A Look Back Before We Jump Ahead – 2015

There’s no better way to wrap up the last week of December than a Year in Review list. The best of the best all at once! Here are our top 5 posts on Parent Cue in 2015 –

5. Three Key Words Your Kids Are Longing to Hear – Kara Powell
…As I’ve pondered the research on family faith and relationships, I’m convinced that there are three words your kids are longing for you to say to them: “I like you.” They’ve probably heard “I love you” from you more times than they can count. But do they know you actually enjoy them as people?

Read more…

4. Surviving Ezzy – Holly Crawshaw
I had the parenting thing all figured out. That’s what I thought after I had my first child, Lilah. She was, by all accounts, perfection. She slept through the night at six weeks. She took several long naps throughout the day. She would smile at strangers. Use her manners. Perform on cue. I was the perfect mother. Until I had my second child, Ezzy.

Read more…

3 – Just Wear The Stupid Gym Shorts – Holly Crawshaw
Am I the only Mama who feels like 5:00pm – 7:00pm are the worst hours of the day? I mean, what good occurs between 5:00pm – 7:00pm? Nobody likes what we had for dinner. You can smell my cat’s litter box from the driveway. The dishes are teetering over the edge of the sink…
I call these hours the Evening Vortex. It’s never-ending. If you call or text me during this time, and I respond, it’s because I’m begging you for help.

Read more…

2. Open Your Home – Autumn Ward
I love beautifully decorated homes with every little thing in place. A candle quietly burning, fresh flowers in a vase, soft music playing, the floors and bathrooms are spotless and the furniture is freshly polished – and vacuum lines on carpet – ahh they make me feel happy.
As much as I would love to say this describes my home, it does not. I mean I still try. I haven’t totally given up on the dream, but I learned a long time ago that hosting kids in my home does not, in any way, help my dream become a reality.

Read more…

 1. 5 Things You’ll Never Regret – Carey Nieuwhof
Yes, it really was a bad idea to give your six-year-old access to the finger paints while you did the laundry. Or to let your fourteen-year-old son stay overnight at his friend’s place without triple checking to make sure his parents were home. And maybe it wasn’t all that wise when you had that fight heated conversation in the kitchen when the kids were watching cartoons. We all have regrets, but the flip side is also true.
We all have things we’ll never regret doing as a parent. And if you think about doing things you’ll never regret, you can actually do them more often.

Read more…

And a bonus! Here is our most listened to episode of Parent Cue Live!

1. Finding A Kid’s Spark – Reggie Joiner, Kristen Ivy, & Kara Powell
In this episode of Parent Cue Live Reggie, Kristen, and Kara talk about how to support kids in what lights them up and helping them develop their unique skills and abilities.

Listen in…

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Christmas Reality

The older I get, the more sentimental I become. Especially as Christmas. Three chords into “O Holy Night” and you’ll find me tearing up and sniffling like a fool. I can’t help it. Something about Christmas just does that to me.

Specific lines from my favorite Christmas songs get stuck in my throat and grab hold of me.

What makes these songs effective each Christmas season is their ability to call to mind the wonder and marvel of the moment when the God of eternity stepped into time. And that is why I love Christmas so much. Because this one night was a game changer.

But then a few days ago I came across this image 19th century American painter, Gari Melchers, created. It was his rendition of the nativity, and it moved me in a way these Christmas songs never have.

This painting wasn’t about capturing the magic. It isn’t very effective in creating a sense of nostalgia. It doesn’t cause me to think of the unlikely intersection of heaven and earth and the choruses of angels. It just causes me to stop.

I can remember when I became a parent for the first time. I remember the hype, preparation and the countdown of days—a sort of advent as well—the waiting and anticipation.

And then the baby is born. And it isn’t that any of the stuff you anticipated is less true. It’s just that reality sets in. And the feeling of purpose you thought you would have as a parent is trumped by sheer exhaustion. And the moments of bonding and sentiment are replaced with an inexplicably crying child you can’t seem to console. And the magic of it all sort of loses its luster.

In hindsight you find the wonder again. But in the moment, you are just putting one foot in front of the other, waking up, going through the routine, going to sleep, and repeating.

This painting reminds me of that. Mary and Joseph didn’t have the words of poets to make their night in a barn meaningful. They didn’t have the perfect harmony to offer a bigger perspective on what this night might eventually mean.

They didn’t even have the shepherds yet.

They had each other—tired, uncertain, anxious, and alone.  And they had this baby. This beautiful baby, who they’d heard might one day save the world from it’s sin, but tonight just needed to sleep, to eat, and be changed.

Melcher’s painting reminds me, that the purpose, significance, and BIGNESS of Christmas can sometimes crowd out the reality of it. And what was true that night 2,000 years ago can be true for us today.

When I imagine making Christmas memories I think of all the profound things to do:
the living nativity.
the Operation Christmas Child box.
the Christmas parties and the Christmas pageants.

But I’m reminded the reality of Christmas tends to come in the more unhinged moments:
the sitting down to read the advent book—when we’ve missed the previous four nights.
the insatiable appetite for more stuff—the list of present requests growing and growing with little thought of how to give in return.
the spilled hot chocolate.
the burnt cookies.
the sugar high crazed personalities leading to more time-outs than I would prefer on Jesus’ birthday.

It isn’t meaningful all the time. It doesn’t feel purposeful every moment. But I doubt Mary and Joseph initially felt like that first night was meaningful or purposeful either. Chances are they just felt spent. Like me.

So this Christmas, in the fight to make it all matter, remember it doesn’t have to. Consider that the normalcy of the days can be just as impactful as the big stuff. When we are in it, it rarely feels like we’re accomplishing what we want, with all the chaos and unmet expectations. But give it some time. We likely won’t have a song written about us, but one day, we too may look back at these Christmases with wonder and with awe. 

Because as un-magical as the reality can seem in the moment, we never know the story it will end up telling in time.

