For Richer, For Poorer: Say No to Debt, Say Yes to Freedom . . . 5 Quick Steps

by Meygan Caston

Our world was shattered in our fifth year of marriage. Casey lost his job, we had a newborn, and had over 100K of debt. We lost our friends, our independence, our home, our cars and our identity. We were broken and embarrassed. We pointed our fingers, trying to blame each other and then it hit us like a ton of bricks.

We had NEVER spoken about our finances together. We didn’t do a budget, or have a savings account, no plan B, and we honestly thought the money would always come in. No wonder we were in this predicament. It was 100% our fault and there was no one else to blame but ourselves.

Did you know that the average American in debt carries $15,252 of consumer debt (not including cars, student loans or mortgage)? Our total consumer debt for this nation is in the billions! We must love to spend money we don’t have.

Debt is a huge burden you cannot afford to carry around in your marriage. Debt is the result when people don’t have the control to wait and save their money. We were those people who put things on credit card, paid the minimum payment each month, bought more things, repeat and spend, repeat and spend and so on. We lived our life thinking that money will always be there and my job will always be there. We had to learn the hard way and we wouldn’t wish that on any family.

People who have debt also have a higher risk for cancer, heart disease, sleep loss and headaches. Casey and I lost several nights of sleep when we owed money to what seemed like everyone we knew and found ourselves stressed out a lot. Anytime a small emergency would happen, like a flat tire or a trip to urgent care, we panicked and had little to no resources. Because we didn’t have any money and were living paycheck to paycheck, a $50 urgent care co-pay felt like a million dollars.

But there is HOPE. If you feel like you are drowning in debt and can’t seem to pay all of your bills, remind yourself that thousands of people daily choose to make wiser financial decisions. You can too and just like we did. It takes dedication, intense focus, a plan and the will to make sacrifices, but it’s possible and so freeing when you work as a team.

It took us 3 years, 4 weeks and 18 days to pay off all of our debt, but we did it and with the help of Dave Ramsey.

Start with these 5 steps:

1. Cut back on nonessential spending, such as eating out at restaurants, impulsive trips to coffee shops, buying name brand prescription drugs, lottery tickets, bottled water and those silly singing birthday cards.
2. Add up all debt (student loans, car payments, even personal loans from a friend or family member count). Post the grand total up in your office or refrigerator.
3. Start an emergency fund of $500-$1,000. DO NOT TOUCH IT unless there is a true emergency. Common emergencies are a trip to the ER, a broken water heater, or a flat tire. Wanting that new blouse or the absolute latest smartphone is not an emergency.
4. Start a budget. There are tons of apps and free budget sites you can use if you’ve never done one before that walk you through all the steps. The key to having a successful budget is doing it with your spouse and doing it each month. Our favorites are Mint.com and Dave Ramsey’s budget forms which are both free.
5. After you and your spouse have done your budget, take any extra money and put any extra cash to the loan with the smallest amount owed. Each month you will pay as much as you can to that one loan and pay the minimum payments to all the other loans you have. This is for a quick win! It will feel incredible to get rid of that credit card payment. Once the debt is paid off, cut the card and throw it away so you’re not tempted to rack up more debt.

Why is it important for couples to be wise with their money? When we have a financial plan, we are free to live a simpler life with our mate. When we say no to debt and yes to being wise with our money, we are able to give more to those in need and work smarter, not harder. There will be less stress, less arguing, less anxiety, more sleep, more date nights and more time for fun.

Marriage Challenge: Choose one of the 5 steps above and start practicing it in your marriage. Let us know how it goes. Is money something you can talk about with your spouse? What are your biggest issues when dealing with money?

 

Meygan is an author and blogger along with her husband, Casey, at marriage365.org. You can also follow them on Twitter @marriage365. 

Reposted with permission. Article originally appeared here.

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Just Listen

“Mom, I just need you to listen.”

These were the words of my 16-year-old daughter this past week.

I had been sitting on the edge of her bed for a good 45 minutes listening to her talk for what seemed like 3 hours. I had a list as long as my arm of things I needed to do before I went to bed. I was exhausted from a long day at work, taking her younger sister to softball practice, cooking dinner, laundry, homework, blah, bah, blah.

And now it was 11:00 PM.

11:00 PM.

I had only gone into her room to say a quick goodnight.

As I fidgeted around trying to stay focused with one leg stretched towards her door, I heard myself say,

“Baby, you keep saying the same thing over and over. When will you be done?”

I knew those were not the right words as soon as I said them. But there they were. Out of my mind and into her heart. Her eyes filled with tears and that’s when she let me know all she needed was for me to just listen.

In that moment she didn’t need me to drive her anywhere, buy her anything or even say anything. She just needed me to listen.

Listening is one of the hardest things we will ever do as parents.
Listening is also one of the most important things we will ever do as parents.

Why is listening so hard?

Well, for me it’s hard because I like to talk.

I want to tell you . . .
what I think.
what you should do.

And then be done and move on to the next thing on the list.

I do not need repetition. I got it the first time. And yet my child still has the need to tell me the same story over and over and over again. Not because I didn’t hear or understand her the first time, but because she is still processing and needs someone to listen. That someone is me.

And for your child, that someone is you.

One thing I’ve learned— or am learning as my daughter reminded me this past week— is that listening is important. And if you’re like me, it’s a skill that takes practice. But that’s good news. Practice helps! The skill of listening can be learned, and we can get better at it. And even better news for parents whose kids are younger, just starting to tell you their stories, feelings and ideas, you have lots of time to work on your listening skills.

Listen to them tell you about the bug they found, the movie they watched, the toys they play with, and by all means listen to them sing their favorite song . . . again.

Listen to them tell you about what the kid next to them had for lunch, how their favorite video game works, and why one stuffed animal can’t sit by the other on their bed.

All of this listening in the preschool and elementary years is getting you ready for the bigger stuff headed your way. And the best part, you are building a relationship with your kids that says, “I care about what you have to say. You can tell me anything.”  

Isn’t that the kind of relationship we want with our kids? One where they believe we care about what they have to say and they can tell us anything?

If we want our kids to feel like they can tell us anything, then we need to be willing to listen to anything.

