Listening Ears

by Amanda Maguire

As a wife, the ability to build up my husband with my words is one of my greatest blessings—and in the same moment (often), my greatest curse is the ability to tear him down with the words that come out of the same mouth! Not just in front of his face, but I am guilty of saying hurtful words behind his back. And I believe this is where the danger really can hide. The words I say behind his back are the feelings I’ll have and the actions I’ll display when we are face to face. Caring or kind, ugly or mean it doesn’t matter, those are the things I will look for when I see him next.

I know three main audiences that give great attention to my marriage and my words about Jeff:
My kids
My church
My friends

MY KIDS need to have a respectful view of their father. They feel safe and secure when they know that Jeff and I are at peace and love each other. They find their own identity in their father. And they trust my love for them when they can see and hear that I love their dad. Don’t get me wrong, we are no doubt painting a REAL picture of marriage for my kids here. They know marriage isn’t rainbows and unicorns. They see us disagree and they can sense when things are hard and stressful. They also see us fight for love in our relationship. The way I speak about Jeff when he is not around is so important in shaping the view of their dad and to show them the respect I have for him as a man and father.

This has also been a fun one now that my kids are a little bit older. Its fun to compliment his butt in front of them, or how HOT I think their dad is. I love seeing them giggle and squirm. They feel confident when they hear that I find their dad attractive. I love affirming his character even when he is not around. When my son opens the door for me to say, “You are such a gentleman, just like your dad.” I see the glow about him and the joy in his smile. And my heart is reminded that I chose a man that is kind and a good father.

The people who attend OUR CHURCH pay close attention to how I speak about Jeff, their pastor. Almost like our children, they feel secure that their pastor is a godly man if the woman who loves him most is supportive and partners in ministry with him. It affirms their decision to make our church their “family.” One of the easiest, and my most favorite way of affirming and bragging about Jeff is when someone approaches me and says, “Your husband did a really great job with that message today.” I love saying, “Yes he did! He is the best communicator I know. And he’s so handsome, too!”

What good would it do to be sarcastic in front of them or jab? “Well, I wish he could change a diaper like he gave a sermon . . . at least once a week would be nice!” I’m sure they would feel confused not to mention I just peed all over the compliment they were trying to give. And when I approach Jeff next, I am bitter that he doesn’t change diapers, not reminded that God has gifted him greatly in communicating His Word to people.

MY FRIENDS. This is a tricky one. I have some really great and safe friends that have walked through a lot of life with Jeff and I in the past 18 years. And for real, our marriage is far from perfect! There are real times that I need to process the yuck of our relationship with someone safe, and in that process expose the ugly mean stuff in each of us. That’s normal and healthy. Where I go wrong is in the daily grind continuously plopping down on the couch with someone and complaining about “dumb ol Jeff” . . . can’t seem to find the dishwasher, can’t add 2+2 to pay the bills, can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, can’t, can’t, can’t. Won’t, won’t, won’t. And as I tear him down in the presence of my friends I take a swing at my own marriage each time I open my critical mouth. I beat up our sacred union and I’m farther away from the marriage God wants for us and our family. I am turning my back on the man I love.

It’s been a real marriage changer the way I talk about Jeff when he’s not around—stopping myself before I make a snide remark or unfair jab at his character without him there. Even though it might be true and feels good in that moment, it bruises my own heart in the long run. My words have weight. And I can’t think of heavier words than unkind words about the person I am suppose to love the most in this world.

Making a new habit of openly affirming Jeff even when he’s not around, singing his praise about the way God has made him to others softens my heart and builds him up again and again. I want him to be confident and assured that I love and respect him, and am only speaking highly of him to others. And I need the same.

 

Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor for 12 years and now the lead pastor of a church for the past 3 years. (It’s the same guy!) They are raising a family with kids 11, 9, and 6. Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!

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