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A Kid’s Christmas Story

Joseph leads Mary through the backwoods in a red wagon, an angel sweeps in on a tire swing, and wise men celebrate with sparklers. Gather your family around and watch the Christmas story from Luke 1 and 2 told from a kid’s perspective.

The Christmas Story Video from Orange on Vimeo.

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A Christmas Gift from MarriedPeople

Tis the season for . . .
Company Christmas parties.
Frantic shopping trips.
School parties.
Youth group events.
Family gatherings.
Decorating the house.
Christmas. Christmas. Christmas.

It seems like it’s the time for everything and everyone BUT you and your spouse. That’s why we want to give you an early Christmas gift. A date night.

Enjoy this Date Night PDF from our Can’t Wait Date Challenge as a FREE gift. And it’s okay if you wait and use this after Christmas. Just don’t wait too long.

You two need each other to get through this busy season, and a renewed connection to face 2016!

Merry Christmas from the MarriedPeople team!
(Ted, Nancy and Tim)

CWD_Date1

 

 

 

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Technology Tip : Be a Team Manager Not a Secret Agent

Other Technology Tips:
You’re Not A Doctor
Ask Questions About Video Games
Don’t Miss the Moment

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Till Death Do Us Part

by Ted Lowe

My mom passed away when I was ten. Her sister, my aunt, promised she would take care of my brother and me forever—she was 21. She kept that promise until the day she died suddenly at 49. I’m not sure whose death hurt me worse, my mom’s or my aunt’s.

I’m an Old Testament griever, gnashing of teeth, tearing of clothes. I’ve cried what some might call an embarrassing amount of tears . . . for a man . . . maybe even for a woman. But when you lose someone suddenly and too young, you just can’t imagine your heart will survive the trauma.

But then, you start to wake up. The grief induced novocaine starts to wear off and you start feeling moments of hope. And when God is in the equation, things can eventually happen that are stunningly unexpected. This is especially true in marriages that end in the way that many of us promised—till death do us part.

Both my dad and uncle eventually remarried. And the women they married have brought enormously needed life and love into our family. As a family we were and are able to embrace them and them us. Why? I believe largely in part because my dad and uncle’s first marriages ended with the completion and fulfillment of their vows.

Quite simply, but with no judgment, we didn’t have to deal with the baggage that comes with divorce. The problem with divorce is that it’s not just between the two people who get the divorce. The ripple effects are felt for generations. Yes there were growing pains figuring out how our new family would work. But it is typically easier for all involved when marriage ends the way we promised. Great moments can happen that leave some saying, “I could never do that.”

Let me tell you about my very much unlike Cinderella’s stepmom, stepmom:

• She loves my kids as much as she loves her own biological grandchildren. She is their Mamaw. It is rich to watch her love my kids and them love her!
• I even recently found out that she is the one who keeps flowers on my mom’s grave. When I was thanking her, she said, “She was your mom. I never want you and your brother to come by and there not be flowers on her grave.” Who does that? That’s what can happen when marriage ends the way we promised.

Now for Shelly, my uncle’s wife—I actually officiated their wedding. I heard through the grapevine that some people were amazed I said “yes” to their request to perform the ceremony. I understand why. They knew I loved my aunt more than life itself. But why wouldn’t I want my uncle to be happy? And oh how she makes him happy. And besides, he didn’t divorce my aunt, he loved her well for many years.

And besides it’s easy to love Shelly because she is the definition of lovable. She has brought love life back into my uncle’s life—into all of our lives. Shelly even has my aunt’s family over for Christmas every year. What?! Who could do that? She can, because my aunt and uncle’s marriage the way they promised.

Now I’m not saying that blended families where marriages end in divorce can’t be a beautiful picture of a family restored. We all know families where that is the case.

And again, I’m also not saying that there haven’t been bumps along the way. I’m just saying that when marriage ends the way we promised, we can do what others say they could never do—love in a way that is nothing short of stunning.

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

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Have Yourself a Rustic Little Christmas

My 15-year-old daughter has leadership gifts. While I recognize this is a God-given talent—and He has plans for her that will incorporate these amazing skills—I also confess I am the father to that gifted teenage girl, and sometimes we don’t exactly see things the same way. (Insert plea for wisdom, prayer, and patience here).

And that brings us to the holiday season. Family and friends experience food, gatherings, and exchanges of presents. There are thousands of decisions to be made and nearly all of them feel important. Everything from the way to set the table to the choice of wrapping paper seems like a choice that reflects how much you care about the people around you. So when my teenage daughter (did I mention she was 15?) announced that she was going to take the lead in our Christmas decorating this year, my wife and I exchanged glances. We both knew we wanted a huddle to discuss this, but this moment caught us off guard. We already had a system to dig out the decorations from the attic and put them up with minimal mess and minimal cost. But at that very moment, the game clock was running, and we didn’t have a timeout to spare. We had to decide to hold on to our control, or call an audible. I’d still like to be able to replay my response in slow motion as my mouth formed two syllables: “Ooooooooh . . . kayyyyyyyy. . . .”

And with that word spoken, my daughter sprang into action. She was released to exercise her creative gifts. She was free to take the reins (move over Santa) and guide us through the fog of Christmas decorating.  

After some assessment of our current stock of Christmas décor, and our supply of crafting materials, she made an announcement. Our decorating theme this year will be: “Rustic.”  And before we could ask, “How rustic?”  “What kind of rustic?” or “Should I start building a stable?” she was off. 

Our home was immediately strewn with barn wood, pine cones, rusty sleigh bells, brown paper bags, and burlap. Lots of burlap. 

It’s been a couple of days now. Our house looks amazing. The pallet wood centerpiece with candles in mason jars looks amazing. The burlap stockings sewn by my wife to the specifications set by our daughter set the style bar much higher than burlap has ever aspired to before. Our tree rests in a homey and southern galvanized tub in the corner. Presents wrapped in hand stamped brown paper and twine are beginning to appear.

I can’t wait to see what is next. I can’t wait for the next time she asks me to help her tear apart a pallet, or bend some copper wire, or hang a shelf in the right spot. It’s her vision and we never could have experienced it fully unless she had felt empowered enough to try it. 

