Permission or Respect?

by Monica Humpal

I have a really awesome 16-year-old daughter. I’m blessed beyond measure that she and I have an open and honest relationship, which means she talks to me about pretty much everything. Earlier this year she broke up with her very first boyfriend and it was such a tough time. But, I was proud of her for her choice and was impressed with her maturity.

There were several reasons for the break-up, but one particular issue seemed to keep coming up. Her boyfriend would go over to other girls’ houses to “hang out” and would disregard Morgan’s feelings in the matter. He said these girls were just friends, but that really wasn’t the issue. It made my daughter uncomfortable that he and these girls were alone together and she shared her feelings about this with him on many occasions. He would ask why he needed “permission” from her to go places, and she’d respond that he didn’t need her permission, but he should want her to be comfortable with it. He simply disregarded her feelings over and over. So, that, combined with other issues, left her with the only conclusion—this was not a healthy relationship and she needed to end it.

This was a very grown-up situation for my daughter—a situation that many of us find ourselves in even after marriage. Do we need to ask permission from our spouse to do things away from them? Does that give our spouse control over our actions? Is it right to expect that type of conversation with our spouse before they go places? What is healthy in a marriage and what is unhealthy? Is that considered actually controlling the other person? So many things are rolled into this, but I’d like to address this issue based on my own experience.

I’d like to say, in full disclosure, that I do discuss my comings and goings with my husband. Do I have to? No. But I choose to. Here is why:

1. My decision making almost always affects my spouse. Considering my spouse’s feelings and concerns when deciding to do something or go somewhere shows that I respect how this may affect him. Example: I’ve been invited to go out for a “girls’ night,” which means that this event would (a) cost money, and (b) take me out of the house for the evening, probably pretty late. Both of these things involve my husband because (a) the money in your household belongs to both of us, and (b) especially since we have kids, both of us need to consider the other when choosing when to be gone and when to be home. So, yes, my spouse needs to be involved in conversations prior to my going “out” in many instances.
2. It’s not controlling—it’s honest conversation. Here is the bottom line—you are never in control of another person’s actions. This is where the “unhealthy” comes into play. There are many ways we try to manipulate certain behaviors from others, whether it be with guilt trips, threats, or ultimatums. This is NOT what I’m referring to at all by stating that I discuss my comings and goings with my husband. Take my example above: My husband would share his feelings about my going on a “girls’ night.” After that honest conversation, I am still free to make my own decision about whether to go or not. The key here is that he doesn’t guilt me into not going or threaten me with ultimatums if I do. That kind of response, my friends, would have been truly unhealthy. The bottom line is this—healthy conversation should lead to a healthy outcome for both parties.
3. It’s not permission, it’s RESPECT. Maybe it is the word “permission” that gets so many people riled up. I’m not sure “permission” is the right word when I discuss plans with my husband, but I am seeking his comfort and approval of it nonetheless—and that works both ways with his plans as well. Our phrase is typically, “Hey do we have anything going on Saturday?” That is usually a cue that one of us is thinking of doing something without the other and we are making sure what we’d like to do isn’t impeding on the family’s schedule or would be upsetting at all to the other. Beyond that question comes good conversation and, most of the time, a reasonable and acceptable outcome that makes us both happy.

My husband and I were not always at this point in our relationship. I can remember many tears shed on my part when he would just inform me of decisions to go do things without considering my feelings or any family plans we may have had. I can also remember countless times I would sign up for church events and activities (and sometimes sign HIM up to help!) without discussing things with him first. We had to get to this point together and realize that it’s not about permission—it’s about respect. I respect my husband and he respects me. This respect works both ways:

We respect each other enough to include them in the discussion before doing something without them, and
We respect each other enough to back away from something that makes the other uncomfortable or upset.

Bottom line—I believe marriage is a partnership where there is mutual respect. This means that decisions are made together, even about things we want to do without our spouse. For us, it’s not permission, it’s respect.

 

Rev. Monica Humpal is the Director of Grow Ministries at Williamson’s Chapel United Methodist Church in Mooresville, North Carolina. Follow her marriage blog at wcmarriedpeople.wordpress.com.

*Note: This article was inspired by an article by Ashley Willis.  

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