Honour in the City

There are times when we may well be displeased with decisions and/or processes associated with civic authorities. In Australia, it can at times be like a national pastime to 'have a go' at those who represent the establishment. Yet the Bible teaches that we are "to render to all their due: taxes to whom taxes are due...fear to whom fear, honour to whom honour." (Rom.13:7)

 Peter writes that we are to "honour all people...fear God. Honour the king." (1 Peter 2:17) When we consider that the king that Peter was probably referring to was Herod Agrippa, we can be forgiven for questioning how it would be possible to honour such a bad king. Agrippa had ordered the execution of James and was after Peter's life as well! Yet Peter exhorts the church to honour the king. In Acts 12, we observe how the early church prayed for Peter's welfare. One thing that they did not do was to curse the authorities that were over them. In fact they did not judge the authorities as wicked as they were. Instead they they made room for God to move. This is what grace will do. When we pray but refuse to judge, we are making room for God to move. Yes, Peter was released from prison and Agrippa was judged but by God. When the church honour the civic authorities, it makes room for divine intervention to happen.

Interestingly the Biblical examples of honouring authorities were in the context of handling either bad rulers or being captive to those authorities. Nehemiah was one such example. Whilst serving Artaxerxes as a trusted confidante, he was given favour to return to Jerusalem to oversight the rebuilding of the walls and the city gates. Nehemiah led the charge , not against authorities but by assuming responsibility for what the Jews has failed to do. He repented for the state of his people. In so doing it was as if he made room for God to move. The king's heart was softened and favour was given to Nehemiah. The believer makes room when he recognises the finished work of Christ. Grace will be at work when we let Him work as opposed to us making judgements against leaders. Jesus never rebelled against the Roman authorities even though certain parties suggested insurrection. He even paid his taxes and on one occasion paid taxes for his disciples as well.

There are times when civil disobedience may occur such as when people are asked to commit evil acts. Moses' mother disobeyed Pharaoh's order to drown her baby son. Obadiah hid 100 prophets from Queen Jezebel who ordered their execution. When believers are told not to speak the name of Jesus and/or are commanded to worship other gods, there is Biblical precedence to refuse to obey. (Acts 4:19; Rev.13:15) By the way in our increasingly politically correct culture, you can always ask someone to tell their story and then you may well earn the right to tell your story or should I say His story.






This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on Sunday 21st August. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

Honour in the Workplace

A vital key to healthy relationships is the practice of honour between people - at home, at work and in our local community. Honour is the expression of esteem or value that we place upon something or someone. Sadly we often value things more than we do people.

When we know that God is the source of our well being, we will learn to honour people. When we know that God is with us, we will begin to experience favour. The story of Joseph in Genesis is the story of a man who knew God's favour in the midst of circumstances that seemed to be against him. Yet the Bible says that "the Lord was with Joseph and he was a successful man..." (Gen.39:2) The reason the believer has favour is because God is with him. A long as Joseph was serving in Potiphar's household, the whole household was favoured. Even when he was in prison, he was favoured. Where you work, you can become a vessel of amazing favour. Favour is not about what you do; it is about who is with you!

When you know that your validation comes from and through Christ, you can expect to do well in your place of work. You will be able to serve and work with a sweet attitude as you honour your co-workers and your boss. 1 Tim.6:1 says "let as many as are servants...count their masters worthy of all honour..." We serve with honour when we simply ask ourselves the question, "what can I do to serve you in this place." By the way serving others is proof that our Master is Jesus. We can serve others but in serving others, others are not our master. Only Jesus is the Master. But we serve as if we serve Him.

Honour in the workplace will always uphold integrity. When Mrs Potiphar tried to seduce Joseph, Joseph declared that he would never betray the trust that he had been given by his master. He said, "how can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?" Joseph refused to compromise his own integrity. He paid a price for this because he was falsely accused of rape and was duly imprisoned. Yet the expression of integrity 'in the workplace' opened up doors for his future that he could never imagine possible. "The integrity of the upright shall guide them" (Prov.11:3)

If your boss is treating you unfairly it is best to act and not react. We can act by 'going the extra mile'. Again the principle is that we "serve them sincerely as you would Christ." (Eph.6:5) I have discovered that if favour doesn't begin to happen in the workplace then God will begin to open another door. The work place is your patch. Because you carry His Presence you have authority in the workplace. This has nothing to do with what you do but has everything to do with who you are in Christ!






This blog is based on a message given by Ross Smith at The Vine church, Springwood, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on Sun. 14th August 2016. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

Coaching Friendship

Imagine a parent of a child you know approaching you.

“Can (insert their child’s name) and I speak with you and (insert your child’s name) privately for a minute?”

Maybe this kind of “confrontational” conversation raises your blood pressure? I know it raises mine.

Thoughts spiral and I become anxious:

“What did my child do?”
“How will it affect them?”
“How will it affect me?”

But what if situations like this are the perfect opportunity for us to give something very valuable to our children?

What if the temporary discomfort of having a friendship conversation could lead to a lifelong ability to navigate relationships in a healthy way?

Instead of simply mediating conflict, or avoiding it, we have a chance to coach our kids in lessons of love.

My daughter Mya is all about “friendship benches”—she wrote about it in Kindergarten. She thinks every place should have one. It’s somewhere you can feel “chunterbole” (comfortable) and you don’t have to worry. There’s even a “sign on it so you know it’s there.”

As a parent, you have the opportunity to help your kids sort out their friendships by offering this kind of place where their feelings can be felt, shared. You can be a friendship coach.

So, how do you coach someone you love when they have been hurt or have hurt someone else? What do you say when there is a recurring issue that doesn’t seem to have a solution or resolve? What do you do when the “thing” that happens keeps happening?

The temptation is to remove your child from the situation.

But if instead, you coach your child through the situation, they will learn how to navigate through difficult relational experiences and develop lasting friendships.

If we were looking at a map made by pirates (don’t we always?) you would see on the margins phrases like “Here Be Dragons!” describing the places outside an intended route. It’s a place outside of the comfort zone, the place where danger waits.

Our kids are going to face some friendship dragons, but there’s nothing outside of the comfort zone that you can’t walk through together. You know they’re there, you can warn your kids about them, but there’s also a way through it. You have a developmental map that they don’t have yet and as a parent, you can help them navigate.

Here are a few ways to be a great friendship coach to your kids.

Depending on the phase your child is in, these ideas can become simpler or more complex.

Coach your kid to . . .

• Accept input and open criticism from a friend
  • They don’t have to agree with the situation but be willing to listen and receive new information.
• Be generous with grace and forgiveness. Don’t hold grudges.
  • Have them describe what the other person might be feeling
  • Share some of your own failures together
  • Recount times when someone extended grace to them
• Encourage and comfort, and be open to the comfort of others
  • Make a list of compliments that are sincere
  • Help them learn the value of a well-timed joke (for older kids)
  • Show them what appropriate touch looks like and feels like (hand to shoulder when saying I’m sorry, a hug, a handshake)

As you coach your kid or teenager, the key is being able to have empathy that doesn’t lead to self-protecting entanglement. Healthy empathy creates an environment where advice and coaching can be trusted. When they can look to you and see you listening, and when your body language shows them you’re safe and that you’re open to different solutions, they will trust you.

Let the relational bumps in the road be times and places for your child to grow the ability to love others as they love themselves. It will take time, intentionality, patience, and probably more coffee than you can make in one pot.

But one day, you might wake up to a child telling you that they are working through something with a friend and they have navigated to a place of healing and truth.

And that, my friends, is the win.

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Single and in Marriage Ministry

by Jessica Asbell

I am currently leading the charge in helping our families strengthen their marriages by using the MarriedPeople strategy.
I am actually the Children’s Minister at my church.
And I have never been married.
So it might seem odd that I’m the one implementing the MarriedPeople strategy.

But, I am a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was very small. My mother married my stepfather when I was six, but they divorced when I was twelve. So I know the pain and the issues with trust that come from being a child of divorce.

So when Ted Lowe and Doug Fields spoke about the MarriedPeople strategy and their book, Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last, at the Orange Conference in 2014, it resonated with me. They talked about how the best thing you can do for the children in your ministry is to help keep their parents’ marriages together. This statement may not seem earthshattering, but it blew me away.

As the Children’s Minister, I could actually do something to help the kids in my ministry not have to go through the anger and pain I experienced. So I bought their book and excitedly brought it to our Minister to Young Families. He liked the idea, but it wasn’t the right time.