This season, I’m want to give my family more gifts of freedom and encouragement. I want each of them to use their talents, abilities and imaginations to the fullest, because it’s the way we can best serve each other. 

I could probably have come up with a hundred reasons to curb my daughter’s unique enthusiasm for our house this year, but when I think of all I would have missed experiencing with her . . . well, maybe part of peace on earth is experiencing the humility of setting aside my comfort level for a moment.

Oh, that reminds me, I have to put a light on the baby in the rustic manger

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MarriedPeople Spotlight: GracePointe Church

We have amazing MarriedPeople partner churches. These marriage champions are taking the MarriedPeople resources and doing things that are above and beyond anything we dreamed about.

We want you to meet them. So once a month, we’ll spotlight a different church that is impacting not only the marriages in their church, but in their community. We want you to meet people from churches of all sizes, large and small, in various types of communities, whether urban, rural or suburban, with budgets big and small and volunteers plenty or scarce. Regardless of how different these churches may be from yours, we think you’ll find some relevancy to where you are.

We gave them a list of questions to find out more about their church, their team and their ministry. This month, we would like to introduce you to Archie Rish at GracePointe Church in Douglas, GA.

Church: GracePointe Church (Douglas, GA)
MarriedPeople champion: Archie Rish

Size of your church: 300

Approximate number of married couples: 55

Describe the area you are in: Rural

Tell Us About . . . You and Your Team

I am full-time on staff as the Discipleship Director.

How did you get involved in marriage ministry? It’s part of my job, but I also wanted our community to know that our church is FOR MARRIAGES. I grew tired of seeing the church seeming to only offer help for marriages in a crisis.

How many people are on your marriage ministry team (including you)? 4

How did you recruit your team? 
I asked a couple to be our hosts at the first MarriedPeople Live event we put on. Since then, they have become our forever host for our marriage team. Also, I am current working to expanded the team and grow our MarriedPeople ministry.

What are the demographics of the couples in your church? Mostly young marrieds and parents with kids

Tell Us About . . . How You Use the MarriedPeople Resources and Strategy

What resources do you use from MarriedPeople? The Strategy Pack which includes Larger Group Experiences, Small Group Resources, Date Nights and the monthly MarriedPeople E-ZINEs. The MarriedPeople book has also been helpful.

How do you use them? In what settings? Events, small groups, Sunday morning worship service. (We just did a four-week series to kick off MarriedPeople at GracePointe.)

How do you communicate with your couples? Handouts, bulletin, verbal announcements during service, emails, church website, couples using social media

Does your marriage ministry have a social media presence? No, we mainly use our church website. However, the couples in church use social media to talk about the events.

Do you encourage/invite couples from the community to your marriage events? Yes

How do you reach couples outside your church? Church website, word of mouth, individuals using social media

What has been on really great thing that has come from using MarriedPeople? Because of MarriedPeople, we have been able to watch couples celebrate each other again and take a date for the first time in years. There’s also been a build up of excitement in our community about GracePointe Church being “For Marriages.”

For our first Date Night, we asked local restaurants to donate coupons to place in the bags for a little surprise for couples. Some offered free appetizers, discounts and some even paid for entire meals. We put these in bags for couples. We had one unchurched couple who decided they were going to give the Date Night a shot, so they showed and received a bag with a free meal. The impact of the free meal and the conversation that was sparked by the MP Date Night sheet was incredible for the couple. It’s stories like this that remind us that we picked the right tool for our community when we picked MarriedPeople.

What has been your biggest success so far? We have begun to see couples from our community show up for our MarriedPeople Events. The couples in our church are blowing up social media with pics/post about the events and it causes a buzz. “Word of Mouth” or “Word of Facebook” really creates much talk and much interest in our church and why we do what we do.

What has been your biggest challenge? 
Recruiting a team. I struggle with asking someone to join a team to work events that are created for them. In my previous job, I was an event planner and in that role I wanted every person, even the host to feel like VIP guest at the event. By nature, it’s hard for me to recruit due to the fact that I want every couple to show up and feel like a VIP guest to the event.

Give us an example of how you took a MarriedPeople resource and “made it your own.” We have taken the Large Group Experience and total customized it. We don’t have live music. We provide food—anything from a dessert buffet to a full out dinner. Also for Large Groups, we have replaced the video message with a live couple on stage who share their story.

We host our date nights in drive-thru form. A couple travels through our parking lot, grabs a Date Night Bag and they’re off to a night of adventure. Many times our bags are filled with candy, coupons, etc.

If MarriedPeople could equip you with one resource, what would it be? I don’t know. I am loving what you guys already provide!

Thanks, Archie, and the awesome team impacting marriages in Douglas, GA!

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7 Ways To Get to Christmas Without a Total Meltdown

Instagram lies.

Well, at least I’m sure it does at some point over Christmas. 

When I see people posting pictures of how wonderful setting up the tree is and how magical the decorating was (okay, okay, I’ve done this…I’m guilty), it reminds me how often that process has not been an Instagrammable moment for me over the years.

I would routinely be WAY overambitious in thinking I could accomplish both the outdoor decorating and putting up the tree in about 35 minutes flat, only to be incredibly frustrated when the process took far longer than the twelve days of Christmas themselves. 

You know, the realization that the lights that worked last year when you put them away, mysteriously broke in July and didn’t bother to tell anyone? Or the tree topper that toppled you over the chair you were standing on? That’s what I’m talking about. 

It was in those moments that my Christmas spirit would evaporate. 

Got moments like that in your family? 

We all know that Christmas creates incredible pressure, and your family ends up caving under the weigh of expectation.

How do you fix that?

I’m learning, year by year, what I need to do to make sure the prep for Christmas doesn’t kill Christmas. 

Here’s are some holiday tips that can make your holiday more peaceful all around. 

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A list of holiday tips that can make your holiday more peaceful all around.
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1 – Create realistic expectations

If the secret to happiness is low expectations, then set realistic expectations for the holidays. 

