What Will My Kids Think About Their Childhood?

I know it’s hard to imagine your child being an adult right now when they’re running around in a diaper eating dirt, but it’s going to happen.

They will become adults one day. Adults with thoughts and opinions and something I’m just now thinking about—a response to how they’ve been raised.

Kids don’t have a choice in . . .
who will be their mom and dad.
where they will live.
what happens in their home.

But as their hearts and minds mature, they will be able to look back and decide what they think about their childhood and all that was connected to it. After all, what we do as parents today is what our kids will be talking about tomorrow.

It happened to you. It happened to me. And it will happen to them.

So this is the question I’ve been wrestling with lately:

What will my kids think about when they think of me?

I’m getting to a phase in parenting where my kids can respond to the way I’ve raised them. They have been passed down some good habits and some not so good habits. I’ve given them a strong foundation in some areas and passed on cycles that need to be broken in others. I’ve given them good memories and moments we wish we all could forget.

I guess I hope more than anything that they will think of me as a mom who pointed them to God every day. I’m sure there are countless others who could have taught my kids more about the Bible or prayed more eloquent prayers, but I’ve had something all these years others don’t—and you have it too—parent power.

Yep, there’s just something extra powerful when mom and dad are the ones telling the Bible stories and praying the prayers. With that said, don’t let anything hold you back. Choose to be the one who talks to your kids about God and prays with them. Let THAT be something your kids think about when they think of you years down the road.

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1OA7jEc
via IFTTT

3 Ways to Hear Her Heart: Decrypting Your Wife’s Words

by Ryan Frederick

Gentlemen, this post is for you. Let’s just be honest, we aren’t wired like our wives; especially when it comes to communication. Sometimes it feels like she’s speaking a completely foreign language.

We try to listen and respond the best way we know how; why does it sometimes have the complete opposite of the intended effect? This has happened to us more times than I care to admit. Is it because Selena is hard to communicate with? I don’t think so. Is because I’m dense? Perhaps. We’ve been married for almost 12 years (together for 16), so why do we still face communication issues?

I have no clue.

While I can’t vouch for John Mayer’s views on marriage, he uses an apt analogy in his song “Daughters”:
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

As soon as we think we’ve found the “help” switch at last (!!), it moves. Right when we’ve got the “supportive” dial tweaked perfectly, it stops working.

I may not know exactly why the communication-maze walls change, but I think I’ve found a few ways to help navigate them.

1: Hear what she’s not saying
Selena and I have had countless conversations where she presents a frustration (to be fair, I often express the same), either with me or with a situation, and I simply address what she’s saying.

“You never help with the dishes!”, she might say. What do I do naturally? I tally up all the times in the past week I helped with dishes. Then I fire back: “What? I just did them yesterday, and 3 other times this week!”

Boom. Argument won. That’ll set the record straight, right? She’s frustrated about the dishes, so I’ll simply state the facts and it will be done . . .
Wrong.
Think! What is going on in her world that could be causing her to be on edge? Yes, it could just be the dishes. But it could also be a co-worker that said something hurtful. It could be a family issue weighing heavily on her. Maybe she’s dealing with an insecurity of her own.

The point here is that there isn’t always a cut and dry solution. As husbands, we need to discern what’s really going on and respond lovingly. Address the issue at hand, but keep the conversation going until she knows you’re right there with her, caring for her, and feeling what she feels. It’s called empathy fellas.

2: Less fixing, more listening
This is a big struggle for me, I love to fix things. Most men are the same way . . . “Hey man, got a problem? Here’s how to fix it.” Boom. Solved.

Men, your wife isn’t one of your guy friends. She’s not a flat tire, she’s not a leaky faucet, and she’s not a client submitting a helpdesk request. There is no manual.

She’s a living, breathing being who is coming to you for connection and compassion, not a simple solution. She needs to know that you’re there, present with her—able to walk through her storm side by side.

Sometimes, yes, there is a quick thing she needs help with. Selena always makes her laptop do weird things I never imagined possible . . . those are quick fixes. But when your wife comes to you with a sense of despondency and deep frustration, it’s time to perk those ears up and listen—fixing it may break it more.

It’s up to you to know and listen to your wife, you’re the only one who can – listen like your life depends on it. Then, lovingly (with the help of the Holy Spirit) minister to her, just as Christ ministers to the church. Pray with her, encourage her, and assure her that everything’s going to be alright. Sometimes that’s really the answer she’s looking for.

3: Fight frustration
Don’t be surprised when knee-jerk logic and fixes don’t calm things down.

Once, Selena and I were discussing some financial hurdles we were facing. My tactless expense shaving became abrasive, this gave rise to a heated debate about every area of lack she felt we had. Of course, everything was magnified at that moment.

My first reaction was to get VERY defensive and remind her of how hard I work and how blessed we are. “How can she be so ungrateful!!?” I thought. I started to steam and stew, simply waiting for my turn to speak so I could prove my point once and for all.

Then it occurred to me: the issue wasn’t the issue. (Selena writes about that here.) She was dealing with a lot and I just needed to see her, listen to her, and be present with her. Then I just needed to love her, speak tenderly, and remind her that everything was going to be just fine.
The result? As I softened, she softened. The walls began to crumble, and we were able to connect on a deeper level.

Husbands: it’s your job to know your wife
Bottom line: be in tune with your bride. You know her and what she needs right then. It’s not always simple but it is necessary.

As husbands we are mandated to love our wives as Christ loves the church. Next time you feel that burning desire to fire back a quick fix or logical retort, stop. Listen to what she’s not saying and respond lovingly so she feels loved.