This year he became our Senior Pastor. I brought up the idea again, and we began implementing the strategy. So far we have partnered the date nights with our Parents’ Night Out, had our first large group event, and done our first small group study.

I’ve heard stories of funny nicknames that were revealed in the large group, and that one couple who’s with each other 24/7 actually didn’t get any of the questions right in their Not So Newlywed game!

Our couples have responded very well to these events and they are having a blast with it. Is it awkward for me that I’m single and doing a marriage strategy? Sometimes.

There are times when I’m not sure where I fit with this: Should I be at the event even though I’m not the target audience, or should I be with the children—since I am the Children’s Minister? But in the end, it’s totally worth it.

Ministry to Children involves their families as well. And if I can help their parents’ marriage, then I am a better minister to those precious kiddos.

 

Jessica Asbell in the Children’s Minster at First Baptist Church Roswell in Roswell, GA.

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Helping Kids Navigate Through Crisis

Kara Powell, PhD, co-author of the Right Click: Parenting Your Teenager In A Digital Media World and executive director of Fuller Youth Institute, joins Reggie Joiner and Kristen Ivy to talk about how to identify the signs your child is struggling and how to respond in an appropriate way. The future of your kids is related to how you help them navigate through crisis.

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Guidance All The Way

One of the amazing achievements of space exploration is the accuracy involved in guidance systems that can 'land a craft'and direct instructions over space and time. God also provides guidance for us - not just for the here and now but for eternity. In fact His guidance for the believer in the finished work of Jesus Christ, is guaranteed all the way into eternity. He has placed eternity in the hearts of people with the intent of preparing us for eternity.

His guidance is about living well as well as dying well. We are often more ready to accept the former but not the latter. Submitting to the sovereign will of God, including matters relating to death, are challenging for us. Peter rebuked Jesus when he heard that Jesus would die. Jesus however addressed Satan saying "...you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men." (Mat. 16:23) Job's wife tempted Job to "Curse God and die" in the face of his apparent torment. But Job responded, "shall we indeed accept good from God and shall we not accept adversity?" (Job 2:10) Adversity may well be part of the sovereign purposes of God for our lives as well. Adversity needs to be framed by eternity. Paul said "to live is Christ; to die is gain". "Death is swallowed up in victory... The sting of death is sin...but thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Cor. 15:57). The sovereign will of God which we cannot change, is always designed to do us good because God is good!

What can we learn from that which we cannot change? How can we frame that which we cannot change? Firstly, accept the things that you cannot change but do take responsibility for the things you can change. You can do a lot "if you swim between the flags". Occupy time with what you can be and do in order to influence others for good. Secondly, learn from the past but don't live in the past. Be thankful for the heritage that you have but determine to become a history maker yourself. Paul encouraged a young Timothy to stand on the shoulders of those who had gone before him and "stir up the gift of God which is in you." (2 Tim. 1:5-6) Thirdly, appreciate the people that are in your life, including the family of God. Be grateful for those who choose to do life with you. Be ready to befriend others. One great way to do this is to offer to listen to someone else's story. Fourthly, reject any thought or suggestion that your life doesn't matter. You matter. Your life matters. God believes in you more than we believe in ourselves. He is for you! Fifthly, keep short accounts with people. Build up the grace bank and starve the bank of bitterness! Don't develop negative thoughts; expose them to the light. Sixthly, learn to laugh at yourself and know that the sun will rise tomorrow! We have all failed but we are never failures!






This blog is based on a message by Ross Smith, The Vine church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia delivered Sunday 31st July 2016. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www. thevine.org.au/teaching

4 Tips to Start off the School Year

Last year, when my oldest started Kindergarten, I learned I had a sort of spilt-personality. It turns out there’s a school year version of myself and a non-school year version. And since parenting and school was a new thing for me, let’s say, the school year version of me wasn’t the best version of myself.

At the time, I was just trying to keep this school ship running and didn’t realize how unpleasant I was. I was getting lunches made, getting people out of bed, getting backpacks ready to go, and getting class snacks sent in—which, incidentally, I did not manage to stay on top of and completely forgot to send snacks on the first morning of my assigned week.

Basically, when it came time for school to start, with very little expectation or understanding, I turned into someone I’m pretty sure the people around me didn’t like that much—someone I didn’t even like all that much.

And then this summer came, and it was bliss. We could sleep in longer, go on vacation, watch movies past bedtime, head to the pool so many nights after dinner that we started to sweat chlorine, get ice cream for no reason, become regulars at the library devouring the books we filled our tote bag with. In other words, we could breathe a little easier because our structure was looser and so were the demands on our time.

And now, here we are, on the brink of school starting again. And I’m not crazy about it. I hate waking up early, making lunches and having to act like I’m in a good mood when I wake up my kids. I hate having to get on them about homework and early bedtimes. I hate the life maintenance that seems to over take our lives back in the routine. But since it’s inevitable, I’m trying to use these next couple of weeks to try and figure out what I can do to make re-entry into the real world better.

Last year, I learned the hard way that this season of school doesn’t exactly come naturally to me. So this year, it’s up to me to go into it with eyes wide open and determine how to make my school year self not be such a stressed-out jerk to everyone who encounters me. Maybe you too could use the tips I’m compiling for myself.

1. Figure out your most stressed out time of the day, and simplify

Maybe that’s the mornings—so, make lunches, pack snacks, and assemble homework the night before.
Maybe it’s bedtime—so get the “have to’s” done earlier. Homework, as soon as they get home. Reading, before dinner.

2. Find a way to connect

At the start of the year, it’s draining on kids to get accustomed to a new teacher, a new routine, who to sit with at lunch, and who to ride the bus home with. They need some normalcy and a sense that life has some consistency. So make an effort to create some intentional time to connect with your kids—one-on-one. Be curious and ask questions like: “What’s the best part of the new year so far? What’s been the most frustrating thing? Is there something you wish was different? What would make tomorrow even better than today?” Be especially intentional to spend unique time with each child. This is the space to make sure the message of, “I love you, I’m paying attention to you, and I want the best start of the year as possible for you” is being communicated.

3. Plan your breaks

In those early weeks of school, the stretch of the school year ahead feels endless. But strategically placed throughout the school calendar are the little reprieves. These few days off here and there are like our Promised Land. Treat those days with intention. You don’t have to go skiing over Winter Break, or take a Disney Cruise over Spring Break to make a break count. Make plans to simply enjoy your kids on those days of less structure.  

4. Go heavy on grace

Change is hard on everyone. For both parents and kids. But we can choose to show a lot of compassion to our kids and ourselves as we work at creating a new normal. No one is doing it perfectly. No one’s morning is seamless. No one is void of emotion or anxiety heading into the start of a new year. So go easy on yourself and the people around you.

Last year, as the school year started for us for the first time, I became profoundly aware of time. Of how fast it all goes. And for that, I was grateful. For as hard as the start of school can be, for as much change it may require of us, for as much as it keeps us on our toes, it is a built-in reminder that our time with our kids is limited. So make it count. Even amid the homework, and school lunches and early rising. Make it count.

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Humility in Marriage

by James Willoughby

I have been married nearly 16 years by the grace of God. About halfway into these 16 years, my marriage nearly ended. Jody and I nearly called it quits and almost became a statistic, further fueling a divorce rate that is growing at an alarming pace.

I’ve never been one to do the ‘expected’ thing though. So instead of taking the easy path, writing each other off and seeking a fresh start, we began a difficult journey.

The road we chose is a painful one. It is fraught with hard truths about our each other and about ourselves.

This journey requires forgiveness, grace, patience, honesty and humility. I want to focus on that last trait –humility– because I believe it is the foundation upon which successful marriages are built.

As I’ve traveled this narrow path, I keep being brought back to humility, and I keep realizing that the issues I have in my marriage occur when I am lacking in this quality.