Take your expectations and cut them in half. You might find some joy in the process.

2 – Set a reasonable pace

When I was in school, my last exam would finish on December 23rd. I’d have 24 hours to get everything ready. I’d run into Christmas exhausted.

Now, theoretically, I could start preparing in July. But I still tend to leave it too late.

A sustainable pace creates a sustainable peace. And who doesn’t need that? 

3 – Expect the unexpected

I don’t like surprises, but Christmas is full of them. 

If you expect surprise guests, surprise commitments, surprise interruptions and surprise expenses, you won’t be as a surprised. And you’ll be much more gracious.

4 – Agree on a budget

Peace on earth is one thing. Peace in January is another.

If you agree on a budget for everything and everyone ahead of time, you will significant reduce your stress before Christmas.

5 – Say no

You don’t have to go to every Christmas party or send cards to everyone you know.

When you say no to the less important things, you’re saying yes to what matters most. 

6 – Rest

Someone once said 70% of discipleship is a good night’s sleep. There’s some truth in that.

If you’re rattled, frazzled and angry, go to bed.

You are at your most kind when you’re at your most rested. 

7 – Prioritize time with God

Unfortunately, one of the great omissions of the Christmas season is peoples’ personal time with God. The very reason we’re doing all of this is to celebrate someone who loves you.

So love Him back. Start your day with God, and you’re far more likely to remember Him in all your moments. 

When I following these seven guidelines, Christmas is so much better.
But it’s not just better for me, it’s significantly better for everyone else too. 

And then you might have something to Instagram about. 

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The Power of Hope

Simeon waited for the "Consolation of Israel" - the One who would be the "light to bring revelation to the Gentiles and the glory of Your people Israel." Consolation means comfort. Is 40:1 says "Speak tenderly to Jerusalem. Tell her that her sad days are gone and her sins pardoned." (NLB) The substance of Godly hope is the assurance that sins are pardoned forever. Simeon recognised that with the birth of Jesus Christ also came the consolation or comfort that Israel longed for. The writer of Hebrews says that "we might have strong consolation who have fled for refuge to lay hold of the hope set before us"(Heb.6:18)


Christ, "the hope of all glory" receives all who call on His name. The Holy Spirit who is also described as the comforter always affirms the promises of God given the believer. He never casts doubt. His assurances are not built upon what we do. They are built upon what Christ has done. The old covenant was based upon what the believer did. For example, forgiveness of sins was conditional upon making blood offerings that would satisfy the requirements of the law. The new covenant however was based upon the performance of Jesus Christ. His sacrifice is good for all time. Godly hope is based on His performance, not our performance. Hope was secured the moment Father God tore the veil in the temple granting access for the forgiven sinner to enjoy His Presence. Hope says that you can come into His Presence. Hope guarantees that the believer can never be separated from Him. It guarantees that His blood will protect you and cover for you. Godly hope carries blessings that are the believer's heritage based on His covenant with His people. Moreover when times (circumstances) get tough, believers can draw comfort from the promise that Jesus will return for His bride.


Godly hope is activated whenever we display faith in His promises. Abraham, the 'father of faith', believed the incredible promise of God that he would become the father of nations. His circumstances however gave him nothing in the natural to be optimistic about the promise given him by God. He was old and his wife was barren and beyond child bearing age. Yet  "contrary to hope, in hope believed so that he became the father of many nations according to what was spoken..." (Rom.4:18) His hope was in the promise of God, not in his circumstances. The believer, contrary to his condition, can trust in his position. This is the substance of Godly hope. Godly hope will never disappoint.












This blog is based upon a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine church, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland, on Sunday 13th Dec 2015. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

Living Out In Sickness and In Health

by Justin Davis

I (Justin) am a wimp when it comes to all things related to illness. I hate being sick. I don’t like being around people who are sick. I hate hospitals and doctors offices. I throw up at the sight, sound or smell of vomit. I am not a good person to have near you when you are not feeling well.

My wife, Trish, is just the opposite. She is sympathetic and nurturing and once caught vomit from a kid in her hands to save it from going on our couch. She is amazing.

For years our marriage struggled when someone was sick. The way we approached illness just put us on different pages. We would often get in arguments or someone would get hurt feelings all over how one of us responded when the other was sick.

Yesterday, Trish had surgery and was admitted to the hospital for a planned and somewhat routine procedure. She came through the surgery well and will take about 3 weeks to recover, but it got me thinking about some adjustments we’ve made in our marriage to help us stay connected when navigating sickness.

Here are three things to keep in mind as you attempt to live out “in sickness and in health.”

1. Speak their illness language.
When Trish is sick, she wants to be left alone and not bothered. She doesn’t want to be taken care of or nurtured. She wants to sleep and not be interrupted. She likes isolation when she is not feeling well. When I am sick, I want to be pampered and loved on and taken care of. I want to be the center of attention and checked on often.

When we first got married, I tried to take care of Trish the way that I like to be taken care of. That didn’t work out well. When I would get sick she’d disappear and never check on me . . . which is how she likes to be treated when she’s sick. That crushed me.

Learn how your spouse likes to be treated when they are sick and treat them the way they want to be treated not the way you like to be treated when you’re sick.

2. Go beyond what is comfortable.
I hate hospitals. I have a phobia that they are going to hear me cough or look at me and see that I have a disease that they need to admit me to treat. So I don’t like hospitals. But when I was at the hospital with Trish, I am not acting paranoid or nervous. I chose to go beyond my comfort zone and not make her surgery about me.
Marriage isn’t a place for selfish people. Sometimes you have to go beyond what is comfortable for you to serve the needs of your spouse. I definitely don’t always get this right, but the last thing I want to do is make Trish feel guilty for having surgery.

3. Ask for help.
There have been times when our kids were younger and one or two of them were sick or Trish or I were sick and life got stressful and tense. Trish and I would try to do everything ourselves and not ask anyone for help. We’d be exhausted, we’d take out our exhaustion and frustration on each other and wound each other in the process.