 

Ryan and Selena Frederick blog at fiercemarriage.com, a place to help couples process through marriage’s trials as well as celebrate its joys. You can follow them on Twitter at @FierceMarriage. 

Originallly posted here. Reposted with permission from Ryan Frederick.

from MarriedPeople Couples http://ift.tt/1S5u49I
via IFTTT

Technology Tip : Create Space for Conversation

Jon Acuff continues his series of Technology Tips to help parents raise technologically responsible kids. Jon gives you a simple place to start in his week’s tip: Create a space where kids can have conversations about what they are experiencing online. See what happens when you ask your kids this question today: “Have you bumped into anything unexpected online lately?”

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1oGHmOI
via IFTTT

MarriedPeople Spotlight: Spirit Lake Baptist

We have amazing MarriedPeople partner churches. These marriage champions are taking the MarriedPeople resources and doing things that are above and beyond anything we dreamed about.

We want you to meet them. So once a month, we’ll spotlight a different church that is impacting not only the marriages in their church, but in their community. We want you to meet people from churches of all sizes, large and small, in various types of communities, whether urban, rural or suburban, with budgets big and small and volunteers plenty or scarce. Regardless of how different these churches may be from yours, we think you’ll find some relevancy to where you are.

We gave them a list of questions to find out more about their church, their team and their ministry. This month, we would like to introduce you to Carla Floyd at Spirit Lake Baptist in Spirit Lake, Idaho.

Church: Spirit Lake Baptist (Spirit Lake, Idaho)
MarriedPeople champion: Carla Floyd

Size of your church: 130

Approximate number of married couples: 50

Describe the area you are in: Rural, small town

Tell Us About . . . You and Your Team

Our team consists of volunteer staff, my husband Jeff and myself.  We are the encouragers of keeping marriage ministry going!

How did you get involved in marriage ministry? My husband and I were wanting to keep our marriage on track. We knew that being involved in marriage ministry would make that happen.

How many people are on your marriage ministry team (including you)?  Two other couples, six on a regular basis. However, there may be more since we are taking a mission trip February 24-March 11 with five couples to Costa Rica. All our couples have a heart and passion for helping marriages!

How did you recruit your team? We just asked them to help.

What is the demographics of the couples in your church? Young marrieds, retirees, parents with kids, couples without kids. We are multi-generational! Grandparents, parents and now our married kids attend!

Tell Us About . . . How You Use the MarriedPeople Resources and Strategy

What resources do you use from MarriedPeople? Larger Group Experiences, Date Nights, monthly MarriedPeople E-ZINEs, the Married People book

How do you communicate with your couples? Handouts, bulletin, verbal announcements during service, emails, church website, social media

Do you encourage/invite couples from the community to your marriage events? How? Yes, we try to! Mainly through word of mouth.

What has been one really great thing that has come from using MarriedPeople resources? No matter how goofy or unprepared we sometimes are, everyone says our events are fun and they really like them!

What has been your biggest success so far? Just the fact that we were able to do two events in 2015 was a success!

What has been your biggest challenge? Scheduling so everyone can come.

Share with us one way you took the MarriedPeople resources and customized them to fit your church. We started out with One-Night events. We love the plug and play, script, games etc! It makes it so usable! We have a small budget and this allows us to have fun!

What’s your dream to happen next? To see couples grow in relationships, having fun! To get quarterly events on the calendar and not have conflicts. And to get our community people involved!

If MarriedPeople could equip you with one resource, what would it be? Childcare event ideas. Because we are rural, we have childcare on site. If we had a schedule with some ideas for games, a devotion or story that could go along with the topic that would be so much help for our kids time.

Thanks, Carla, and the awesome team impacting marriages in Spirit Lake, Idaho!

from MarriedPeople Couples http://ift.tt/1Q8fCZX
via IFTTT

Cooperation Starts at Home

How often as parents do we hear ourselves saying, “Just work together. Can’t you cooperate?” Sometimes we want to pull our hair out wondering if our kids will ever cooperate. And in those calm, introspective moments as a parent (we have those, right?), we have to ask ourselves, “Do I cooperate? Is this something I model for my kids?”

See, as much as I’m an extrovert and love being around people, I’ve never really enjoyed team projects.
You know, the ones in school where inevitably ONE PERSON does the project and EVERYONE ELSE takes the credit?

Yeah.
The worst.

So when it comes to projects at work or the home—no matter how monstrous—I often would rather just dig in and finish the task myself.

Take painting our home for example.

My wife and I had it all planned out:
Kids binge-watch Netflix.
We paint the living room.

But then we heard the question:
“Can we help?”

I wanted to quick yell, “NO! Go watch TV!”

I knew what kids helping us paint meant:
Stopping and starting
Cleaning up spills
Wiping paint drips off the floor and trim
Maybe even repainting what they painted.
In short: MORE WORK.

But my wife is wiser than me, more patient than me, and generally more rational and full of common sense. She knows the kids should help us.  

She gets the kids all set up to help us paint.
I assign them walls that will be covered by furniture.

They’re painting.
And loving it.
And talking about how great it is to paint OUR new home…
Together.

In that moment, I learned something about cooperation. See we talk about cooperation as “working together to do more than you can do alone.”

For our kids, painting the living room was not simply about painting the room. Painting the living room was about participating with us in something so much larger than just slapping some paint on the walls. Our kids were helping us build our home. Together we were building our home — not brick and mortar, but memories and ownership and life and love and laughter.

In life, we soon realize that we can’t do life alone. We’re going to need to work with people on school projects, sports teams, dance troops, and, yes, even building a home. Why shouldn’t we invite kids to cooperate with us? Why shouldn’t our family be the place where kids get their first taste of what it means to work together?