Humility is a lofty term and sometimes difficult to translate into practical actions. But, I’m a practical guy who needs things spelled out for me. So here are four ways that humility has helped my marriage:

1. Time – I have precious few hours each evening and weekend outside of work. And I usually have a list of 20 things that I want to get done during those times. Being humble with my time means that my list takes a back seat to the needs my family. Where I invest my time reveals what matters most to me. So Jody and I deliberately set aside every Tuesday night to connect with each other. We don’t only connect on Tuesdays, but budgeting one night a week for our marriage assigns importance and ensures other things don’t cut into that time.
2. Conflict – As much as we’ve grown in this area, conflict still sometimes rears its ugly head. But we’ve learned to navigate these tough times more effectively. Applying humility in conflict means that I don’t have to have the last word. I also realistically assess my role in the disagreement – what could I have done differently? And I try to be the first one to apologize and own my junk.
3. Meeting Needs – This area is especially challenging, because Jody and I have needs that directly conflict with one another. I am an introvert and have a need for peace and quiet, while Jody has a strong need for my verbal affirmation. Being humble in this area means that I am making a conscious effort to understand her needs and to balance those needs with my own. I am striving to be a better communicator in my marriage despite my natural tendency towards quiet solitude.
4. Growth – To evolve into a better version of me, I have to realistically assess my weaknesses. If Jody points out an area of growth, I don’t pridefully snap back at her, but I humbly seek the truth. And if the truth is that I am weak in an area, then I work to shore up that area. Being married 16 years, I’ve had numerous weaknesses exposed. While I haven’t addressed them all, I continuously work on growing.

Showing a humble heart to my wife has made all the difference in my marriage. I’m still a very flawed man and husband. I don’t have all of the above areas figured out, but demonstrating my willingness to grow and to meet the needs of my wife and kids is more important than putting on a façade of perfection.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. –(Proverbs 11:2).

 

 

James Willoughby has been married to his wife Jody for 16 years, and they are the parents of two children (ages 9 & 4). James works in the auto industry and in his spare time writes about his adventures in marriage and parenting.  Though he’s lived in seven states and two countries, James has put down roots in small-town Ohio where he and Jody are active in their church’s (Ginghamsburg) marriage ministry.

Reposted with permission. This blog originally appeared here.

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Technology Tip: Never Share What’s Private in a Public Space

In this month’s technology tip, Jon Acuff shares a quick but important tip you might not think about but one you’ll want to make sure your kids understand when they are using social media, especially when it comes to sharing personal information.

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MarriedPeople Spotlight: Lakeshore Church

We have amazing MarriedPeople partner churches. These marriage champions are taking the MarriedPeople resources and doing things that are above and beyond anything we dreamed about.

We want you to meet them. So once a month, we’ll spotlight a different church that is impacting not only the marriages in their church, but in their community. We want you to meet people from churches of all sizes, large and small, in various types of communities, whether urban, rural or suburban, with budgets big and small and volunteers plenty or scarce. Regardless of how different these churches may be from yours, we think you’ll find some relevancy to where you are.

We gave them a list of questions to find out more about their church, their team and their ministry. This month, we would like to introduce you to Ashleigh Patterson at Lakeshore Church in Rockwall, Texas.

Church: Lakeshore Church (Rockwall, TX)
MarriedPeople champion: Ashleigh Patterson

Size of your church: 1000+

Approximate number of married couples: 300-400

Describe the area you are in: suburban

Tell Us About . . . You and Your Team

I am full-time on staff (as Nursery Director).

How did you get involved in marriage ministry? I was asked. 

How many people are on your marriage ministry team? Five total—two on staff and three spouses

How did you recruit your team? They volunteered.

Tell Us About . . . How You Use the MarriedPeople Resources and Strategy

What resources do you use from MarriedPeople? Strategy Pack—
Larger Group Experiences, Small Group Experiences and Date Nights

What does the calendar year look like with your marriage strategy? (How many one-night events do you do? Date Nights? Small groups? Do you send E-ZINEs out every month?)
We do an annual Marriage Seminar using 2 large group experiences and 2 separate one-night events throughout the year.

What are some of the unique challenges to planning events in your community, and how have you worked around them?
Youth sports are a big deal, and other large community events. We just try to be aware of what is going on when planning for the year.

What has been one really great thing that has come from using MarriedPeople resources? Tell us a story. We had a small group that was formed after our Marriage Seminar this year and it has really taken off. They finished the Married People small group materials and asked for more curriculum so they could keep meeting. The participants of the group are building stronger marriages and having a lot of fun!

What has been your biggest success so far? I would just say that all the events have been great because of the resources provided! It makes it hard to fail!

What has been your biggest fail and what did you learn from it? We didn’t have much success the first time we tried to get couples to hashtag a photo, so the next time we did it we REALLY emphasized it and had more participation.

What’s your dream to happen next? I would like to do bigger date night events!

Thanks, Ashleigh, and the awesome team impacting marriages in Rockwall, TX! 

For more about Lakeshore Church, check out their website. 

To connect with other MarriedPeople leaders, request to join the MarriedPeople Leaders Facebook group.

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4 Easy Ways to Be a Better Parent

Many jobs come with at least a few personal benefits . . . like vacation or sick days; perhaps a maternity or personal leave option and if you’re lucky, even some personal development opportunities like access to mentors or conferences to help you grow. I’ve always thought it strangely odd that when it comes to the job of being a mom or a dad, the support benefits can be somewhat lean. Ok let’s be honest, it doesn’t come with any.

As former CEO of an organization that supports moms of young children, I had the opportunity to talk to thousands of moms about the importance of caring for themselves in the midst of endless wiping (tears, noses, and bottoms). Every mom I talked to loved her children fiercely and delighted in being a mom (most of the time) but also acknowledged that there were moments when she felt drained, weary, like she was running on her last ounce of energy. It makes sense. Somewhere between the poop, tantrums, and green bean mush being flung across the room, you can feel an urge to run for the hills.

But here’s what doesn’t make sense: to feel this urge and not address it. Of course you’re going to have moments when you’ll want to be anywhere but standing in the middle of said green bean mush. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you a human being in need of some soul care. This goes for dads as well as moms. It’s time to make parenting personal and make YOU a priority.

Here are a few practical and easy ways to do this:

1. Go solo

Time alone without someone tapping the flabby part of your underarm because they need a popsicle RIGHT NOW, or spending a few hours away from the exasperated sighs of your thirteen-year-old is a very good thing. It gives you new perspective, allows you to remember why you really do love those noisy short people who share your house and gives your flustered soul the space to settle. I spoke with many moms (and dads) who did this by leaning into a nearby relative or trading babysitting time with a close friend. Sometimes they went for a run, or grabbed dinner by themselves (woohoo, eating adult food without cutting somebody else’s meat), or they went on a date night to Starbucks. Some parents told me they found a park bench and just sat—where they didn’t have to listen to anyone yammering or have to talk back (sheer heaven). The point is that they gave themselves time away from their precious kids and returned with a renewed and refreshed mind. You need it and so do your kids.

2. Enlist a cheerleader

No, not the high school kind, but another parent or friend who can rally your spirit by reminding you of the things you are doing right. In the midst of the sighs and whines you’ll encounter from those precious short people (or that high school senior who is taller than you), this is crucial. Sure you make mistakes. We all do. Grab coffee with another adult who encourages your soul and spend some time together.

3. Give yourself a bellyache

Forego the Twizzlers (I can eat a pound in one sitting), and instead, find something that makes you laugh. When is the last time you laughed out loud until your stomach hurt? For you maybe it’s a favorite movie or book, or even sitting with a friend who tells you the story of how he accidentally set his toilet on fire (true story). Whatever makes you laugh, studies tell us it’s good for us. Even just a few minutes of laughter can lower our blood pressure, give us energy and help us come up with fresh solutions to perplexing problems. But many of us will go days without even a snicker. It’s great for your kids to see you laugh until diet coke shoots out your nose. Not only is it good for you, but it shows your kids that you’re a real person who knows how to have fun.

4. Spend time with the one who made you

Sometimes it’s easy to forget this, but if you are a parent, God created you to be one. He made you. He gave you the kids you have. On purpose. Even when you blow it, God’s love for you doesn’t end. His word tells us he delights in each of us (Zeph 3:17) and when we spend time with him, he listens, he whispers, he smiles. He reminds us that we are his son and his daughter and that we are precious. On days when no one else in my house is a big fan of me, this settles my soul. It reminds me that I’m created for a bigger purpose. It can for you too.

Here’s the reality. You’re the only person who can gage what’s going on inside of you. You know how you are feeling. Listen to what your heart (and body) is telling you and do something about it. You’re busy, so your first step might be choosing something to let go of something so you have room to make room for what you need. You are the most important resource your kids have. Take care of it.