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If we want kids to feel like they can tell us anything, we need to be willing to listen to anything.
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If it’s important to them, we need to choose to make it important to us.

We will have to fight the urge to interrupt their stories with a quick life lesson.

And we will have to keep a tight reign on our emotions. (Ahh…emotions!)

Oh, and just a heads up . . . Kids, especially teens, want to talk when they want to talk, and it will rarely be at a convenient time. Which is why I found myself clinging to the edge of my daughter’s bed nearing midnight.

But trust me on this one, if you choose to close your mouth and open your ears, you will end up knowing more than you ever wanted to know about what’s going on in your kid’s life, and more importantly everything you need to.

And you may just find yourself, leaving a bedroom exchanging a to-do list for a prayer list, because you now know the heart of your kid in a way you would have never known if all you had done was just say goodnight.

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How to Quickly, Perfectly Figure Out What Unique Talent Your Kid Has

Wasn’t that an encouraging title for a blog post? Wouldn’t it be awesome if there were a way for us as parents to quickly help our kids figure out what unique talent they have? Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could help them know at age 8 or 18 what their calling was so they could go ahead and start working toward a passion they will perfectly pursue for the rest of their lives?

That would be fantastic, but of course, it’s not possible.

I’ll turn 40 soon, and I still don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life. I’m still a work in progress, and ten years ago wouldn’t have predicted what I’d be doing today.

Sometimes we put this pressure on ourselves as parents. It starts from a genuine place, the desire to help our kids navigate the world. If we’re not careful though, it can mutate into an impossible quest to answer questions only time and God can answer.

When my youngest daughter expressed an interest in art, I instantly decided, “She found her thing! She’s an artist! From here on out, that’s what she’s all about!”

I started buying her art supplies for every birthday, Christmas, and minor holiday that requires a gift. We had an artist on our hands, and now that her path was set, at 4 years old mind you, we could help steer her in the right direction. An after-school art class soon followed, and we even made her a little studio in our house. (It’s a small closet under the stairs, much like Harry Potter’s bedroom.)

The artist’s life was progressing nicely right up until the moment she asked to quit her art class. She wanted to try gymnastics instead. Wait, what? You’re an artist, a visual artist! You use paints and paper and markers and glitter, so much glitter.

For a minute, I forgot she was a kid. I forgot she was still exploring. I forgot my job as a parent was to help her try a lot of different things. Maybe she’ll love art for the rest of her life. Maybe she’ll become a chemist. Or a hairdresser. It’s hard to say right now, because she’s only 9.

Help your kids figure out their passions. When you do though, stoke their curiosity, don’t suffocate it. Don’t wound it with unreasonable expectations. Don’t assume you’re going to land on an interest they’ll chase for the next 80 years of their life.

One day they might like art. The next day they might like cartwheels.

That’s okay.

Give them runway to explore both, encourage them to stick with it when they want to quit for the wrong reasons, and encourage them to try something new when it’s time.

And if you have some suggestions on what I should do with my life, if you have a quick way for me to figure out exactly what to do for the next 40 years, hit me up on Twitter. I’m very curious.

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Choosing Between the Urgent and the Best

by Dot Bowen, Speaker and the Founder of Cup of Joy

I struggle daily with choosing between what I need to do and what I should do, between the urgent and best. Maybe you feel the same at times. What do you do when you feel like life—or others—are controlling you and you are not doing what your heart wants to do? Thankfully, there is an answer in Scripture.

Jesus loved Mary and Martha, two sisters who lived in Bethany, and their brother Lazarus. Because Bethany is a few miles from Jerusalem, their home was a frequent stop for Jesus. Perhaps you can imagine everything that needed to get done to make Jesus feel loved and welcomed. Martha was the doer in the family while Mary was a little more laid back. This meant that when Jesus came to visit, she was consumed with what was urgent rather than what was best.

When Martha was in the kitchen getting everything ready, Mary was enjoying Jesus’ company. Can you imagine Martha’s frustration? I don’t know exactly what Martha was thinking, but based on her words to Jesus, I’d say she was not happy! Maybe she was thinking, If Mary would help me I could sit at the feet of Jesus too! Finally, after one trip too many to the kitchen, Martha blurted out something that she probably wished she could take back. Her words showed that she had allowed the urgent to take control of the best. She said to Jesus, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” (Luke 10:40). Oh dear—Martha not only questioned Jesus’ concern for her, but she allowed her concern for the urgent to push her to tell Jesus what to do!

I love Jesus’ reply. “Martha, Martha,” he said. (Maybe He had to say her name twice to get her to slow down long enough to gain her attention). He didn’t say, “Martha, STOP serving me!” but instead said, “Why are you worried and upset about so many things?” Jesus wanted her not concern herself with making everything perfect but to enjoy Him instead.

Do you relate to Martha? Can you imagine Jesus sitting in your kitchen but finding yourself so busy cooking that you fail to speak to Him? We often find ourselves so busy that we don’t take time to sit at His feet in prayer. We allow the urgent to take over the best.

Several years ago my view of prayer was challenged and I wrestled with what I really believe about prayer. Do I truly believe that I am entering into the presence of God when I pray? If I do truly believe I enter into the presence of God when I lift up my voice to Him, would it be difficult to slow down to communicate with Him?

Have you ever gotten frustrated while waiting on God to act? As a result, have you ever tried to tell Him what to do? When you allow what’s urgent to take over your daily life, you may find your prayer life consumed with telling Jesus to change your situation or to bring you help rather than enjoying Him. And when there is not an immediate response you may find yourself asking, “Jesus, don’t you care?”

Before we become frustrated and begin telling Jesus what to do, we need to slow down and see if He is waiting for us to sit at His feet and talk to Him. Jesus is very clear that being with Him is far more important than serving Him—and slowing down to focus on Him will allow you to discern what is urgent and what is best.

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Oxytocin a.k.a Oxy…Oh Yeah!

by Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author, Speaker, Life/Relationship Coach

When we are tenderly touched by another human being, a wonderful hormone called oxytocin is released. Then what happens? We feel good about the person who touched us, and we crave even more touch from the same person. It creates a powerful, relationship-building upward spiral. The more we’re touched, the more we want to be touched, and the more touching going on, the more oxytocin being produced. It’s like a powerful magnet drawing us together with greater and greater force.