---

Why shouldn’t family be the place kids get their first taste of what it means to work together?
Click To Tweet

---

Cooperation creates mutual ownership.

When kids cooperate in basic upkeep around the house, it’s not just the place they live, it’s the place they help build. This could be as simple as letting them decorate their own rooms, choose the paint colors and the bed sheets. Sure, their style may not be your style, but allowing them the freedom to choose how their room looks will influence how well they take care of their stuff.

Cooperation opens natural learning opportunities.

As hard as it was for me to let my kids paint, they soon got the hang of it. My oldest is now a great painter and has even mentioned how he could make a side job out of it someday. As we invite our kids to cook meals with us, they’re learning knife skills, cooking temperatures, and how to pair flavors together. When we work together in our homes, kids learn basic life skills that will prepare them to build their own life when it’s time for them to leave the nest.

Cooperation teaches dependence on others.

Let’s face it. We can’t get through life on our own. We need people who we can trust to help us complete the tasks bigger than ourselves. We need people around us who excel in the areas we struggle. And the job is often easier if simply have people encouraging us on the sidelines to continue. We need people. Our kids can learn about who they can trust and how to depend on others as they cooperate with us in our homes.

As we help our kids participate through cooperation in our homes, they will begin to discover that building something with other people can be more fun and exciting than what they can build alone.

What can your family do to work together and demonstrate the power of cooperation in your lives? Let us know in the comments below!

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1oX6OPV
via IFTTT

It’s Tough Raising Little Humans

“It’s tough raising little humans.”

This is what my husband and I tell each other on a fairly regular basis. Granted, we haven’t had experiences raising any other kind of species, but in our limited experience, humans seem particularly challenging.

Because it’s the actual raising of kids that shows just how much normal social behavior is learned and taught and not simply inherited.

We say it after we correct one little boy on the dangers of wrestling his brother to the ground by the neck.

We say it after our other little boy tackles a friend from by behind as his way of saying, “Hi”.

We say it after innocent roughhousing ends up in bleeding scratches due to fingernails used as weapons.

We say it after explaining why stuffing your mouth with as much food as possible and then laughing hysterically is not a good idea —for you or the people around you who get sprayed with the contents of your mouth.

We say it because it’s true. Because childrearing, on the most basic level, is the art of teaching civility. But it’s also about preparing kids for adulthood. So yes, there are the basics—like, bodily noises should not be directed towards people. But also, there are nuanced things.

---

Childrearing, on the most basic level, is the art of teaching civility.
Click To Tweet

---

Like, teaching kids to look an adult in the eye when they are talking to them.
Like, telling them that interrupting is rude.
Like encouraging them to learn to do their “have to’s”—such getting dressed, putting their shoes on, getting their backpack ready for school—before doing their “want to’s”—playing with Legos—Every. Waking. Moment.

And in all of it, it’s a dance. Because let’s be honest, there are days when the ground that needs to be covered to get my boys to the place where they can function as healthy and sociable adults seems too much for a single lifetime. And days when the sound of my voice correcting them gets annoying even to me. Sure, we have a great goal to shoot for, but in the meantime, we are all driving ourselves a little crazy.

So how do we manage the dance?

There are a few verses in the Bible that talk about this relationship between parents and children. Some we may have heard and despised as kids, but love now that we are parents. “Honor your father and mother.” It’s a big command—big enough to be included in the top ten. In addition to referencing that one about how kids should treat their parents, Paul also writes in his letters about how parents should relate to their kids.

Colossians 3:21 says, Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

And Ephesians 6:4 says, Fathers, do not exasperate your children…

Paul was going against a cultural norm at the time that didn’t value children nearly as much as we do now. He wanted to make sure those receiving his letters treated their kids with the worth they inherently had, placing as much importance on children obeying their parents as the way parents raised their kids.

When Paul says the words “embitter” and “exasperate,” he’s using words that mean provoke, or stir up. In other words, yes, it’s important to parent with an end in mind—to raise fully functional adults. But it’s also important to parent with a mode in mind—one that encourages and builds our kids up. In other words, we should be careful we aren’t parenting towards an admirable goal but doing it in an un-admirable way.

For me, I have a lot to learn. I have to make sure I’m not just teaching the behavior I want from my kids while compromising the relationship I want with them because of my tone, my posture, and my emotion.

Basically, I want my kids to know I’m for them—by encouraging them to become the best version of themselves—but not lose them in the process because I couldn’t champion them in the process.

So, yes, I’ll work on keeping their growling in other’s people’s faces to a minimum. But I’ll do it with less exasperation and frustration. And more laughter. And once we’ve raised these little humans who sometimes act like wild animals, I’m counting on being able to look back on these days thankful we raised civil human beings—and kept our relationship with them in the process..

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1QqiCzZ
via IFTTT

A Perfect Life . . . For Me

by Nancy Squires

One week from today, I will set off on a trip of a lifetime. I am going to Italy!
My husband is taking me to Italy. Yes, he is taking me.

He . . .
planned it.
took care of the finances.
took care of all my concerns about traveling overseas.
was even wise enough to surprise me a month ago with the trip. (I am a planner and surprising me any later would not have been within my comfort zone.)

He has made a lifetime dream come true for both of us—a goal, a dream, we wrote down 25 years ago as we planned out our life together. Yes, we are celebrating our 25th Wedding Anniversary.

Wow, 25 years! I have shared half my life with this man. (No calculating allowed!) A life that—as a little girl dreaming about her wedding and future husband—I never could have imagined.

Fairy tale life? Far from it.
Perfect life for me? Absolutely.
God knew what He was doing!