Then a week later we’d tell a friend how hard those few days were and they’d say, “Why didn’t you call, I would have brought you a meal, watched your kids, done your laundry . . . etc.”

Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a sign of wisdom and humility. We weren’t meant to do life alone. When you ask others for help you give them an opportunity to serve you as you try to serve your family. Be willing to ask for help.

“In sickness and in health” isn’t always easy . . . but it is possible.

 

Justin and his wife,Trisha, are bloggers, authors, teachers—and parents to three boys. They co-founded RefineUs Ministries and frequently travel around the country speaking at conferences, churches and retreats. You can follow Justin on Twitter at @justindavis33.

 

Reposted with permission. Article originally appeared here. 

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Fight for the Heart, Not Your Traditions

One night last December, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table making Christmas cookies…by myself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it just wasn’t the plan. That was not our tradition.

Now that my kids are teenagers with busy schedules of their own, no one else was home but me. So there I sat, clinging to my tradition, making cookies alone, feeling pretty sad about the whole thing. (I’m sure I let everyone know about it when they got home.)

One thing parenting has taught me about traditions is they are easy to start and hard to let go. So, what happens when the kids get older and you find yourself experiencing more transition than tradition? 

The first thing I had to do was accept that transition is a part of life. It’s evident my kids are growing up, which is a good thing. It’s okay they don’t want to watch Frosty the Snowman or make ornaments out of felt anymore. Now that they’re in college and high school, their interests have changed . They are transitioning. Knowing that, if we want to stay connected with our kids, we may need to tweak a tradition or even start a new one.

Secondly, their dad and I had to decide which traditions were worth clinging to and which ones we needed to let go. We did this by simply asking the kids which traditions meant the most to them. This helped so much! I was surprised by some of the things they said, like getting a peppermint milkshake in our PJs while driving around looking at Christmas lights had to stay. That one still gets two thumbs up! Making the gingerbread house on the other hand, that could go. (And while we’re at it, the Christmas cartoons could go too!) Who knew? They knew! Deciding on traditions with the kids gave us permission to let go of some things—guilt free—and to stop trying to force moments to happen they had outgrown.

Finally, I had to remind myself of the purpose of traditions in the first place. Traditions are meant to keep us connected to the ones we love and give us a sense of belonging to something bigger than ourselves, not to make us feel exhausted, frustrated, and disappointed (or maybe even a little depressed). As long as I have a relationship with my kids, things are good. We don’t have to make Christmas cookies to stay connected, to have a relationship, or even to have a wonderful Christmas. We just need time with each other.

Now that I have one kid away at college and two teens at home, being together in the same place at the same time is difficult, which makes keeping up with our traditions difficult. I’m learning to make the most of the time I have with my family rather than pout over the time I don’t have.

If we have some minutes in the car, we turn up the Christmas music and sing together. So what if we’re not gathered around the fireplace like we did when they were younger.

Since watching the holiday Hallmark movies is one of my kids’ favorite things to do, I make sure and record them so when we find ourselves together, I can pop the popcorn and have a spontaneous movie night.

I allow my kids’ friends to join the fun because my kids really like being with their friends. Rather than look at it like their friends are invading our traditions, I’m thankful my kids and their friends are letting me hang out with them. It’s all in your perspective.

The point is, we’re together, staying connected with the ones we love during the holidays. After all, when you really think about it, it’s the relationship with your kids you should be fighting for, not the tradition. So keep a loose grip on those traditions, but hold tightly to the hearts of your kids.

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This Christmas keep a loose grip on those traditions, but hold tightly to the hearts of your kids.
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This week, we’re selecting 3 of our readers to receive a 52 Week Table Top Calendar & Notebook. With 52 illustrations (by Hannah Joiner Crosby), you will be inspired and motivated each week to give kids one of the six things kids need over time. You will also have a place to record some of the ways you are investing in them each week so you can look back and know what you are doing over time is making a lasting impact.
Use the form below for a chance to win! Don’t have kids at home? Win it for a friend!
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Contest will end Wednesday, December 16th at 12:00am. Winners will be chosen randomly. We will contact each winner via email on Wednesday afternoon for details about where to send your prize!

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Growing Compassionate Kids

Maybe you’ve had a moment like this in your home. You give your kids money for something at school, more than enough for whatever ice cream sandwich they’re hoping to buy. You ask them for the change only to find out that on top of the ice cream sandwich, they bought three bags of chips, a sports drink, and three sugar-filled pixie sticks. You face palm, shake your head, and engage your kids in a quick lesson on stewardship of resources.

We figured this was going to be the case one afternoon not so long ago. My middle schooler has a “snack-shack” every Friday at his school. Normally we give him a dollar for bag of chips or candy bar. But on this particular day, we only had a $5 bill. In the back of our heads, I’m sure we figured we would never see any of this money again, but we asked for the change anyway.

Yet when my son said he didn’t have any change, the excuse was unexpected. Two of his friends forgot their money and he bought something for each of them. And we sat stunned (and quite thankful) that our son had not only spotted a need but also cared enough about his friends to do something about it. He didn’t want them to be without a snack just because they forgot their money. This was awesome.

This month, we’re talking a lot about compassion: caring enough to do something about someone else’s need. It’s one thing to see a person in need. We see needs all the time. But what are we doing about the needs we do see—and not because we feel some obligation but rather because we genuinely care about the person in need. Ultimately, we want our kids not only to show compassion, but also to become compassionate people and to have a desire to help others because they have value in God’s eyes.

Compassion is easy to think about at Christmas. After all, at this time of year we celebrate God’s compassion to us. God saw our greatest need and did something about it. He sent his ONLY SON, Jesus, to live, die and come back to life so we can be with God forever. However, extending compassion beyond the holidays and making it a part of your family’s DNA can be difficult.

Kids are not naturally compassionate. It’s not that they don’t care about other. Rather, at this phase they are just more focused on their own needs instead of others’ needs. At first, we need to help them make connections about how they can help others in need, not just at Christmas, but all throughout the year.