Oxytocin is exponentially more effective when coupled with estrogen (which women produce far more of than men), which explains why women form such a deep emotional bond with their sex partners and have a more difficult time “letting go and moving on” than men do when a relationship crumbles. This also explains why women place far more weight on the “emotional/spiritual” side of sexuality than on the “physical/mental” side. We simply fail to recognize that it’s the “physical” side that results in such a strong emotional connection in the first place.

Oxytocin can be triggered by emotional cues such as the glance of a lover or the sound of a loved one’s voice. These cues can create stars in our eyes, fireworks in our mind, and swarms of butterflies in our stomach. This hormone increases testosterone production in both men and women, which sends our sex drives into high gear, and oxytocin levels skyrocket to the highest levels when women experience orgasm. As our nipples and genitals are stimulated, even more oxytocin is produced, which creates an overwhelming desire for sexual intercourse and orgasmic response, which creates more oxytocin, and so on, and so on. If you want to reignite the flame of marital passion, oxytocin is just the fuel you need.

So the next time you feel like you are hitting a sexual wall and you can’t imagine “giving in” to his sexual advances, simply determine to climb over that wall instead. You may very well experience what many other sexually confident wives experience on the other side of that wall — absolute euphoria.

Be aware that oxytocin production (or the lack thereof) can also work against your sex drive. If this hormone isn’t being released in your system regularly, you may feel an overwhelming temptation to withdraw emotionally and physically, creating a downward spiral in the relationship. Perhaps you or your husband are not satisfied with how often you experience “the big O” (orgasm) or how often you desire to engage in any sort of sexual activity, but the real culprit may be that you don’t get enough of the “big O” hormone (oxytocin). If a woman isn’t touched regularly enough outside the bedroom, she may find that she is violently opposed to being touched inside the bedroom. A vicious cycle is created, as she is no longer open to the very touch she needs.[i] The remedy for not feeling like you want to touch or be touched by your husband, therefore, is to touch anyway. Go through the actions, and your feelings quickly catch up. Oxytocin production ensures this will be the case.

I would never be so cold as to say to a woman struggling with her sexuality, “Get over it, and get naked!” But I’ll let you do the math. One naked, oxytocin-producing man plus one naked, oxytocin-producing woman equals one intimately connected couple.

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Six Questions That Will Radically Change Your Marriage

by Justin Davis, Co-Founder of Refineus.org

Life is busy. Trish and I used to think that the “next” season of life would be less hectic, less stressful, less busy than our current season. Life doesn’t seem to get less busy with time; it only picks up steam.

It is easy to go days, weeks and even months without intentionally connecting with your husband or wife. You live in the same house, but stop sharing life together. It’s gradual. It’s incremental. It happens to the best of marriages.

What if you could help your marriage be more about relationship and less about business? It’s easy to know our spouse’s schedule and forget about their heart. These six questions will recalibrate your marriage.

1. How can I serve you this week?

You want to capture the heart of your spouse, ask this question on Sunday night. It’s easy to focus on our to-do list. We have plans; we have deadlines; we have obligations. But we open up a new level of intimacy in our marriage when we ask our spouse how we can place their needs ahead of our own.

2. What has you stressed or anxious?

Is there a question that communicates care and concern more than this question? When you ask this question, you are inviting your spouse to be vulnerable with you. You are also communicating to them, “You’re not alone. I’m in this with you.”

3. What is the most important thing you need to accomplish this week?

Unspoken expectations are always unmet expectations. Most of the conflict we experience in marriage derive from unmet expectations. If you know what your spouse needs to get done in a given week, you can be an ally for them in that process. I always appreciate when Trish asks me this question. It let’s me know that she is interested in the details of my week.

4. What can we do to grow closer to God this week?

Busyness is often the biggest obstacle to intimacy with God. When my life gets busy, the first thing I give up is time with God. It is sad, but true. As a husband and wife grow closer to God, they grow closer to one another. Maybe there are spiritual connections you’re not making with one another simply because you’re not asking this question.

5. What are we doing on our next date night?

If you don’t plan a date night then you probably won’t have a date night. For us, Fridays are days we have off and our kids are in school. On Thursday, one of us will ask, “What do you want to do tomorrow?” It helps us be intentional about making one another a priority.

6. How can I pray for you?

Our prayers are the most intimate conversations we have. We share parts of our heart with God that we don’t share with anyone else. When we invite our spouse into this part of our lives, we exponentially grow the intimacy level of our relationship.

So often we think it’s something BIG that will give us a great marriage. The truth is, it is a few small things that will make a HUGE difference. Take 30 minutes, ask your spouse these questions and see if you don’t see a few changes in your marriage this week.

What questions would you add to the list?

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A Happy Couple’s Secret Weapon

I know this might not sound like a lot of fun, but it just might lead to it:

Think about the last fight you had with your spouse.
At what point of the argument did things seem to quickly go from bad to worse.
Was it when you got sarcastic?
Was it when your spouse got defensive?
Was it when you said that thing you swore you would never say again?
Was it when your spouse raised their voice?

Imagine rewinding to the moment right before the argument quickly became “unhelpful.” Now imagine there was a secret weapon you could interject into that moment that would keep the negativity from escalating out of control. Sound too good to be true? It’s not. It’s what healthy couples do on regular basis, whether they realize it or not.

John Gottman, one of the foremost researchers on marriage, says happy couples have a secret weapon he calls repair attempts. He defines repair attempts as “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” A repair attempt can be as simple as saying to your spouse, “Let’s take a break.” Or, “We are on the same team.” Or, “Could you say that more gently?” It could be a goofy smile or funny face.

The magic doesn’t lie in having the exact phrase or funny face, the magic lies in two people coming together to determine a repair attempt, then using it when the timing is right. But most of all, it lies in each spouse giving and receiving it for what it is, a repair attempt—“I am attempting to repair our relationship because I love you, because I love us.” Solomon suggested the same thing in Proverbs 15:1 (NIV), “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Don’t you love how relevant the Bible is?)