God knew the man that was perfect for me. He knew the man I would need. Only God knew where the journey would take me, the faith lessons that He wanted me to learn. God has orchestrated a perfect life for me and I am so grateful. A life that, while not perfect, is perfect for me.

I’m grateful that . . .
God brought my hubby into my life.
God is the center of our lives (personally and as a couple).
God bonded us together for a lifetime.

Too sappy? Well, let me assure you and bring some reality into the picture. This journey of 25 years of marriage has not been easy. It has been riddled with family conflict, prodigal children, health issues (mental and physical), many moves, job layoffs, deaths and many more trials.

In fact, at one point in our marriage, we both agreed that a divorce was the best thing for everyone. Yes, a divorce. We were seeking out lawyers until someone said, STOP and BREATHE.

It was at that point that we discovered HOPE in our marriage. We discovered HOPE in God’s plan. Hope that God could do miracles. Hope that God wanted more for us— both personally and as a couple. Hope that no matter the outcome, no matter the situation, God had us. He knew the journey He wanted to take us on. He knew the journey that we needed to go on to discover HIM.
Yes, discover HIM!

God has used my marriage to draw me closer to Him and to show Himself to me in ways that I never could have imagined. The journey of marriage has had its peaks and its valleys. Life’s journey will have its peaks and its valleys. Those look different for all. But all journeys have one thing in common—yhey are orchestrated by God.

So, as I reflect on and celebrate the past 25 years with my amazing husband, I want to also make sure I reflect on the journey with gratitude for what my Heavenly Father has done both in my life and in our lives together.

 

 

Nancy Squires is the Orange Specialist for MarriedPeople, helping churches all over the world be strategic in how they help marriages. Nancy and her husband, James, have been married for 25 years and have four children.

from MarriedPeople Couples http://ift.tt/24edtFx
via IFTTT

What Your Kid Isn’t Telling You

I was cutting out paper hearts with my four-year-old at the kitchen counter when it happened.

You can imagine: craft paper spread out around us, Elmer’s glue, the class roster, all the essentials for making valentines to give to each friend in her preschool class.  Hensley, unlike some girls her age, has never shown any particular interest in boys. She reads, imagines, draws, dresses up, and plays with boys and girls alike. I guess secretly I liked that she seemed silent on the idea of romance. She is four, let’s not rush it.

But then she gave herself away.

“Mama, when we make valentines, can we make Caleb’s first?”
It was subtle. No eye contact.

Okay. I thought. I’ll let it slide. I’ve never heard her talk about Caleb. Maybe it was a fluke.

“So, let’s make Caleb’s first. How do you spell Caleb? This one is for Caleb, right?”
Okay. It’s not a fluke.

In an instant, I realized I was “that parent.” The one who was shockingly out of touch with my own child.  (Also, don’t worry. I changed the little boy’s name in question – that would be embarrassing).

My daughter is only four. But I see now how easily it happens. As a volunteer with high schoolers, I always wondered how parents could miss it. But this is it.

There is a natural tendency to make assumptions about our children’s silence.

Maybe we think they aren’t interested in romance.
Maybe we think they aren’t affected by a move.
Maybe we think they don’t notice our stress level.

But just because our kids aren’t talking about something
doesn’t mean it isn’t real to them.

That’s why, as parents we have to become skilled at listening to the silence. Sure, we will miss some things along the way. No one is a perfect mind-reader. But it will help if we remember this:

Kids are people.
They feel all the things people feel.

They feel fear. They feel anxiety. They feel desire. They feel excitement. When we assume our kids aren’t experiencing these emotions, we can unknowingly send a signal that feeling these things is a bad thing. Maybe another way to say it is this: When we don’t talk about the things they don’t talk about, we communicate some things are unspeakable.

Kids, teenagers…people need a safe place to talk through what they feel. In the case of my four-year-old daughter, the unspoken was a simple confession of interest. There was no need to make an elaborate moment out of the situation. We didn’t make “Caleb” a special valentine. I won’t begin calling him her boyfriend or ask if they want to get married. Honestly, I’m not even sure if my response in that moment was the right one. (I was pretty caught off guard). But if I’m going to get better at listening to what’s not being said, I think I need to work on a few things as a parent.

I want to be better at imagining what they might be feeling.
I want to open the door for them to talk about things they might not know how to bring up on their own.
I want to respond to clues about their emotions by giving them a safe place to talk.

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1Szsspt
via IFTTT

It’s Just A Phase So Don’t Miss It [Video]

Kids grow up fast. If we aren’t paying attention we can miss it. That’s why we started a project called “It’s Just a Phase.” We don’t want adults to miss the distinctive opportunities that are present at every phase of a kid’s life. We created this video as an illustration for parents, grandparents, educators, mentors, and anyone who influences kids and teenagers. It’s a way to say, “Pay attention. Time is moving forward. So be present. Show up for the kids and teenagers in your home and community. They will not be children forever. What you do for them in the phase they’re in now can give them a better future.”

For more information about The Phase Project, visit our website www.justaphase.com.

© 2015 The reThink Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1PWAs1I
via IFTTT

Tiny Crazy Mouths

It’s February.

The holidays are over. All [most] of the Christmas decorations are packed away. The family goals for the New Year are written on the back of a Chik-Fil-A napkin and taped to the fridge…and for about 15 minutes, I get to sit on the sofa and overdose on Netflix and caramel popcorn.

I’m debating whether or not I should watch that morally questionable reality show everyone loves when it hits me – it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Then there’s Easter. Spring Break. Family vacation. Church camp. A new school year. Thanksgiving. And. Yup. Christmas. It’s almost Christmas again.

This literally happened to me about a week ago. I dragged myself off the sofa, washed the shame/caramel off my face, and went to Target where I bought Lilah’s and Ezzy’s (my 3-year-old) class Valentines.