Here are some quick ideas:

Model it for them. It’s easy to hear about a need in your church or community, go out and shop, and drip off the items without ever bringing your kids into the process. That might be efficient, but if we want to think about helping our kids become compassionate, we need to invite them into the process so they can see what compassion looks like and experience the joy of meeting someone’s need.

Expose kids to the needs of others. Because your kids don’t always naturally see people’s needs, you can help them become aware of the needs in your community and around the word. Know what’s appropriate to share with your kids, but a great place to start is sharing stories about kids who have needs. Compassion International’s Step Into My Shoes Campaign (http://ift.tt/1r6RBLy) is a great place to start.

Give them resources to meet those needs. Since this happened with our son, we’ve been more intentional about giving our kids extra money or food along with instructions to look out for people who they could help. Not only are they developing eyes to see the needs of people around them, they are having fun meeting those needs. It’s been great to watch them brainstorm and make suggestions about new ways that our family can help the people we know.

This season, remember that God loved us and showed compassion to us first. Then ask yourself the question: How will we love others? As we keep that question on our minds while interacting with the people in our community, I imagine we’ll start to notice all sorts of ways we can show compassion to the people around us. Take your family on a compassion adventure and try meeting those needs together. As you do this, over time, compassion will become a defining characteristic of your family.

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Using Research to Structure Your Marriage Ministry

by Matt Engel

Marriage Ministry can often be based on our best guess as church leaders. After all we understand the married people in our church and community, right? Maybe. But what if we don’t?

At our church, Mission Community Church in Gilbert, AZ, we decided to take a more calculated and targeted approach.

As we’ve researched the community’s desires and demographics, we have gained data that has drastically impacted our approach. One of the top things the data uncovered was that the average age was 39—and our ministry was not reaching our target group. Our research also unearthed that marriage is the top priority in the community and that marriage is the key topic that could draw unbelievers to our church. The unchurched don’t want to come to church to know God, but they do want to gain practical advice for their marriage. What a staggering statistic!

So the first task for our marriage ministry was to scale and sustain a ministry to meet this opportunity. The philosophy behind everything we create is offering the right couple the right information at the right time.  Our previous approaches towards pre-marriage, enrichment and crisis were only hitting a minority of our church and community.

As we continue to measure and improve couples’ marriage health, we can cultivate continued buy-in and not worry about who is engaging because we are constantly adjusting our model to continually improve.

GETTING FEEDBACK
One of the easiest things we did was sent out a survey to over 750 couples who attended our DateNightPhx event, and asked everyone for a ranking of environment, content and current health of relationship. This was the quantitative side and then we also asked for personal stories. The feedback we got off this began the cascade of changes we implemented in other areas of our ministry.

For example, we had people say that they didn’t want to be separated from their spouses when going through courses, and they wanted to have more fun versus feeling beat up. They wanted a little content, but more fun. That is why we decided to go with a 51% fun, 49% content in our efforts.

Throughout all of our programming, we ask people who are both in and out of the church what they want or think and deliver on that, instead of forcing something that does not want to happen. We try to find out WHAT they want to happen and help make THAT happen—and stop assuming we know it all.

LIVING IN THE UNKNOWNS
This means we had to be willing to live in unknown unknowns. Let me explain. In a pie chart we have three basic categories: the smallest piece on the chart is the KNOWN KNOWNS—for example, I KNOW my eyes are green.

The next piece slightly larger is the KNOWN UNKNOWNS, for example I KNOW I DO NOT KNOW how to perform brain surgery.

The largest piece of the pie and maybe the most important is the UNKNOWN UNKNOWNS. An example of this is our willingness to listen, learn and adapt as we begin to fill this piece of pie.

When we live in the UNKNOWN of UNKNOWNS, it frees us up from locking into one pattern! This piece of pie is where true learners live, and the investigation and constant monitoring and tweaking for continued improvements happens.

Don’t force or expect everyone to be in the same boat nor have the same desire. Leverage an approach that includes constant feedback and room for adjustments. Understanding who our people are and providing vision and direction is the one constant. People want to be known and empowered.

 

Matt Engel formerly worked as a Senior Director at Arizona State University, and is currently Marriage Pastor at Mission Community Church. Matt uses data integration and design applications to cultivate measured impact and influence for the kingdom of God. 

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3 Parent Hacks to Get Some Mommy-Daddy “Alone Time”

* by Ashley Willis

When you have kids, time seems to always be an issue.  There is simply not enough of it…especially when it comes to Mommy and Daddy getting some “alone time”.  Yes, I am talking about sex here.  And, yes, we need to be having lots of it…even with kiddos in the house.

But, let’s be really honest…it’s a lot easier said than done.  So, what are we supposed to do?  Well, we have to make physical intimacy a priority, and that often means we have to schedule it.  I know…I know…sounds a little lame, but everything else is on our schedule, so why not sex?  When we have so many other things fighting for our time, our marriage and yes, sex, gets pushed to the back burner.  We have to prevent this from happening.  Many times, this takes strategic, creative planning.  And, yes, there are various ways to set the stage.  Here are 3 parent hacks to get you and your partner some mommy-daddy “alone time”:

 

1.  The “Getting Ready” Tactic

This might be the one Dave and I have used most.  Okay, that may be too much information, but I’m just keeping it real.  This scenario is one in which we make sure our kids are safely occupied for around thirty minutes or so…maybe using an iPad, reading a book, or watching a movie, etc..  Then, we just tell them that Mommy and Daddy are “getting ready” and head to the bedroom.  This tactic can be used any time of the day.  Yes, it works.  And, no, my kids haven’t figured it out yet or walked in on us.  Oh, and please lock your doors.  No kid wants to walk in on their parents’ love fest.

 

2.  Lunch Break Love

This is a great tactic when you both have a lunch break and the kids are at school or daycare.  Who says lovemaking has to happen at night?  Why not set a lunch date at the house?  In fact, how fun would it be to surprise your spouse and meet him/her at the house for a little rendezvous?  Don’t be afraid to spice things up.  This takes a little planning, but it is well worth it.