So, here’s one little, big thing to do today: Discuss with your spouse what your repair attempt needs to be. That’s it. You don’t have to get into a fight today to test it out. The next time you are about to get into a huge fight, throw out your repair attempt, then let it do its magic. It may not feel like magic in the moment, it might be hard to say or receive. But you will be glad you did . . . eventually. Let us know what happens.

What’s your repair attempt as a couple?

 

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Invitations – Invite Your Kids Into Your Story

Are you the kind of person who prefers to do things on your own rather than allow your kid to help, because it’s easier, less messy, and more peaceful? What would happen if you were to push past your natural inclination and invite them to participate with you? Sarah Bragg explains how inviting your kids into your space, and into your story, can help deepen your relationships.

“It was a Tuesday afternoon and the girls’ tennis lessons were cut short due to a rain storm. I don’t know what phase your children are in, but I have a kindergartner and second grader. My older one is in a phase where she is deathly afraid of many things — one of which are storms. So running off the tennis court with dark clouds overhead was straight out of a nightmare for her.

By the time we arrived at home, all I wanted to do was command ask her to leave my presence. I was fully emotionally drained by that point with dinner still looming over me.

As I turned the stove on to heat the pan, I stopped myself from asking her to leave the kitchen. Instead, I did something out of the ordinary for me. I did something that surprised myself.

Instead of asking her to leave, I asked her to join me. I invited her to cook with me. This is not my normal behavior because I don’t like things messing up. I don’t like things taking longer than they have to. However, I know my child and I know that her love tank is filled with quality time. Quality time with me. Me doing something with her that is sometimes easier for me to do alone.

Me: “Sinclair, will you come brown the meat for me?”

Sinclair: “What? Me?!?! Are you serious? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Seriously, the only way to fully capture her reaction is through an exuberant amount of exclamation points. So there she stood in front of the stove pushing the meat back and forth beaming from ear to ear. You could almost see the love on her face.

As I stood there watching her, I realized that walls break down and love grows when we invite our children in our story.”

Read the full article here.

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A “Best Case Scenario” Parent

I’m an eternal optimist, a ‘glass-half-full’ kind of person. I don’t say this to brag because in most instances, this quality has led to quite a bit of frustration in my life. I set massive, but attainable goals… if only everything would go right, and by right I mean NOTHING would go wrong.

In our family, I am the household manager. My husband, Frank, is our fearless leader. He works hard, helps out around the house, plays Monopoly, four square, chess, and about a hundred other board games with our kids. Most importantly, when that blood vessel next to my eye starts to twitch because my three beautiful children are starting to resemble Monsters, Inc. look-a-likes, he magically makes them disappear for a few hours.

However, the day-to-day running of our family falls squarely on my shoulders. I manage our appointments, finances, meals, extracurricular activities, and school involvement. If you couple those responsibilities with a sanguine (if not somewhat unrealistic) outlook, the result can be maddening, because what I expect to happen and what I actually experience varies drastically.

My pastor, Steven Furtick, would call this “The Expectation Gap.” We have all experienced the disappointment that accompanies a beautifully wrapped, albeit re-gifted, Christmas present. Isn’t it incredibly disheartening when a certain expected outcome is replaced with a lesser and unexpected one?

Even as I wrote that last sentence I sighed, because my day has been one big Expectation Gap. My oldest child was supposed to be working to bring his math grade up, instead it dropped two points. My daughter’s dance company fees were supposed to be paid in full, until the office called to remind me of another three hundred dollar expense. I planned to have this article completed by noon today. It’s now 9pm, and I’m sitting in a parking lot with my laptop trying to finish. My best-case scenarios crumbled under the pressure of life. You can plan, schedule, and map how your days are going to go, but in the end, best-case scenarios are rarely realized anywhere except in our mind.

Knowing this quirk I have, Frank has frequently asked, “How much cushion did you plan for?” He’s wanting to know, “What if everything doesn’t go as planned? What then? Do you have a Plan B?”

Early in our marriage, the answer was typically,  “No.” It took until the birth of my first child, to understand the need for a contingency plan. My baby wouldn’t sleep. My eyes were always leaking, and my size 6 jeans only fit from the knees down. The plan to go to the gym everyday, to have the house cleaned, and dinner on the table for my husband with my baby boy cooing in the highchair seemed like nothing more than a figment of my overactive imagination.

In my thirteen years of motherhood, I’ve come to understand having a clear objective is important, but having a Plan B is essential.

A Plan B is not the altar on which Plan A is sacrificed. Instead, think of it as the ultimate strategy, the lengths to which you are willing to go, as a parent, to see your objective met. Here are a few examples:

Objective: My child will do well in school.
Best Case Scenario: He or she will be an A honor roll student.
Plan B: I will do everything I can to help my child achieve his or her full academic potential.

Objective: As a family, we will continue to grow in our faith.
Best Case Scenario: My child will be a spiritual warrior, ready and willing to share his or her faith with friends and strangers.
Plan B: We will pray, memorize scripture, and attend church regularly as a family.

Objective: My child will have people, other than myself, who will speak truth into his or her life.
Best Case Scenario: My child will have wonderful friendships centered around the love of Christ.
Plan B: I will identify a relevant spiritual mentor for my child and make it my business to know who is influencing him or her.

Having a Plan B in no way concedes defeat or lowers expectations. If anything, identifying a contingency ensures victory. Acknowledging the reality that things will go wrong allows you to come to terms with any reluctance you may feel as a parent and push through self-imposed limitations.

I’m always going to choose to believe the best-case scenario for my child. I’m also going to account for the possibility that things may go awry, and when they do, Plan B falls into place. My contingency plan always equates to my complete and utter willingness to do whatever it takes to see my child achieve all God has purposed for his or her life.  

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The Challenge of Performance

We are brought up to aspire and to go for success in life. Of itself there is nothing wrong with either aspiration or success. The challenge however is what success can do to someone who cannot handle it well. Even King Solomon who possessed great wisdom and wealth allowed himself to be derailed through his obsession with women - all 1000 of them! It is sad to see successful people become derailed because their character has not caught up with their achievements. Every day we hear of well known sports people, business people and community leaders who stumble because they were not ready to handle success.