The girls got home and got started right away. I think I had walked two steps when it started:

“Maaaamaaaaa, Ezzy is just doing scribbles on her Valentines!”
“Maaaamaaaaa, Lilah won’t let me use her markers!”
“Ezzzzyyyyyy, your paper is in my way!”
“Mama, Lilah yelled at me!”

I tried to sneak upstairs, but they saw me. But, I mean, what could I say?

“Be nice to your sister.”
“I’ll put you in time out/spank you/take away screen time if you don’t stop arguing!”
“Nobody likes a tattle-tale.”
“Shut. Your. Tiny. Crazy. Mouths!!”

I’ve tried many of these strategies (except the last one, of course). But, inevitably, the next toy, game, or project, they spend more time complaining about each other than they do playing.

Recently, I’ve decided to do something different when my girls argue or tattle. I stole the idea from my 4th grade teacher, Ms. Whaley. It’s called “The Tattle Sheet.”

In my house, the “Tattle Sheet” is a piece of construction paper taped to the wall. On one side is Lilah’s name, and on the other side is Ezzy’s name. Whenever they want to tattle, I send them to the tattle sheet.  Lilah writes a sentence under her name, Ezzy took my pencil. And Ezzy (who can’t write—dang it—should have done those flashcards from the infomercial) just puts a check.

Each night before we play our pre-bedtime games, we walk over to the tattle sheet. I say, “We have twenty minutes to play starting now. We can waste that time with the tattle sheet, or we can hug each other right now, say we’re sorry, and start playing right away.”

Nine times out of ten, they forget what they wanted to tattle about to begin with.

TATTLE SHEET FOR THE WIN!

Disclaimer #1: This isn’t a cure-all—they still argue and complain. But it’s definitely decreased by half.

Disclaimer #2: Not all tattles should be saved for the tattle sheet. Things like, “Ezzy has the sharp scissors and she’s trying to stab me with them” should be addressed ASAP.

What about you? How do you manage the tiny crazy mouths in your house?

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1QvUHPV
via IFTTT

Finding Your Fun US

by Tim Walker

What’s unique about your US?
By your US, I mean you and your spouse.
Because if you really think about it, you’re a little different, aren’t you?

You’re not a clone of other couples you know.
Sure, you have some similarities, but there’s just something different about the two of you together.
The things you like or don’t like.
The things you like to do or don’t do.
The way you both see the world.
The things you both think are funny, or not.

Not sure what I’m talking about?
Ever been at a party and you both look at each other with that knowing glance?
No words had to be exchanged. You knew what each other was thinking.
You’re not superheroes.
You just get each other. Your US is unique.

Breathe. You don’t have to be like everyone else. So quit buying into the images culture throws out.

You don’t have to ride a tandem bike.
You know you both would have some serious injuries if you tried.

Or make out on the beach with the waves rushing in.
Do you really want to be covered in sand and seaweed?

You’re not going to sit in two bathtubs on the lawn looking into a sunset.

You know what you both enjoy.
Maybe it’s a day at the spa or maybe it’s a Monster Truck rally.
Maybe it’s a hiking trip or maybe it’s going to your favorite diner.
Maybe it’s watching a movie or maybe it’s remodeling a house.

You have your own way of doing things. Ways that make sense to the two of you.
God made you both unique, and He brought the two of you together.
Enjoy it.
Have fun.

That doesn’t mean you don’t try something new. Or occasionally venture out of your comfort zone. After all, exploring is part of your unique us.

But if the two of you never want to skydive or ride horseback on a beach, or if you do, that’s fine.

You know your US.
Enjoy it.
Have fun.

And keep giving each other those knowing glances.

 

Tim Walker is an editor on the MarriedPeople team.

from MarriedPeople Couples http://ift.tt/1o5L03E
via IFTTT

When Your Daughter Asks “Do I Look Fat?”

Do I look fat?

My mother probably heard that phrase more times than she could count. Every other thought in my head as a nine-year-old was about my image. My first diet happened at that age. At age ten, I was called fat at a pool party. I can vividly remember the embarrassment from being weighed at school during PE in the fifth grade. For the love, why do schools do that? I’ve heard it said that children determine their worldview—how they see the world—by the age of nine. All of those moments for me were the foundation on which the next decade would build on.

And raising daughters now, I completely understand the fear that parents carry when it comes to this subject. We fear that we will cause them to have a poor body image or better yet someone else will cause them to have a poor body image. The reality is that we cannot shield our girls from everything in life, but we can control what they hear from us as parents.

---

We can’t shield our kids from everything in life, but we can control what they hear from us..
Click To Tweet

---

Here are a few steps that may be helpful as you navigate this with your daughter.

Affirm where her worth comes from.

As your daughter enters into the tween phase and beyond, she is seeking to figure who she is and where she belongs. You combine that with the fact that bodies are changing and you have a recipe for problems with self-image. Many kids at that age look to their peers to define their worth. Peers change. Their opinions change. Trends change. Their worth is tied to what other’s think and those people change so goes your worth. You have the opportunity to be the voice in their head reminding them that their worth is tied to Someone who doesn’t change. She has value because she was made in the image of God. She was fearfully and wonderfully made. Even though she may roll her eyes at you or seem to not hear the words coming out of your mouth, continue to speak the truth over her.

Highlight other qualities in her.

…in addition to her physical appearance. Ignoring her outward appearance will likely cause her to question her worth more, but highlight things that are unique to her. Is she stylish? Is she funny? Does she love to read or build things? Does she love to create? Is she a great team player? Is she quick to notice the needs to others? Highlight those qualities about her in order to reinforce to her (without saying it explicitly) that she has so much to contribute to this world beyond her physical appearance.