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Be You

by Justin and Trisha Davis

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.  E.E. Cummings

More than anything else your wife needs you to be you today.
More than anything else your husband needs you to be you today.
More than anyone else, your friends love you for you.
More than anyone else your kids want you to be you today.

Being you will not come natural. Being you will not come easy. Being you will not feel like the best choice. Being you is vulnerable. Being you is risky. Being you is exactly who you need to be.

There is this fear we all live with that who we are…what we bring to the table won’t be enough.  We won’t be enough to satisfy our husband’s expectations. We won’t be enough to fulfill what we think our wife needs. We aren’t that good of a friend. We don’t have what it takes as a parent.

So rather than fight to be ourselves, we give into the lie that we’d be need to pretend to be someone we’re not…because that is what everyone wants.

You are The Beloved.
You are The Redeemed.
You are The Set Apart
You are The Image of God.

Fight today.
Fight to be you.
Fight to be all that God created you to be.

It’s not only what your wife needs…it’s what you need. You being you isn’t just what your husband needs, it’s what you need. Being nobody today but yourself will have to be a choice you make.
Choose it.
Nobody else can be you.

 

Justin and Trisha Davis are bloggers, authors, teachers—and parents to three boys. They co-founded RefineUs Ministries and frequently travel around the country speaking at conferences, churches and retreats. You can follow Justin on Twitter at @justindavis33.

Reposted with permission. This blog originally appeared here.

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The Daughter-In-Law Factor

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to put my focus on the parenting buffet. There is so much on the table, so many choices, so many categories, so much to teach and so little time. I have to confess, sometimes my parenting is motivated by what I call The Daughter-in-Law Factor. I prioritize so I can minimize the inevitable apologies I’ll owe to my someday daughters-in-law. I find myself thinking, “I better cover that. His wife will want him to know that already,” even though my sons are nine and ten. Never too soon to keep the end in mind, I contend. If this whole thing goes as fast as they say, then I’ll hand him over to a wife before I know it. And I don’t want to have to worry about his dirty dishes and clean underwear on his wedding day.

Along the way, this journey of widowed single parenting has been too much on so many levels. Honestly, requiring them to help around the house was too overwhelming for a lot of years. As you probably know, if you’re anything like me, it’s overwhelming because there’s so much more than just about having them help me. No, in addition to actually doing the task, this battle required me to a) train them to do it at all, and then b) follow up with consequences when they wouldn’t do it. So often, I felt like I could train them or follow through with consequences, but not both. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and I read that the ancient Greeks were awarded not just for finishing the race but for finishing with their flame still burning. Sometimes I really do think that it’s the daily following up with constant consequences that might put my flame right out.

So, I felt like I needed to choose. Did I want: a) kids who were respectful and kind leaders in our family and their community, or b) kids who were responsible to do their chores? I chose Choice A. They may not do the dishes or take out the trash, but they have become great friends and delightful conversationalists. It’s not a bad portrait to paint, but the picture felt incomplete—especially with the Daughter-In-Law Factor. As a result of choosing my battles, I discovered that I have children who are kind and respectful, great leaders in our family and in their community, who don’t do jack around the house.

But then, along came The New Dad. I got married about six weeks ago, and so now I have a teammate. Quite thankfully after a very long stretch of flying solo, I am no longer on my own. Marrying a single mom is a different ball game, and we were twenty-four hours into our honeymoon when we realized we had never been alone together for this many consecutive hours. We basked in seven days of uninterrupted conversation, knowing that our solitude would crash like cymbals the moment we got off the plane and stepped into our new life as parents together. Our honeymoon became something of a summit of like minds. We talked a lot about who we would become, what we wanted to define us as a couple and a family, and what values we wanted to implement upon our return. For the first time in a long time, I was not alone.

I came home with a new husband a new name: I am now Mrs. Heyer (like Higher). A husband on my team fortified my authority and doubled my capacity as a parent. Suddenly, there’s a new regime around here. Peter and I have established a new routine for the boys: Heyer Expectations. (See what we did there? The expectations are both part of our family identity, part of who we are, but this is also all about raising the standard ‘higher.’)

They wake up each morning, and they check the refrigerator for their list of things to do, and they cannot turn on any technology until those things are finished. In exchange for five days of Heyer Expectations, they turn in their cards on Saturday for $5.00 each. It’s a good gig for all of us. The boys are learning how to manage some cash, and I can sleep easier at night knowing my Daughters-In-Law will have husbands who know how to empty the dishwasher. You’re welcome, little ladies. I’m doing my part, keeping the end in sight.

Read More: Give Your Kids Something To Do

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Five Mantras to Discipline By: How Zipping My Own Smart Mouth Changed My Parenting

Remember that one time when you swore you’d never grow up to be one of those parents who used “Because I said so” as a defense for discipline?

Remember that time not too long ago when you said those exact words to your kids thirty-seven times in one day?

Yeah. Me, too.

Discipline for me is draining. When I tell you not to use my face lotion to make slime in your play kitchen, I don’t want to explain why Mama needs to diminish her fine lines and wrinkles.

JUST DROP THE LOTION AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, KID!

So about a year ago, I realized that I was using the same lines over and over again when disciplining. Not only that, I would often respond with poor explanations, and at times—wait for it—sarcasm.

(I welcome all ridicule because sarcasm is NOT a form of acceptable discipline.)

I was saying things like…
Because I said so.
I’m the mama and that makes me the boss.
Don’t argue with me—just do what I say.
Did you hear me?
Slow obedience is disobedience.

Now, there’s nothing particularly awful about some of these—I still throw that last one in for good measure. But I began to see a pattern that I didn’t like.

My discipline tactics only served to get me what I wanted. They were lazy. They were judgmental. And they weren’t working.

So I decided to come up with five mantras to teach my girls that have changed the way I respond when disciplining:  

1. Me: Are you a pioneer or a princess?
   Girls: A pioneer. Pioneers figure it out to make the world a better place.
2. Me: Why are people important?
   Girls: Because they’re people.
   Me: How do we show people they’re important?
   Girls: By being kind and loving.
3. Me: When do Mama and Daddy love you?
   Girls: All the time.
   Me: When you’re obedient?
   Girls: Yes.
   Me: When you’re disobedient?
   Girls: Yes. All the time.
4. Me: Who are the happiest people?
   Girls: People who choose to be happy.
5. Me: Who is God?
   Girls: A big, loving Father.

We’ll be going down the road, and I’ll start asking these questions.
Before bed about every other night, I ask these questions.
And ESPECIALLY when I discipline, I ask whichever questions are appropriate for the situation.

They’re sort of like our family’s own personal chants/cheers.

Here’s what’s happened:

Instead of immediately whining when they get in trouble, the girls have to respond with words they understand AND words that redirect behavior. The entire tone of our discipline has changed, and we’ve all benefited from it.

And besides, who doesn’t love a good cheer? (Sorry, my past as a cheerleader is showing.)

I’d love to hear any good words or phrases y’all have for disciplining. I would love to add to my repertoire!

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Team Effort

by Amy Fenton

(Note: While this post was written for children’s ministry, we think there’s a lot of good stuff in here for you and your marriage ministry team.)

T.E.A.M. I feel like cheering when I type that word. I love a good team and I have been so blessed to serve with some of the best.

I am terrible with details. I know I should be bothered with them, but I am not. That is why I had Janeane on my team. She lived for the details. Thank goodness! When I didn’t care about collecting data on families, she got every last name and number. When I didn’t see why a deadline was that important, she gently reminded me to get it done. She saved me from myself constantly.

I am not an actor, singer or dancer. I dare say people would probably pay me NOT to do any of these things. That is why God sent Dana, Jen, Diane and Carlee. They are some of the most creative people I know. They rocked large group for preschool and grade school. They sent scripts, practiced dance moves, gathered props and costumes, did something with ProPresenter. (I still don’t know what to do with that program.) They were rock stars!

I am not great at remembering people’s names. That is why I teamed up with Brenda as a volunteer coordinator. She was a former reporter who loved to ask everyone all the details of their life, take notes on said details and keep records of everyone. As we strolled the halls on Sundays mornings she would say: “That’s Bob. He just moved here from Ohio. He has two dogs, works at the gas company and is going on vacation in three weeks. But, I’ve already got him covered.” WHAT!? She was like the superhero of remembering. She was always two steps ahead of everyone. Every class she was in charge of had a text group for parents that she had saved in her phone and a text group of subs. Really, who does that? Not me.