Godly success is always tied to Godly character. The Holy Spirit is always wanting to grow us into the shape of Jesus Christ so that we will become conformed to His character. Success is becoming like Him. The apostle Paul said "I count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus... and count them as rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him not having my own righteousness... but that which is through faith in Christ..." (Phil.3:8-10) Paul was in effect saying that he wanted above all else to display the SOURCE more than the RESOURCE. Trouble happens when we want to display resources instead of the source. This is the trap of success.


Another trap with regard to success is that we can easily be misled by the lie that somehow we must meet certain standards in order to feel good about ourselves. Behind this lie is the fear of failure. The fear of failure will actually inhibit people from taking risks and 'having a go'. It will kill creativity. In fact it will diminish what we can do with the resources that we already have. When we realise that our sense of true worth comes from who and what God says we are, we will be set free to live and to be productive with what we have. When we are enamoured with the fact that we so loved because He has made us worthy (righteous), we will want to live for Him. We will even dare to risk.


When we realise that "we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works ... that we should walk in them", we will be both content and fulfilled. We will be grateful and generous. We will be able to live for Him, no longer striving to get acceptability through our performance. It was always His performance in the first place, that secured our real worth.












This blog is based on a message called "The Challenge of Performance" by Ross Smith on 18/10/15 at The Vine church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

Just Wear The Stupid Gym Shorts

Am I the only Mama who feels like 5:00pm – 7:00pm are the worst hours of the day? I mean, what good occurs between 5:00pm – 7:00pm?

Nobody likes what we had for dinner.
You can smell my cat’s litter box from the driveway.
The dishes are teetering over the edge of the sink.
I can’t understand my 1^st grader’s homework.
I’m tired.
My girls are tired.
Let’s be honest – even the cat’s in a bad mood.

And yet… it’s still… not… bedtime.

I call these hours the Evening Vortex. It’s never-ending. If you call or text me during this time, and I respond, it’s because I’m begging you for help.

I don’t know what possessed me to sign up my 1^st grader for a dance class that starts at 6:00pm – RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE VORTEX – but I did. Last week, on the day of her dance class, she also had P.E. at school, which she has to dress out for. She got off the bus in her cute little gym shorts and t-shirt and I thought, Perfect. She doesn’t even have to change before dance class.

I needed to run some errands (AKA, enter another, far more enjoyable vortex called Target), so we went straight from the bus stop to town. When we got back in the car to drive to dance, Lilah said, “Well, who is going to bring me my leotard?”

I remember I was sweating, trying to get my 2-year-old buckled in her carseat (a practice that is a lot like wrestling with an enraged baby bull). I absently said, “Lilah, you’ll just wear your gym shorts, babe. We don’t have time to go back home.”

AAAAAAAAND CUE A LEVEL 12 MELTDOWN.

We argued the whole way to dance class. “But Mama,” she said, “all the other girls wear leotards!”

And I said, “Lilah, I’m not going to make you go to dance class. I’m tired, we all need to eat dinner, the house is a wreck… just decide what you want to do.”

And as her big blue eyes filled up with tears, she said, “Okay… what would YOU do, Mama? If you were me?”

AAAAAAAAND CUE MY OWN LEVEL 12 MELTDOWN.

In that moment, I was filled with so much conviction.

What would you do, Mama? If you were me?
In other words, Put yourself in my shoes.

Why had I not done this before? Why do I not do this more ALL THE TIME as a parent? It’s one of the first things we teach our children –The Golden Rule – Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Would I want to walk into a room and feel completely underdressed? NO! I wouldn’t wear jeans to a wedding. And, no, I wouldn’t want to wear yucky gym shorts while everyone else was wearing beautiful leotards.

Here I was, trying to get my 7-year-old to do something that I wouldn’t even want to do. And I wondered how often I had done that… How often I had expected adult-like behavior from my kid.

You better believe this Mama yanked that baby up and squeezed her to me for about thirty seconds. Then I dashed home, getting her into her most favorite leotard, and took her back to dance class.

We were only ten minutes late. (In full disclosure, there may have been several traffic/speed violations involved.)

I want to be better at putting myself in my daughters’ tiny shoes. I want to treat them the way I’d like to be treated.

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For Better, For Worse: Chair #1 or Chair #2?

by Tim Walker

There’s one way to create tension in my relationship with my wife, Jennifer.
It has nothing to do with clothes left on the floor.
Or dishes left in the sink.
Or toilet seats in a certain position.

It has to do with choice.
Specifically, purchasing something that costs hundreds of dollars.
Home improvement projects.
Paint colors.
Couches.
Cars.
Choosing a rental car.
Choosing a vacation destination.

We don’t make these kinds of purchases often, nor do we have the kind of disposable income that allows us to make these kinds of purchases often. So when we get that opportunity, the weight of it creates friction.

Both of us are terrified of making the wrong choice.
The wrong expensive choice.
The wrong expensive choice that we have to live with.

I know. these are first world problems.
I get that.
But it still is enough to make me hyperventilate.

At our previous home, we had to pick out a new roof color.
We went with the one I thought was best.
And when the roofers put it on the house, the color of the shingles looked so much lighter.
I freaked out. I had ruined our home.
I thought that if we ever sold our home, that one choice would keep us from finding a buyer.

But then, after a few weeks, we got used to it.
It worked fine.
It was a roof. It kept the rain out.
And we did eventually sell our home. The roof wasn’t even an issue for the buyer.

Jennifer and I cope with this fear in different ways.
For her, it means exploring every option out there.
For me, it means “let’s just get it over with.”
And our fear spills out in her anxiousness and my moodiness.
A lovely mixture that results in overreacting to the slightest comment and utter exhaustion in the endless search for the right item.
Good times.

And somewhere in the process, the fun has been sucked out of the purchase. Well, at least the ones that should be fun.

After almost 19 years, we’re getting better at it.
But it’s still a struggle.

I suppose that if we had millions of dollars, this wouldn’t be an issue—because the tension is about making the best decision to last awhile.
but then again, we probably wouldn’t have to continue to learn how to work together to work through the issue, would we?