 

3.  Early Bedtime

This hack might be the most practical of them all.  Tell the kids that everyone needs to “hit the hay” earlier than usual one or two nights a week, and use this time to reconnect with each other in the Biblical sense.  If you have older kids, you can give them something else to do like listen to music, read, or watch television if the bedtime seems a bit too early for them.  As parents, WE set the bedtimes.  So, we can take full advantage of the extra hour or two.

 

These 3 tactics are certainly not rocket science, yet so many of us have a hard time making our sex lives a priority.  It seems unimportant to many of us, but it is vital to our marriages.  We need to connect with our partner on every level – physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally – to build and maintain a strong marriage.  Check out “5 Ways to Reconnect with Your Spouse”, for more on this.

 

So, let’s talk about how we can be having MORE sex with our husband/wife.  Ask each other these questions:

What time of day works best for you to enjoy it most?

 

How often do you want to be having sex?

 

Where do you enjoy it most?

 

What can I do to enhance our sex life?

 

The more we are open with each other about our expectations and desires, the better.  Let’s get excited about it.  Try one or all of the three parent hacks discussed earlier.  Come up with a new hack and share it with the rest of us!  

Let’s build up to it by texting each other flirtatiously, buying and wearing nice lingerie, lighting candles, or running bubble baths.  We should be having the best sex around.  We are married!  God designed sex for US.  Let’s have more of it and enjoy it.  The kids will be fine in the other room.

* My husband and I are founders of the Facebook Marriage page and The Marriage and Family Foundation, Inc.. 

 

 

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Top 10 Blog Posts for Couples in 2015

So how was your year? Yeah, us too.

Good moments. Crazy moments.

But through it all, we hope you and your spouse were able to stay connected. Even better, we hope the connection was stronger than in the previous year.

Here at MarriedPeople, that’s what we what for couples—better connection. And speaking of connection, here are the top 10 blog posts for couples that connected the most with you, our readers.

Check them out. Re-read them. Share them. And join us for 2016, as we continue to point you and your spouse towards each other, and to God. Thanks!

Oh, and one more thing . . . Happy New Year! —The MarriedPeople Team (Ted, Nancy, Tim)

THE TOP 10 . . . 

#10 Sticks and Stones (Sandra Stanley)

#9 How Not to be a Mean Married Person  (Ted Lowe)

#8 The One Thing Missing in Most Marriages  (Justin and Trisha Davis)

#7  Practice Your Promise: To Have and To Hold (Ted Lowe)

#6 What Your Husband Really Wants for Father’s Day . . . But Can’t Tell You (Ted Lowe)

#5 Hard Words, Not Harsh Words (Kevin A. Thompson)

#4 36 Things I Know After 36 Years of Marriage (Winifred M. Reilly)

#3 Swimming in the Blended Family Ocean (Ron L. Deal)

#2 10 actions That Children Learn from their Parents’ Marriage (Doug Fields)

and #1 . . . The “15-Second Kiss” Experiment (Ryan Frederick) —try this one today!

 

 

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Christmas Gifts That Won’t Clutter

We’ve all been there.

It’s mid-March. The holidays have come and gone. The weather is slowly warming back up. Life has returned to normal.

After the kids are in bed, you walk back through your quiet house, turning off lights, making lunches for the next day. As you’re about to head to bed (AKA catching up on Netflix shows), you peek into the kids rooms or the playroom. And you almost pass out. Because what you see looks like the aftermath of a nuclear explosion.

All those toys, puzzles, and pop-up tents (that never fit back into their tiny bags) that your kids got for Christmas are now spilling out of every drawer, box, and cabinet they’ve been shoved into.

It happens in my house every year. I tell myself that my daughter will play with that Baby Alive doll for at least two years. Two days later, Baby has marker tattoos on her forehead and gum in her hair.

Sometimes, the level of consumption in my house feels excessive. I want my girls to grow up not only knowing the true meaning of Christmas, but experiencing it as well.

But let’s be honest . . .I am going to buy my kids something to open on Christmas morning. My parents, my in-laws, and my siblings are going to buy my kids something, too.

So this year, I am determined to come up with a short list of gifts that my girls will enjoy long after the Christmas decorations come down. (Which—let’s be honest— might also be mid-March.)

1. Movie Night – Grab a box, add in your kid’s favorite snack, DVD, and comfy pajamas or a blanket. For older kids, you could gift them a popcorn machine and kernels.

2. Zoo Membership – This can be something that the grandparents pitch in on! The Atlanta Zoo – like many – has several membership levels to choose from. Buy your child their favorite stuffed animal (The DollarTree has tons) and tie the ticket around its neck! For a teenager, an amusement park might be a fun substitute.

3. Sleepover Kit – Set up a night where one or a few friends can sleep over. The kit could be as simple as a new calendar with “Slumber Party with Kate and Maria” written on a specific date, or as elaborate as matching pajamas and spa sets for girls or a tent and flashlights for boys.

4. National Geographic Magazine Subscription (Kids’ Edition) – The thing I love about this idea is that it’s something your child can look forward to every month. Plus, it’s well under $20 FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR.

5. Lessons or activities – What do your kids love to do? Piano, martial arts, dance, instrumental, art, rock climbing? Pay attention to whatever sparks interest in your child or teen. If you’re not sure, give them a coupon that says you’ll pay for whatever hobby they want to pursue.

I would love to hear how your family approaches Christmas gifts. How do you find the balance between what your kids want and what your kids need?

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This week, we’re selecting 3 of our readers to receive a copy of our brand new Christmas Board Book. Told through a fantastic rhyme that will engage toddlers and preschoolers alike, The Christmas Story will be one they will ask to hear again and again. Use the form below for a chance to win! Don’t have small kids? Win it for a friend!
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Contest will end Wednesday, December 9th at 12:00am. Winners will be chosen randomly, and we will contact each winner via email on Wednesday afternoon for details about where to send your prize!

