by Carey Nieuwhof
Being an authentic leader is hardly negotiable anymore.
People want to see the real you, with your weaknesses, mistakes and vulnerabilities.
You know that, because you’re watching the last fumes of the ‘never let ’em see you sweat’ leader vaporize into the stratosphere.
But you’ve also seen the pendulum swing the other way. You don’t want to be the ‘oversharing’ transparent person on your Facebook newsfeed whose every emotion, relational struggle and moment of self-doubt is posted for the planet to gawk at.
How do you become appropriately transparent? How do you find that fine line between being too revealing and being too reserved?
I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum.
Early in my leadership, I was afraid to let anyone see my weaknesses. I was afraid to say “I don’t know”. I was hesitant to share my struggles. I thought I had to have it all together.
I got away from that after a few years and became more open, but then I went through burnout and in one sobering moment discovered the other end of the spectrum.
About a year after I came back from burnout, I was speaking to a group of church leaders in Philadelphia. I talked quite openly about my struggle with burnout.
After, the lead pastor of the church came up to me and said “Wow . . . that was tough. Are you sure you don’t need more counseling?”
The Three Mistakes I Made In Oversharing
I’m sure in that moment, I had overshared. Looking back on it, I realized I made three mistakes in that talk.
- I hadn’t finished processing what I was going through.
- My talk about that subject was more about me than it was about the audience.
- I didn’t have any clear strategies to help any listeners who might have been going through the same thing.
I wish I had a better metaphor for that kind of talk, but here’s how I think of it (because I’ve sat through too many and given one or two myself): it’s like the speaker just threw up a little (or a lot) on the audience.
And nobody leaves feeling better for it. Except maybe the speaker or writer.
But It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way
I’ve since given talks about my burnout and recovery to thousands of leaders in different venues and even different continents, and people have thanked me for it again and again.
Some of the most heartfelt and meaningful thank you notes I’ve received have been from people who have heard me talk about my recovery from burnout.
What’s the difference?
I shared, but I stopped oversharing.
In fact, over the last few years I’ve tried to develop some working guidelines for appropriate transparency.
3 Keys to Appropriate Transparency
I’m by no means an expert, but here’s what I try to do in my life, writing and speaking. These guidelines have helped me find the line I think I need to find, and I hope they can help you.
1. Process your current issues privately.
All of us have current struggles. Whether it’s headline news or not (most of our struggles aren’t), it’s so key to have a close circle of people to process them with.
For me, I share these things with my spouse, a few close friends, team, elders, mentors and as needed counselors to work through my current issues. And naturally I’m consulting scripture and praying through them as well. That’s appropriate.
You usually don’t need to talk about these issues publicly; but you do need to talk about them. That someone (appropriate) knows about them and is helping you is key.
Just because somebody needs to know about them doesn’t mean everybody needs to know about them. Discretion and transparency and are not a contradiction at all. Telling the right people is often the difference between success and failure in ministry and leadership.
Anecdotally, I suspect the people who have never cultivated an inner circle with whom to process life are the people who tell everybody their problems. I wish they had an inner circle.
2. Share publicly what you’ve processed privately.
Once an issue is dealt with or mostly dealt with, it’s far more appropriate to share publicly. You never want to give off the “I used to struggle with this but now I have no issues” vibe, but if you haven’t figured out how to deal with a problem, how can you help others deal with it?
I make it a rule to share publicly what I’ve processed privately.
Interestingly enough, I’m never short of material. Bet you won’t be either.
3. Share what will help the listener, not you.
If you can’t be helpful, you’re probably not ready to talk about it.
I find often that the speakers or writers who overshare are people who are processing something for their benefit, not for the benefit of their audience.
The only time that’s ever helpful is when you’re part of that person’s inner circle. Otherwise, it leaves you feeling like a stranger just shared far too much and you leave confused.
If you can’t help your audience with a subject, come to a full stop.
There are probably issues you need to deal with. There are probably conversations you still need to have.
One day, God might use that use it to help many. But that day probably isn’t today.
What have you seen work or not work when it comes to transparency?
What guidelines have you developed? Leave a comment!
Carey Nieuwhof is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multicampus church north of Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Community Church. Prior to starting Connexus in 2007, Carey served for 12 years in a mainline church, transitioning three small congregations into a single, rapidly growing church.
He speaks to North American and global church leaders about leadership, change and personal growth. Carey is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-authored “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner. He and his wife Toni live near Barrie, Ontario and have two sons, Jordan and Sam. He blogs at http://ift.tt/1bdw8GN and hosts the top-rated Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast every week.
Reposted with permission.
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