I am not great at keeping the resources organized. That is why Leann was there! She loved a good label maker and color-coded system. She could organize a workroom like a boss. She could put a finger on a pipe cleaner or googly eyes before you could count to three.

I could go on and on talking about Wally, Kimba, Kellie, Betsy, Josh, Cole, Jay, Blake and the other 300 people that I was so blessed to serve with . . . because I learned something very important in my younger years of ministry. Are you ready for this bit of wisdom?

I. Can’t. Do. It. All.

And guess what? Neither can you. Nor should you. If you do, you are taking away someone’s opportunity to step up and use their God-given gifts to serve the body. You are robbing them of the opportunity to live out their faith. You are stealing away the joy of serving. I believe that God gave every church what it needs to be a body. I believe it because my Bible says so. But so often in ministry we forget that. When you begin to believe that the title, “children’s director” means “I Have To Do Everything,” then it is time to take a step back and reevaluate.

When you see needs in your ministry, do you view them as opportunities to grow your team? Or do you see those needs as one more thing you have to take on and do yourself?

When someone expresses interest in serving with your ministry, do you take the time to interview them and find out what their gifts and strengths are? Do you give them multiple opportunities to serve using those gifts? Your list of ways to plug into your kids ministry needs to be much more in-depth than: A. Serve in a classroom with kids. B. Serve in a classroom with preschoolers.

Do you help people see how they fit into the big picture and give them ownership of their piece? Or do you micromanage them? Or worse, just not use them at all?

Do you recognize your own weaknesses and are you able to acknowledge that someone could possibly do parts of your job better?

Here is your challenge for the week:
Write out your dreams. What would your ministry look like if you had unlimited volunteers with unlimited gifts, talents and skills? (I used sticky notes on a white board. Each sticky was a volunteer position I needed or wanted.) Then pray over that dream. Ask God to honor your efforts and help you as you start to cast vision for what your ministry could and should be.

Next, start to look for people in your church that have gifts that are needed and make big, bold asks of them. You will be surprised how many will step up. Sometimes people just need to be asked.

You need to do what only you can do. You need to allow others to do what only they can do. Together you can start to form a great team!

 

Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.

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Choosing a Passion

There will come a time in your parenting journey when you will have to help a child decide if they should quit doing one thing so they can pursue another. How will you help them decide the best thing to do? Not a hard choice if they’re terrible at one thing and seem to have more potential in another, but what if they’re actually good at both?

And what if it means quitting sports?

Wait. What? Quit sports?

Yes, quit sports.

You mean after all the years, money, games, and practices . . . we’re just going to quit?

I know. It sounds bad just saying it, but this is something we found ourselves wrestling with just a few years ago.

We have three kids. All of them have grown up playing sports. Swim, softball, football, basketball, soccer, gymnastics, dance, tennis . . . we have loved every minute of every sport. They have always been a big part of our life as a family.

Great memories made.
Great relationships formed.
Great life lessons learned.

Our son was a kicker for his high school football team.  When he finished his sophomore year, he was next in line to be the starting varsity kicker. He had worked hard his freshman and sophomore years to improve, and he had become a great kicker. (I’m not just saying that because I’m his mom. He really was great!) Even though he loved football, he was beginning to consider other goals that would require more time in the books and less time on the field.

We listened as he talked about taking more Advanced Placement classes to better his chance of going to the college of his choice and how he wanted to become more involved with student missions. He just didn’t know if he would have the time to commit to playing football and still do well in the classes.

When he asked us, “Do I keep playing football or do I quit?” we knew it was a huge decision. Even though we hated seeing him give up something he enjoyed, we knew he had a choice to make, so we answered with this question:

“Which one are you most passionate about?”

For us, it wasn’t about quitting football. It was more than that. It was about him doing what he couldn’t stop thinking about—what his heart got excited about!

We knew it was important that our son make the choice. We didn’t want to hear later, “Why did you make me or why didn’t you stop me?”

Nope.

This was his choice and he had to own it.

We also knew it was important that he knew we supported him, no matter what. We didn’t want him making a choice to please us or out of guilt for all the time and money we had put into sports.

After a lot of thought, our son made the choice to follow his passion. He quit football and began taking more AP classes. He also spent a lot more time working with student missions—both local and international.  He soon learned that following his passion was so much more fun than what he thought was fun before he followed his passion! And because he enjoyed it, and had more time to focus on it, he became very successful in it. He became president of his school’s student mission chapter and easily got into the college of his choice with a 4.4 GPA average and 16 AP classes.

Together, we discovered that passion is the best fuel for the human spirit. We had no doubt that our son’s academics and his mission work were his passions because we never had to remind him about a meeting, drag him out of bed for school, or encourage him to study. His passion did that for us—and more importantly, for him.

As hard as it was to say goodbye to sports with my son, watching him live each day with passion has been more rewarding than all the game days combined.

This season of parenting taught us all a few things:

Giving our kids opportunities to make big decisions and discover what they’re passionate about is important.

Asking questions that help guide them in their decision-making, rather than just telling them what to do, is also important.

Supporting them—whether they fly or fall—that may be the most important.

God made every person with unique abilities for His purpose. As our kids grow, we need to do everything we can to help them learn how to make decisions that will move them closer to what they’re passionate about and then give them the freedom to go for it. Trust me, watching your kid live life with passion in their eyes is one of the best feelings in the world.  

 

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Free to choose

The first Adam was given freedom to enjoy the fruit from all of the trees in the garden but he wanted the fruit from the one tree that God warned him not to eat from! The principle of freedom of choice within revealed limits was clearly part of the Creator's design from the beginning. Our beaches have clearly marked areas within which it is deemed safe to swim. Within the flagged zone swimmers can bob, float, body surf or swim. Swimmers do not need to ask permission about what they can do between the flags.

The flagged zones are analogous to staying within the moral will of God. His moral will is all about who He is. God will never tempt a person to swim beyond the flags. Obedience is always constrained by His love for us. He first loved me. He first rescued me. He rescued me from the rough zone, well outside of the flags. Now that I am "between the flags" I am content and in fact free to enjoy His Presence. Why would anyone want to spurn the Lifesaver!

Boundaries give us scope for growth. The story is told of an experiment that was conducted to observe the behaviours of children in a school play ground. The fences were removed from the playground area. Children were observed  to play in the centre of the ground, well away from the perimeters. But when the fences were returned, they observed that the full area was used by the children. In like fashion,moral boundaries promote our growth and well being.

When we "swim between the flags", we can enjoy the benefits of free choice. It is also important however that we take responsibility for our own choices. We need to be free to NOT exercise choices if they are not beneficial to others. (1 Cor. 10:23-24) We also need to make sure that preferences are not used to manipulate or control. For example, the Bible gives no clues that God's individual will determines about whether people ought marry let alone who they ought marry (1 Cor. 7: 6-9).





This blog is based on a message by Ross Smith, The Vine church, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on 17th July 2016. The full message can be accessed by podcast from www.thevine.org.au/teaching

Share Your Kids

I’m learning that friendship, as a parent, is even more life-giving (life-saving?) now than ever before. And this says a lot coming from a friendship-nostalgia-freak who has a file box of every single note I received in middle and high school organized by name of the sender. (If anyone under 25 is reading this, a “note” is a piece of paper that was meticulously decorated in milky gel pens and folded into the shape of a Chinese star, passed discreetly during Mrs. Lombardi’s lecture on hypotenuses.)

Friendship back then had a narrow span of depth—the easy stuff was choosing who you would go to lunch with on early release exam days. The “tough” stuff came when you consoled a friend who was dumped the week before prom. But now, in the days where many are drowning in diapers and debt and strained marriages and miscarriages, friends can be the lifeblood that help keep us going.

The trouble is, finding time and energy to invest in friendships when your time as a parent is so monopolized by caring for your kids. Amid the constant advice to prioritize our marriages, be present with our babies, and lean into our careers, little attention is given to focusing on our friendships. And truthfully, there’s something about trying to make new friends, as a parent, that seems a little more intimidating. Now we aren’t only putting ourselves on the line of potential rejection, but we feel as though we are being sized up on our parenting styles and children’s behavior.

It’s easier to settle for a second-rate sense of “community.” We can read a blog (ahem, thank you for reading this one) or join a secret Facebook group where we can post our most embarrassing questions about toddler bowel habits or decoding teenage text-speak while we unload the dishwasher in our sweats, ne’er to be seen by a non-family human that day. These connections are a great way to be reminded we aren’t alone, but they can’t replace authentic, face-to-face friendship. The kind that is built on a couch over coffee or a front porch over appetizers.