 

Couches come and go. Paint colors get changed. But constantly learning about one another, and learning how to work together is what it’s really all about anyway.

What differences have you and your spouse learned to celebrate?

 

Tim Walker is a husband/dad/writer/blogger (timswords.com) and editor on the MarriedPeople team.

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Technology Tip : Ask Questions About Video Games

There is no doubt that our increasing connection to technology has become a game changer for parents.  We are thrilled to have Jon Acuff host a series of “Technology Tips” to help you as parents navigate this new world of technology with your kids. In today’s technology tip, find out what three questions you should be asking about every video game your kid is playing.

Technology Tip : Ask Questions About Video Games

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The Challenge of Protection

Our world gives cause for sensing insecurity at all levels from the personal to the global. Challenges can range from low level surprise through to the overwhelming crisis that is beyond our control. Yet every challenge also presents us with opportunity to grow. The Christian perspective on challenges is not to pray them away but is to know that Father God will empower us to walk through challenges with the assurance that He will not abandon you and I.


Ps 23:4 declares that God will not abandon but will walk with us. Believers are not immune from harm. Ps 34:19 declares that "many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of them all." God provides Himself to cover us as we go through challenges. He showed His hand when He covered Adam and Eve before they were expelled from the garden of Eden. He covered them with the skin of an animal. His was the first animal sacrifice and His only Son would necessarily be the last sacrifice needed to "take away the sin of the world".


It's interesting that unexplained disasters in life are often attributed to 'an act of God', yet the real act of God was to send His Son to become the only covering that would provide protection for fallen humanity. Job, when severely tested, refused to blame God for his troubles. He declared, "though God slay me yet will I trust God". Job knew that His God was bigger than the his afflictions. He grew stronger through his ordeals because he trusted God more than his circumstances. How big is our God?


1 Peter 1:6 says "...you have been grieved by various trials that the genuineness of your faith...may be found to praise... Jesus Christ". No trial in Christ is ever designed to destroy or disillusion. If you are experiencing a trial now, know that He will grow you by His grace. He will protect you. He will never abandon you. His Presence with you and in you is His your greatest source of comfort, joy and peace as you go through the valley. Paul in Romans 8 declares that nothing "shall separate us from the love of Christ". His Presence is your protection. How big is your God?












This blog is based on a message called "The Challenge of Protection" by Ross Smith at The Vine church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia Sunday 11th Nov.2015. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

What I Learned from My Kids About Serving

I’ve been making a big mistake with my previous short-term mission trips. I’ve always thought of them more as group experiences rather than individual journeys for each kid.

It’s easy to do when you’ve got 32 college students for a single weekend building a house in Mexico. Or 18 high school students digging wells for a week in Guatemala. There are so many details to organize that if the entire group seems to learn—and make it back home safely—the trip feels like a success.

A few months ago Compassion International invited our family to Brazil because of the Fuller Youth Institute’s partnership in a Step Into My Shoes curriculum geared to help families serve together. Experiencing the trip with my own kids changed everything.

As a parent, I was more tuned in to each of our kids’ unique needs and personalities. As a parent, I paid far more attention to how God worked through each of them as individuals. Even though none of us spoke Portuguese, I watched them communicate in their own ways with the people they were meeting.

Nathan, our 6’2” 15 year-old, quickly connected with Brazilian boys on the soccer field, as well as through playing guitar.

Krista, our leadership-minded 12-year-old, bonded fast with Brazilian girls through volleyball.  

Jessica, our more introverted 9-year-old, connected with smaller groups of kids her age, who loved the way she listened to them (even though she couldn’t understand them) and took pictures (a hobby she loves).

As a mom, my radar was tuned in to their individual approaches to culture and life, how their individual personalities best interacted with others, and how their individual lives were changed.

As a parent, what can you do this school year to help each of your kids be sensitive to how God wants to use them individually to change the world around them? Here are some questions to help you answer that question:

• What is the top passion of each of my kids?
• What are my kids’ top skills?
• What are the free moments in my kids’ week when they might have some time to serve?
• Which of my kids’ friends might want to join in serving with them? (Friends almost always make service better.)
• What other adults are close to each of my kids who might also be able to join their service adventures?

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Practice Your Promise: For Better or Worse

What to Do When You’re Not the Best Version of Yourself

by Ted Lowe

I recently heard a podcast with Andy Stanley and he encouraged leaders to ask themselves this simple question whenever they face a challenging situation:

What would a great leader do?

Because I focus on marriage and family every day, I instantly thought, “We should do that as spouses”—especially when we are not the best version of ourselves. We should ask:

What would a great husband/wife do?

Come on, let’s be honest. We can become so comfortable with our spouse that it’s easy to simply do what comes natural—especially after a tough day of keeping it all together. It feels good to come home, let go and say what we want to say and act how we want to act.

And despite the fact our spouse promised for better or for worse, we need to give them much more better than worse. Even when, especially when, we simply do not feel like it. After all, isn’t that what you are hoping your spouse will do for you? Of course it is! So let’s play around with this thing for 48 hours. For the next 48 hours ask yourself:

What would a great spouse do?

Here are some examples to get you thinking:

• It’s your spouse’s turn to put the kids to bed. You are exhausted, but so is your spouse. What would a great spouse do? Put the kids to bed. You say to your spouse, “You relax baby. I got this.” But make sure when they pass out, their head lands on something soft.
• Your spouse is late . . . again. What would a great spouse do? Not say anything. Say, “I love you,” and kiss them like you mean it. But make sure you have your driver’s license nearby if they don’t believe it’s you.
• Your spouse is frustrated about something at work and seems to be taking it out on you. What would a great spouse do? Put down the phone and say, “What happened?” Listen carefully and validate that things are difficult. But make sure you have a breathalyzer in case they think you are intoxicated.

Asking what a great spouse what do, especially when you are not the best version of yourself, helps you rise to the occasion. If you are thinking,“Why me? They wouldn’t do the same.” I’m not writing to your spouse silly. I’m writing to you.

Okay . . . here we go. 48 hours of asking:
What would a great spouse do?
Let us know what happens.

 

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe. If you’d like to learn more about Marriage Ministry, check out [link] Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last.

