a pep talk before he heads out the door. It’s like a motivational speech—which is the point: to encourage and inspire the boys for the day ahead. He tells them how he knows they are going to be kind to each other, treat each other in a loving way and give their mama no drama. Some days it feels like a “name it and claim it”—like if he puts the idea in their head, there’s a better chance of it actually happening.

Sometimes it works. Other times it doesn’t.

But the point is to start the day that way because it gives kids, even in an indirect way, a really crucial understanding. Every day is fresh. Every day is new. Every day is the chance to do this all again, and to maybe even do better than we did last time. Mornings are where forgiveness and lack of grudges can show up best.

So what are some practical morning time tips?

• Communicate ideals for the day, in conduct and behavior with hope—not demands. Let your kids know you want them to win for the day.

• Learn your kid’s schedules and what they have coming up. Tests? Try outs? The dreaded mile-run in PE? Show them you care, by being in the know about what’s going on in their life.

• Tell your kids how proud you are of them, how much you believe in them, and the potential you see in them. No matter how old they are, they will never outgrow the need for encouraging words.

• Reserve at least five minutes for yourself, before your kids get up. It’s hard to instill purpose in others if you feel depleted.

• Set the tone for your home. Don’t let your kids’ emotions steer the ship. How do you want the mornings to feel? Then do everything you can to make them feel that way.

Next we’ll talk about how to be more intentional with Drive Time, but before we go, what are some of the ways you are intentional with Morning Time in your home?

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Sarah Anderson writes for the XP3 student curriculum at Orange. She is married to Rodney Anderson and is mom to two beautiful bouncy boys, Asher and Pace. Follow her on Twitter @sarahb_anderson.

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We’re Okay

by Shaunti Feldhahn

Men: when you are upset, before you pull away, reassure you’re wife that “we’re okay.”

There is one fairly simple thing you as a guy can do that will dramatically increase your wife’s happiness and security in marriage: when you are displeased with her, reassure her that you love her before you pull away to get some space.

I know you think that shouldn’t be necessary! Of course she knows I love her, you think to yourself,we’re just arguing and I’m just upset, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love her!

But there is something you need to know about most women. And this truth will, I hope, suddenly make sense of this confusion – and give you a good insight into what to do — the next time you two are at odds.

You see, when you said, “I do,” you thought the deal was closed. In all likelihood, the question “Does she love me?” has never again crossed your mind. But according to our nationally-representative surveys of women, your wife probably sees things completely differently. The vast majority of women (somewhere in the 80-90 percent range), secretly wonder things like, Am I lovable? And in marriage, that translates to Does he really love me? Would he choose me all over again?

So you see, for her, her “I do” will probably always mean “Do you?”
Yes, she probably knows with her mind that you love her, but sometimes her feelings need to be convinced. If she’s like most women, she is more vulnerable than you ever realized to doubting whether she is loveable and loved. Conflict, your withdrawal, even your silence can trigger those feelings – and they are painful. As one strong, confident woman ruefully told us in our research for For Men Only, “I know it is not the most modern, liberated thing, but some very desperate feelings arise when I feel like he is displeased with me.”

And those desperate feelings may lead to some words and actions that may be . . . um . . . counterproductive to peace in the home. But it is entirely because she needs to be reassured of your love. Although there are certainly exceptions (and also cases where men function this way too), for eight out of ten women, when something’s not right between her and her man, it is difficult or impossible for them to get it off her mind. As several women put it, “When we’re at odds, nothing is right with the world until the issue is resolved.”

The good news is that, now that you know this, the simple solution is to reassure her. Words like, “I’m angry and I need some space… but honey, I want you to know that we’re okay.” Actions like a quick hug when you come back from getting that space, to show that you’re working things through and still there. A quick reconnection a few hours later that says you’re done working things through and you’re sorry for the conflict – whatever those words and actions are, they may seem minor to you, but they are priceless to her. Trust me on this, guys: P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S.

In fact, do those actions and words of reassurance each time you have conflict or are upset . . . and I’ll bet you’ll find a really welcome pattern emerging. You’ll be so good at making her feel secure, that in most cases, I bet you’ll find the conflict arising a lot less often.

 

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, and The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more information. 

Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here. 

 

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How Kids Learn to Stand Up For What’s Right

When I was little I wanted to be a super hero, pretty much because it would be cool to fly like Superman or have all those crazy gadgets like Batman. But also because I thought it would be pretty amazing to have the courage to stand up for what was right. Super heroes rarely show fear. They know what they need to do and muster the strength to get it done.

Superheroes defeat the bad guy, right what’s been wronged, and always get the girl.

But life isn’t all comic books and actions movies, is it? The bad guy isn’t always obvious. What’s right is not always apparent. And let’s not even talk about girls . . .

All too easily we can find ourselves on the wrong side of conviction, standing up for something or someone that in the end isn’t worth the effort.

And for our kids, figuring out how to stand up for what’s right can be tricky. Kids can get into some pretty heated discussions about what they think is right, like how cookie dough is better than moose tracks ice cream or DC Comics is better than Marvel.