In our family, we are very fortunate to have doting grandparents and aunts and uncles–so many branches of the family tree that have helped us celebrate and mold our kids. But the blessing of our friends, who we now refer to as “aunts and uncles,” have helped our family tree thrive.

These friends entered the delivery room with teary eyes and beaming smiles within minutes of our babies’ arrivals and were some of the first arms my kids felt loved, though. They’ve shown up with hugs and comfort food and listening ears to help us process the miscarriage of our third child. They’ve been sideline cheerleaders who made our peewee soccer player feel like a FIFA star. They’ve told us they are proud of our children’s character (even though they’ve seen it at its worst). They’ve said “Good job, mama,” when I’ve skulked out of the room with a bucking toddler who needed some correction. They’ve allowed us into their most intimate marital and childrearing struggles and triumphs while loving us through ours. They’ve let us be “aunts and uncles” to their kids, too.

It can feel risky to introduce yourself to the parent wrangling a child into a puddle-jumper at the pool or cheering on the sideline of the soccer field. It can feel burdensome to come up with a menu and hide the clutter in order to invite people over for dinner when you’re just trying to survive the witching hour.

But these initial steps are what build acquaintances who become friends who become family. I’ve never met someone who didn’t want to be noticed and pursued. We are all busy, but someone has to take the first step to build adult friendship and family community.

Invite some neighbors over for a clean-out-the-fridge potluck before going on vacation. Have you child’s teammates and their parents over for hotdogs after the big game. No fancy prep needed–sometimes the more spontaneous and low-key the gathering is the more comfort it builds among the guests.

Aside from gaining our own friends, when we invite more adults into our homes and lives we can also be opening doors for powerful influence on our children. The neighbors you invite over for s’mores today might end up being the sounding board for your angsty teen tomorrow. Now, go text that person you’ve been hoping to get to know better and invite their family over for pizza.

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Let it Go: Pebbles, Mountains and Marriage

by Ryan Frederick

Last night as I sat and watched Nova, Selena was quietly nursing and reading a book about baby stuff. I looked over at her, reflecting about all she gives to our little family—sacrificing herself constantly for the welfare of our eight-month-old daughter. I marveled at her unwavering support of me with deep appreciation. “You’re an incredible wife and mother,” I expressed. “I see all you do, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it.”

Still reading, she looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes and olive complexion and said, “Don’t play with your beard, it’s annoying.”

“What?? Really??” I thought. I’m pouring out my deeply felt appreciation for you, validating your hard work, and reinforcing your role as grand matriarch of our tiny family, and your first reaction is to tell me how annoying I am?!? I was miffed.

She continued reading.

I scooted a few inches away from her on the couch and angled my body passively in the other direction. “Whatever…” I dismissed her mentally. As I write this it’s comical, but at the time I felt defeated and angry.

“Are you mad?” she asked. “I give you a compliment and your response is to tell me how annoying I am?!?”, I was indignant.

She promptly recognized her discourtesy and recanted, “I’m sorry! I didn’t think about what I was saying…!”

I heard her apology but I still felt pouty and upset. We were having a great evening together, and now it’s ALL ruined! At least that’s how I felt. In my mind, however, I knew I had a choice: let it go, or hold on. It took about seven minutes, but I loosened my grip and did indeed “let it go”.

Let it Go

As I write this I keep singing that song from Frozen in my head… “Let it go!! Let it go!!! Blah blah blah bla bla bla blaaahhh,” and so on. I assume you’ve heard it. There is one lyric in that song that applies nicely:

And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast I’m never going back, The past is in the past!

Some things are worth holding onto, others are best left behind . . . I mean truly ditched in the past. I share our experience to help bring it down to earth—into real life. Many times when we hear axioms like “forgive and forget” or “there are bigger fish to fry,” they’re just sort of out there. They’re great advice for sure, but to be used for something else, some other time. Actually, the time and place to apply such advice is nearly every day in your marriage.

Pebbles in Your Shoe

In marriage, the little offenses creep in and steal your joy if you don’t learn to overlook them (Proverbs 19:11). Like small rocks in your shoe, they begin bruising your heal and causing greater pain if they’re not removed. Your marriage is your ministry and you have a purpose beyond your immediate happiness. There are mountains to climb, and you must climb them side by side! How can you climb mountains together if you’re both agonizing about tiny pebbles in your shoes? Empty your shoe, get rid of the pebbles, and get on with life. Now, what Selena said did hurt me and my hurt was legitimate. I had the right to be mad—after all, I was going out of my way to say something nice and she trampled all over me (so I felt). Her actions had that effect but that certainly wasn’t her intention. She was reading a book and thinking about other things. What I said probably didn’t register completely. Her intentions weren’t to hurt me or disregard what I had said. But I wanted to stay mad. “This is a BIG deep problem with appreciation in our marriage,” I thought. No, it wasn’t. I kept quiet until the sting wore off, then I decided to just let it go. Did I feel like it? Nope! But I had to see past her words and try to understand her intentions.

Actions vs Intentions

In marriage we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, and our spouses by their actions. The opposite is much more productive. We should seek to realize our spouse’s intentions—while being conscious of how our actions affect them. If both husband and wife take this approach, communication will be much healthier and small offenses won’t inhibit progress toward bigger, more important objectives. When it comes to small frustrations and missteps, remember this: seek understanding first, you have bigger mountains to climb, and whenever necessary, let it go.

Questions: What are some small offenses you’ve had to let go? Are there pebbles in your shoe the need to be emptied out?

* Ryan & Selena Frederick started Fierce Marriage as a way to process through marriage’s trials and celebrate it’s joys. Now in their 12th year of marriage, they’ve learned a ton about what works and what doesn’t – all of which they aim to share transparently on FierceMarriage.com. Their hope is that by sharing openly it will help other couples grow and cultivate Christ-centered marriages.

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Why You Should Have (Way) More Fun

Remember when you used to have fun?

I know, it seems like it’s been a while. Maybe a long while.

Sometimes parenting can seem like a burden. Even reading about parenting can make you feel like you need to button down and master 5 more parenting skills—which, sometimes you need to do.

But in the process, you stop having fun.

Your marriage isn’t as fun as it used to be. Your parenting is so stressed that you don’t laugh much.

I spent the last few weeks having fun.

My wife and I spent a little over two weeks celebrating our anniversary in Australia. We paddled through six-foot waves on ocean kayaks to hang out with dolphins. We snorkeled for hours through water so pure and amazing, we felt like we were characters in Finding Nemo. And then I wrestled a baby crocodile. Okay—maybe I didn’t quite wrestle him. And maybe his snout was taped shut. And maybe I touched him. But still, it was fun.

Just recently, I had dinner with a friend and his family. His daughter is six and his son is four. The kids wanted to know if I’d play with them. My adult I’ll-hang-out-here-with-your-parents default response quickly gave into chasing a six-year-old through a shopping center after dinner as she laughed and laughed. Not to be left out, my friend’s four-year-old caught my attention and started playing keep-away with his Yankee’s hat.

It’s amazing how little it takes to laugh so hard your stomach hurts with kids.

Maybe what your family needs right now is just a little more fun.

Fun over time equals connection. Ever notice you connect at a whole new level with the people you laugh with?

Fun over time breaks down walls, authenticates forgiveness (you can’t have fun with people you haven’t forgiven), and even more than that, fun heals.

Think this is just something someone made up? There’s a centuries-old document called the Westminster Confession of Faith. You know what it says the chief purpose of our lives is? To glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Did you catch that? We’re supposed to enjoy God.

Imagine that.

Maybe the best thing you can do with your kids today is play with them. Do something fun.

Instead of wondering when you’re going to be able to wash the chalk off your sidewalk, go out there and draw with them.
Instead of rolling your eyes when your kids want to build a fort, lie in it with them.
Instead of settling for the grunts your teenager is giving you these days, take them for ice cream and go sit on a park bench together.

If your kids don’t want to do anything, go do something fun yourself. Why? Because you’ll be a better parent.

You’ll be more relaxed.
You won’t lose your temper as easily.
You’ll actually be more fun to be around.

Fun over time is one more way to be a better parent, a better spouse, and a better friend.