Push her to look outside of herself.

Focusing on yourself and obsessing about your looks is just that—selfish. It is hard for kids to see beyond themselves, even adults don’t do this naturally. In moments where obsession rises, create opportunities to shift her focus. This can be as simple as suggesting that she pray for someone else every time the obsessive thought enters her mind. Or maybe it’s giving her the opportunity to do something significant on a weekly basis like volunteering. Giving her opportunities to not elevate the thoughts towards herself will help change her thinking.

It is scary letting your daughters grow up. I would give all I had if it meant my daughters wouldn’t struggle like I did. They may still struggle no matter how much I do. When I finally starting believing truth after more than ten years of struggling, my mom asked me why I didn’t believe her all those years when she spoke the truth to me. And honestly, I didn’t have an answer. I don’t know why I chose to believe lies or why I valued what others said about me more than her, but I do know that God used that part of my life to shape me and to minister to others from a more real and tender place. That struggle wasn’t wasted. That struggle is part of the story God was writing on my life and has enabled me to use that as part of His story. So because of that, I have to trust that if my girls struggle, God is big enough to work in their lives and hearts like He did mine.

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1LgygMW
via IFTTT

There Will Be Jerks: Help Your Kids Navigate Bullying before It Gets Bad

My oldest daughter is now in middle school.

That is awesome and also a little scary. The reason it’s scary is that we’ve started to enter the waters of social media. I thought I’d have a little more time before the waves got so choppy and confusing, but I was wrong.

Recently, my daughter told me that people at her school had created “couple accounts” on Instagram. The owners of the accounts find photos that other students have posted. Then they put the photos together, showing one guy and one girl. The caption asks, “Would these two make a good couple?”

As you can imagine, the comments become a shark tank within seconds. Students end up saying things like, “No, she’s way too ugly for him” or “No, he’s not cool enough for her.”

I guess I thought bullying would be more straight forward. In my head, I imagined a Goliath-sized 7th grader taking my kid’s lunch money on the playground. The digital world plays by different rules, though. The bullying can happen in more directions than you’re anticipating. So how do you stay ahead of it?

A simple way to expose that your kid is being bullied is just to ask them. I ask my kids all the time, “Have you bumped into any jerks lately?” I know I can’t wait for them to be brave enough to tell me someone bothered them on their own. I can’t wait around for them to find their voice or for it to be bad enough for me to notice.

It’s my job as a parent to ask the questions. It’s my job to invest in their lives. It’s my job to start the conversations.

It’s a small question and your kids might not even tell you the truth the first time you ask it. It might take time to get them to open up, but do your best to create a space where they can.

They still might get physically pushed down on the playground, but more than likely the bullying they’ll experience will be digital. Find out as fast as you can by asking simple questions consistently.

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1K8tZQF
via IFTTT

Learning How to Have Fun Again

by Amanda Maguire

This is the first school year that all three of our kids are in school ALLLLLLLLL day! Hooray!! It felt as if this day would never come. It did! So bring on some SERIOUS FUN!!

My husband being a pastor doesn’t have the weekends off like most dads, so Mondays are his day of rest and play.

Now that the kids are in school all day, we have a good chunk of time on Mondays to go to the beach (we live in California), go to Disneyland, take walks, bike rides, go to movies, run around the house naked, frolic in the meadow, or even just snuggle in front of the fireplace. Fun city all day long!

However, since September our serious day of fun has looked more like, grocery shopping, Target runs, fixing bathrooms, taking care of a sick kid, yard work, house work, car work . . . and all with our clothes ON! After 16 years of marriage we are face to face with the fact that maybe we don’t remember how to have serious fun together.

We clearly are still on the learning track on this fun business, but have had some great marriage breakthroughs as we push through this season. There are two things that have helped us get on the right road to fun.

#1 Get out of the house. I’ve learned that we have to get out of the house to have some serious fun. We both have to be away from all the distractions that can all get done at a different time.

As a mom, it’s hard to turn off my brain around the house. Sometimes stuff just has to get done, am I right? But what we are finding is that serious fun is serious business.

When Jeff and I place value on our fun time together, we laugh and connect and remember how much we like each other. We are better for each other and our kids. My kids love to hear about our date day and what we did together. I know it gives them a sense of security and comfort knowing that dad and I really love each other and like being around each other. I also believe it sets an example for them on what they should expect from their future spouse.

So when something comes up during our fun time it is worth it to keep it sacred. I have to let it go, plan for that thing to get done on a different day during a different time.  It’s also good to be away so that we are different for other people to get ahold of us so that we can be alone. We love our friends and family dearly but we can’t connect and talk the same way with each other when other people are around.

#2 Accountability. I have a safe group of women that I meet with weekly and we keep each other accountable in marriage. Each week I know I am going to have to answer four questions about my marriage and they will be all up in my grill (in the most loving way) if these things in my marriage are neglected.

1. When is the last time you had sex with your husband?
2. When is the last time you had a meaningful conversation with your husband?
3. When is the last time you laughed with your husband?
4. When is the last time you had fun with your husband?

There really is a recipe for a good marriage and a recipe for disaster in a marriage. If any of these things—including serious fun—is neglected, apathy, resentment, feelings of worthlessness and loneliness can set in. And your husband or wife may begin to search for what’s missing somewhere else. It’s time to take fun serious. I challenge you to ask yourself those four questions honestly and weekly.

Don’t miss the fun! Fight for fun—it’s serious business.

