NEGATIVITY: A WISH IN DISGUISE

I would love for you to hear my friend, marriage therapist, and psychologist, Dr. Beverly Bird.

I don’t think I would be venturing too far out on a limb to suggest that all of us who are married are frustrated by our spouse’s behavior from time to time.  We have all been there.  For some, it may be a daily occurrence!  But how does one voice that frustration without sounding critical and negative?  If what you really want is for the behavior to change, how do you best bring it up so that your partner can actually hear what you are saying (and perhaps be open to change), rather than feeling pounded by negativity?  One thing is for sure; negativity will never get you what you want.

The fix is a simple concept to understand but will take time and practice to perfect.  In their latest book, Making Marriage Simple, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., say, “negativity is a wish in disguise.”  Another way of saying this is, “behind every criticism is a desire.”  So let’s think about this.  Every time I criticize my husband for something he is doing, what that really means is that I have a wish or desire for something else in its place.  So why would I not just go ahead and state the wish or desire?  Of course, that is the best thing to do, but as I said, it takes practice.  I will give you an example.

Let’s say my husband drives my car one day.  When he gets in he reprograms the radio stations to his favorites and all my settings are erased.  Maybe he also repositions the seat to his comfort and doesn’t reset it.  And let’s just throw in there that he also leaves an empty coffee cup in the cup holder.  There.  That’s a frustration!  In the great scheme of things this is a small frustration but these kinds of things can build up over time.  Now I have a choice.  I can be critical and negative or I can state the wish or desire directly.

Here’s the difference.   A criticism would go along the lines of telling him how thoughtless he is and how he always puts himself first, never thinks of anyone else…and on and on.  You know what I mean—the focus is entirely on him and he feels the sting of my words.

If what I am looking for is behavior change, the best way to do this is to shift the focus back to me—making “I” statements.  It might sound something like this:  “Honey, when you drive my car and change all my settings and leave trash in the car, it’s frustrating for me.  Would you mind resetting everything and clearing the trash before you get out?”  I am much more likely to get what I want with this language and attitude.

Bottom line—get in the habit of saying what you want, rather than complaining about what you don’t want.  It really works!

 

 

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