 

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5 Ways to Prove You Love Your Kids

There’s an insecurity inside most of us that asks, “But, does he/she really love me?”

It happens when you’re dating.
Sometimes it still haunts you when you’re married.
It follows you into your deep friendships.
And it definitely makes its way into the heart of almost every child. 

I have NO idea where this idea came from, but I remember being ten years old and thinking my parents paid my friends to be my friends. (I know, I know . . . that’s a few more thousand dollars in counseling to figure how I came to believe that . . . but I digress.) 

No, you’ve never had that thought? I’m a lot more secure than I used to be, but let’s be honest, we’ve all wondered whether someone really loved us when in fact, they did. When in fact, they do. 

How does that translate to parenting?

Other than saying, “I love you,”  what communicates to your kids you love them deeply?

Often our words and actions are disconnected. 

So here are five ways you can show your kids you love them without saying, “I love you” over and over again:

1. Give them your undivided attention

It’s tempting to think this is a technology issue—and it is to some extent. Your dinner recipe is on your phone or iPad, and while cooking, your Facebook, Instagram, texts, and email notifications keep pulling your attention away. Meanwhile, you were oblivious that someone was calling out, “hey, dad . . . dad . . . dad.”

It’s difficult when the world is in your pocket and follows you around everywhere. But this problem goes back long before we had iPhones and free Wi-Fi.

Maybe you had a hard time pulling your dad away from the football game when you wanted to show him what you built outside. Or your mom was always on the phone with her friends when you really just wanted to tell her what happened at school.

A person’s undivided attention is one of the rarest of gifts in our culture. Give it to your kids as often as you can.

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A person’s undivided attention is one of the rarest of gifts in our culture.
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2. Listen instead of lecture

I’m tempted to think my greatest value as a parent is to keep my kids from making the same stupid mistakes I made, or that I see other people making.

There’s some value in that for sure. 

But while a lecture feels good to give, it feels less awesome to receive it. Especially when it’s every day. All the time.

Sometimes, I think my kids would much rather have just had me listen to them, rather than lecture them.

They already knew what happened wasn’t great. They just wanted someone who understood. Someone who listened. Someone who cared.

Not someone who knew better. 

Maybe a better parenting recipe is five parts listening to one part lecturing. Your kids might even do a great job figuring out the lesson all by themselves, if you just listen.

3. Set some limits

At least two things are true about parenting. 

Every kid craves limits.
And every kid pushes back against them.

If you decide your ten-year-old gets one sleep-over per school term, they’ll want two. If you let up and decide they’ll get three each month, then they’ll push for four. 

It’s hard not to throw up your hands and say, “Fine, whatever you want.” Or worse, “Okay okay, you get as many as your friends have.”

But it’s so critical you don’t.

Setting and enforcing reasonable limits for your kids is one of the best ways to communicate both love and safety.

Your discipline as a parent will help your kids develop self-discipline.

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Your discipline as a parent will help your kids develop self-discipline.
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4. Talk to them, not about them

We all have to talk about our kids to someone. But too often, I’ve heard parents complain loudly about their kids . . . while their kids (or siblings) are in the room.

Bad idea.

Ditto for social media. I’ve seen exasperated parents get on Facebook to vent about how awful their kids are behaving. 

Perhaps they’ve forgotten at some point, their kids will learn to read and maybe even navigate the interwebs, only to discover what Angry Mom really feels about them.

Few wounds pierce as deeply as unkind words spoken by a parent. 

If you have a problem with your kids, talk to your kids about it, in love. Or discretely talk to an adult who can actually help you solve the problem. 

You’ll be so glad you did.

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Few wounds pierce as deeply as unkind words spoken by a parent.
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5. Pursue your spouse

Almost by default, your kids become the center of your life.

But as we’ve said before on Parent Cue, that’s a trap. Child-centered parenting produces self-centered children. 

If you’re married, one of the best gifts you can give your kids is a healthy marriage.

I’ve heard it said that it’s more important for your kids to know you love each other than it is for them to know you love them. There may be some truth in that.

A loving home creates a stable base.

No kid wants to see their dad cheat on their mom, or their mom to roll her eyeballs every time her husband walks into the room. What might be funny or entertaining on a sitcom can be devastating in real life.

Date your spouse. Work through your issues. Pray for each other. 

Take vacations without the kids.

Don’t abandon the romance. Pursue each other passionately.

Your kids will be far more secure as a result.

These are only five ways you can show your kids you love them.  What are some other ways you’ve seen work? Leave a comment!

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Being Strategic About Weddings

by Ted Cunningham

I love weddings. My retirement plans include running on a small wedding chapel on Table Rock Lake in Branson, Missouri. I’ve officiated outdoor weddings, backyard weddings, destination weddings, traditional weddings, sunset on the lake weddings, after Sunday morning service weddings and garden weddings. For me, weddings are like mini marriage conferences in breathtaking environments. Here are a few considerations to help church leaders honor, enjoy and prioritize weddings and marriage in the church.

1. Invite gathered family and friends to be backup singers. The daughters of Jerusalem were the backup singers for Solomon and the Shullamite bride: “We rejoice and delight in you, we will praise your love more than wine” (Song of Songs 1:4 NIV). During the ceremony, when I welcome family and friends, I make sure they know that they are there for a purpose. I invite them to rejoice and delight in the love and union of the couple by holding them accountable to their vows, praying for the couple and speaking words of high value over them.

2. Coach your receptionist and/or assistant. When someone calls the church office and says, “We would like to talk to someone about getting married,” train whoever answers the phone to respond with statements like, “Congratulations!” or “When’s the big day?” Avoid statements like, “Well, let me see who is available to talk to you” or, “We don’t host many weddings here because of our weekend services.” Part of creating a marriage and family culture at your church is developing a genuine enthusiasm about marriage on the front lines.

3. Develop relationships with chapels, gardens and resorts. Give engaged couples options. Our church meets in a castle. You would think that every princess would want her wedding in a castle. However, smack dab in the middle of our auditorium and in the center of the main aisle there is a pole. This makes for an awkward processional.