 

Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor for 12 years and now the lead pastor of a church for the past 3 years. (It’s the same guy!) They are raising a family with three kids. Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!

from MarriedPeople Couples http://ift.tt/1T27TlB
via IFTTT

How to Respond When Your Child Asks You Questions You Can’t Answer

So your eight-year-old comes up to you and asks, “Dad, how do we know there’s a God?”

And you . . . freeze.

You say something like “Because I believe there’s a God,” or “We just know,” or “Because there is,” or “Because the Bible says God exists.”

Then your eight-year-old does what every eight-year-old does: he asks you another question.

A tough one. Like Why?

The little-kid routine of asking why seventeen times in a row can really expose how little you know as an adult.

Then, in your mind, you fast forward five years, and your 13-year-old is asking about dinosaurs, the Big Bang, and Confucius, and you start to have a nervous breakdown.

So, how do you respond?

Here are five principles that have helped me navigate faith and questions not only from my kids but also from my experience as a pastor of a local church:

1. Don’t assume curiosity is skepticism.

One of the impulses every Christian parent feels is that questions automatically lead to disbelief.

No, they don’t. Not automatically.

Actually, great questions can lead to deeper belief.

But it’s just way too easy to assume that curiosity is skepticism.

Curiosity is not skepticism. It’s curiosity.

---

“Curiosity is not skepticism. It’s curiosity.” @cnieuwhof
Click To Tweet

---

2. Don’t dismiss the question with trite answers.

One of the worst things you can do is answer any faith question with a simplistic answer like, “Well, we just have to believe,” or “Because it’s true.”

I’ve done that before. Not helpful.

Your eight-year-old suspects two things when you answer that way:

Christianity doesn’t stand up to questions or advanced thinking.
There are actually no answers to his question.

Both are mistakes.

3. Don’t over-answer the question.

An equally bad response is to show up the next day with a dozen theology textbooks and a scheduled Skype interview with one of the world’s foremost Old Testament professors.

That’s a bit of overkill for your eight-year-old or even your teenager.

So, what should you do?

Answer the question at the level the questioner is asking it.

Your daughter may just want to know that you believe, and an honest, “You know honey, there are a lot of reasons to believe in God—I’ve experienced Him myself, personally…and that’s one of the reasons I believe,” might be a great response.

Your daughter might just say, “Thanks.” Or she might ask another question, which you could then answer.

In the teen years, you might do a Bible or book study together.

Don’t under-answer a question, or over-answer it.

---

“Don’t under-answer a question, or over-answer it.” @cnieuwhof
Click To Tweet

---

4. Don’t assume answers will satisfy the questioner.

I have a seminary degree. And a law degree. I can research things half decently. And I’m an okay preacher.

I’ve done sermons where I have researched my head off and preached my heart out on the subject of why a good God allows bad things to happen, only to have someone ask me a few days later “So…why do you think God allows bad things to happen?”

In those moments, I want to scream.

But those moments teach me something.

Often, people aren’t actually looking for an intellectual answer.

Instead, their question is coming out of their personal story.

So, flip the conversation. Question the questioner as Ravi Zacharias says.

Ask them why they ask.

The person asking the question might tell you his wife is sick and they can’t find a cure.

Or your third-grader son might say, “I want to know why that one kid in our class gets picked on all the time.”

Then go have a conversation about that.

5. Make your home a great place to raise doubts.

Remember that your kids will eventually have doubts.

Why?

Because you do. Because I do. Because we all do.

Faith is not the absence of doubts. It’s the presence of belief in the midst of doubt.

In her research, Dr. Kara Powell has discovered that the biggest reason kids who grew up in the church is not doubt. It’s unexpressed doubt.

If you make your home a place where questions aren’t welcome, your kids are going to take their questions elsewhere.

And where will they take them? Probably to a place that won’t give them the answers you’re hoping for.

---

Faith is not the absence of doubts. It’s the presence of belief in the midst of doubt.
Click To Tweet

---

So, decide ahead of time as a parent that you won’t freak out when your kid questions you and questions God. Or your teenager tells you that Christianity isn’t different than any other religion.

Thank them for the question. Explore it with them. Ask them questions. And reach out to a wider circle of influence that can help them process what they’re going through.

Make your home a safe place where doubts can be expressed. You just might foster belief as a result.

Those are five things that have helped me navigate the tension every parent and every church leader feels.

What’s helped you? Let us know in the comments below!

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/20GiJz5
via IFTTT

Last Minute Tips for Your Big Event

by Todd Graham

Hey church leader, so you’re planning something awesome for the couples in your church this Valentine’s season. You wanted to do something that will make a great memory, seriously invest into marriages and get wide-eyed husbands off the proverbial “hook.” Now you’re days away from making it happen.

It can feel intimidating to pull off your first big one-night event (also called larger group experiences in the MarriedPeople world), so here are a couple of tips to host a big night of AMAZING.

• Yes You Can. You can do this. Stop the self-doubt and open up the “Start Here” page in the Married People Larger Group entitled “Fun With” because what couple doesn’t need a little fun in their lives? Everything you need is in the Married People Strategy Pack for you, from the step-by-step flow, games, slides, videos and the main talking points for an engaging evening.Don’t have anyone to do the talk, or you just found out your communicator has the flu? You’re covered here too—the video file with the main teaching is included.
• Make It Fun. Talking about marriage shouldn’t be boring. It needs to be fun. Everything about a Married People one-night event screams I LOVE LAUGHING WITH YOU. They are meant to remind couples how enjoyable married life can be.
• Make It Personal. Don’t forget the camera! Be sure to take pictures of each couple with their valentine. Set up a fun photo booth or backdrop, then either email them to each couple to remind them what a great night it was or even better, have a printer on site to print them out right then and there to send home with them!
• Chill on the Decorations. One of the best things about a Married People one-night event is that they are designed to be man and woman friendly. No lace, no flowers and no touchy feely allowed. Traditionally, guys don’t like to go to marriage conferences because they are too uncomfortable. Throw out some Nerf footballs, a board game or two, some playing cards (maybe just the hearts) or power tools for center pieces—you are good to go!“What about the ladies?” you ask. Show me the husband who wants to go back to a marriage gathering and I’ll show you a wife that loved it twice as much.