Then there’s the kid who just wants to be accepted so much that he’ll do anything his classmates ask of him—even if what they’re asking could get him into trouble. His conviction for wanting to be liked trumps his convictions for showing respect towards others.

For kids, standing up for what’s right is one of the most difficult lessons to learn. But thankfully, as parents we have a unique opportunity to influence our kids and help them navigate the wise choice while the stakes aren’t so high.

So how do we do that? How do we help our kids understand what’s right?

Maybe start with conversations about what you support as opposed to what you’re against—things like grace, second chances, loving our neighbors, loving our enemies or fighting for the underdog. Children have a better chance of showing conviction if they can identify what they’re fighting for rather than what they’re against.

Then take it a step further and talk about how to stand up for what’s right. You can have conviction but be a jerk about it. Help them understand the balance of grace and truth, how to love others while being true to their convictions.

Find examples of other kids and let your kids see people their own age showing conviction. In the book Stand Up: Get in the Story, we included eight stories of kids starting incredible initiatives to stand up for what’s right to help others. Read about them or watch their stories on YouTube. Inspire your own kids with stories from kids and students who are changing the world with their conviction.

Be the example yourself. Our kids are watching us. They see the choices we make about how we spend our time and money, how we respond to the challenges we face. Perhaps even bring them into the decision making process and allow them to see you wrestle with what’s right and how you’ll respond.

Most importantly, let your kids know that they don’t need to do this on their own. We are created in God’s image; God has given all of us the ability to know what is right and the ability to do it. Because conviction is rooted in God’s character, not an individual’s personal opinion or attitude, we can stand up for what’s right and trust that God will have our back.

Someday our kids will be out on their own and have to make decisions about what to support. While they’re with you, influence them to stand up for what’s right, even when others don’t. This world needs a generation of superheroes—kids who grow up knowing how to stand for what is right, in the right way. Let’s show our kids that they can do that because God is with them—and gives them the power to Stand Up and Get in the Story.

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Dan Scott works at Orange in New Product Development and is the Art Director and Large Group Director for 252 Basics. Dan and his wife Jenna have four amazing kids: Liam, Ellison, Addison, and Taye. You can read more from Dan on his blog, DanScottBlog.com, or on Twitter, @DanScott77.

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Surviving the Pressure

(If you’re in ministry, you understand pressure. That’s why we are reposting this great article Carey Nieuwhof wrote about the pressures of marriage. Carey is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multicampus church north of Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Community Church. He’s also a husband and a father.)

How’s your marriage?

Really?

I’ve been fortunate to be married to my wife Toni for over 22 years. And we’re experiencing more joy and satisfaction in our marriage than we’ve ever had.

But we almost didn’t make it.

There’s a lot of pressure on marriages and families today. We’ve felt it. Intensely.

Life and leadership put a lot of strain on a marriage. Add kids and jobs into the mix and the pressure sometimes can get ultra intense.

I wish I could say I have an ideal marriage, but I can’t.
I wish I could say we never fight, but I can’t.
I wish I could say I’ve led my family perfectly, but that wouldn’t be true.

Recently at Connexus Church, where I serve, my wife Toni joined me and together we shared the message. Although we’d talked about sharing the message on different subjects over the years, this was the first time we’d ever done it.

As part of a series on love, we talked as openly and transparently as we could about the very real struggles we faced. About seasons in which she didn’t think our marriage was going to make it, and about seasons were I wasn’t sure how we were going to get through.

Like many couples, we started out strong, but the busy-ness of life, the pressure of ministry and our own baggage and issues interfered to the point where we both felt our marriage was broken.

We weren’t sure how to fix it, or whether it was reparable, but we both refused to believe God had given up on us or our family. So we pushed through.

I hope our story will encourage you like it encouraged many in our congregation.

I know
How tough leadership can be
How exhausting (and exhilarating) ministry is
How guys don’t like to do the things we tell other people to do
How easy it is to quit

But both Toni and I have come to a place where we are so thankful we didn’t quit.

Although we went through seasons where our emotions were painful and made us want to escape, our emotions eventually caught up to our obedience.

But for your reference, here are the seven things we talk about in the message that helped us make it through.

While we’re hesitant to say we’ve got it figured out, we want to share them in the hopes they might help you like they helped us:

1. We had dates nights. We saw evenings with each other as investments, not expenses. Although we sometimes felt guilty for time away from the kids, we knew that one of the best gifts you can give your kids is a healthy marriage.
When it got really tough, I began to resent date nights because they would turn into ‘date arguments’, but I’m so glad we pushed through that. Prioritize your spouse. No matter what.

2. We prayed for our marriage. Again, I wish I was the hero. But I wasn’t. Even as a pastor, something inside me resisted praying out loud with my wife. We did manage to pray together, and we both believe with all our hearts that it is Christ who has kept our marriage together. A cord of three strands is indeed not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

3. We sought Christian counseling. You can see a pattern developing here, but it was easier for Toni to seek help than for me to do so. I’m sure it was pride. But good, Christian counselling, among other things, helped us to stop the cycle of blame and replace it with responsibility.