4. Wordsmith wedding guidelines and add more grace. A few years ago, my assistant asked me to reconsider the tone of our wedding guidelines. When someone called the office to seek premarital counseling and to schedule their wedding, we sent them our wedding guidelines. This document included notes on cohabitation. We never heard back from many couples. This was not our intent. Tough conversations are better in person, not print. You don’t need to put everything you believe in a policy manual. Don’t change what you believe, but get face to face with the couple so they can hear your heart and see your genuine love and concern for them.

5. Give people a clear path through your marriage ministry. Premarital counseling is the perfect time to give the couple a discipleship plan. From church membership to small groups, challenge couples to press into biblical community. Translate the support of the church for their wedding into even more support for their marriage.

 
Ted Cunningham is the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri. He is the author of Fun Loving You, Trophy Child and Young and In Love. Ted and his wife, Amy, have been married for 17 years and live in Branson with their two children, Corynn and Carson.

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Making Peace with Your Kids

Have your kids ever hurt your feelings? I don’t mean their critique of your clothes, cooking, or stupid jokes. I mean the thing they say that just cuts to the quick.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my boys said something and it hurt so much, it felt like the wind was knocked out of me. He’s young enough where I don’t think the words were said with the intention to hurt, and he was oblivious to how hurtful his words were. But I am not naïve. I know a day will come when my boys will know the power of their words. And then they’ll use those words to cause pain on purpose.

Family is messy. At this stage, most messes come in the form of food under the kitchen table, diapers in a full diaper genie, and endless leaves, rocks, and flowers filling my counters. But at some point, I know the messiness will come in the form of verbal shrapnel. I know the messiness will be less literal and more figurative. (Or maybe with two teenage boys by that time, it’ll be both.)

And I knew from a couple of weeks ago, when the words from one of my kids hit me like they did, that I had better figure out what I was going to do when those moments come.

At the time, I shut down. I got him ready for bed and I read him books. I was present physically, but emotionally distant. But when it was time to pray, to sing, and close up the night, I realized something had to give. He may not have known I was holding back, but I did. And I decided then and there to do what felt like the exact opposite of what I wanted to do.

I decided to move close. To not let careless words create a rift. To not let hurt feelings dictate my behavior towards him. To move towards the one I felt inclined to back away from.

I decided to be a peacemaker. To be a mender of things made wrong—even when I was the one who had been wronged. To move past what had been broken in me, in order to make right what was broken between my son and me.

Not just a peace-liker. Not simply a peace-supporter. But a peace-maker

Jesus said peacemakers are called the children of God.
James, the brother of Jesus, said peacemakers reap a harvest of righteousness.
I say peacemakers have a better chance of a healthy relationship with their kids in the future.

Making peace is hard. Moving towards the one who’s hurt us is challenging. It’s counterintuitive and not all fair at times. But a parent who makes peace with their kids now sows a relationship of peace in the future. And at the end of the day, that’s my goal.

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Our kids are growing up in a world we know all too well. One that thrives on conflict, revels in drama, and has no problem writing relationships and people off because of mistaken steps and words. Let’s show them an alternative exists. Maybe not in culture, but in our homes. Let’s show them peace exists, and it’s worth fighting for.

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No matter what my child does or says, no matter what my child doesn’t say, or doesn’t do, I want there to be no doubt about what he’ll get from me. A mom who’ll go to great lengths—not to keep the peace, but to make the peace. To create space in our home for reconciliation. To make a habit of moving towards one another—of being the first one to take the first step—no matter what.

If my boys leave my home certain of nothing else than that, I’ve won. I’ve showed my boys no conflict mattered more than my relationship with them, and I’ve demonstrated the same tenderness and tenacity our heavenly Father shows us. He’s the God of peace after all.

As parents, let’s work on resembling our heavenly Father in this. And live in expectation of what might happen when we do.

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How Serving Changes Kids

Kristen Ivy, Kara Powell, and Reggie Joiner discuss how giving kids increasing opportunities to serve through childhood is one of the biggest ways to help them grow in faith and character by realizing their own potential to connect to a bigger story.

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NEGATIVITY: A WISH IN DISGUISE

I would love for you to hear my friend, marriage therapist, and psychologist, Dr. Beverly Bird.

I don’t think I would be venturing too far out on a limb to suggest that all of us who are married are frustrated by our spouse’s behavior from time to time.  We have all been there.  For some, it may be a daily occurrence!  But how does one voice that frustration without sounding critical and negative?  If what you really want is for the behavior to change, how do you best bring it up so that your partner can actually hear what you are saying (and perhaps be open to change), rather than feeling pounded by negativity?  One thing is for sure; negativity will never get you what you want.

The fix is a simple concept to understand but will take time and practice to perfect.  In their latest book, Making Marriage Simple, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., say, “negativity is a wish in disguise.”  Another way of saying this is, “behind every criticism is a desire.”  So let’s think about this.  Every time I criticize my husband for something he is doing, what that really means is that I have a wish or desire for something else in its place.  So why would I not just go ahead and state the wish or desire?  Of course, that is the best thing to do, but as I said, it takes practice.  I will give you an example.

Let’s say my husband drives my car one day.  When he gets in he reprograms the radio stations to his favorites and all my settings are erased.  Maybe he also repositions the seat to his comfort and doesn’t reset it.  And let’s just throw in there that he also leaves an empty coffee cup in the cup holder.  There.  That’s a frustration!  In the great scheme of things this is a small frustration but these kinds of things can build up over time.  Now I have a choice.  I can be critical and negative or I can state the wish or desire directly.

Here’s the difference.   A criticism would go along the lines of telling him how thoughtless he is and how he always puts himself first, never thinks of anyone else…and on and on.  You know what I mean—the focus is entirely on him and he feels the sting of my words.

If what I am looking for is behavior change, the best way to do this is to shift the focus back to me—making “I” statements.  It might sound something like this:  “Honey, when you drive my car and change all my settings and leave trash in the car, it’s frustrating for me.  Would you mind resetting everything and clearing the trash before you get out?”  I am much more likely to get what I want with this language and attitude.

Bottom line—get in the habit of saying what you want, rather than complaining about what you don’t want.  It really works!

 

 

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