So here’s today’s parenting advice: Go have some serious fun.

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How to Keep Boundaries with the Opposite Sex

by Casey and Meygan Caston

Healthy marriages do not experience affairs, period. They sprout in the soil of neglect, isolation and loneliness. Combine that with a lack of healthy boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, and you have a recipe for a home wrecker.

Having walked so many couples through the aftermath of an affair, the stories are all starting to sound the same. After the wedding bells, something changes. The feelings of love—the emotional drug of choice entering into marriage‑slowly fizzles. Couples who don’t start with healthy habits fall into a daily rhythm that often leaves them feeling more like roommates than lovers. Feeling the emotional void, many look outside the relationship to find anyone to fill their love tank.

The reality is that we all have friends of the opposite sex. And that’s okay. The encouragement here is to recognize some healthy boundary limits and not set up camp near them. Boundaries are about prioritizing your marriage, meaning that your relationship takes first place over anyone else. It’s also about protecting your marriage. Doing this, you show an insane amount of respect to your spouse proving that you’re willing to go out of your way in order for them to know they can fully trust you.

Statistics are all over the map, but they say about 40% of marriages will experience an affair. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!!! Do not think you are immune to this. Marriage is one of those things you have to constantly be fixing, tweaking, and maintaining. The couples we’ve had on our couch are overwhelmed with shame as their families have been torn apart, only wishing they still had an ounce of prevention.

Here are 4 things that every couple must do to keep boundaries with the opposite sex.

1. Don’t be alone with a person of the opposite sex outside of work. Romantic relationships come out of recreational activities and intimate conversations. It’s a gray line to have lunch with a co-worker, but once it moves into dinner and drinks, ehhhh… no!
2. Do not be friends with anyone your spouse does not feel comfortable with . . . no exceptions. And don’t be ridiculous by fighting for that friendship once your spouse waved the red flag. That only makes you look like a dummy.
3. Don’t share private details of your marriage with anyone of the opposite sex. Lean on a mentor, pastor, life coach, or a trusted friend of the same sex.
4. Do not become the shoulder for someone of the opposite sex to cry on. Hand them a tissue and walk away.

Hard truth . . . I get it, but frankly these stories are way too common and the pain is too real. Do not pull fire out of the fire ring! Fire is an amazing thing inside the ring, providing warmth, joy, and even smores, but once it’s out of the ring, it’s a nightmare to contain.

Talk to your spouse about practical ways you can protect and prioritize your marriage.

Ask your spouse if there are friends in your life they don’t feel comfortable with and what would be a realistic game plan on backing away.

 

Casey and Meygan Caston are the founders of Marriage 365. 

Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.

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Fishes and Loaves

by Tim Walker

Almost every day for lunch, I eat a Lean Cuisine meal. (Lean Cuisine, feel free to sponsor me.) Not because I’m trying to lose weight, even though I should be. But because it tastes good, it’s cheap and I hate going out for lunch. Lunch is a necessary evil for me.

I know I need to eat it, so I heat something up, sit at my desk, and work through lunch. The portions are sometimes just right, sometimes too small (depending on how hungry I am). But I couldn’t image feeding more than one person with a Lean Cuisine meal. In fact, some days when I’m super hungry, I heat up two meals and put them all in one bowl. (There goes my endorsement deal.)

In John 6:1-13, Jesus asked His disciples where they could buy bread to feed all the people who had followed Him up to the mountainside.

Phillip echoed what I would have been thinking, “We can’t afford to feed all these people.” The Bible says that Jesus “asked him this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do” (John 6:6 NIV).

Then Andrew, who is slightly more optimistic, says that there’s a boy who has five small barley loaves and two fish. It’s better than nothing. Maybe we can feed a few people, certainly not everyone.

Then Jesus does something. Well, not just something. He does the miraculous. And somehow what that little boy had becomes enough. In fact, it becomes more than enough. John 6:13 says they “filled twelve baskets with the pieces of five barley loves left over by those who had eaten” (NIV).

This story is incredible for many reasons, but there’s one detail I don’t want you to miss. That boy had very little to offer. But when Jesus took it, it had a greater impact that anything he could have done with on his own.

So many times we think we need a grand gesture to have an impact other people’s lives. But many times, it’s something as small as the contents of a young boy’s lunch.
A balloon and a small pan of brownies for a neighbor’s birthday.
Coffee cake from a store bought mix served at a student Bible study.
An extra plate at the dinner table for an unexpected guest.
An encouraging sentence in an email.
A compliment about one of my kids.
A helpful person in customer service.
None of those things seem like a big deal.
But in God’s hands, they become something more.

They can remind a person someone cares.
That they aren’t forgotten.
That they will be taken care of.
That God will provide.
We offer so little, but God takes it and does something big.

Don’t be afraid to hand it over.
Or bake that mix.
Or type that extra sentence.
God may have big plans for it.
Much bigger than what it seems.

 

Tim Walker is a husband/dad/writer/blogger and editor on the MarriedPeople team.
Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here. 

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4 Secret Fears that Leaders Have that Kill Their Potential

by Tim Parsons

I’ve failed more than I’ve succeeded. I’ve been criticized much more than I’ve been complimented. I’ve been thrown into circumstances that I’ve never been in before many more times than finding myself somewhere familiar. And because of those truths, it makes me fearful that those trends will continue and I will ultimately find myself unemployed, alone and isolated.

Maybe you can relate. I make decisions . . .  worried that it won’t work out. I assign tasks . . .  scared that they won’t follow through. I lead the team into the future . . .  doubting that goals will be accomplished. Sound familiar at all?

Don’t get me wrong, I wish that fear wasn’t a part of my life. I sincerely hope that, one day, I’ll be in a place where I have so much confidence that fear dare not rear its ugly face. But that day is not today.

And the truth is that we leaders don’t do a good job at all of sharing these fears. We don’t want to get vulnerable or seem like we don’t have it all together. Although I don’t advocate this, I completely understand. But, I have come to find over the many years of leadership that we all share at least some of these fears.

Fear of failure
This fear goes beyond the common dislike of failure. No one likes to fail. And, although good things can come from failure, it’s never a good feeling when you do fail. But, the fear that I’m talking about here is the one where you obsess about the possibility of failure. Rather than immediately thinking about what could happen if you succeed, you’re consumed by what will happen if you fail.

Ever been there? You’ve been given a promotion or a new assignment at work and the only thing you find yourself thinking about is what happened to the last guy and how he failed. Or you stay awake at night thinking through “what if” scenarios that all end in you being fired or causing the organization to go bankrupt. The fear of failure makes you stay where it’s familiar a little too long and prevents you from reaching new heights and accomplishing greater things.

Fear of criticism
This one is tough for me. Other people’s words and descriptions about me matter to me. Not to the point where I think I’m a people-pleaser, but they do impact me more than they should. When I am criticized, I can remember every word spoken and every nonverbal action exhibited. I can remember, specifically, criticisms that I received over 20 years ago (I know, I need to let it go).

But because of this, in my leadership, I find that I am paralyzed when faced with the possibility of criticism.

Do you connect with that idea? You’ve just been put on a team with the most critical person on the team—you know, the person who is critical of every idea that isn’t their own  It doesn’t matter what you suggest or do, you will be criticized. But, as leaders, we can’t allow others’ words to keep us from leading our team forward. The fear of criticism forces you into a place where you only recycle old ideas and limit your creative output.

Fear of inadequacy
Maybe my story is unique, but I’m guessing that it’s not. I don’t think I’ve ever been the leader of a group or organization in which I felt I had what it took to succeed. When faced with something new, I immediately feel this comparison game start to creep in and how others could do it much better than I could.

Do you compare yourself too? It can be someone we work with or a peer in the industry. We look at them and we immediately think that they have it all figured out and we don’t. The reality is that the fear of inadequacy is a no-win proposition. There will always be people doing it better … and there will always be people that appear to be doing it better. The fear of inadequacy diminishes the gifts and skills you have and hides them away until they die and are no longer useful to you.

Fear of success
I’ve seen this one over and over. I have seen people at the point of graduating from college who fail a class just so they don’t have to leave the comfort of what they’ve come to know for the last few years. And, that’s how this fear manifests itself most often—comfort.

I want you to hear and be encouraged by this: If you have fear as you lead, you are completely NORMAL. There is nothing wrong with you and it absolutely does not mean that you shouldn’t be in leadership at all (both are thoughts that I’ve had).