Every one-night event has everything you need in step-by-step directions to put the amazing back into the marriages at your church. The couples at your church will thank you for it.

Note: MarriedPeople one-night events are available in Strategy Pack, or sold individually in the Orange Store.

 

Todd Graham is the Minister to Children & Families at Oceanview Baptist Church in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, and a MarriedPeople advocate and FANBOY. He is married to his best friend Trina and has 3 amazing kids.

from MarriedPeople Couples http://ift.tt/1KTJqqP
via IFTTT

Remember What You’re Fighting For [Podcast]

Sherry Surratt (CEO and President of MOPS international), Reggie Joiner, and Kristen Ivy offer encouragement to parents of all ages by giving practical ways to survive difficult moments and thrive in others. Keeping the end goal in mind will help parents remember what they are fighting for now: raising adults who love life, God, and others.

Listen to Parent Cue Live

The Parent Cue Live podcast is available on iTunes. Click here to subscribe and get each episode automatically.

To listen to this episode, click the player below. If you’re reading this via email or RSS, please click here.

Highlights

In this episode, Sherry, Kristen, and Reggie discussed:

• avoiding parenting according to popular opinion
• developing a plumb line for your family to stick to
• challenges facing parents of preschoolers
• the striking similarities between preschoolers and middle schoolers
• challenges facing parents of middle schoolers
• the importance of community, for yourself and your kids
• the purpose of parenting

Quotes

---

Parenting is such a huge job. You can’t afford to do it alone. – @sherrysurratt
Click To Tweet

---

---

Middle schoolers are just bigger preschoolers. – @Kristen_Ivy
Click To Tweet

---

---

Parents need other adults in the lives of their kids who are saying the same things they are.
Click To Tweet

---

---

You are not raising kids. You are raising adults. – @reggiejoiner
Click To Tweet

---

Episode Links

• Sherry on Twitter: @sherrysurratt
• Reggie on Twitter: @reggiejoiner
• Kristen on Twitter: @Kristen_Ivy
• The Phase Project

Parent Cue

• Twitter: @theparentcue
• Instagram: @parentcue
• Facebook: fb.com/parentcue
• Pinterest: Parent Cue

Did you find this helpful? Help us spread the word!

Hopefully, this episode has helped you find a few practical ways to “do family better.” If you appreciated it, we would love if you would rate the podcast in iTunes and leave us a review! Your rating and review help get the podcast in front of new parents and listeners. You can also click the buttons below to share this episode on your own social media channels. Thank you for listening!

from Parent Cue http://ift.tt/1VCmthm
via IFTTT

Listening For Life (Part five)

The Holy Spirit will always encourage the believer to "draw near" to God the Father. When "we incline our ear to the Lord we will live" (Is 55:3) Jesus describes this idea as "abiding", that is having community and connection with the source of life through Himself. In John 15:1-8 it is clear that the life and fruitfulness of the  believer is directly linked to abiding in Christ. In fact the promises of God are realised when we abide in Him and when we understand that He abides in us. The Holy Spirit will always encourage and help the believer become the bearer of "much fruit".


The passage on abiding in the Vine, highlights the processes that are designed to grow the believer so that he will bear fruit. if the 'branch', bears no fruit, He will not destroy it but He will lift it up, clean it up and tie it up. This is what a viticulturalist will do with the leaves and branches that have fallen on the ground and become dirty. The believer that sins is not discarded. That branch will be lifted up. The process of being 'lifted up' is the process of discipline.  "...God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom the father does not chasten" (Heb.12:7) The believer who sins is lifted up. John writes "and if anyone sins we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous..." (1 John 2:1) Jesus is your Advocate, not your accuser. Listen for the voice of the Advocate. Godly discipline is motivated by love whereas punishment is motivated by fear. Godly discipline will shape us to embrace the future that is promising whereas punishment reminds us of a broken past. The purpose of discipline is that we can produce fruit that will bring glory to God.


"...every branch that bears fruit, He prunes that it may bear more fruit". (John 15:2b) The Holy Spirit will speak to the believer so that he can become a greater producer of Godly fruit. Pruning is good because it will cause us to focus on less so that more can grow. Less is more! Martha was consumed with doing much but was missing the main thing! (Luke 10:38-42) Don't be afraid to ask the Holy Spirit to show you what He wants you to do or not do during 2016. By the way He will never ask you to do more without resourcing you and also giving you wisdom to also drop off other things  The branches of the vine need to be pruned so that the grapes will flourish. Make sure that your energies are directed so that you will bear much fruit. I have a view that to go narrow but deep is better than being spread so thin that our effectiveness is dissipated.


There is another level of pruning that perhaps speaks of internal values more than external activities. This pruning is to do with developing trust in God to be our sole source of significance, value and identity. Paul said "yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish that I may gain Christ..." (Phil. 3:8) This level of processing involves surrendering not just the bad (which is relatively easy) but the good. The goal is to know His glory so that "you may also be glad with exceeding joy" (1 Peter 4:12-13) Suffering can produce this joy. Contented people have often grown through suffering. They often become bearers of much fruit!












This blog is based on a message by Ross Smith at The Vine, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 31st Jan. 2016. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.