4. When we hit impasses, we went to a third party. Having a handful of people (and a small group) you love and trust is a God-send, literally. We are grateful for our closest friends who prayed for us and helped us.

5. We took divorce off the table. This should probably be in 82 point font and underlined. Out of obedience, we refused to quit. I believe God wanted us to press through, so I did. And I kept thinking about the story I wanted God to write for my kids, family and ministry. Divorce was off the table.

6. We worked to build an authentic friendship. Sure, we were great friends when we got married, but many people go through a period for a decade or so where you so focus on the kids you almost have to reintroduce yourself when that season ends. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re friends. We’ve become great friends (again) and are really excited about the times ahead, now that our kids are getting older (21 and married, 17 and in high school).

7. We put our obedience ahead of our emotions. Sometimes you have to do the right thing, even if you don’t feel like it. And eventually, our emotions caught up with our obedience. All the hard work and our trust in Christ paid off, and we are in a season where I think we’re reaping the harvest from the good seed we sowed in a tough season. We’re both incredibly thankful.

Toni and I share this in the hopes it encourages you.

While our marriage hasn’t been easy, it’s been so worth it.

We’re at a place where we had always hoped to be, but didn’t know how to get to. And our emotions have caught up with our obedience.

What’s helped you? What are you learning? What remains as your biggest struggle?

 

Carey Nieuwhof speaks to North American and global church leaders about leadership, change and personal growth.  Carey is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-authored “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner.  He and his wife Toni live near Barrie, Ontario and have two sons, Jordan and Sam.  He blogs at http://ift.tt/1bdw8GN and hosts the top-rated Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast every week.

This article originally appeared on Carey’s blog. Reposted with permission.

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Facing the Elephant in the Room: 4 steps to dealing with unresolved pain.

I once read a story of a mexican zoo keeper who was cleaning out the elephant enclosure and made a fatal mistake of turning his back on the elephant. The zookeeper was just going about his job, doing what he always did, but suddenly found himself pinned by the elephant against the wall unable to escape.  The elephant wasn't angry or looking to hurt the zoo keeper, but just backed up in his pen. Because the zoo keeper forgot to face the elephant as he worked it ended up crushing him.

A bit gruesome I know, but I think it illustrates how life can sometimes. Life is messy, in life we experience pain, we cause pain and sometimes we have to deal with other people's pain even when we don't want to. 

Pain, especially unresolved pain can become like the "Elephant in the Room." you might try to ignore it, pretend its not there but it rubs up and bumps up against everything. It affects the way we talk to our kids, it taints the way we speak to our spouses and we even filter life experiences through pain. Often we find ourselves reacting to insignificant incidents with great emotional outbursts or overreactions because of the pain we filter our life experiences through. It shows up at special occasions and family get togethers and no matter how much we try to ignore it, it's always there.

Pain is like an elephant in the room. It can crush you, trample you or become your greatest strength.

What can often make it worse is, resolving the situation may be beyond our control. Maybe the person that we have hurt or who hurt us, is now gone, and we're left carrying the memory of the wound? Or perhaps you've tried to reconcile the situation but the other person in not interested in doing so. What do you do then? How do you learn to manage that sort of pain so that it doesn't have such a huge impact on you? 

3 things that I have found to help in these sort of situations are:

1. Name it
Admit the the pain you feel. Acknowledge that you might need some help. Ignoring pain or pretending it doesn't exist is never a long term solution. Sooner or later the elephant will back up and overwhelm you. 

2. Seek Wise Council
Be mindful about who you share you situation with and seek help. Friends are great but they are not always good at showing us our realities or giving us practical steps to move forward. Facebook is definitely not the place to seek help... just saying. A pastor, community leader or good counselor can always be a good place to start depending on the situation. Just speak with someone who is equipped to help you through your pain, not just listen to you complain about it.

3. Invite God into the situation
I truly believe the God is interested in seeing us find healing from our pain, but we can often be so busy trying to control our situation that we neglect to even acknowledge our need for God.

Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest..." (Matt 11:28)

4. Small Steps
Healing from emotional pain doesn't come overnight, it takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. Take small realistic steps towards changing your situation. You can only eat an elephant 1 bite at a time. Don't expect change to happen overnight, it seldom does and you'll only be disappointed it you expect it to. 

Facing the elephant in the room is never easy, but when we do, the pain we've experienced can often become our greatest strength. There is much more I have said on this topic in my sermon "Faceing the Elephant in the Room", that you can listen to here: http://thevinechurchlogan.podomatic.com/entry/2015-05-31T01_10_03-07_00

Let me know what you think. is there anything you've done to face and heal from unresolved pain in your life? Feel free to tell me about it in the comments below. 

Be brave and face your elephant, you'll be glad you did. 

This post first appeared on www.tarunstevenson.com
Tarun Stevenson is a school teacher and the assistant pastor at The Vine Church, Logan. He Tarun lives in Brisbane, Australia with his wife Melanie and three sons Kai, Taj and Israel.