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In Sickness and In Health: 5 Things Mentally Strong People Avoid

by Hal White

In his book Blueprint for Life, Mike Kendrick writes, “All of us have struggled at times with negative thoughts, either from learned patterns in our relationships or from distorted perspectives we’ve picked up along the way.”

You’ve probably noticed that you can’t really change your behavior without changing your thoughts. Scripture urges us to change our thinking to renew our minds (Romans 12:2).

I recently read a list on LifeHack by Amy Morin on things mentally strong people avoid. It reminded me of renewing one’s mind to be all you can be for God. I want to share five of my favorites from her list along with some of my own ideas.

1. Avoid spending energy on things you can’t control. Mentally strong people don’t complain about bad situations beyond their control. They recognize the one thing they can always control is their own attitude.  Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think on these things.”
2. Avoid dwelling on the past. There is strength in acknowledging the past, especially in things learned from the past. . . but a mentally strong person avoids letting past mistakes define them.  They invest the majority of their energy in the present and the future.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”
3. Avoid giving up after failure. Every failure is a chance for improvement. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
4. Avoid resenting other people’s success. It takes strength of character to genuinely feel joy and excitement for other people’s success. The heart of 1 Corinthians 13 says love rejoices with others.  Love doesn’t become jealous or resentful when others succeed.
5. Avoid worrying about pleasing others. Know any people pleasers?  People who go out of their way to please others? Who want approval? People who are mentally strong are able to withstand the possibility that someone will get upset with them, even if they speak up.

Will you join me in becoming mentally strong by aligning your thought life with God’s truth so you can be who you were created to be in Christ?

 

Hal White serves as Chief Operating Officer for iDisciple. His varied background includes Student Minister for Fellowship Bible Church (Roswell, Ga), FL/GA/ALA Area Director for Campus Crusade for Christ, and Vice-President for North America with Crown Financial Ministries. Hal and his wife Carla, reside in Alpharetta, Georgia.

 

Reposted with permission. Article originally appeared here.

 

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Parenting Is Like Morning Sickness [Podcast]

Duffy Robbins, Professor of Youth Ministry at Eastern University, joins Reggie Joiner and Kristen Ivy in this episode of Parent Cue Live.

Listen to Parent Cue Live

The Parent Cue Live podcast is available on iTunes. Click here to subscribe and get each episode automatically.

To listen to this episode, click the player below. If you’re reading this via email or RSS, please click here.

Highlights

In this episode, Duffy, Kristen, and Reggie discussed:

• the “Morning Sickness” Principle of Parenting
• going through labor twice with each child.
• how we often see what we weren’t really hoping to see
• your job in a kid’s difficult season.

Quotes

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“The process of growth doesn’t always look like progress.” @DuffyRobbins
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“Parenting. It won’t always be pretty, but that’s not always a sign of failure.” @DuffyRobbins
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“The best farmer in the world has to stare at barren soil for a season.” @DuffyRobbins
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Episode Links

• Duffy on Twitter: @DuffyRobbins
• Reggie on Twitter: @ReggieJoiner
• Kristen on Twitter: @Kristen_Ivy
• Eastern University
• The Phase Project

Parent Cue

• Twitter: @theparentcue
• Instagram: @parentcue
• Facebook: fb.com/parentcue
• Pinterest: Parent Cue

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Hopefully this episode has helped you find a few practical ways to “do family better.” That’s our goal. If you appreciated it, could you share the love?

The best way to do that is to rate the podcast in iTunes and leave us a review! Your rating and review helps gets the podcast in front of new parents and listeners. You can also click the buttons below to share this episode on your own social media channels!

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Easy Wins for Busy Leaders

by Ted Lowe

I talked to a leader of a parachurch organization who is very passionate about helping marriages. He wanted to do that through the local church. He had tried for years to help churches help marriages by providing them with resources.

He told me he was done trying.

He said he was going directly to couples with his resources, because church leaders don’t care about helping married couples. Did I want to hit him? Yes, a little. Of course church leaders want to help marriages! They, perhaps more than anyone, see the impact of broken marriages.

But if I’m being honest, I understand, to a degree, why he feels the way he does. We talk to church leaders all the time who want to help couples, but don’t. Why? A million reasons, but the biggest reason can be summed in one word: busyness.

Church leaders have a ton on their plates and while they want to help married couples, they struggle with the constant reality that Sunday is coming and all the details and prep that requires. What you want to do can easily get pushed aside by what you have to do right now.

But when you get proactive vs. reactive with the marriages in your church, you move on from the land of “That’s a great idea . . . for someday . . . when we have some margin.”

So if you find yourself in the category of wanting to help marriages but not having the time, here are a couple of easy wins any leader can do or better yet, hand off to a volunteer.

• Date Nights. Help couples date by giving them ready-made date nights. MarriedPeople has a lot of options you can choose from or check around online. We like ours best because they give couples step-by-step instructions instead of broad ideas, and can be done by any couple in any community at any economic level. If you can, provide childcare. Not having childcare is a date deal killer for a lot of couples. You can provide these dates in physical format (PDF) or online.
• Articles. Email couples links to your favorite blogs and other online resources. You can create your own email magazine or newsletter (also known as an E-ZINE), or check out our E-ZINE. We create a monthly email newsletter/magazine that gives couples go-and-do’s they can actually go and do. You send the E-ZINE to the married people at your church every month through an email management tool, like Constant Contact or MailChimp. We also have articles for couples on the MarriedPeople blog every Friday.
• Partnering couples with couples. Every couple needs a couple down the road, one who has been married longer and has some more life experience. Pair couples with other down the road couples who are great listeners. Often times, these couples can provide just what a younger couple needs. Encourage them to simply grab a meal and get honest. As you find time, provide them with a few questions to get them started.

Many, if not most, married couples aren’t antagonistic towards each other, they are just disconnected. When you help couples laugh, think, talk to each other and others, it helps them re-connect or perhaps connect for the first time.

Trust yourself on what tools to provide and relationships to encourage. Your expert knowledge of busyness can help you know what couples can and will actually do.

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last. Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

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