Before going any further, let’s take a look at four fears in particular. These are four fears that I believe many leaders have in common. Some of these are more overt fears than others, but if you have any of them, it could be the reason that you aren’t reaching your potential as a leader.

Do you find that you’re too comfortable? When it’s time for change or a new direction, do you resist it in lieu of staying where everything is familiar? If so, this may be a fear for you. Success brings with it new expectations, new problems and new ambiguity. And, that’s not always appealing to everyone. When you’ve experienced success, you may find that you’re asking whether it was worth it. Your event grew by 50 percent this year, so next year you need to make it grow another 50 percent, which will take more people, energy, budget, etc. Fear of success keeps you where it’s comfortable and prevents you from taking the organization forward.

You know, those fears in my leadership have caused me to make poor decisions, no decisions and late decisions. When I am fearful, I make horrible decisions—because fear blinds me rather than opening my eyes to all of the possibilities. When I am fearful, I make no decisions—because fear causes me to wait rather than act. And, when I am fearful I make decisions that are far too late to be effective—because fear causes me to hesitate rather than take a step forward.

So, which of these fears do you immediately connect with? We all have them. And I’ve found that talking about them and saying them out loud will actually help us overcome them more easily. I believe there’s more for you … and I don’t want fear to be the thing holding you back. Head on over to my Facebook page and let me know what you think!
Reposted with permission. This blog originally appeared here.

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Fighting Fear in the Tone of Our Homes

The best thing someone told me as a new mom, was this: “Your baby can pick up on the emotional temperature of the house.” In other words, babies are way more astute than you think.

This little nugget of truth explained a lot. Like, why my babies were more fussy around my anxious self and behaved like angelic dreams for my easy-going husband.

I still remember this—even though my boys are now six and four. Because I think the same principle applies. There is an emotional tone in our home, one we, as parents, are largely responsible for setting, and our kids are watching for. More than watching, they are taking cues.

I don’t know about you, but lately, it’s been hard to keep tabs on the tone of our home. Sure, there is the general insanity of summer—where everything is supposed to feel more low-key and hassle-free but instead feels more chaotic. But I think it’s more than that. I think the emotional tone of our homes feels a little iffy these days because let’s be honest, the world feels a little iffy these days.

It’s the jarring and volatile state of international affairs. It’s the uncertainty of our country’s own political affairs. It’s the seemingly endless stream of news headlines involving terror and guns, discrimination and fear. It’s the sense that things feel out of control. It’s enough to want to run away and hide in an effort to soothe ourselves . . . and we’re the grown-ups here.

What do we do when our own fears keep us up at night?

What do we do when our own anxieties drive us inward?

What do we do when the big questions we find looming seem too large for us to tackle for our own peace of mind—let alone our children?

Three years ago I was home on a Sunday morning and watched our church’s message online. In the message, Andy Stanley made the point that as followers of Jesus we are called to live our lives fearlessly. Not because there aren’t things to be afraid of. But because we are invited to a faith in Jesus so strong and so secure in our Father’s love, that fear does not get the final word. Not because scary things won’t happen. They will happen, but who God is and His love trumps my greatest fear becoming reality.

When the message was over I sat there, watching my computer screen for a few minutes, lost in thought. As a person who often has fear as my default mode, it gave me a lot to think about. And then I noticed, at the bottom of the screen were scrolling tweets from people responding to the message.

Three years ago, North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, had made a series of provocative and confrontational remarks regarding their neighbors, South Korea, and the Unites States. At the time it created concern over a potential nuclear situation, dominating the national, and international, news. And as I sat there, I watched a tweet come across the screen.

“We are in South Korea” it said, “and we are not afraid.”

If anyone had reason to allow fear to dominate their lives and their minds, it would have been them. But they didn’t let fear write their story.

The world is scary.
Things are volatile.

We are learning over and over again how little control we really have.

But fear, in the face of things worth being afraid of, does not have to be our response. In us, or in our kids.

Imagine if our kids looked at us, and didn’t see us cowering in the face of the fear. Imagine if our kids looked at us and didn’t see us burying our heads in the sand either.

Imagine if our kids looked at us and saw us living unafraid—in light of the chaos, we sometimes feel in the world around us in the uncertainty that dominates our headlines? Imagine if our kids looked at us and saw parents fully cognizant of all that’s going on in the world, but whose trust in God did not waver?

That’s the tone I want in my home. But that’s the tone I have to have in my heart first. And I have to believe my kids have a better chance of warring fear and winning when they watch their mom and dad do it first.

So today, what if we faced our fears? What if we allowed our unwavering trust in who God is to set the tone in our hearts? And ultimately our homes? I think it’s a big ask. But I think it’s possible. And I think if we did it, we would handle these days, and the next couple of months, with a lot more grace. And that’s the kind of win I want.

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God Guides

Believers want to know what the will of God is for their lives. Often, however, this seems to be clouded in some sort of mystery that can seem all too difficult to ascertain. Yet Paul in Ephesians 1:9-10 states that "He has made known the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself...that ...He might gather together in one all things in Christ...in Him." The mystery of His will is not about me. It is about Him. The focus of being in His will is not about God moving to where I am but is about me moving to where God is. "God willed to make known...this mystery...which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." The will of God is that believers will discover and realise the fullness of Christ whose character DNA is already in them.

The story of Joseph in Genesis is about his journey, not unlike our own journey, which culminates in the realisation that the will of God is not about him as such, but is about the fulfilment of a much bigger purpose - the saving of many lives! Joseph experiences character development as he faces twists and turns of events and circumstances much of which was beyond his control. The purpose of trials is to grow us so that we can embrace with grace the purposes of God designed to bring growth and blessing to both ourselves and others. Joseph realised that the purposes of God were not just about him but were actually collective in nature.

The will of God is never just about the individual. It is always about the body of Christ. One of the cardinal rules of outdoor adventures is that you never venture alone. I have been more that thankful on the occasions when I have been capsized but rescued by those around me. Travel together, not alone! Fellowship together is needful not optional if we are to realise the purposes of God. The challenge for us is abandon our obsession with purely personal goals and to live for the cause of Christ who gave Himself for all people. 

Godly guidance will always be constrained by the character of God. The Holy Spirit wants to grow us into the likeness of the Son's character. "Therefore be imitators of God..." (Eph.5:1) Again the focus of guidance is more about our being than our doing. Often we want to know what we should be doing but His guidance is always about our being. In other words it is about our growth in terms of His character. The will of God never strays beyond who He is. Like a river, its course will be influenced by its banks. If its banks represent His character. the believer is designed in Christ to be in the river, not outside its banks.

This blog is based on a message by Ross Smith at The Vine, Logan City, Queensland, Australia on Sunday 10th July 2016. The full message can be accessed by podcast www.thevine.org.au/teaching.

10 Signs Your Marriage is Drifting

by Justin and Trisha Davis

Most people don’t get married so they can be unhappy. Most people don’t stand in front of a church full of people and pledge their love for each other thinking they will be standing in a courtroom dividing their property and arguing over custody of their kids.

Most marriages just drift to these places. Most drift to mediocrity. It’s not something we intend to happen . . . it’s just something that we allow to happen. After a while our marriage is the way it is and we settle for it.

As Trisha and I have evaluated our own relationship and talked with several other married couples, there are some things that signal a marriage that is drifting:

• You can’t remember when you last went on a date together.
• Most of your communication is over email or text message.
• The time you have together in the evening is spent watching TV.
• All of your conversations center around finances, kids or schedules.
• Your sex life has no passion or drive and no desire to restore passion.
• You feel more excited to see someone at work than you do your spouse.
• Your kid sleeps in the bed with you more than 1 night a week and you don’t
• think that is a problem.
• You don’t hold hands spontaneously or kiss each other any more.
• There is no spiritual aspect to your relationship.
• You don’t laugh or joke around any more.

As we have said before . . . great marriages don’t happen. Great marriages are a choice. The great thing is that today could be the day you choose to stop drifting. Today could be the day you turn it around. It won’t be easy. It won’t be instant . . . but nothing worth having is easy or instant. It will be worth it.

 

Justin and Trisha Davis are bloggers, authors, teachers—and parents to three boys. They co-founded RefineUs Ministries and frequently travel around the country speaking at conferences, churches and retreats. You can follow Justin on Twitter at @justindavis33.

Reposted with permission. This blog originally appeared here.

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